Cadaver Commander's Forward Encampment
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Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures:

Description: SCP-XXXX is a humanoid entity of uncertain origin, with potent anomalous properties and unknown, possibly malicious intentions.

If SCP-XXXX is observed by the naked eye or through a device not equipped with a MIMIR-class thaumic anti-distortion filter1, it appears as one of approximately 30 45 80 currently known anomalously-generated illusory guises, all of which are male, generally considered physically attractive by the prevailing standards of the society in which it is used, and in the apparent age range of 35 to 45. SCP-XXXX's clothing invariably consists of formalwear, typically expensive suits of various styles, and a pair of sunglasses.

When observed through a MIMIR filter or any other medium or means capable of negating anomalous perception-altering fields, SCP-XXXX consistently appears as a human corpse in an advanced state of desiccation and decomposition2, with gold coins affixed over its eye sockets, an assortment of cut and polished gemstones filling its mouth, and a thin but complex golden crown, which features barbs that pierce the remains of its flesh in multiple places around the skull.

SCP-XXXX's behavior is distinguished by its primary anomalous property, which allows it to spontaneously manifest currency. There appears to be no observable limit to the means through which SCP-XXXX can exert this effect, nor does there appear to be any constraint upon the frequency of its use or the amount/denomination of currency manifested at any given time. Observed examples of this include:

  • Repeatedly removing large bound stacks of paper money from an inside jacket pocket, despite there not being adequate physical space within its clothing to contain the amount removed
  • Remotely manipulating monetary databases to increase individuals' personal account balances regardless of any security systems used by the associated financial institution
  • Causing briefcases filled with banknotes to appear within postal delivery systems to be delivered to an intended recipient
  • Manifesting a large number of loose notes in midair near the ceiling of a given room and allowing them to fall en masse upon those present
  • Anomalously altering a nearby decorative fountain to emit a spray of coins from its spouts rather than water, despite neither the spouts nor the fountain's pumps being mechanically capable of conveying any substance other than liquids
  • Causing one individual to repeatedly vomit large quantities of assorted coins, notes, and gemstones as reprisal for insulting SCP-XXXX's dress sense at a gallery opening, causing severe damage to the individual's mouth, stomach, and esophagus,

as well as a multitude of other methods ranging from the comparatively mundane to the spectacularly conspicuous.

SCP-XXXX uses this ability to pursue an immoderate and sybaritic lifestyle, characterized by the conspicuous and enthusiastic consumption of luxury goods and services including jewelry, automobiles, watercraft, private jets, resort visits, gambling, fine dining, designer clothing, art, premium tobacco and alcohol products, and hosting lavish parties at its various estates, as well as illicit indulgences such as unauthorized firearms and other weaponry, prostitution, and copious amounts of illegal drugs.

As a result, each of SCP-XXXX's assumed identities quickly establishes itself as a notable figure within the aristocracy wherever it resides, often posing as a wealthy venture capitalist or magnate with holdings in an esoteric or obscure industry. It will eventually infiltrate social clubs frequented by the economic and governmental elite, plying them with bribes in an attempt to influence them toward an as-yet unknown purpose. Its cover stories can be proven false with even cursory investigation, but are nonetheless rarely questioned due to its affluence and dynamic, gregarious personality. Official inquiries by government or law enforcement agencies into SCP-XXXX's illegal activities or the source of its wealth are seldom resolved, as it will bribe any or all investigating officials with whatever amount of money is sufficient to discourage further scrutiny. In the event that this fails, SCP-XXXX will simply alter its appearance and abandon the incriminated identity before it is able to be detained.

Guises adopted by SCP-XXXX thus far have been consistent until compromised, with associated birth certificates, passports, bank accounts, and other identifying documentation being prepared by SCP-XXXX months if not years prior to the persona's use. False identities known to be used by SCP-XXXX have been listed as citizens of a number of nations, including but not limited to the United States, the United Kingdom, Canada, Germany, France, Nigeria, China, India, Russia, Japan, Singapore, South Africa, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Peru, Brazil, and Chile, among others.

Assets found on SCP-XXXX's person or seized in raids on its various estates have also included documentation indicating that a number of its identities are either a citizen of or have been officially authorized to travel within multiple nonexistent, quasi-existent, extradimensional, or otherwise anomalous nations known to the Foundation. Recovered documents have mentioned:

  • The Democratic Union of New Kalmaris
  • The Commonwealth of Taured
  • The Kingdom of Hy-Brasil and the Four Cities
  • The Republic of Arnold Fitzwilliams
  • The Islamic Union of Eastern Samothrace
  • The Empire of the Daeva,

among others, including a number of states not known to the Foundation as well as several documents in unknown languages. Several of these documents are printed on unconventional materials such as papyrus scrolls, parchment, preserved leaves, and thin clay tablets, with information recorded using media including but not limited to carving, cuneiform, oil paint, ink, and blood. Dates of issue/expiry listed within these records (where present and discernible) indicate a wide variety of timeframes, with a small number having been ostensibly issued to SCP-XXXX thousands of years ago.

Due to its reliably grandiose spending habits and the availability of equipment capable of negating its perceptual camouflage, SCP-XXXX has not proven difficult to track. However, it is aware of the Foundation's existence and intent to contain it, and has repeatedly used its inexhaustible financial resources in conjunction with prior planning to avoid capture and sabotage Foundation assets. SCP-XXXX has applied various combinations of extensive bribery, body doubles, mercenary ambushes, assassins, obfuscating documentation, complex and frequently lethal traps, and even weaponized anomalous artifacts3 to divert investigative efforts and incapacitate Foundation strike teams.

The Foundation has, with the assistance of international government and law enforcement agencies, successfully captured SCP-XXXX on three separate occasions, each of which resulted in a containment breach and the entity's subsequent escape. The first attempt ended in failure when the convoy transporting SCP-XXXX to its prospective containment site was assaulted by a detachment of mercenaries4, which disabled the convoy's escort, extracted SCP-XXXX, and escaped before reinforcements could arrive. The second concluded similarly, involving a raid by a Chaos Insurgency strike force upon the secondary containment site where SCP-XXXX was temporarily held for processing. A video transcript depicting the circumstances of the third and most recent breach follows below.

Date: November 3rd, 2013
Location: Processing Cell 04, Site-1885
Context: SCP-XXXX intake interview, conducted by Level 3 Researcher Walter Briggs. SCP-XXXX is in the guise of Donovan Edgeworth, a prominent English socialite, and is manacled to the cell's interview table. Researcher Briggs is equipped with a MIMIR visor. Site-188's security response force is doubled and on high alert in anticipation of an armed attempt to free SCP-XXXX.

(Researcher Briggs enters the cell and secures the door with his keycard, then sits in the chair opposite SCP-XXXX. Briggs silently consults SCP-XXXX's file and prepares a clipboard for several moments while SCP-XXXX stares at him with an exaggerated frowning expression. SCP-XXXX speaks first.)

SCP-XXXX: Clever. Very clever. Attempting to bore me into submission, are you? Well, I'll have you know that I've been bored by men three times as tedious as you, and I barely shed any tears at all. My tolerance of monotony borders on the legendary. Do your worst.

(Researcher Briggs briefly glances up from his notes.)

Researcher Briggs: You can relax, XXXX. Nobody here but you and me, and I'm not likely to be impressed by your bravado. As far as your submission, well… you are chained to a table behind a locked blast door within a maximum security containment facility swarming with armed guards half a mile underground, so. Your submission would have been appreciated several years ago, but at this juncture I'd say it would be too little, too late, wouldn't you?

(SCP-XXXX narrows its eyes.)

SCP-XXXX: Your point is unassailable. My situation does indeed appear to be hopeless. In light of that I suppose we aught to get to know one another, hm? Or is this one of those things where you say “There'll be time enough for that, you reprehensible fiend” and we sit here in resounding silence until one of us goes moldy? Which will be you, incidentally. I'm mold-resistant.

Researcher Briggs: No, no, you're right, we might as well start. I'm assuming your answers to the majority these questions will be very humorous and undoubtedly witty lies, but procedure dictates I go through them anyway, so please bear with me. You understand.

SCP-XXXX: Of course, of course, no trouble at all. Ask away.

Researcher Briggs: What is your name?

(SCP-XXXX grins.)

SCP-XXXX: Donovan Edgeworth, investment tycoon and distressingly handsome devil, humbly at your service.

Researcher Briggs: Yes. I understand that this is one of dozens if not hundreds of aliases you've used over the years, with faces and papers to match. However, you may have noticed that I am wearing a very fancy and ridiculous-looking visor, which is… diminishing your roguish good looks, somewhat. That crown is very fetching, by the way. Such a bold statement. I'm sure it'll catch on by next season.

(SCP-XXXX frowns again.)

Researcher Briggs: Your true name, if you please. The one you were born, or… spawned with, whichever term is most appropriate.

SCP-XXXX: Ah. Yes. Right. Regrettably, I'm going to have to disappoint you straight off the block, I'm afraid. I've forgotten it. I'm sure I had one at one point, but I've had so many different ones over the years and it's been such a long time. My initial moniker just sort of… slipped away.

(Researcher Briggs blinks.)

Researcher Briggs:You've forgotten your original name.

SCP-XXXX: Yes. Yes I have.

(SCP-XXXX smiles and flutters its eyelashes.)

Researcher Briggs: Right. Off to a great start. I believe I can already predict this next one, but I'll ask just in case – How old are you?

SCP-XXXX: Nine-hundred eighty-eight million, six-hundred forty-three thousand, seven-hundred and six years young. Give or take a few.

Researcher Briggs: … Seven-hundred… and six, right. I see. Goodness, that big one-billion is just around the corner, isn't it? Quite the milestone, you must be dreadfully excited.

(SCP-XXXX grins and lowers its voice.)

SCP-XXXX: Yes indeed. I intend on the party being of absolutely apocalyptic proportions.

(Researcher Briggs ignores this comment and continues. SCP-XXXX frowns once more.)

Researcher Briggs: Any surviving family?

SCP-XXXX: Yes. Five brothers, one sister, all very much… alive. Father is probably still lurching along, bless his heart, and I believe Mother is dead currently, but you never can tell with her. To be honest, I haven't been along to any of the reunions for quite a while, so my information might be a bit outdated. I'm sort of the black sheep, if you will.

(Briggs nods and records this on his clipboard.)

Researcher Briggs: Alright. And the last of the general questions: What are you?

SCP-XXXX: What am I? Why, I'm as human as they come, just as sure as you're intelligent and interesting! Wait. Oh, ha ha, very funny. Yes, I get it, you think I'm ugly. Hilarious.

(Briggs sighs.)

Researcher Briggs: Now who's being tedious? You're very plainly not human. You may have been at one point, admittedly, but certainly not now. Are you going to answer the question, or shall we move on?

SCP-XXXX: Fine. Spoilsport. No, I'm not human. As you've so keenly discerned. As far as what I am, well… I'm not entirely sure how to describe it. That's like asking a lamp what the boiling point of weasels is, or asking the wind how defeated it likes its pizza to be. If that makes sense.

Researcher Briggs: … It doesn't, but it's at least as enlightening as the rest of this conversation has been. Right then, onto the more specific items. What relationship do you have with the organizations known as Marshall, Carter, and Dark, the Chaos Insurgency, and Are We Cool Yet?

SCP-XXXX: You're sort of out of the loop, aren't you. What am I saying, of course you are, you literally work in a hole in the earth. Those organizations provide things called “goods” and “services”, many of which I like. They like money. So, I will oftentimes give them money, and they will give me the things I like. It's called commerce, you bleeding nitwit. Don't you have files on these people or something? I know you've got one on me, I can see it right there.

Researcher Briggs: Does assaulting heavily-defended Foundation assets and installations at the risk of life and limb for the sake of keeping you out of our custody count as “commerce”? Or is this some kind of VIP benefit? Maybe some kind of rewards program?

SCP-XXXX: Yes, actually. Well, sort of. Not only will I purchase the services of these peoples' fighting men to keep you all out of my hair, but I've earned a bit of sponsor's privilege with them. After all, I can't give them any more of my money if I'm behind bars, can I? It's mutually beneficial.

Researcher Briggs: Hm. There's one inconsistency in that explanation that stands out to me.


Researcher Briggs: You don't have any hair.

(SCP-XXXX scowls, and nods slowly.)

SCP-XXXX: Alright. Alright, Mister Doctor Whatever-you-said-your-name-was. That was very nearly approaching the outskirts of the same galactic quadrant as “funny”. I'll give you that one free of charge.

Researcher Briggs: Thank you. Now, can you share with us what exactly your plan was? With the multiple identities, infiltration of global aristocracy, obstruction of our investigations into your activities, and the flagrant use of your anomalous abilities to stockpile anomalous artifacts from dangerous criminal organizations, with which you freely associate and “sponsor”? What were your intentions? What was all this leading toward?

(SCP-XXXX laughs.)

SCP-XXXX: Really? You're having me on. No? Alright, I can tell from your lamentable and unfortunate face that you're not actually joking. Seeing as how you're so very curious, and in all likelihood I'm going to be here for a very long time, I might as well clue you in. In actuality…

(SCP-XXXX leans forward in its chair slightly.)

SCP-XXXX: There isn't any fucking plan, you ridiculous bespectacled cretin, and there never was. Good lord, they were absolutely right about you lot, you know. You think that I pursue pointless luxuries, go to parties, rub elbows with upper-class idiots, live in mansions, purchase the most exquisite of whores and dump ludicrous amounts of drugs into my body analogue because I'm up to something? I'm having fun, you hilarious baboon. I understand that may be a tricky concept for your monomaniacal, Machiavellian, puritanical organization to comprehend, but that is indeed the case. There I am, minding my own business as cool as you please, then suddenly you come along and rain on my beautiful, hedonistic sin parade. You know, you could benefit from my resources just as much as the others do, but noooooo, we've all got to be just as obsessive and self-righteous as you are. Honestly, it's enough to give a man a cardiac episode, if I had a cardiac capable of being episodic. Or was a man.

Researcher Briggs: … Right. I'll put that down as “denies all allegations of malicious intent”.