SCP-4,000,000,000-J

Item #: SCP-4,000,000,000-J

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-4,000,000,000-J-1 is to be contained in a standard humanoid jail cell and is to be fed three meals a day. Under no circumstances should SCP-4,000,000,000-J-1 come into contact with the media; this includes the internet, television, newspaper, or any other source of communication to the outside world.

SCP-4,000,000,000-J-2 is to be contained in a 1x1 meter jar of hair gel with the cap air-tight sealed. The cap should not be removed from the container under any circumstances. The container holding SCP-4,000,000,000-J-2 should be placed in a heavy metal safe with the combination changed weekly.

Description: SCP-4,000,000,000-J-1 is a male humanoid creature with identical features to a normal human being and with a height of 1.88 meters. The skin color, on the other hand, is tinted heavily orange and has a leathery texture. SCP-4,000,000,000-J-1 has no hair on the top of his head, but instead a female plug that connects directly into his brain where SCP-4,000,000,000-J-2 is supposed to be. SCP-4,000,000,000-J-1 is friendly to personnel upon visiting, but shows clear signs of having undergone a traumatic event. SCP-4,000,000,000-J-1 has a tendency to write his name in large letters on objects. Objects that have his name written on them should be incinerated in order to prevent ownership being claimed by SCP-4,000,000,000-J-1.

Request for SCP-4,000,000,000-J-1 to roam the facility: Approved, with the exception of not coming into 10 meters of SCP-4,000,000,000-J-2's containment safe. An unarmed guard is to follow SCP-4,000,000,000-J-1 during this time.

SCP-4,000,000,000-J-2 resembles a blonde toupee made of standard human hair. A male plug is located on the inside where it is meant to be plugged into SCP-4,000,000,000-J-1.

SCP-4,000,000,000-J-2 is hostile to humans, especially towards races that are not predominantly white. When SCP-4,000,000,000-J-2 senses a human being other than SCP-4,000,000,000-J-1, it will begin to hiss, similar to the sound of a hissing cockroach. When a person comes into view of its sight, it will begin to move in a clearly agitated state upon SCP-4,000,000,000-J-1's head and begin to spit American dollar bills, while simultaneously SCP-4,000,000,000-J-1 will begin shouting vulgar comments at the person in view. See Recovery Incident 001 for further details.

When Both SCP J-1 and J-2 are combined, they will be simply labeled as one entity: SCP-4,000,000,000-J.

+ Recovery Incident 001

Recovery Incident 001

Recovery team head to New York City, New York to retrieve SCP-4,000,000,000-J. Upon arriving at a skyscraper with 58 floors, personnel entered the building without incident. When recovery team go up to the 58th floor, they see SCP-4,000,000,000-J sitting at a desk.

SCP-4,000,000,000-J: What are you people doing in my office?
Capt. ██████: We've come to detain you for suspicion of SCP activity. Please come along with us peacefully.
SCP-4,000,000,000-J: You guys are a bunch of lightweights. You're losers. All of you. Nobody like a loser.
Capt. ██████: Sir, we recommend you stop talking and allow yourself to be restrained; we do not want to use force.

At this time, two members of the recovery team approach SCP-4,000,000,000-J to restrain him. SCP-4,000,000,000-J-2 begins hissing violently and is threatening to jump off of SCP-4,000,000,000-J-1's head.

Recovery Personnel ██: SCP-4,000,000,000-J-2 is resisting! Restrain by force immediately!

SCP-4,000,000,000-J-2 begins spitting one hundred American dollar bills out of an unknown orifice and begins to move in an extremely agitated state.

SCP-4,000,000,000-J: I bet you guys are drug dealers and drug users. I bet your whole organization is a bunch of rapists. Some of you, though, I assume, are okay.
Capt. ██████: Ignore his comments, men, and continue containment operation!

Recovery team restrains SCP-4,000,000,000-J-1 with handcuffs and unplugs SCP-4,000,000,000-J-2 from his head. SCP-4,000,000,000-J-2 continues hissing violently and continues to spew one hundred American dollar bills before being put in a large container and sealed shut.

SCP-4,000,000,000-J-1: Let me tell you, when this gets out to the media, its going to be huge!

SCP-J-1 and J-2 are then escorted out of the building without incident and are taken to Site ██.

Upon SCP-4,000,000,000-J entering Site ██, Dr. Langer interviewed the subject.

Dr. Langer: SCP-4,000,000,000-J, thank you for participating in this interview.
SCP-4,000,000,000-J: I cannot trust you unless you show me your birth certificate.
Dr. Langer: …Yeees, we will get to that at another time. But I must ask a few questions first. To start off, what is your real name?
SCP-4,000,000,000-J: [REDACTED]. Don't get it mixed up with Hillary or I'll have you deported.
Dr. Langer: Thank you. Next, do you remember how you got a plug on your head and something plugged into it?
SCP-4,000,000,000-J: I woke up with it one day. My parents cast me out when they found out about the plug. They forced me onto the streets with nothing but a million dollars and the clothes on my back. But guess what? I made the business. I built myself from the ground up. I'm really rich now. Really rich.
Dr. Langer: I understand. Thank you for your cooperation. You may return to your containment cell.
SCP-4,000,000,000-J: One last thing.
Dr. Langer: Yes?
SCP-4,000,000,000-J: Dr. Langer, you're fired.

Upon further investigation of SCP-4,000,000,000-J-2 when in a restrained state, Dr. ██ noticed a small label on the inside. Dr. ██ stated that the label read "Made in Kenya."