AgentFuse Joke SCPs


Item #: SCP-4334

Object Class: Keter Thaumiel

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-4334 is to be tracked with the use of security drones constantly. If SCP-4334 moves from the Mojave Desert, Foundation personnel are to follow it wherever it goes. No contact should be made to avoid potential harm to any personnel. SCP-4334 is allowed to wander wherever he is able and is allowed to do whatever he must, in the realms of realism. If SCP-4334 gets hold of anything with substantial destructive power, the item is to be removed from its possession and secured. All sub-designations of SCP-4334 are to be treated the same. Every Wednesday, MTF Luna-6 ("Real Life Friends") are to meet with SCP-4334 and discuss what occurred since their last visit, in order to pick up on details that the security drones did not pick up.

Description: SCP-4334 is a Caucasian male of unknown age that calls itself "Al" or "AlChestBreach". It wears a brown duster with no pants and a large cowboy hat, though its outfit has been known to change frequently. SCP-4334 is usually found traveling in the Mojave Desert, Nevada, though it has been found as far as Washington D.C., Maryland. SCP-4334 is extremely capable in combat, using a wide variety of weapons, from ranged to melee. SCP-4334 has "died" on many occasions, though it reappears in the same area moments later, usually defeating what killed it previously. SCP-4334 is extremely vocal, seemingly never shutting up at any point. Often SCP-4334 expresses itself through jokes and sarcastic comments on the surrounding area. At times it says seemingly random things, with nothing to do with the situation. A log of notable quotes can be found in Addendum 4334-B. SCP-4334 is extremely intelligent and has spoken to staff several times, agreeing when asked about cooperation with the Foundation. SCP-4334 is frequently followed by multiple other creatures of varying species, race, and size, which are all sub-designated. SCP-4334 names every single one of these sub-designations and calls them "followers" or "companions." A log of sub-designations of SCP-4334 can be found in Addendum-4334-A.

SCP-4334 experiences outbursts in which it starts ranting about "radroaches" and "radios," creating elaborate tales about them. When asked about the tales, SCP-4334 acts as if the personnel is crazy and doesn't know anything. Any further questioning reveals similar results. SCP-4334 also frequently experiences fits of violence, typically ending in the death of nearby personnel.

SCP-4334 also shows supernatural abilities, which can be seen in Addendum 4334-C. It frequently breaks the laws of physics, with no clear explanation. SCP-4334 will warn personnel nearby of some type of creature crawling into their window before it begins to defy the laws of physics. Personnel who hear this are automatically compelled to look around them for a window, even if they aren't indoors. This effect does not occur when recorded footage is taken. SCP-4334 also proclaims that many sub-designations can be found in the "Rave Club", which has been designated as SCP-4334-A. This location has not been located by use of any known method. There have been multiple incidents where personnel were either accidentally or purposefully transported to this "Rave Club" by SCP-4334. The missing personnel have not been recovered.

SCP-4334 also has several compulsions of its own. Whenever SCP-4334 nears a cannon or anything capable of launching large items a long distance, it is compelled to create a baby human child (see Ability 08) and put it into the device, launching it. This usually ends in SCP-4334 becoming either obsessed with launching the child or frustrated, leaving the cannon and proceeding through the world.

Note: SCP-4334's combat skills and intelligence has proven a useful asset to the Foundation, and so it has been reclassified to Thaumiel.

Addendum 4334-A: Log of Sub-Designations

Addendum 4334-B: Log of Notable Quotes

Addendum 4334-C: Log of Abilities

Addendum 4334-D: Log of Interviews