Herman Fuller Collaboration Page

The Things Lollipop Is Not Allowed To Do At The Circus Of The Disquieting

Please note: This list is not a joke. Each entry is something Lollipop either did, attempted to do, or at the very least expressed an interest in doing.

Attempt to break her record of drinking 5 7 8 pints of Clown's Milk in one sitting.
Attempt to break her record of producing 3 1/2 5 1/2 6 1/2 pints of Clown's Milk in one sitting.
Call a Circus wide emergency conference to decide whether Quincy's butterflies pollinating Yume's flowers counts as sex.
Debate customers on the validity of the Fifthist Church's teachings.
Stretch Meaty the Meat Worm into a Mobius strip.
Attempt to guess Manny's actual name.
Change the gravity in the bounce house from 'Moon' to 'Sun'.
Order any Wondertainment product that is living, explosive, radioactive, poisonous, autonomous, expensive or requires adult supervision without Icky's permission.
Create anatomically correct, animate balloon animals. (not even for educational purposes)
Challenge Motormouth to a pie eating contest.
Crawl inside Motormouth's stomach while he's sleeping in order to retrieve said pies.
Ask the Amazing Zoltan if he knows why kids love the great taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, how many licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop, etc.
Consult the Amazing Zoltan on anything other than Alchemy.
Cite the Scarlet King mythos as a 'patriarchal yet functional' example of polyamory.
Attempt to harvest silk from Library Pages.
Attempt to hack the SCP database to change every 'good freak's' special containment procedures to "set them free you assholes".
Claim she is the first openly LGBT individual to literally ride a rainbow. (It's part of the midway. I've ridden it, and I'm sure lots of other LGBT+s have too)
Incorporate Miles the Bonecat into her Pussy Lovers routine. (the boner pun was hilarious though)
Re-purpose Dicksy's old reprogenetic equipment into a DIY bio-lab. (It doesn't matter how easy Professor Abnormal made it look, self-replicating cotton candy is a disaster waiting to happen)
Arrange play-dates for Ragamuffin with other possessed dolls.
Ask Ed & Al if they stock Tartarean Brimstone. (I do not want Ragamuffin summoning play-dates for herself either)
Place Eliza inside of a custom made hamster ball.
Ask any of our Sur-prizers to create extropic bouncy balls. We're lucky that thing bounced off into space before it killed anyone.
Ask any of our Carnival Confectionarians to create extropic jumping jelly beans. Please see above.
Ride the Ferris Wheel on top of, outside of, or underneath the cars. (I know she's not in any danger, but it sets a bad example for the younger guests)
Use Cotton Candy and Calliope music recreationally during work hours.
Ride the go-carts while under the influence of the above.
Introduce wooden ponies from the Carousel to real ponies from the Petting Zoo. The experience is existentially horrifying for both of them.
Utter the phrase 'Circus Time Procedures' within earshot of Eugene.
Tell the children of guests that running away from home can turn out great.
Claim that her self-appointed position as the Circus's Princess entitles her to an adult-sized play castle. (In all fairness this turned out be a great attraction for the midway, but it still isn't hers)
Complain to The Masked Lords, The Ambassador, The Hanged King or that guy selling olive oil that Alagadda isn't colourful enough.
Attempt to weaponize Waldorf's old cannon as a defense against Essie P raids.
Ask the Shark Punching Center if they've ever fought a Sharknado.
Ride her unicyle at supersonic speeds.
Commission Anderson Robotics to create "Five Nights at Freddy's" knock off animatronics.
Attempt to spay and/or neuter any of the attractions in the Menagerie of Mayhem.
Claim that napping during work hours are 'business calls to the Oneiroi Collective'. (I don't care if she actually is talking with it, there's no reason she can't do it at night)
Make any sort of marking on an Inkling note.
Use the Kaleidoscope to harvest helium from Jupiter. (Yes, I know it's a dwindling resource. Let Elon Musk expose his ass to that much radiation to get it)
Ask any members of the Cogwork Orthodoxy how the constant ticking doesn't drive them insane.
Conduct 'sensitivity workshops'. (I know she meant well, but it ended up being far more offensive than the inciting incident)
Ask Gary to help her make crank calls to any reality's President Trump, President Clinton, President Sanders, President Ryan, President-for-life Obama, you know what, just revoke her use of Gary's phone box altogether.
Take Victor any VIP guest on a tour of the Funhouse without any accompanying children.
Order a second Obama Llama to see if they'll bite each other's testicles off.
Direct guests looking for the restrooms to the Milking tent.
Let Quincy anyone drive our Porsche!
Let any of Ripley's sea-monsters out of the Fun-house because 'they needed some fresh-air'.
Offer Clown's Milk to non-clowns she doesn't like as a covert attempt at assassination.
Secretly administer Antabuse any medication to Bubblegum anyone.
Tell Nixie that she is not allowed in her tank within an hour after eating.
Attempt to locate the City of Adytum on Google Maps.
Play 'Bloody Mary' with Pepper's mirror.
Hide all the Clown Impulse Suppressant because 'Clowns are supposed to be impulsive'.
Troll GAW chat rooms by claiming to be a gamer unironically opposed to marijuana.
Bring a 'dune worm' through the Kaleidoscope.
Ask Sandstorm to make a giant desert terrarium for said dune worm.
Call Iris Dark for tech support.
Call Percival Darke for tech support. (He doesn't have a phone, I don't know how she actually did this)
Upload nightcore remixes of Virtuoso's arias on Youtube.

Old Draft. Please Ignore.

The following is a page from a publication entitled To the Circus Born: Herman Fuller's Menagerie of Freaks. The identities of neither publisher nor author have been established, and scattered pages have been found inserted into Circus-themed books in libraries across the world. The person or persons behind this dissemination are unknown.

Icky the Magic Clown

I don’t want to complain about my parents too much. They were decent enough to me I guess, but they were also very conservative. Conservative enough that when I got old enough to realize I liked girls, I was scared. I wasn’t that great at staying in the closet either. Even back then I was fairly pretty and rumours about why I rebuffed all the boys’ affections started circulating around school. I knew it was only a matter of time before my parents heard them from somebody. I knew I had to run away but I had no idea where I would go or how I would survive.

Then the Circus came to town. Herman Fuller’s Circus of the Disquieting to be specific. I couldn’t help but notice there were quite a few young people working there, some even younger than I was, and it didn’t seem like such a bad gig. I liked performing, I’d get to travel all over and gain experience, and most importantly I’d be somewhere so freakish that being queer didn’t even register as abnormal.

After asking around a bit I ended up in the Ringmaster’s tent. At the time he acted professional enough, and I wouldn’t realize until later what a psycho he was. He interviewed me, I told him about my acting experience in school plays, drama club and the local theater. He had me do a little audition, and then asked straight up why I was running away. I told him, which was scary because I had never told anyone I was queer before. He just made a somewhat crass comment about him being ‘out of luck’, but it wasn’t a problem. Honestly, it was a relief to finally say it aloud and not be stoned to death or something.

Herman told me that he usually only hired extraordinary performers, but he could see that I had a sparkle of potential. He said that if I joined his Circus and let him work his magic to transform me into something extraordinary, I’d be fed, clothed, and given a bed to sleep in, and no one would mind should I chose to bring another girl to that bed. I happily agreed, oblivious to the fact that when he said he was going to ‘work his magic’ to ‘transform me’ he wasn’t speaking figuratively.

Herman stowed me away in one of the caravans until we left town, but I did hear my parents calling for me outside before then. They sounded so upset, and I felt so terrible I cried, but I didn’t go to them. I never saw them again. I know I broke their hearts. I figure they eventually pieced together that I ran away because I was queer, and I wonder if they ever felt guilty for making me feel that was my only option. Maybe not. Maybe they denied the rumours, or maybe they were glad to be rid of their deviant daughter. I’ll never know.

Once we were out of town Herman had Manny show me around the Circus to see where I’d fit in best, and I really hit it off with the Clowns. Most people think Clowns are creepy, if not plain horrifying, upon seeing us up close, but I was awestruck by their supernatural and theatrical talents. I said they were amazing, and Manny muttered that that's what Fuller thought too.

The Clowns took a liking to me as well, and after I had been working with them for a while the prospect of ‘conversion’ was brought up. I had never seriously considered the idea of becoming anything other than Human before, mainly because I didn’t know that was possible, but as Tinkles went over the procedure with me I found it more and more appealing. I felt so bad about leaving my parents, but Clowns were always happy. The Clowns were amazing, and I wanted to be amazing, so I agreed.

The procedure itself wasn’t fun, but it was nothing a pint of Milk couldn’t fix, and the results were well worth it. I was immortal, magic and most importantly happy. I decided to combine stage magic with my real magic, and Icky the Magic Clown was born. I was one of our troupe’s most popular acts, and since I wasn’t as temperamental as the born Clowns I was usually put front and center whenever we had to interact with the audience directly. That’s why they eventually elected me troupe leader.

But you probably want to hear about the juicy stuff, right? Hottest thing I can think of is when Motormouth and I were both dating the contortionist. Physically and sexually flexible, she wanted to screw inside of his

211

Note to Beta Readers: I'm planning for this to be an SCP-4000 entry, assuming it's compatible with the contest theme. Otherwise, I might just stick it in one of the last remaining 3000 slots or one of the first 4000s after the contest. It's also occurred to me to submit it as a 001 proposal, but that's probably overly ambitious.

BY THE AUTHORITY OF THE O5 COUNCIL

SCP-4000 Is An ABRAXAS-Class Anomaly And Requires Level 3/4000 Clearance To Access

Unauthorized Access Is Prohibited And Will Result In Amnestic Treatment And Disciplinary Review

This is a placeholder, Kaktus said he could make me a proper image.

Instance of SCP-4000 performing for GoI-233, 19██.

Item #: SCP-4000

Object Class: Abraxas

Special Containment Procedures: The entrance to SCP-4000-A is to be sealed off with a 5cm thick beryllium-bronze plate engraved with a Way-disrupting warding grid of thaumic glyphs. A squad of Mobile Task Force Psi-27 "Caped Crusaders" is to stand watch at SCP-4000-A's entrance at all times. Non-authorized individuals attempting to enter SCP-4000-A are to be detained and interrogated. O5 Command is to be immediately alerted if any objects or entities emerge from SCP-4000-A.

Neither manned or automated exploration of SCP-4000-A is permitted at this time, as to avoid provoking native instances of SCP-4000. An incursion into our reality by any additional instances of SCP-4000 is to be considered a potential ZK-Class End of Reality Scenario. At present, the Foundation does not possess a strategy for preventing or repelling such an incursion, but research is ongoing.

The number of SCP-4000 instances currently present in baseline reality is to be periodically estimated by measuring the Cosmic Hume Field and by Foundation agents taking a census during an annual inspection of GoI-233, as permitted by our armistice with them. Should the population of SCP-4000 increase above 360 instances, negotiations with GoI-233 to control their population are permitted. Should these negotiations fail, violent culling of the SCP-4000 population is authorized, but due to the nature of SCP-4000, this is to be considered a last resort.

Should any instances of SCP-4000 discontinue their association with GoI-233, they are to be captured by MTF Psi-27 and transported to Site-35 for permanent containment and research.

Description: SCP-4000 refers to a population of extra-dimensional humanoids with varying essokinetic abilities. To the best of the Foundation's knowledge, all SCP-4000 instances currently occupying baseline reality are members of GoI-233 (Herman Fuller's Circus of the Disquieting). The extra-dimensional nature of SCP-4000 was initially uncovered in an interview with PoI-4560.

+ Selected Interview #1:

- Hide Interview

Interviewer: Doctor Cecil Maxwell

Interviewee: PoI-4560, Former GoI-233 member "Dick C. Normus".

<Begin Log>

(extraneous dialogue redacted for brevity)

PoI-4560: Jesus Murphy, are they putting lead in the water around here or something? Do they lobotomize you to make you more obedient goons? Or did you just sign up with the Foundation because you couldn't make the cut for any institute that doesn't burn through staff like a whorehouse burns through penicillin? I already explained this when you first nabbed me! I explained it after you threw me in this clink, and if you strain that monkey brain of yours real hard you may recall I explained it when you asked five minutes ago. I. BREED. CLOWNS!

Dr. Maxwell: (inhales sharply, visibly straining to maintain composure) Let me rephrase the question. Our genetic analysis of SCP-2912 has revealed that they are nearly identical to Homo sapiens…

PoI-4560: Is that a fact? Never would have figured them three was butt buddies. Not that that sort of thing is unheard of for their kind mind you. Their troupe leader's a lady Clown who loves her some pussy, despite the irresistible charms of yours truly. Not that I have a problem with the queers, I just like a challenge.

Dr. Maxwell: (sighs) Please tell me you're being intentionally obtuse. You know what Homo sapiens are, right?

PoI-4560: Yeah, yeah, I'm just fucking with you. What's your point?

Dr. Maxwell: Did you, or others of your profession, breed Clowns from human beings?

PoI-4560: No no no, they take Humanoid forms when they get here from Clown Town, and that's what I breed.

Dr. Maxwell: Clown Town? Where is that?

PoI-4560: Jeez, I don't know. It's outside of our universe, best I can tell you. Ain't ever been there myself, but I've heard it's quite the happening locale.

Dr. Maxwell: Do you know if there's a way of accessing it?

PoI-4560: Matter of fact, Herman did let it slip one time over drinks where the Way to it is. That's Way with a capital W, by the way (snickers). You folk know about Ways right?

Dr. Maxwell: Not so much personally, but we have people who are versed in such matters.

PoI-4560: Good. Good. If we can come to a deal, I could tell you where the Way is and how to open it.

Dr. Maxwell: What would you want?

PoI-4560: Smokes, scotch, and conjugal visits with your female D-classes twice a week. Clean ones too. That shouldn't be hard, you do medical tests on them before you put them into service anyway, right? Come on doc, it's almost Christmas. Have a heart.

Dr. Maxwell: The cigarettes and scotch I can probably manage, and… I'll talk to HR about the conjugal visits. If any D-class are willing, and we can spare them, it's not completely out of the question.

PoI-4560: Merry Christmas to me. The Way is [REDACTED], a big round green door in a stone wall. You can't miss it. We call it 'The Entrance of the Gladiators'. Make sure it's shut tight, then you need to play Entry of the Gladiators. It has to be the original, no remixes or anything like that, it has to be a calliope, and it has to be live. Recordings won't do shit. Once it's been playing for about ten, twenty seconds you should be able to open the door, and you'll be looking straight into Clown Town. To close it all you got to do is shut the door with the music off.

Dr. Maxwell: Well, this has been a surprisingly productive interview. Thank you for your time, Mr. Normus.

PoI-4560: Fuck you.

<End Log>

It should be noted that the incident resulting in PoI-4560's death occurred only two days after this interview. It is currently believed that GoI-233 was somehow aware that PoI-4560 had provided the Foundation with the above information, and that PoI-4560 was assassinated in order to prevent future information leaks.

Entrance into SCP-4000-A prior to current containment procedures.

The 'Entrance of the Gladiators' was found at the location that PoI-4560 specified and was successfully activated by Foundation personnel, creating a Way into SCP-4000-A.

Preliminary observations and readings through this Way indicated that SCP-4000-A is an extra-dimensional location of undetermined and possibly indeterminate size. The Hume levels within SCP-4000-A are unusually low, averaging between 0.1-0.3 Humes. This results in the laws of physics fluctuating wildly, as well as the frequent and spontaneous occurrence of anomalies and dimensional breaches. Space and Time are also severely distorted. Due to the inconsistent laws of physics, terrestrial life cannot survive within SCP-4000-A, nor can any electronic or mechanical devices function.

Preliminary exploration was accomplished with the use of a UAV equipped with a mobile Scranton Reality Anchor, though this was only effective for approximately 33 minutes, as measured from base reality. The amount of time the UAV was in SCP-4000-A from its own frame of reference remains unclear.

+ Exploration Log:

- Hide Log

Mission Time Elapsed	Observations
01:01	The landscape of SCP-4000-A is unusually colourful, but is otherwise observed to be in a constant state of flux. The terrain rises and falls at random, with features like flora and architecture changing at inconsistent rates. Gravity varies between 0.18 and 3.1 times Earth sea level. The 'ground' of SCP-4000-A is not thought to be a planetoid, as it is not believed that any planetary body could form or remain intact within the wildly changing physical laws. The landscape is dotted at random intervals by dimensional rifts of various shapes and sizes.
An hour to climb, an hour to go around	The UAV re-experiences its initial one minute and one second within SCP-4000-A an undetermined number of times before being able to progress. In the distance multiple instances of SCP-4000 can be observed. They appear to be caught in the time loop as well, although their behavior would indicated they are aware of it. Instances always appear at the same point during the 'reset' but are able to vary their behavior within the loop.
-04:29	After jumping backwards in time to several minutes prior to its initial entry point (at least according to external clocks) the UAV is able to observe the sky, which displayed a colourful moving pattern similar to that produced by a kaleidoscope. Spectroscopic analysis of the atmosphere indicated it is comprised of 77% nitrous oxide¹, 21% oxygen, 1% helium and 1% trace gases. Though technically breathable, this air would be extremely psychoactive for Human beings. Its effects on SCP-4000 instances is not clear. [[cell style="text-align: center; padding: .3em .7em; border: 1px solid black"]]
01:01/ 2 628 000 000:02	A colossal clown's head emerges from what appears to be lake of lemonade. The head possesses multiple eyes, noses and mouths around its circumference. It floats over the landscape whilst screaming for somewhere between sixty one seconds and two thousand years. It eventually explodes like a pinata, at which point instances SCP-4000 emerge from buildings to collect the candy.
12:00 (flashing)	Attempts to group these instances into separate species has proven problematic due to their metamorphic abilities. Instances of SCP-4000 were observed to commonly take the form of large (3-4 meters in height), hulking humanoids with white skin and colourful markings, though non-humanoid forms were present as well. Several entities were seen to transition between different forms. Instances of SCP-4000 all possessed grotesquely disproportionate body parts. Nearly all instances were observed to have clawed digits, shark-like teeth and snake-like eyes.
99:99	Instances of SCP-4000 appear to be sapient and possess powerful essokinetic abilities, as they are observed to use their metamorphic abilities creatively for both constructive and recreational purposes, such as transforming their limbs or bodies into tools or producing items ex nihilo which then demanifest when unwanted. Instances are observed to fluctuate between euphoric states of laughter and psychotic episodes of unprompted panic or rage, possibly suggesting widespread mania. Although extreme (if cartoonish) violence is witnessed, no instances are killed or injured, suggesting invulnerability. In addition to SCP-4000, various amorphous black creatures are observed to be active within the SCP-4000-A. SCP-4000 frequently engage with these creatures, both playfully and violently, seemingly with the ultimate goal of [REDACTED].
Oh O'Clock	Teapots being raining from the sky, scolding instances of SCP-4000 and causing widespread panic. The UAV and many instances of SCP-4000 are caught up in a teapot tornado for roughly 30 minutes. At this point time reverses and the camera feed displays everything in negative colour until they are returned to the start of the storm.
Peanut Butter Jelly Time	All instances of SCP-4000 engage in a feast of various types of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, including Fluffernutter and deep fried banana. During this feast the sky literally falls, revealing countless dimensional breaches to other realities. Many instances of SCP-4000 produce impossibly tall ladders and proceed to repair the sky with elmer's glue. A number of extra-terrestrial and extra-dimensional objects and creatures are observed to fall into SCP-4000-A during this time period, none of which are able to maintain their reality inside of the low Hume field and quickly dissolve into pink mist.
ERROR	At this point, an instance of SCP-4000 with a pin head that inflates and deflates like a balloon notices the UAV and alerts the others, resulting in [DATA EXPUNGED]. Contact with the UAV is lost, and the mission is considered terminated.

Following the expedition, confirming the relationship with the inhabitants of SCP-4000-A and the Clowns of the Circus of the Disquieting became a priority.

+ Selected Interview #2:

- Hide Interview

Interviewer: Dr. Amanda Ping

Interviewee: PoI-3077, former GoI-233 member "Saccharina Sweet".

<Begin Log>

Dr. Ping: Hello Ms. Sweet, it's good to speak with you again. Today, we'd like to talk about anything you may know about the Clowns at the Circus of the Disquieting.

PoI-3077: I'll do my best, though I tried to avoid those things as much as I could. Where do you want to start?

Dr. Ping: We have knowledge of an extra-dimensional location the Circus refers to as Clown Town. Another former Circus member, who I believe you may know by the name of "Dick C. Normus", claimed this is where your Clowns came from. However, we have noticed a number of rather drastic difference between the inhabitants of Clown Town and the Clowns at the Circus of the Disquieting. Do you have information regarding this?

PoI-3077: I know that the Circus Clowns took lesser forms when they joined, something about surviving in our reality and not upsetting the audience. Aside from their colouration they look mostly human, though a lot of them have disproportionate body parts. They're reality warpers, but not as powerful as they are in Clown Town. They have perfect, dazzling white teeth even though they love candy. Most of the time they're manically happy, but when they get angry or scared they're psychotic. They're physically superhuman, they don't grow old, and they need Clown's Milk to survive. You know about Milk right?

Dr. Ping: We have samples of it, but we don't know where it comes from.

PoI-3077: From Fun-lovers, nightmarish sacs of black bile with too many legs. So long as they're having fun, they make Milk. I don't know exactly how they're related to the Clowns, but they appear to be subservient. I think their civil rights was an issue, but I didn't get involved in any of that.

Dr. Ping: Do you have any information regarding their reproduction? We've been given to understand that some of the Clowns have been bred.

PoI-3077: You probably know more about that then I do. They stopped breeding Clowns after Dicksy left. I do know that the bred Clowns are usually less intelligent with much stranger bodies. They seem to only be able to use their reality-bending by instinct, restricting their powers. I guess they were supposed to be easier to manage.

Dr. Ping: So after the departure of Dicksy, er…Mr. Normus, no new Clowns have been born in this reality?

PoI-3077: Born? No, but at least one girl was turned since then. Maybe more.

Dr. Ping: I'm sorry, turned?

PoI-3077: Yes, sorry. Humans can be converted into Clowns. That's how the Circus increased their population before Dicksy. Turned Clowns are pretty much the same as the originals. A little more normal looking, a little less temperamental, but that's it. The Ringmaster Icky is a turned Clown, along with her girlfriend Lolly².

Dr. Ping: Uh…okay. How is this accomplished?

PoI-3077: I couldn't tell you, but I assume it involves Clown's Milk and calliope music.

Dr. Ping: And does the Circus kidnap people for this?

PoI-3077: No. As far as I know, everyone was willing. Lolly said she begged to join the Circus, she loved it so much. There was another Clown, Harold, who claimed he used to be the Prime Minister of Australia. Says he turned into a Clown so he could live forever.

Dr. Ping: Why would anyone agree to that?

PoI-3077: Like I said, the Clowns are immortal, magic, and most of the time pretty damn happy. I think that last one is what appeals to people the most.

Dr. Ping: That's…fascinating. I think we have enough for today. Thank you for your time, Ms. Sweet.

PoI-3077: Anytime.

<End Log>

A Foundation forensic investigation has tentatively identified PoI-233-03³, as Veronica Mason of ██████████, ██, who was reported missing July 19th, 19██. Along with testimony from other former Circus members, as well as promotional materials produced by GoI-233 itself, the practice of converting Human beings into SCP-4000 is accepted as fact.

Clown breeding, Clown conversion, and immigration from SCP-4000-A all pose the risk of an exponential increase in the population of SCP-4000.The threat posed by an increasing Clown population has little to do with their individual abilities, but their collective effect on reality itself.

Testing and experimentation with SCP-2912 has shown that instances of SCP-4000 cause the Cosmic Hume Field to weaken by their mere presence in our reality. The effect caused by a single instance is imperceptible, and the effect caused by the current population is insignificant, but the effect increases exponentially with the number of SCP-4000 instances in our reality. It's estimated that a population of >████ instances would cause the Cosmic Hume Field to decrease by 0.1 Humes on average, and a population of >█████ instances would result in our Universe being similar to SCP-4000-A, rendering it uninhabitable for both terrestrial life and most other endemic lifeforms.

Based on the current strength of the Cosmic Hume Field, GoI-233's population of SCP-4000 is estimated to currently be between ██ and ███ individual instances. Population size appears to have remained stable since the turn of the 21st century.

Upon the realization of the threat posed by SCP-4000, it was reclassified to Abraxas⁴. Mobile Task Force Kappa-14 "AH! Sideshow Bob!" was commissioned to gather intelligence on GoI-233 and SCP-4000 in particular.

This proved more difficult than anticipated. In addition to changing its location daily via anomalous and untraceable methods, the Circus apparently possesses a pretermemetic effect on human minds. Those who have attended the Circus often report believing it to have been a dream or at the very least non-anomalous, believing what they had seen to have been expertly executed illusions.

This effect appears to be especially effective on individuals the Circus of the Disquieting would consider their enemies. Embedded intelligence agents have consistently failed to report occurrences of GoI-233 activity within their territories, with at least one incident of an agent attending the Circus of the Disquieting without realizing it was anomalous until the next day. On the rare occasion that the Foundation has confirmed the presence of GoI-233, they have always successfully evacuated the area before they could be intercepted.

Research into counteracting this effect is ongoing has been suspended. See Incident Report.

Incident Report 4000-01: On November 6th, 20██, the Foundation received a handwritten letter addressed to the O5 council. It read as follows:

~ Herman Fuller's Circus Of The Disquieting ~

Dear Essie

I want to talk in person. You know what about.

Let's meet in Sloth's Pit - Freak Country, so I'll have the home field advantage. This Thursday, 10 PM, in the alley behind Rudy's Cafe.

Send one agent and one agent only from Site 87. If he's not alone or there to do anything besides talk, I'll know. And I won't be happy.

~ The Man With The Upside-Down Face 🙃

Agent Ruby Williams was selected to meet with PoI-233-02 at the time and location specified in the letter. She was provided with a subdermal GPS tracker along with a concealed sidearm and light body armour under her street clothes. A hidden body camera provided a live video feed to Squad 25 of MTF Sigma-10, who were on standby in an armoured transport approximately 100 meters away in case the situation became violent. Agent Seren Pryce was positioned on an adjacent rooftop for additional fire support.

The following is the interview between Agent Williams and PoI-233-02, as captured by her body camera.

+ Selected Interview #3:

- Hide Interview

Interviewer: Agent Ruby Williams

Interviewee: PoI-233-02, "The Man With The Upside-Down Face"

<Begin Log>

(as Agent Williams approaches the designated meeting location, the silhouette of a tall, muscular man comes into view)

PoI-233-02: That's close enough young lady. I don't want your friends down the street to get too good a look at me.

(the subject takes a drink from large cup of coffee from Rudy's Cafe. Notably, he raises it to what appears to be his forehead)

Agent Williams: Okay, how the hell do you drink, or eat or breathe or speak with an upside-down face?

(subject lowers the cup, and swallows without any apparent difficulty)

PoI-233-02: Magic.

Agent Williams: You know, some of my higher-ups nearly shit themselves when you actually offered to meet with us. Your Circus is really fucking difficult to find.

PoI-233-02: Only for those who aren't supposed to find it. Once, we had some UIU goons literally going in circles around the fairground because they couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. But on the other end of the spectrum, you got people like our Lolly. She heard the calliope music from over a mile away. Drew her in like a siren song, and she could see the Circus was magic as plain as day. She loved it all so much she tried to stow away in a caravan. How could we have turned her away, when the Circus clearly called her to us?

Agent Williams: Why are you telling me this?

PoI-233-02: So that you'll know that a seven-year-old girl once did by accident what you've been trying to do for decades.

Agent Williams: (sighs) What did you want to talk to us about?

PoI-233-02: I know that the O5s have been getting a little anxious about our Clowns lately.

Agent Williams: And how do you know that?

PoI-233-02: A spy network of trained fleas, going all the way up to the Administrator, but that's not important.

Agent Williams: Are you aware of the threat SCP-4000 poses to our reality?

PoI-233-02: I am. I also know that you folks are thinking that if you can get your shit together and finally catch us with our pants down, you might be able to storm us with your finest mobile task forces and clasp Scranton Reality Anchors around the neck of every Clown and drag them off to your deepest, darkest hole in the ground. If our worst day lined up with your best day, maybe, just maybe, you could pull that off. But it won't solve your problem. All our Clowns are still citizens of Clown Town, and an attack of that magnitude will be considered an act of war. Unaltered Clowns will come storming through the Entrance of the Gladiators, so many that their mere presence will tear this reality to pieces. You will have caused the very apocalypse you are seeking to prevent.

Agent Williams: The Overseers have considered that possibility. So what would you have us do?

PoI-233-02: Nothing. Let me handle it, like I've been handling it for over a hundred years. Let someone else secure, contain and protect for once. The Clowns don't want our reality to become like Clown Town. The whole reason they come here is that they think Clown Town is boring. The Clown population at the Circus poses no danger to our reality, and it's stable. You know no new Clowns have left Clown Town since you took control of the Entrance. We haven't been breeding any since Dicksy left and Lolly was the last human we turned. I'll make sure the Clown population is sustainable, and so long as they're all with the Circus you don't have to worry about them running amok in the wild.

Agent Williams: The only problem with that is that the creatures we observed in SCP-4000-A didn't really seem all that rational. Life looked pretty crazy in there. What happens if one or more of them snaps and decides they can't take it anymore, and barge into our reality not giving a damn about the consequences.

PoI-233-02: Then we'll have Doctor Tinkles up their dose for Clown Impulse Suppressant. I know the Clowns may seem bizarre, but they're not savages. They have means of curbing their more destructive impulses, and in the century I've been dealing with them they've never given me cause to believe that they would ever let themselves destroy another reality.

Agent Williams: Another reality?

PoI-233-02: … Nobody's perfect.

Agent Williams: (sighs) Okay, for the sake of argument let's say you're right and that no additional instances will ever emerge from SCP-4000-A and that you can handle the Clown population at the Circus. I assume you want something in return for this 'service'?

PoI-233-02: Only that you stop trying to raid us. I'm sick of having to pull out in a hurry and leave people behind. We're not causing any trouble. Hell, we do what you do. We keep freaks sequestered from the general public to protect them from each other. We're not even a threat to normalcy since most of our guests don't think anything they saw really happened. We'll keep all our Clowns and Freaks contained, so long as you stop trying to contain us. That's reasonable, isn't it?

Agent Williams: We'll still need a way to keep tabs on you.

PoI-233-02: Fair enough. Tell you what, I'm rather fond of this little town, it being Freak Country and all. You keep your end of the agreement, and the Circus will do shows here once a year or so. I promise that you'll have no trouble finding us. You and your brother, hell your whole squad can come on down, take a look around, have a chat, and tell your bosses whatever they want to know. I promise I'll keep Icky from 'over-reacting' to your visit. If you're going to do a head count, keep in mind that we've always had 'professional clowns' that weren't real Clowns. Jester, for instance. We got a deal?

Agent Williams: How the hell do you know about my brother?

PoI-233-02: Trained fleas, we've established that. Do we have a deal?

Agent Williams: That's up to the Overseers, but your terms don't sound unreasonable. I'll report back to them and if all goes well, I'll be seeing you next time you roll through town.

PoI-233-02: I look forward to it. You have a disquieting day now.

(PoI-233-02 steps back into the shadows and seemingly vanishes)

<End Log>

By a vote of 8 to 5, The O5 Council accepted the terms presented by PoI-233-02. As all attempts to contain GoI-233 have proven futile, a working agreement with them was considered an acceptable alternative. A centralized population of SCP-4000 is easier to monitor, and a successful raid on GoI-233 poses the risk of dispersing them, as well as provoking a potentially ZK-class scenario from the inhabitants of SCP-4000-A.

No further raids are to be attempted on GoI-233, with research on the Circus of the Disquieting being limited to currently contained SCPs, as well as objects and entities that may disassociate from them in the future. Squad 25 of MTF Sigma-10 are to attend the Circus of the Disquieting during manifestations adjacent to Site-87 for the purpose of gathering intelligence and negotiating with PoI-233-02. Containment efforts of SCP-4000 are to focus on research into permanently closing the entrance to SCP-4000-A.

Addendum: After extensive investigation, the Internal Security Department has come to the conclusion that PoI-233-02's claim that he was spying on the Foundation by the use of trained fleas was, in fact, facetious.

I guess this'll just be my tab, I can even add a table of contents and everything if I feel so inclined, so I'll use this tab and not clutter up the rest of your sandbox (for stuff like Brainy stories and such).

Wonder World!™ Facts!

I'll get to the policies and politics eventually…

An Origin Story

No, the Exposition!!

9:13 PM <DarkStuff> Alright so! Black man, Chester Williams, AKA Dr. Wondertainment, teams up with Maria… Herring. Maria Herring. That name is important in my other stories, also considering that Mr. Ribbit's original last name was Herring.
9:15 PM <DarkStuff> They start up a little magic and toy shop in the bad part of town, where small occult businesses and shady stores exist. Because that's the only place they're able to secure a spot. He is originally unaware of her being actually magic, and only starts to question it when he notices that her toys are… grande. "This thing actually flies?" "Well yeah, I studied aerodynamics." "Uh-huh, okay…"
9:15 PM <DrChandra> I'm going AFK for a bit, but you can keep brainstorming if you want and I'll take a look in a little bit.
9:15 PM <DarkStuff> Small things like that that kept coming up. Alright!
9:15 PM <DarkStuff> I will.
9:17 PM <DarkStuff> And, you know, these toys, which bring untold joys to children who write it off in adulthood as an overactive imagination, they start getting noticed. By other magical people. Word is out. There's a Wondrous, capital W, toy maker somewhere in Boston. "Where did you get this child?" "Oh, I wandered down an alley lost from my mom and a man took me into his shop to save me from bad guys."
9:18 PM <DarkStuff> Before the SCP (who knows how big SCP is at this moment, depends on head canon) or the GOC (similar predicament) can get to this guy, he begins to grow. "Word says that you're magic." He starts getting more people working for him, and they're making money from some altogether more odd customers now.
9:19 PM <DarkStuff> People Chester could never imagine had ever existed, but this was now his every day life. Strange faces (and legs and arms and other various body parts) came in and out of his humble little shop every day, and he was making more toys than he could ever imagine. He eventually had enough to move to a bigger shop, but… he was told not to.
9:20 PM <DarkStuff> "You can't be that public! Bad things happen to people who take the magic into the lives of all those normal people. You've always rode the line, it's best not to test your luck."
9:20 PM <DarkStuff> "Then what do I do, remain in this alley forever? I can't do that to myself, it's degrading, I was born to be a toy maker, I need to make it big —"
9:20 PM <DarkStuff> "Oh you can make it big. Just not here. Come with me."
9:21 PM <DarkStuff> He, with his cash, gets an offer. He basically, through a good friend he's made through the business (more like a business partner, but they are chummy and help each other), gets deferred to an interdimensional real estate agent, and he buys an extradimensional space.
9:21 PM <DarkStuff> Cue the beginnings of Wonder World!
9:22 PM <DarkStuff> "But how will people find me?"
9:23 PM <DarkStuff> "Oh ho ho, my good man, the name of Dr. Wondertainment has already spread via word of mouth. Trust me, you will get no shortage of visitors. And if you really must have a store front, than I can make you a Way to your space from this dingy little backstreet store."
9:24 PM <DarkStuff> He decides to go with it, make the toys on display in the store non-magical and changes the name (because Wondertainment is out there, and he has been warned that he is at high risk for getting pursued, and that's the worst thing to happen to small magical businesses like his)
9:25 PM <DarkStuff> As his name gets bigger, his business gets grander, and his extradimensional space expands its boundaries — and because his business is so risky, and his employees are simultaneously looking for asylum from the Jailors…
9:25 PM <DarkStuff> Well, he starts making some housing for people
9:25 PM <DarkStuff> And it becomes a project
9:25 PM <DarkStuff> Sprucing up the place, building it from the ground up
9:26 PM <DarkStuff> Soon it's not just "the store", it's "the tower", and then it's "the grounds", and then "the village", "the town", "the city", and then, finally (though it is somewhat of an exaggeration), the World!
9:27 PM <DarkStuff> Becoming an asylum for Type Greens with a predisposition to love children, the place gets mad amounts of personality, and eventually there are people powerful enough under him that they don't need to spend money to expand their space.
9:27 PM <DarkStuff> Eventually there are people /born/ in Wonder World, and it grows its own culture
9:27 PM <DarkStuff> A culture of fun and fancy free and naivety and all that good stuff.
9:27 PM <DarkStuff> You know where it goes from there.
9:28 PM <DarkStuff> His legacy continues past him, they get business in more dimensions than just our Earth's, and they are so grande and empowered and magnificent and Wondrous that they have survived attacks on themselves
9:30 PM <DarkStuff> And, uh, well, here's the thing: I want to be DONE with Vend-a-Friend at SOME point. I would be holy god damn /honored/ if, like I am planning on writing for Dread & Circuses, you could write up some of this. Contribute to each other's canons, eh? Well, I guess this ain't a canon…
9:30 PM <DarkStuff> …But it could be, and now I have skip ideas. Skip ideas that explain the beginnings of Wondertainment.
9:30 PM <DarkStuff> Skip ideas that simultaneously expand upon early Wondertainment and early Foundation
9:31 PM <DarkStuff> Some works straight from Chester Williams and Maria Herring
9:31 PM <DrChandra> Yeah I like that origin story.
9:31 PM <DarkStuff> :D
9:32 PM <DrChandra> Are you aware that some tales set in ancient times refer to a "Wonder Maker" suggesting that Wondertainment is actually only the modern incarnation of a much more ancient entity?
9:32 PM <DarkStuff> Yes, I am aware, and I dislike that idea
9:33 PM <DrChandra> Gotcha
9:33 PM <DarkStuff> In fact, I disliked most headcanons of Wondertainment. That's why I decided to make my own canon.
9:33 PM <DarkStuff> Vend-a-Friend's version of Wondertainment is supposed to be distinctly different from any and every Wondertainment canon that has come before it.
9:33 PM <DrChandra> Ah, because I was wondering about Isabelle or whatever her name is
9:33 PM <DarkStuff> In this world, she doesn't exist
9:34 PM <DarkStuff> Or, if she does, she does so in an extremely different capacity, to the point of being a different character entirely
9:34 PM <DarkStuff> So it wouldn't be useful to keep her arodun
9:34 PM <DarkStuff> around*
9:34 PM <DarkStuff> Alright, I shall be right back. Getting onto a different computer and hopping into bed.
9:35 PM <DarkStuff> I do really want to hear your thoughts, and I'll be able to read whatever you type in the time that I'm gone.
9:36 PM <DrChandra> I don't really have much to add at this point. Like I said, we should keep all this stuff on the collab hub as notes and references for future tales.

Story Progression…

…And I'm the Star!
Side Effects May Include
Pepper's Lament
Souls & Somas
Deceptive Cadence
Everything Will Be Okay
Holding an Umbrella but the Sun's Still Shining

Chapter -1: And I Think to Myself…

Swahp.

"MMmmf…"

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

zzzzzzzzzzzzz

"Mmm!"

Swahp.

…

ZZZ

"Maah!"

Swhap, whap, plat!

"Leave me alone you gosh darn stupid bug, let me… sleep?"

Judy, half awake, cracked open her eye to find four or five swatted purple and green mosquitoes lying, twitching, by her face.

"Hmm…? I thought we didn't… have mosqui… toes…"

…

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!

"Oh come —!"

Judy noticed the clock.

"— oh."

It was 8:00 ITM on a Museday.

"Oh!"

She took one more look at the valiant battalion of Mosleepos™ that had died nobly in an attempt to wake her up.

"Ooh. Oh no! MOM!"

Judy propelled herself out of bed, switching out her lumpy pink pajamas for her school uniform — a bright blue plaid jacket that was placed over a white polo that was tucked into her skirt, which had a bright yellow waistband and the same blue plaid pattern on its way down to her ankles. She had bright yellow boots and, if she so chose (which she did), a bright yellow straw sunhat and white silk gloves. Quite a lot of "bright", really. The upperclassmen always got the fancier stuff, and the better colors, but Judy kind of liked this outfit. Eventually it might not fit her though.

Studying herself in the mirror, she frowned and noted that she might have to ask the school for a new shirt. Leaning back down, she pulled out her favorite article of clothing — socks. One of the few things she could pick and choose on school days, she became engrossed in pulling out socks and figuring out which best suited her. She didn't have much time for it this morning though, so she slipped on some knee high night sky socks and called it good. As much as Judy wished to get out of the bathroom, something was still bothering her.

"Mom! Mom! Come up here, I need to show you something."

"Can't, sugarpie! I'm making your breakfast!"

"Mmm, but Mom! I can lick my chin!"

"What?"

"I said I can lick my chin! Is that normal?"

"Stop yelling across the house and come down here to talk to me!"

"Mmm! Fine!"

Judy took one last stop to wash her hands. She pumped frosting out of the dispensary in the wall, shoved a big glob into her mouth, and then pumped soap out and washed her hands again because she's not supposed to cover her hands in frosting after washing her hands and in her rushed state she completely forgot.

Coming 'round the corner, Judy jigged down the stairs and came into the living room, from which the kitchen and her mom were visible.

"I thought you told me that the From Nine to Hive clock would help you get up early! I wouldn't have spent all those Pogs on you if I knew it was going to waste."

"It's not going to waste, Mom, I'm just — I forgot we got it, so I was really confused this morning and just kept swatting them — oh dang it! I don't think I turned it off, I need to —"

"Oh don't worry about it, I'll get it after you leave. Here, eat your omelette."

"You made me a whole omelette?"

"Yes, now eat up because at this rate you're going to miss the bus and I am not available to drive you. I need to go up onto the roof and work on getting the phone line fixed."

"You can wait for the mechanic to come around —"

"No, I don't want to. I can do it myself."

"Oh! Mom! Mom! Look at this!"

Judy stuck her tongue out and licked her chin. Her mother looked thoroughly unimpressed.

"I can lick my nose, too! And almost my eyes!"

"That's fun honey, now eat your omelette."

"Oh c'mon! My tongue was never this long, do you think it means something?"

"Everybody gets a little weird around your age, Judy. It's nothing surprising."

"Oh you're no fun."

"I might be more interested if you ate your omelette, you know."

"Euugh."

Judy snarfed down her omelette, taking no time to appreciate her mom's cooking, and then shoved on her backpack that was covered head to toe with various pins proclaiming positive aphorisms.

"Alright, I'm gonna rush out to the bus stop, thank your for breakfast, tell Dad that I cleaned out the fireplace like he asked me to do last night."

"I'll make sure he's aware when he wakes up. Have a good day at school, sugarpie!"

"See you, Mom!"

Judy clambered out the door, pulled her sun hat down to block out the giant tambourine in the sky (the sun on all Musedays), tackled her Well Liked Bike™ that morphed slightly to look cool to whoever was looking, and pedaled off from the suburbs and into the grande pastel city of Wonder World!™.

Judy was onto her, maybe, hundredth game of jacks. Drop a ball, pick up jacks, catch ball. Judy didn't have any of the special versions like the other kids — Jumping Jacks™ ran when you tried to catch them, which was balanced by an allowance of three bounces of the ball (which bounced a little bit higher than most), Jacks & Jill™ would begin to float and collect water (a bit of a stretch, thematically, but fun nonetheless), Pepper Jacks™ which you could grow and were edible (they were more seeds than anything), and many, many more variants. Sometimes you could buy individual balls that performed different feats, such as acting in slow motion to allow for more time to catch, and balls that move around and try to avoid capture to make it an even harder game. Eventually it became a sort of sport — and of course, people could get Jacks' Jacks Packs™, which were like booster packs full of various types of jacks and jack balls. Judy knew some people who had even met Jacks, the mastermind toy maker behind this playground craze, and through them it became household knowledge that he was a reported "happy camper".

But Judy just had normal jacks. The purity of simple Jacks made it feel more satisfying to her. Not to say she was any good at it. In fact, her average was somewhere around three jacks picked up. Judy noticed another five jacks games go by, and looked up to find the bus stop still empty. In fact, she thought she spied some kids strolling by a couple blocks that-a-way. Growing impatient, and more than a little confused, she picked up her game of jacks, packed it up, and aimed herself at an Easy Way Payphone™ across the street from her. Checking both ways for bumper cars, Judy hopped across the green pavement (probably one of the uglier hues the city had, that's what one gets when living in the suburbs) and slid a Pog into the slot, picked up the comically large phone, dialed her friend's house hoping to contact one of their parents because she couldn't recall the school's phone number, and leaned on the wall. She fought with the phone line to pass her time. It reacted to her prodding and tried to lightly whip at her, catching her finger a couple of times.

Clik.

"Hello? Is this Beachball's mom? Or dad?"

"Mmm, no."

"It's Judy, Judy Achilles."

"Oh. Hi Jude."

"Hey Ophe. You sound a lot different over the phone."

"You too."

"Why aren't you at school?"

"Uh… no."

"Hmm?"

"Not at school."

"No, I said 'why'. Why aren't you at school."

"Oh. There's no school today?"

"What?"

"Yeah."

"Why? Wait, no, is Beachball there then?"

"He's just about to head out and meet some of his friends. He's been trying to call you —"

"Hand me! Hand me to him! Hand me hand me hand me!"

"Okay. Okay! Wait a second…"

…

"Jude?"

"Hey Beachball!"

"Woah, hey hey hey! Look who's excited! I've been trying to call you —"

"Our phone line is down! I biked to the bus stop because — oh we probably didn't get the call because…"

"Because your phone line is down."

"Yeah! I didn't know there was no school today! I'm by bus stop number… uh…"

"22."

"Yeah!"

"Why do I remember that but you don't?"

"Look, I am really excited! Why is school cancelled?"

"No clue. Just is."

"Did the teachers need a break?"

"I guess they must need breaks sometimes. More likely Mr. Manager acted up again."

"They really need to fire him."

"Yeah, they —"

"He's a terrible teacher and apparently an even worse coworker."

"Yeah, they need to fire him before he fires them."

"Snrk. You got that right. Okay! So! Where do you want to meet up!"

…

"Beachball?"

"Uh, well, okay, I um…"

"Oh, wait, wait, before you tell me, I'm going to guess."

"Okay, go."

"So, I imagine after you couldn't get ahold of me, you were trying to think of who else to hang out with today."

"Mhmm."

"And then you were sitting and being all sad like you do when you have no one to talk to."

"Pretty much, yeah."

"And then you remembered, ah! There is someone I can call!"

"Mmm…"

"Because you often forget you have friends other than me. You really ought to work on that."

"Yeah…"

"And judging on your hesitation towards me, this isn't one of your established friends…"

"Heheh, yeaah?"

"It was…"

"His name is —"

"Wait! Don't tell me his name! I can guess it! Remember it, I mean! Give me a second… it was… that… mmmm that Bill kid!"

"Yeah you got it —"

"Bill Sipmann! Tell me I'm wrong!"

"You're not —"

"Tell me!"

"Oh shush it, you're not wrong!"

"I knew it. Scandalous, Beach."

"Don't say that too loud…"

"Say what? Scandalous?"

"Quiiiet."

"Scandalous."

"Judy!"

"Okay, so you called him up and now you have… a date!"

"You nailed it."

"And you don't want me along for the ride?"

"No! No, I mean, no offense! Seriously, no offense, please don't take this the wrong way, I just want a more… I wanna… get to know Bill better, y'know?"

"Yeah I know."

"You know."

"I know."

"No hard feelings?"

"Of course not, Ball."

"You have to stick to either 'Beach' or 'Ball', I can't have two nicknames."

"Who says?"

"Me."

"Not good enough."

"Hhh-haa… Okay, anyways, you got something wrong."

"Oh?"

"He called me."

"Oh my gosh!"

"Right?"

"Oh my gosh! Beach! That's great!"

"Yeah! It's, it, uh it made me very, very happy. I am elated, even."

"Nice!"

"Yeah! So, uh, I am sorry to cut this short, but he's actually… outside."

"Ooo, nervous?"

"Maybe a little."

"You're gonna nail it."

"I will?"

"He's going to love you forever."

"Judy…"

"He won't be able to take his eyes off of you. I'm sure you've dressed properly?"

"I was changing as we were having this call."

"Gross. Now go get 'em."

"I'm going!"

"You go, Ball!"

"I'm going!! See ya, Jude!"

"See ya!"

"Bye!"

"Have a good day! Bye!"

"I will, I will! Bye, you too!"

"Yeah! Bye!"

Clik.

Judy hung up the phone and wished them the best, but now… now she had to figure out what to do with her day. Judy hopped on her bike, which currently held the appearance of red and yellow hamburger advertisement (because Judy was hungry, as per usual), and pedaled towards City Center™ and Mainstreet™. Or, more accurately, the Frite Lite Roller Coaster station about fifteen minutes away. No trademark there, because the glorified subway was conceptualized and largely created by one individual who made no attempt to bare any legality. The public made a public service, who would have thought?

No one company owns the Frite Lite Roller Coaster — different sections are owned by different businesses based on where the tracks are. As such, the ever great Dr. Wondertaiment, the government where there otherwise is none, owns most everything surrounding Wonder Tower, and various sections of town collectively own the tracks near them. In its early days, there were many legal disputes on who owned what, but now it had been mostly shaped up. Some parts are a bit more rickety than others, but the Builder Bullies made absolutely certain that the whole thing was made of Crazy Chrome™, which is practically unbreakable unless… well, we weren't allowed to know the "unless" part of that. Only the Builder Bullies are sure of how to take it down.

Judy stopped her bike and parked it in the Full Stack Bike Rack™ in front of the mouth shaped opening to the roller coaster station. Stumbling down the steps, Judy's eyes passed over the big neon sign reading "NEXT CYCLE: 5 MINUTES!". Perfect timing. The Frite Lite Roller Coaster was, although free and fast, was aimed in the exact wrong direction to get her to school, and its schedule was all off; for a normal school day, Judy would have to wait at the station for roughly a half hour and then take a half hour ride, an hour full trip, whereas the bus gets her there in ten minutes.

Regardless, it was fun to sit in the tunnel and watch the local buskers play on their Toofaloos™ and Perdidits™ and Viggavoms™ (all named roughly after the sounds they made) and compete for some pocket change. Of course, on Chrismast™ and Valentine's Day they would usually set aside their differences and play songs together, splitting the daily acquirings evenly and hugging each other goodbye. Those were the best days to be down in the station. As is, it was a cacophony of abstract noise as each tried to overpower the other. Judy sat and focused on the standard old cello, closing her eyes simply to appreciate the sound.

Before it was rudely (but somewhat thankfully) interrupted by the Frite Lite Roller Coaster screeching to a stop.

Judy pulled the safety bar off of herself, grabbed her backpack from the luggage compartment on the side of the massive worm-like vehicle, and then struck up a cheery step while emerging into the assault on the senses that was Wonder World!™ proper! The buildings dived and swam and bubbled to create all shapes but what supposed normal buildings looked like, instead opting for archways and gem-like structures, things that looked like they were built from yarn, glass orbs with little to no foundations, and all different assortments of Dali-esque abstractions. Giving relative shade were the giant unlit balls that hung above the city to act like night lights once the sun went down, but for now floated like giant green and yellow balloons in the slightly purple tinted sky. Smells of cotton candy, hot dog, and taco vendors. Sounds of rides, sounds of salesmen, sounds of tourists.

Tourism was big in Wonder World!™, and so walking around in it barely felt like your own city. Everywhere you would go, there would be those who would giggle at seeing yet another "funny looking local", stick their nose up in the air at the childish atmosphere, cynical negative people who think the whole happy atmosphere is a facade, or worse: forced upon people. Taking much time to talk with the tourists was sure to bring a day down. Some people Judy knew did it anyways — perhaps they felt an obligation to keep up the image of the place? She certainly knew shop owners were forced into it, but honest to gosh she knew people who would just tag along with the tour guide's groups. Maybe they weren't all bad? That wasn't Judy's experience so far. Tourists were sure to bring trouble with them wherever they went. The second they stepped out of the Wonder Ways™, they were sure to shed their poor attitudes onto whoever was unfortunate enough to be around them. At least the kids they brought looked like they were having a blast.

Judy took her time to avoid tourist gazes, but the thought of sticking her tongue out of them reminded her of her new bodily addition, and that got her all happy again. Judy liked to think that she was good at that, but in all likelihood most locals here were. And to sate her ever growing taste buds, Judy thought she might like to get something a bit better than an omelette breakfast. Passing out from Wonder Plaza onto Pom Street® (going under some new construction at the moment), Judy took her time to glance around at the restaurants. She couldn't go for anything fancy, seeing as she was only holding onto her bus fare and cafeteria lunch money (minus the telephone cost). Should she go fast food, or a vendor, or a restaurant? Hobbes' Dogs? Filbert's Fries? Kentucky Fried Chicken? WonderNuts? Hmm…

Honestly, she might as well just settle for a drink. Saturnbucks was just around the corner — the big deer logo on the corner was unmistakable. Stepping through the green-white doors, Judy was met with a waft of cinnamon spice and coffee beans. The ceiling seemed to be replaced with a tasty recreation of the cosmos, swirling galaxies and swarming stars and spelling out advertisements for several nearby Saturn establishments: "Drink up at Saturn (Root) Beer!"; "Buy all types of tasty fish at Saturn Pier!"; "You won't want to miss the amazing deals on beauty products at Lipsaturn!". The single employee, who everyone but George Georgeson knew was a puppet, smiled unnaturally and raised their eyebrows.

"Hhheeellllllooo!"

"Hi Puppet."

"Iii hhhaaavvveee fffeeeeeellliiinnngggsss yyyooouuu kkknnnooowww."

"Sure you do. Get me a Chummy Chai, tee emm? Spicy."

"Sssuuurrreee ttthhhiiinnnggg, Jjjuuudddyyy…"

Judy sat at one of the unoccupied planet themed tables, spying some familiar faces across the room. Parry Oppenheimer was knitting a sweater in the corner with her posse of friends. Their gossipy nature could be heard from all the way across the room, because they simply had no sense of subtlety or grace.

"…Did you hear that someone stole two rods from the Mile High Monkey Bars?"

"No way! How did they accomplish that?"

"Well I heard they found a blowtorch at the scene!"

Gasp!

"A blowtorch?!"

"Yeah! No one knows how anyone got it! They tasted the thing, and thankfully the flames were mild."

"So wait, habanero or jalapeno?"

"Jjjuuudddyyy!"

Batting some tiny wispy blue comets out of the air, and pulling a candy star out of her hair, Judy marched to the counter and tossed out some Pogs. Picking up her drink, she pattered out the door and onto the street once more, and decided what she was going to do with herself. Well first, she thought, she had better just start walking. Nothing gets a brain working like walking around, and whatever she was going to do there was certain to be a lot of walking anyways. She picked a direction and started towards it. Perhaps she would pick up something to do on the way.

Sipping on her Chummy Chai Latte™ and letting its friendly energy enter her veins she began to stand more upright, walk more briskly, and smile more widely. So she had not enough money to get a good meal. She probably didn't have enough to get that prize tennis racket at Portman's Sports, but she might get a kick out of checking it out again. She could window shop, but it gave her no pleasure. She could walk and watch the people pass by, but the Wondrous types around here weren't any new to her. She got enough of weird people at school, and she was avoiding that. Oh, if only she had brought enough money to do anything!

Judy sat on a bench and stared at the sun (you could do that here and not destroy your eyes here). What to do? What to do…

And then her eyes began to follow the clouds.

And then the birds.

And then the buildings, and the skyline, and the…

Oh.

Oh hey, of course!

Judy stood in awe at the magnificence of the great Wonder Tower that stood as the icon of Wonder World!™, much the same way that the Eiffel Tower is the icon of Paris and the Empire State building is the icon of New York. Judy, for her some thirteen years of living in Wonder World!™, had failed to explore their greatest landmark. The hub of Dr. Wondertainment, the heart of all commerce and trade, the fridge magnet and bumper sticker at every single touristy vendor and gift shop. The soul of Wonder World!™ itself. It had always been a bit out of her way — the school was in the exact opposite direction from her house, and none of her frequent shopping spots had her cross its path at all. Wonder Tower. It was a lot taller and… towery-er up close.

The massive purple and yellow double doors beckoned at the top of the flight of precisely 43 steps. There was one step for every major Dr. Wondertainment founder, the top one counting for the legendary Chester Williams and Maria Herring because they could not be properly ranked like the rest. Was Chester more important for founding the company itself, or Maria for making the toys that made it famous in the first place? No one could decide, so their mugs sat right next to each other on the top step, ever smiling those genuine, parental smiles. A sight to behold. It made every step feel important. With the first step, Judy felt her confidence striking up like a match on a matchbox. Time to explore Wonder Tower! She had read the signs, and she had just enough for a tour. She was going to see the inner workings of the greatest company in the multiverse — according to Judy, who was ever thoughtful of her own prejudices and the sources of her opinions.

The doors flung open, and Judy stepped into what was possibly the most pleasantly tempered room she had ever been in. The place scanned like a museum. Exhibits on either side of the main aisle depicted monumental products that Dr. Wondertainment had made, and if one so chose to take the time they could walk up and read the plaques that described their significance to the history of the company. The sight was breathtaking — from the most recent amazing flying contraptions to the wind up toys of the 1900s. Greens and reds and yellows, posed with purple and yellow statues of children and adults alike playing with and loving the toys. The Yum Yum Yogurt Slammer™ to Judy's left marked the creation of the Candy Catalysts, the Little Big-Banger™ to her right was such an achievement by the Builder Bullies that they became the second largest department of Dr. Wondertainment right under the Toy Tinkers, and the Baby Bonder™ that sat right above the receptionist was the first instance of a toy that empathically bonded with the user. The last toy was designed by the mythical, barely real Eric Herring, after whom the Herring Hall of Fame was officially named (quite honestly, everybody in that Herring family was a treasure to the Dr. Wondertainment name, and they were the closest that Wonder World!™ got to royalty).

The receptionist was a very, very beautiful woman with unnaturally circular eyes who was staring rather uncomfortably at Judy.

"And you are…?"

"I'm… Judy? Judy Achilles." She stuck out her proud new development. "I'm thome thort of local, thee?"

"Oh! What are you doing here, Judy?"

"I want a tour!"

"A tour? At this time of day?"

"Yes I do! I have the money for it, here…" Judy spilled her Pogs onto the counter, which the receptionist simply looked at.

"But tours aren't open until tomorrow!"

"Tomorrow? Why not today? I came, didn't I?"

"Oh dear oh dear oh dear, why I'm sure you did, but I'm not sure why. I'll have to call someone about this."

"Oh no, you don't need to go to that trouble! I can leave if—"

"Oh that is quite alright!"

Out of a wide hallway, flanked on both sides by small pink waterways, a gentleman adorned in ruby and gold ribbons, white silken gloves, a tall white hat with a red rose touched upon one side, and his sleeves leaked petals of various flowers. His pupils were slits instead of circles, and his mouth seemed to come up in the middle. And were those… whiskers?

"Oh my George! Is that Cat Emmet?"

"Oh it seems I am~! I heard someone would like a tour! Is that right, Holly?"

The white haired woman took off her blue sunhat and took it to her chest, smiling at Cat in a terse, contained sort of friendly gesture.

"I think that's right, Emmet. But we aren't supposed to have tours this time of day! What to do?"

"Oh I think I know what to do, Holly. A tour guide with nothing to do on a Museday might as well be a tour guide once more, shouldn't they~?" Cat Emmet knelt in front of the exuberant Judy. "And she already paid, didn't she? Oh what a relief, my day would be such a bore without something to do~! So, what do you say, little girl? Do you wish to take a tour?"

"Heheh, well, well I'm not so little, really — but yes! Yes yes yes! I would love to!"

"Well I believe that settles it~! Tour for one, I presume, unless you have brought along any amount of woodland friends with you, hmm?" Judy shook her head. "Well good then~!" Cat turned to Holly, and his Cheshire grin revealed a row of sharp, predatory teeth. "I think we will be off. Tell everyone we will be having a guest~!"

Holly dutifully typed into her desktop computer… and then she printed something, pushing off with her wheeled chair to another side and pulling the paper out… and lastly she slid the paper into a slot behind her desk, which slurped up the article and whirred slightly. She then returned to her seat and simply smiled.

"So… when's the tour start?"

Emmet had his cocked to the side, looking slightly up, and held a finger to Judy to silence her. A second passed. And then another.

Clik

"Now~!"

Judy fell on her butt as the Dr. Wondertainment logo on the ground beneath her shot into the ceiling through an unseen secret door.

"Jimminy Cricket! Why didn't you warn me?"

The cylindrical walls of the hidden shaft created kaleidoscope patterns that made Judy's eyes glaze over with unspeakable otherworldliness. Greens and yellows and diamonds and hexagons and shining shimmering somethings and others.

"Wouldn't be as surprising, no~? A local like yourself can handle it." Cat winked and raised his eyebrows, shouting over the loud machinery that powered this hidden elevator. "Now I wasn't prepared to give a tour today, so excuse any sloppy mistakes, but I'm a natural so it should not be much a problem. And here we are! First stop~!"

The previously unseen doors of the elevator opened onto a balcony that overlooked an impossibly enormous golf course, with obstacles ranging from bumps to balls to spikes to falls to airborne bodies of water and lava and fire and fumes and so many amazingly spectacular ideas that it made Judy's head spin.

"Welcome to the Wonder Tower golf course~! Well, it's a golf course right now, anyways. This room is the Attraction Tester, tee emm. Not too creative of a name, but that's not quite the point. It is functional, but boy does it not sacrifice any form to be so~! Here is where our employees get to personally test attractions we are planning to set up at one of any of our many venues across the multiverse. Or, of course, in Wonder World~! Where our own citizens will be able to experience them. What makes this room so fantastical is that these golf gimmicks are expected to be spread out among all possible future golf installments, so they would be diluted if you experienced them there. But here, of course, you get to have them all at once! The Billiards Birdie! The Par Parrot! The Bogey Baboons! All available for your consumer pleasure here at Wonder Tower — but you'd have to be… an employee… to get… in… oh dear, are you blown away already?"

Judy could not speak.

"Mmm, that won't do. I was supposed to start small and work up. That's always a problem with me. Too big too fast. Tsk tsk tsk. Hmm, let us redirect this. This tour is perfectly salvageable. Alright, little girl, going down~!"

Gently pushing Judy back into the elevator, and getting in himself, Cat simply willed the lift to go downwards. Reversing the wall patterns kept Judy dazed and flabbergasted and slews of other applicable adjectives. Emmet looked at Judy as one looks at a kitten. Maybe a little smug, maybe a little very smug. "And here we are~!"

The doors opened into a much blander sight — a labyrinth of warehouse, where countless toys and products were stored. The dim lighting made the sight glum and unappealing, but the prospects of numerous fidgets and gizmos were a strong incentive to explore and discover.

"This is Wonder Tower storage. Our organizational structure is quite a ruckus, really ought to get patched up at some point, but for the time being it is functional. This is where things go before they get shipped, and if they never get shipped they go to the compactor, which then delivers the toy scraps to the recycler. If you follow me…"

Emmet took Judy by the hand and led her down large hallways flanked by shelves and shelves of candies and models — Jigsaw Balls™ and Gum-Gum Kits™ and Archie's Archaeology Artisans™ — while the lighting became less and less.

"Cat… Cat? Cat!"

"Yes, Judy?"

"I can't see a thing!"

"Oh that's not going to be an issue, let me fix that for you."

Suddenly, there was a bright glow that shot through the darkness, and illuminated the path before them. Turning around, Cat's eyes had begun to beam and burst the black.

"Woah! How do you do that?"

"Cats have great night vision, you know~! Oh, and we have arrived."

Cat turned the doorknob and stepped through into a well lit office. Inside, a portly man dressed in a green-grey jumpsuit was sitting in front of a wall of monitors and eating a flushed pink chicken burger.

"My my, Gerard! That meat is rare~!"

The man practically fell out of his chair, his comically oversized headphones yanking his head so that he nearly broke his neck.

"Ghermi Jhermi, Cat! What have I told you about sneaking up on me you ragged feline!"

"Oh, I was just hoping to show my little tourist here your workspace! You hold such an interesting job down here under Wonder Tower~! What are you working on right now?"

"Emmet, why do you even bring people down here? Is it just to torture me?"

"Oh don't be melodramatic, you're making a terrible first impression on our young, impressionable guest." Judy, suddenly uncomfortable, glanced between a squinting Emmet and a sweating Gerard. Gerard and Judy met eyes for a meaningful second, and then he caved and waved them over. "Thank you, Gerard! You give the janitorial staff a good name."

"We're the Cleaning & Maintenance Department. Or the Mechanical Merrymakers. Not janitorial staff. Don't call us janitorial staff. Anyways, lookie here. Screens. Tons of 'em. Nothing interesting. Why are you here again? I thought we didn't give tours on Musedays."

"Special occurrence, and you know exactly what we're here for! Show the recycling center~!"

"Oh, ho ho, alright then." Gerard wiped a handkerchief on his brow then tossed it aside, pulling his chair into the monitors. A couple clicks of a mouse later, all screens were filled with the image of an enormous gaping canine facade, filled with color-changing flames and spilling noxious purple fumes. Judy flinched and tensed.

"This is our recycling plant~! All the toys that don't get shipped out, or that we don't know what to do with, or any trash from around the Tower, that all gets pushed into carts which get sent down into the mouth of the dog to be melted down and reused. We affectionately call him Hotdog. He's about the one frightening thing in Wonder Tower, unless you count upper management~!" Emmet chuckled to himself. "And don't worry, he's not alive. Wouldn't want something like that to be self aware, now, would we? It looks like that so people don't come close to it. After all, its flames are hot enough to melt steel beams, and furthermore, they are magic flames that rid those touched my its heat of their own Wondrous weirdness. Indeed, how else would we safely put away all our contraptions?"

Judy sat, still scared of the demonic visage on the screen. "I'd still not want to go near that thing."

"Oh of course not, nobody does! But that's what the Handymen have to do, because they are the bravest of all our workers. Yes, there's no room for weaklings in their ranks. Isn't that right, Gerard~?"

The man just looked at Emmet, expression constricted and unchanging. "I'm going to put in an official complaint about you."

"Oh good luck, good luck! And that's all we'll see of the underground. Going up~!"

"Huh? But we're not at the — waaaugh!"

Shooooooooooooooom!

That was when Judy learned that the elevator didn't care where you were, and worked anyways.

"Jacob Marley, Cat! Warn me!"

"I said 'going up', didn't I~? No matter, this trip is short. Here we are!"

The doors opened into a very yellow lobby area, polka dotted with smiley faces of reds and blues and greens and pinks. The cylindrical room's ceiling made the Tower of Wonder Tower come to mind, and the skylight at the top let the artificial tambourine sun give the opening a shine of natural lighting. A pedestal directly in front of Judy bore a basket of tennis balls with a plaque that read:

To throw for dogs and birds alike. You may be liberal. ;)

"Welcome to the headquarters of the Publicity Puppies, the Department of Public & Human Relations, home of yours truly~! The name is, er, unfortunate, but I realize that I am but one and the department is many. Tsk tsk tsk, though. Tsk tsk tsk."

"Birds?"

"Mmm? Oh, yes! Birds! The skylight usually is full of them, but I suppose another reason we don't give tours on Musedays is that this time of week they're all down by the pond by Mainstreet, tee emm."

"So this is where they roost?"

"Somewhere up in the rafters, yes. And I know what you're thinking, but be assured, they are potty trained like the good little birds they are. Speaking of trained…"

Emmet took Judy by the hand and led her down one of the many branching hallways, this one labeled "Cooldown Chambers" with several paw print designs decorating its interior. After a brief trot, the pair came upon a large hole in the ground with stairs leading down and guardrails on the side.

"Welcome to the Rugged Recess or Torment and Torture — or, as others call it, the Puppy Pit, tee emm. It's filled with monsters of all shapes and sizes that some enjoy entertaining themselves with, blissfully unaware of the danger they are in."

Judy peered down into a playground filled with puppies, frolicking or sleeping or yipping at one another. There were tubes and tennis balls and sticks along with other dog related implements.

"Others chose to label this attraction as child friendly, so now is the time where I tell you you may be allowed inside if you so wish, but I do recommend against it. They are filled with evil, you know."

"Are they really?"

"Oh yes, if I weren't so endowed with a heightened sense of self preservation I might have a mind to go down there and show you myself. But alas, there are… cameras in this room. No matter, as long as they are contained to the pit they can not harm us, the dreadful little puffballs that they are."

One pitbull puppy rolled onto its back and showed its belly, wagging its tale and peering up at its onlookers.

"Hideous. Onwards!"

Judy was yanked down another corridor, pulled through more twisting hallways, and arrived at a large orange double door.

"Alright, well, usually the aviary comes before this, because we of the Publicity Puppies do love our pets, but that won't work for reasons previously stated. Through this door are the official offices, places of work and the like, and of course that means all my friends in the business. Are you ready~?"

"Well, I mean, yes, but do I have a choice?"

"No, not really! In we go~!"

The doors were flung open to a wide catwalk above a multitude of cubicles and social meeting spaces which resided roughly three or four meters below. There was a buzz of conversation, many employees holding Dr. Wondertainment brands of tea, coffee or cola as they rushed between workspaces and board rooms and computer labs. The catwalk materialized in front of Emmet and Judy and disappeared behind them. Many faces looked up to the tour, slightly confused but smiling nonetheless.

"Hey Cat!" | "Why is there a tour?" | "Hello Emmet and friend!" | "Welcome to PR!"

Cat looked down to Judy and gave a sly slimy grin. "I'm a big name around here, you know~! But anyways, this is where it all goes down. If you've seen Wondertainment flyers, toy advertisements, product catalogs, or the like, then you have seen the work of the Publicity Puppies, and this is where it all goes down. we have one humongous working space with no doors and no roofs because open air and a less claustrophobic environment is the best for our worker bees! Graphic design, billboard buying, all of that is done right here. We also handle the human relations within the Tower, so this is also the center of Dr. Wondertainment worker morale~!"

Emmet leaned down and looked Judy in the eyes, excitement spreading across his body and filling every crevice of his being.

"Even Holly is a Publicity Puppy, even though she spends most of her time down at the front desk. Really, us Puppies are the face of Wonertainment — if you've gone to Wondertainment seminars, or stand up comics, that's us! If you've gone to shows, or toy presentations, also us! The Tinkers and the Bullies and the Catalysts — well maybe not the Catalysts — get all the attention and glory for their creations, but Wondertainment wouldn't have its spirit, its soul, without this here Public & Human Relations Department. We're sort of the unsung heroes of Dr. Wondertainment, if you so choose to think of it that way~!"

Shooting upwards, he shook like a giddy little schoolgirl.

"So where would you like to go? Catwalk Emmet can take us any direction you so choose without disturbing the workers below — over that a way is customer service, and if we go east we can see the therapy offices. Oh, but I know exactly what you would like, little girl~! I know, you wish to go that way, and see the Little Misters recording studio, don't you~? They're all the rage these days!… What's the matter?"

"Ah, oh, I don't want to be a bother —"

"Oh you wouldn't be a bother, you're the only tourist here with me today. I am here to tend to your every want and need, and you look downright uncomfortable. Is there an issue? Anything I could help you with?"

"Oh, it's… it's just… well, I can just see everybody looking up at us, and I'm not such a huge fan of wide open spaces, and I feel all in the spotlight, and I'd just like to be somewhere a bit quieter."

"Mmm… quieter? I'm not sure we have quieter… but we do have tight enclosed spaces. Not big and open at all. And there will be sweet smells and far fewer people. Does that sound like your money's worth?"

Judy nodded. "And please make the elevator slower this time."

"Of course. Going up!"

The catwalk dissipated and dropped them onto the sudden arrival of a large Dr. Wondertainment logo like from before, but this time only gently pushing upwards. The kaleidoscope walls seemed to fade into existence around them instead of waiting for the ceiling to be reached.

"This is probably best anyways. The Little Misters are on tour right now, so it's likely that only Stripes would be there, and he's often a little sour. Gloomier than Gerard, even. You'd think that they would make sure that type of character trait wouldn't happen when they made them in the first place, but oh well. I suppose he has good reason to be that way. Manager must be stressful for a band so huge — and with so many members~! Ah, but the kids love them so, so much. Here we are~!"

The doors slid slowly open into a tight pink metal area that emanated heat like the sun in the dead of summer.

"Whewie~! What a hot opening! Do not worry though, Hotdog's still miles underground. Welcome to the Sweets & Consumables Department, the Candy Catalysts! Their lobby isn't much to look at — and I will admit, nor is the rest of their area. But what they lack in presentability they make up for in accountability. Every Dr. Wondertainment candy bar or lollipop or chocolate bunny or, seeing as their popularity is rising I feel I should mention them, tea, that's all from here."

The lift disappeared, leaving Judy and Emmet in the middle of a rounded metal square, with "CANDY CATALYSTS" spray painted in grey across the low ceiling.

"Excuse the dull, they aren't used to guests. But follow me and —"

"Ohh! A guest!!"

A plump red woman emerged from the one door leading out from the lobby area. Her eyes floated above her head on stocks that came out of where her eyes should have been, her mouth had no lips, and her nose was nowhere to be found, nostrils included.

"Oh, Ms. Slug, what a lovely surprise~!"

"We have a guest!!"

"Yes, yes we do."

"I'm hardly ready!!"

"I told Holly to send out the memo…"

"Oh she did, but nobody comes here anyways! A guest!! I'm going to go notify everyone, wait right here, don't move!"

Ms. Slug waddled down the corridor, leaving Emmet and Judy alone in the bland pink-grey room.

"Well, it looks like this tour has left my hands. We may as well take a seat."

As Cat spoke, a bench protruded from the east wall, and both made it over to sit down. An electric whir of an air conditioner came on. Far off clanks like a zipper in a washing machine echoed from the corridor. Sometimes, the hot smell of brownies would waft through and please the noses of Judy and Emmet. Sometimes it was just stale air. After a minute or two, nervous foot tapping and knuckle rapping began to set in.

"No wonder they don't get guests, hoo ho—"

"Are you ready for the best tour of your miserable little lives?"

"…Excuse me?"

"I said ARE YOU READY?"

Judy yelled over the loudspeaker's crackles, "Yes we are!"

"G O O D .

Please keep your arms, legs, and hands inside the ride at all time. Do not release the safety clamp until instructed to do so. If you must vomit, please do so on one another — the machinery is sensitive. Safe trip!"

Emmet looked completely absent. "Wh… what ride?"

CL A NK

Judy gawked at the large bars of metal that had come over her and Cat's laps. "That one."

The corridor closed, the floor fell open, and the bench fell onto what looked like roller coaster tracks, which began to lead the screaming pair of Emmet and Judy down a candy colored tunnel at breakneck speed.

"You have now begun your tour of the Sweets & Consumables Department! We hope you enjoy your stay. Excuse any bumps and glitches on the ride, we didn't expect tourists today. In fact, this ride is still in development… heh."

"Wait, we're on an unfinished coaster?"

"I mean… yes."

"Cat, we're going to die."

"Coming up on your left, you will see the chocolateria!"

The tunnel opened up, the bench screeched to a slower pace, and a positively unnerving but curiously curvaceous array of pistons and vats and gazing workers sprawled into view. Shiny golden and silver pumping metal protrusions pushed into large pools of hot chocolate liquid, as men and women in peppermint jumpsuits (or were they more akin to hazmat coverings?) gazed on and monitored the machines. A couple, noticing Cat and Judy, took off protective masks to wave and smile widely at the two.

"Oh Jimminy, Judy, I wouldn't recommend looking down."

Ignoring Emmet's advice, Judy ogled at the seemingly endless shafts of glass tubes filled with all shades of sweet sugary browns, the conveyors and presses and catwalks in all directions, and the lack of any one solid floor for what felt like miles. The scene transformed into a sensory overload of brown, silver, gold, pink, grey, black, and all hints of every other color. The air was so sickly sweet with the tinglings of sugar that it made Judy's teeth hurt, but her childish inclinations made her salivate all the same.

"Here you might notice we make chocolate! All our happy little worker bees — of which I am one, but not right now because I'm manning the ride — navigate this labyrinthine abomination of metal and magic to bring you the sweetest, richest, most tickling flavors of chocolate this side of the multiverse! You may notice the masks, which are there to make sure that employees don't get contact sugar-high, which might lend them to stumbling and losing their balance, which would be especially bad at these vertigo-inducing heights. Don't worry, you won't be in here long enough to get that, and even if you were you're strapped into a ride. It can be positively dizzying, though. That's the power of candy for you!

"To your left at this very moment is one of our chocolate vats, which is where pipes, whose contents are manned in the Control Room above all this, dump their individual mixtures into these swimming pool sized pots to get even more mixed and create delightful new chocolate colors! You are currently watching a batch of Chocolate Blush Brightener, tee emm, characterized by its streaks of deep violet, tangy aftertaste, and ability to make any outing more romantic! Valentine's Day is coming up, and with that this type of stuff is projected to be in high demand! We're actually going to be shipping out our first major load tomorrow night! I would offer you two some, but uh… you're not… lovebirds material. Say hi to the workers!"

Waving on both sides intensified.

"Hold on tight!"

The bench pressed forward through spiraling rails to come upon a large washing machine looking contraption, which began to fill with large chunks of what looks like sparkling granular rocks.

"Transitioning from the Chocolateria to the Hard Candy Creator, we have a standalone attraction, the Pixie Dust maker! This baby can grind up more than thirty tons of Wonder World! Tee emm's favorite recess snack. Surprisingly hasn't caught on as a major export, we still make it to satisfy the superior taste buds of the inhabitants here, who gobble up only barely less than we make every day! And now, it will do its job."

The large rock filled orifice began to shake violently, and then, with great noise, prods and spikes and rough metal pads began to push in from all sides until the Pixie Dust™ spilled out from the center and coated the walls in sticky powdery goodness, which was then forced by a strong fan and automated brushes into a funnel.

"Now, I really can offer you this stuff."

The bench transposed downward just slightly to position Judy and Emmet in front of a small Pixie Dust fountain. Grabbing disposable cups that stuck out on the sides of the small cube shaped dispenser, they both enjoyed "sipping" on the sweet, fruity flavored mixture.

"Mmm, is this a new flavor?"

"Why yes, it is! Strawberry."

"…Strawberry?"

"Yeah, we uh… we realized we had mixed all sorts of things with strawberries, but we hadn't done straight strawberries yet."

"This is what strawberries taste like?"

"Still processed, but yes! Weird, right? Uh, anyways, onwards!"

Judy and Cat screamed as the bench twisted them upside down at record speeds, making their insides feel like twisting and their skin feel like tearing, towards the Hard Candy Creator. The two entered another brightly colored tunnel, which soon consumed them in darkness, before turning the corner and entering a grid-like arrangement of conveyors which carried small lumps of every color that were shaped by various machines and joints and workers. The floor buzzed with conversation, steamy squeaks from the pipes, electric whirring, and the clanks of the robotic movement of some of the employees.

"This is where we make, you guessed it, hard fruity candy! The coloring comes from those… pipes on your… right? And they go through… well… Alright, fellas, I don't have anything prepared for over here, and I don't work down here. I can't be your tour guide, so, just, take it in! It's pretty, it's loud, it's got candy all over it, what's there not to like?"

…

"What a nice view!"

The bench crept forward, squeaking and rocking a little more than before, taking the pair slowly but surely to a large hole in the wall to their left.

"I'm so sorry, this is right about where the ride ends. As we said, this ride is in progress, so we can't take you to the candy canes, the storage, where all the colors get decided, offices… but we've got the ending!" The bench strolled through the rickety dark tunnel, and began to lighten with a soft golden glow. "Welcome… to the Sweet Tooth!"

The electric crackling of the speakers slowly subsided as the bench opened into a glittering tooth-shaped room with an enormous bowl of candy in the middle of a large circular table. At each golden stool there was a smaller glass bowl, and sitting on the table was a purple skinned, small eyed man with the largest mouth to head ratio Judy had ever seen, holding a microphone whose wire ran straight up to the ceiling. Several women with bright poppy and dandelion dresses wildly gesturing jazz hands flanked the man on either side, acting in stead of a bright spotlight.

"Well hello there, riders! Thanks for participating, sorry that we're cutting it short! This has all been only very recent divisions. Er, editions. Additions! Sorry, I was never meant to be a tour guide, that's your job, Mr. Cat. I'm a lot better over the intercoms. In person eeks me out." The man tugged the microphone down until a click could be heard, and then released it to rocket into the ceiling and out of sight. "But I'll try and roll with it. Ain't ever been too social."

"You're beautiful!"

A smile that very nearly literally crossed from ear to ear crossed the man's face. "Why thank you, young girl! My name's Chuck Chatter, but people call me Chomps. Yours?"

"I'm Judy, Judy Achilles, but I'm not Wondrous yet. People still just call me Judy."

"Well don't you worry your silly little head about it, everyone gets there eventually."

"Oh! I am getting a rather large tongue! Look!" Judy licked her cheeks and chin, making Chomps chuckle.

"Why you're coming along fine! Looks like you've got the perfect disposition for candy consumption! Speaking of, at the risk of repeating myself, welcome to the Sweet Tooth! This is our quality assurance chamber, where our employees meet every time it's necessary to taste test our newest sugary concoctions! As a gift from the Candy Catalysts to our first Sweets & Consumables Department tourists, I invite you to a candy dinner with the myself. Care to sit down? You ladies can go."

The jazz hands ceased and the ladies dispersed, leaving Chomps, the tourist, and Emmet alone. Chomps slid off of the wide shiny white table and motioned to the two nearest stools as the glass bowls inexplicably filled with candy. Judy rushed to the stool as soon as Chomps motioned but Cat, still taken aback from his job being so skillfully stolen from him, stood a further couple stunned seconds before finally lurching forward and sitting stiffly upright at the table.

"I'll admit, we ain't got anything new, this is just what you can pick up at your block's Wibbly Jibblies. Still, we'd like to treat you! Er, treat yourself! How'd you like it?"

Judy had already stuffed her face and couldn't quite make out words, but she made noises that vaguely sounded like "it was great!"

"Oh was it? It's all new, we just can't figure […]

Chapter 3i: Side Effects May Include
[Brainy Brian wakes up in the infirmary. He apparently fainted, and is getting patched up by Dr. Tinkles. They start a conversation, and it starts friendly and they get to like each other. Somehow it becomes quite clear that Brainy Brian isn't right in the head, and Tinkles gets a little panicked. He digs up some old Emergency Clown Impulse Suppressant (useful to suppress extremely radical behaviors, a short term remedy for schizophrenia) and gets it to Brainy. It seems to work, but Brainy starts getting a little weird (thus begins the ongoing gag of the many side effects of a human taking Emergency Clown Impulse Suppressant).]

Chapter 4i: Pepper's Lament
[Brainy is still trying to come up with his first ride idea, but in the meantime he is working as their janitor. He's cleaning stuff in the the Hall of Humans Extraordinaire, and is rubbing thumbprints off of Pepper's Mirror, and she appears. They start talking, and become chummy with each other — both being pretty nothing members of the Circus. It comes out that Pepper doesn't feel at home, Brainy freaks out. "You don't have a home? You just sit here the whole time?" "Yeah, pretty much they just put things near me and I guard them by scaring wandering circus goers off. Why?" "I CAN BUILD YOU A HOME!" And thus he comes up with the idea of making a haunted house, with Pepper as the main attraction.]

Chapter 5i: Souls & Somas
[The part where Brainy shows this idea to the guys is lost, but Brainy leads the haunted house tour and it shows the whole ride (or at least a good portion of it). Pepper is a little ticked that she is leaning into the ghost cliches… but she's more ticked that she absolutely loves scaring people and playing into it. Brainy and her have another talk as Brainy is cleaning up after all the patrons and resetting the haunted house. He's a little sad, she asks why, and he says that he can't hug her at all, and she thinks that's sweet that he's thinking about that but she's a bit sad too. She'd like not to be bound to a mirror anymore. Catching her by surprise, he tells her he can fix that. He'd make her a body.]

[Pepper has a body now, and Icky and Manny are a bit… concerned. How will she do the Haunted House now? That was a hit, who's the ghost in it now? And she's not a Freak anymore — she is 100% normal. No anomalous knowledge, even. Nothing. Useless. She doesn't have a place here anymore. Them saying stuff like this angers Brainy, like, a lot.]

Notes from DrChandra: Concerned, yes, but they would never flat out reject Pepper or call her useless. The Circus is Family, and Family stays together. I'll probably be a beta reader on every tale, but make sure I read this one especially since I don't want them to come off as the bad guys.

Chapter 6i: Deceptive Cadence
[Brainy goes into another… bad… stride. It ends with Icky basically intending to kill him, beating him up because it comes out how shitty a person he is, and he seems to be losing pretty badly for a bit before he starts implementing "toys". He doesn't win, but he pushes back enough to escape into a Wonder World Way. Icky adds him to the list of Enemies of the Circus.]

NOTES FROM CHANDRA: I'd like Icky to start with choking him out, and as he's suffocating he has an inner monologue along the lines of "While I guess this is it (yadda yadda yadda). Wait a minute. This can't be it. I can't be dying. Dying would mean I failed, and Brainy doesn't fail!" as a callback to Life's a Show. Then he whips out the toys and we have a real fight. I'll start the list in it's own tab, feel free to add to it.

Chapter 7i: Everything Will Be Okay
[Polly wants to apologize to 3T, they meet at Percy Pinwheel's place. The tale ends when there's another call to the room, and it's Brainy.]

Chapter 8i: Holding an Umbrella but the Sun's Still Shining
[Brainy tries to get 3T to give him asylum, but 3T doesn't bite. He fears he is being chased, and gets frightened when he hears someone coming up, but it turns out to be Pepper. Pepper and Brainy share a moment, and then they get scared again but it turns out to be Iris Dark. They're still afraid, but she offers Brainy a job…]

Finale: Vend-a-Friend (MC&D Product)
[Made by DrChandra. Should be fun~!]

Important Conversation:
DrChandra So Pepper gets a body, Icky/Manny pretend to be okay with it because they would be assholes if they weren't, but they're mad at Brainy for costing them an act.
00:44 DarkiOStuff Yes
00:44 DarkiOStuff That sounds right
00:45 DrChandra Pepper sides with Brainy, accusing Icky/Manny of not actually caring about her, and Brainy does.
00:45 DarkiOStuff And going behind their backs with it
00:45 DarkiOStuff Because she never got any real job or application
00:45 DrChandra They bought her
00:45 DarkiOStuff She sat around and did nothing all day and Brainy pushed to make her something
00:45 DarkiOStuff That too
00:46 DrChandra So she's really grateful to have a body and grateful to Brainy, and upset with Icky/Manny for being against it because she says they don't actually care about her.
00:46 DrChandra This is how she feels, not necessarily what's true.
00:47 DrChandra Who spills the beans on the murders?
00:47 DarkiOStuff Mhm, right. She has a great predisposition to like Brainy and not love Icky & Manny
00:47 DarkiOStuff I did want Lolly to be friendly with her though
00:48 DrChandra Brainy's her saviour, and Icky and Manny are her owners (in her mind), and yes Lolly's nice to everyone.
00:48 * Maxson quit (Ping timeout: 182 seconds)
00:48 DarkiOStuff Anyways, yeah see… I’m not sure. Probably Dr. Tinkles. He doesn’t /know/ what Brainy did, but once again he had a disposition to like Brainy. In fact, really, everyone ends up liking him before it goes to shit
00:48 DarkiOStuff He’s charming in his own way
00:48 DrChandra No matter what happens, Brainy's her saviour, which is why she sticks with him. When he tells her it wasn't really his fault because he was off his meds, she believes him.
00:48 DarkiOStuff Yes
00:49 * ghostchibi joined #thecritters
00:49 DrChandra Okay, I'll copy this and paste it in the sandbox, unless you have more to add.
00:49 DarkiOStuff “I’m not that person, I swear! I swear it! Make me take these and and and and I’ll never do it again! It’s not me!”
00:49 DarkiOStuff I do not
00:49 DarkiOStuff I like all of this
00:50 DarkiOStuff I think this was what we reasoned before but I just forgot it all
[[/collapsible]]

Name TBD (Working Title: Road Trip) (How About 'Get The Show On The Road' ?)

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In a quiet corner just outside the universe, bookshelves stretched to the heavens. Line upon line of them continued onward as far as the eye could see, and even further beyond that. From nowhere in particular, a soft light beamed down, just warm enough to be comfortable. At the same time, a gentle breeze rustled through pages, creating a soft whisper, reminding patrons that they were in a sacred place. Tread lightly, it said, for this is the Wanderer's Library.

A pleasant smell wafted through, carried by the wind. It came from a hollowed-out space in a particularly large bookshelf, which had been fashioned into a quaint little café. While patrons buzzed around it like flies, it retained the same quiet, dignified feel as the rest of the Librar-

"This place is freakin' awesome!" Rang out a high pitched voice, followed by what can only be described as a 'squee'. The hyperactive young Clown spun around, taking in the scene with a smile on her face.

"Since when did the Library get an H.P Brewcraft? Can I get a Frapaccthulhu? Extra whipped cream, extra drizzle, extra existential horror? I can handle it, I'm a Clown," Lolly ordered as she juggled three books excitedly, before all three were calmly pulled out of the air by her companion.

"I think you've had enough sugar though," Icky smirked as she pointed at a small group of dark-robed figures sitting around a table, who were watching the pair with an intense gaze. "Remember darling, we're still on thin ice with the Library because of You-Know-Who. We need to be a bit more respectful."

Lolly noticed the mouthless docents (who enjoyed the coffee shop purely for the aroma), and stopped giggling. She put her hands behind her back and whistled, as if she hadn't been doing anything at all. The two turned back towards the counter, hoping the docents would be gone by the time they had finished their drinks.

"They give me the creeps. Or should I say…" Lolly pointed to a display case by the counter, which contained various baked goods. "The crepes!"

Icky tried to keep a straight face, but couldn't help but snicker.

Across the counter, an unamused barista tapped the cash register with a tentacle impatiently. "So it that a yay or nay on the Frapaccthulhu?" Lolly looked up at Icky with pleading eyes.

"Please? I'm already on a sugar rush, and if I don't get more I'm going to crash," she asked.

"Alright, one Frapaccthulhu with everything she said before, and an Yog-Espressoth, both large." Icky relented.

The barista punched the order in, and uttered unknowable noises at a server, who began to pour dark liquids into non-euclidean cups, all of which proudly displayed their Fairtrade certification.

The interior of the café was comfortingly normal, with just enough light to create a soothing atmosphere. The scents of freshly baked goods and hot coffee mixed together with bizarre and alien smells, bringing in patrons of the Library from all over the multiverse. One patron in particular, a human, cleared his throat and motioned for the pair to come over to his booth.

Lolly slid into the booth quickly, as Icky calmly took a seat next to her. The man across from them had dark hair, scruffy stubble, and an eyepatch over his left eye. He regarded the two coldly, before lifting a steaming mug of coffee to take a drink. As he did, he turned his hand, making sure to display a tattoo of a certain symbol.

"I was under the impression that we would be meeting the Captain herself," Icky said, trying to hide her disappointment.

The man spoke in a gruff voice. "She couldn't make it. Something about wrangling a kaiju for some zoo. The usual."

"That's the usual? What's exciting for you? I want to wrangle a kaiju!" Lolly said. "Also, who is this guy? He's not as cute as the Captain."

The man templed his fingers, responding curtly. "Munin, of the Nautilus. Second mate to Captain Nemo."

Lolly leaned forward, scrutinizing Munin, who didn't even blink his eye. "I'm pretty sure all those names are from a book. I don't think any of those names were real. Then again, my name's not real either so I probably shouldn't be so judgey. What is your real name anyway? Is it Jeffrey? You look like a Jeffrey. It's probably Jeffery." She sat back, and whispered to Icky, "Is his real name Jeffery?"

Icky shrugged. "That's hardly any of our concern darling. Munin— or Jeffrey or whatever— is here to inform us about the locale of our next show."

Across the table, Munin nodded. He reached into his jacket, pulled out a small brochure, and slid it across the table. "I'm still not sure why you want to perform there, of all places. You've got a whole Earth to entertain, don't you?"

"More than one, actually."

Their drinks arrived, each bearing an image of the Dread Cthulhu in the style of the Starbucks Mermaid, subtitled by the Lovecraft Quote "I like coffee exceedingly". Icky picked up the brochure with one hand as she sipped her Yog-Espressoth in the other.

"But we can't keep calling ourselves the Greatest Show in all the Worlds without pushing ourselves to new heights, now can we?"

The pictures in the brochure showed a completely alien landscape. A mess of colors and shapes, all of them bizarre and disquieting. Vague figures, like fetal animals floating in rose-colored bubbles, strange devices with wicked curves and bright colors. Icky absentmindedly ran a fingernail over the image, revealing it to be scratch-n'-sniff. Cute.

"The Nautilus can get us there safely? I know the docents wouldn't be thrilled to see our entire Circus parading through the Library. Even Lolly's too much for them to handle on occasion."

Lolly looked up from her cup, and licked off a whipped cream mustache, "Yeah, sitting quietly isn't really my thing, which can be a problem at libraries. And Doctor's offices. And funerals. And…"

"He gets the idea, sweetie."

"I assure you, the Nautilus can go places even your Kaleidoscope can't. No world, realm, or plane is beyond our reach." Munin scratched his eyepatch, briefly revealing a green light beneath it.

Lolly downed the remainder of her drink quickly. "Does this mean we're going on a road trip?"

"It will be less of a road trip than it will be a…" Munin paused as Lolly looked at him with puppy-dog eyes, and Icky raised her eyebrows expectantly. "…Yes, it's a road trip."

"Yes!" Lolly bounced in place with excitement.

Munin's expression remained as serious as it had been upon first meeting the two. "For my own curiosity's sake; how do you plan to be a Circus of the Disquieting when you're performing for people in a completely alien world?"

Icky hesitated for a moment, thinking. "I'm still working on that. But I do have an idea. Have you ever seen The Little Mermaid?"

Lolly's eyes lit up. "Oh, I have! I loved it when I was a kid, partially for the music and partially because all those half-naked mermaids made me feel funny for reasons I didn't understand yet,"

Icky shot her a perplexed glance, while Munin barely raised an eyebrow.

"Well I understand now, obviously."

The bow of the Nautilus sped through a technicolor void at a breakneck pace, propelled by jets of emerald green light expelled from the backside of the hull. Below it was a swirling ocean of lights and images of other times, places, and creatures.

"Wha'd'ya think of that view Lollipop?" Rang out the voice of the Captain as she leaped down from the upper deck. Captain Nemo was a young woman with a proud stance. Over both of her eyes, she wore a strange band with various symbols woven into the fabric. On her head was a blood-red tricorne, signifying her status. "I'd challenge you to find a view so breathtaking as the eldritch plane before you."

"Eh, it's alright I guess." Lolly said, as she leaned over the railing on the port bow. She glanced disinterestedly at a technicolor leviathan, which breached a few meters from the ship, before turning back to the Captain. "I was expecting the Not to be a little more 'Mountains of Madness', you know? Iris said she was weeping blood and seeing through time after only eight minutes in here."

Icky appeared from below deck, dusting off her hands. "Everything's secured, for now at least. Manny's making sure that Eugene's taken his seasickness pills, and Bubblegum has already self-medicated herself into a stupor."

Nemo gave the pair what would have been a side-eye, if she hadn't been wearing a blindfold. "You two are sure you want to stay up here when we dive below the Not's surface? I appreciate your courage, but it doesn't agree with most of you…"

"'Landlubbers'?" Icky suggested. The Captain shook her head, a sly smile on her face.

"You'll survive. But it's one hell of a sight to see." The Captain's look hardened. She barked a few orders to her crew, who were making the final preparations by tying down any loose equipment. "I haven't made a jump this far since Blackwood and I were smuggling supplies to the refugees of Kul-Manas. Last chance to back out, you two."

Lolly sighed dramatically. "The anticipation is driving me crazy! Let's do it!"

Icky turned to the captain with an excited grin on her face. "You heard the little lady."

Nemo nodded, and motioned to Munin, who was battening a hatch. Quickly, he shifted his eyepatch to the opposing eye, revealing an eerie green glow radiating from a freshly exposed orb. He called up to the other crew members, who all quickly did the same. Finally, Nemo lifted her own blindfold, revealing two emerald orbs of her own. The air suddenly grew tense, as if lightning were about to strike.

The scene blurred around the Nautilus, as it dove and began to pick up speed. Lights and images seemed to blur together as they continued onward. Nemo held her hands in front of her, taking hold of an unseen steering wheel with an iron grip.

Lolly tried to speak, but she found herself nearly paralyzed by the sheer speed they were moving at. She gripped Icky's arm tightly, as the later gave her a comforting look. The Captain's arms moved to and fro, making split-second decisions to adjust the trajectory of the ship, or avoid monoliths which protruded from the sea. Still, they were accelerating. Light itself seemed to be dissolving and bleeding around them—

As suddenly as it begun, it ended. The Nautilus slowed to its previous pace, and Icky and Lolly found themselves releasing a deep breath they didn't realize they had been holding. Lolly slowly turned towards Icky, her hair still frozen behind her. Silently, she mouthed 'Wow', before collapsing backwards, giggling.

Icky too was left in awe. She turned to the Captain, who had begun to pull her blindfold back down. Nemo merely smirked, and walked up to the prow of the ship. "You're still conscious. I'm impressed. We'll reach your destination shortly. As for the matter of payment…"

Icky nodded. "I have a plan in mind. According to your pamphlets, carbon is pretty rare in this world, so it's used as a currency."

"And where we come from, it isn't. What's your point?"

"They also view arranging the atoms of it into crystal latices as one of the highest forms of art, which increases it in value even more."

Nemo's eyebrows arched. "Diamonds. Clever."

The Nautilus neared a large whirlpool, and slowed to a stop. Icky staggered forward, clutching the railing for support. She could already see the reflection of the world they were preparing to descend into. Her eyes gleamed with a mischeivous determination.

"Ladies, gentlemen, and assorted Eldritch beings of all genders and the lack thereof, give it up one more time for Charlotte and her arachnid assistants!" Icky paused, as the audience chittered excitedly.

"And now, for our final act of the evening…"

The crowd of alien beings leaned forward in their seats. The Big Top was packed to the brim with attendees. Each one appeared to be a fetal animal, floating in a bubble of deep pink liquid that stayed suspended just a few centimeters from the ground. One or two reached a long, spindly limb out to grab a stick of cotton candy, which rapidly dissolved into the liquid.

Icky signaled to Lolly, who gave her an excited thumbs up in return from offstage, indicating that everything was prepared. "As you know, we have come to you from a far away dimension. So, we have no shortage of wonders to share with you. You've seen our freaks, but now we're going to show you…"

Lolly wheeled out a small cart, covered by a deep purple tablecloth, and stopped just in front of Icky. There was an unsettling squelching noise- like balloons being rubbed together- as the aliens pressed in once more to get a better look.

"… Something truly disquieting!" Icky whipped the cloth off of the cart, revealing a small white box, with a black tail protruding from the backside, ending in three golden points. The crowd broke out in whispers. Uncertainty, doubt, confusion.

After a moment, a smaller alien floated upwards in its seat, and called out in a shrill voice. Icky wasn't sure exactly what it was saying— the device they had been loaned by Marshall, Carter, and Dark only allowed for one-way universal translations— but the curious tone in its voice was universal enough that she understood all the same.

Icky smirked, and took off her hat. From it, she produced a cup, which was full of small orange objects. Each of them tapered to a point on one side, like an egg, which was lighter than the rest of it. Icky applied pressure to one part of the box, causing the front of it to swing open with a loud noise. She placed the cup inside, and pressed another part of the box with her finger.

There was a gasp from the crowd as the box began to emit a low hum, and the front of it lit up with an eerie yellow glow. Before long, there was a series of loud popping noises, as the orange objects began to jump wildly inside, as if they were in pain. After a minute or two, Icky opened the box again, and tiny white things began to fall out.

Icky beckoned to the smaller alien who had spoken out earlier, and Lolly walked into the stands to escort her down to the center of the Big Top, quietly assuring the young alien that everything would be alright. "Alright everyone, give it up for our brave volunteer! She's about to be the first to try this snack from our dimension, eaten across the world!"

Lolly took out a small paper bag, and scooped some of the snack into it, before drizzling it with an orange liquid, and covering it with a light dusting of some strange smelling powder. With a broad smile on her face, she held the bag up to the small creature before her.

Timidly, the alien stuck a limb out of its bubble, and grabbed a tiny fistful of the white material, which was surprisingly brittle and flaky to the touch. It retracted the arm into its bubble, where the food began to quickly dissolve. The alien hummed excitedly, and did a somersault within its bubble!

As the audience looked on in excitement, Lolly popped open the door of the box again, and jumped all the way inside. The popping noise from earlier increased in volume until it was nearly deafening, and the cart fell over, leaving the white box on its back.

With a sound like an explosion, Lolly shot out like a canonball, sending more of the snack flying in every direction, showering down on the audience like snow!

A chorus of coos and shrill excited shrieks echoed through the Big Top once again as Lolly gently floated downwards, clutching a parasol, back to the center with Icky. As the audience applauded, she let go of the parasol and backflipped onto the ground.

"And we've got more where that came from!" Lolly said, giving Icky a wink.

"A round of applause for my lovely and beloved assistance, if you would be so kind folks," Icky requested. Instead of clapping their hands, the creatures produced a rapid stream of popping air bubbles in the outer membranes to signal approbation. "Lolly my love, seeing our crowd osmosising our earthly fare makes me think that they might be interested in seeing how you and I eat."

The crowd cheered their agreement.

"I know I always like it when our oral activities have an audience," Lolly added with a naughty smile and a pause for laughter, which was only filled with confused silence.

"Lolly, we talked about this, these creatures aren't going to get any sexual references," Icky whispered to her. Lolly nodded and went to fetch the prop for the act.

"You see folks, most creatures where I'm from can't just absorb food through their outer membranes. They have to open their maws and force sustenance down their gullets!"

This fact was met with a collective gasp of shock from the audience.

"Horrifying, I know, and we've got an exclusive demonstration set up just for you!"

The lights dimmed and the spotlight fell on Lolly, who was now holding a long, green… thing, which wrapped around her forearm like a bracelet. After holding it up for everyone to see, she placed the green object on the ground. Icky took out her hat and pulled out a large, white rabbit. It wiggled its nose in an endearing way, eliciting a few 'awws' from the audience.

Icky crouched, allowing it to hop to the ground, where it inched towards the green thing. The mammal sniffed around it, not seeming to take much interest. Still, something felt wrong about the situation. The ground slowly began to rise, ensuring that all of the audience members would be able to see. The air was tense, as if something were holding its breath, waiting for a moment to strike…

The audience began to whisper, confused by the lack of any apparent action. One or two of the aliens began to float upwards to get a—

Moving almost too quickly to see, the green object jumped to life, ensnaring the rabbit's head in its mouth. For an instant the horrified audience thought it was going to bite the animal's head off, but instead it unhinged its own jaw in a display of pure body horror. Its head seamed to split in two, each half independently wriggling down the rabbit's body, its throat ballooning to grotesque proportions as it swallowed its victim whole.

When the ordeal was finally over the green thing's jaws closed, sealing shut as if they had never been opened at all. The green creature was once again still as a statue, the only evidence of its crime being a massive bulge working its way down its digestive track.

The audience gazed in horror as the lump worked its way down the corkscrew length of its devourer. After a moment of this, the rabbit squirmed out of the creature's alimentary canal - disheveled but alive. In a shimmer of light, the rabbit transformed into a Clown.

"And the moral, boys and girls, is to always read your performance contracts carefully before you sign them," The Clown huffed in annoyance, marching out of the ring after being handed a towel.

"Thank you, Eugene," Icky called to him as he pushed his way through the audience, the aliens rushing to get out of his way. Lolly couldn't help but giggle as they bumped into each other, sending the smaller ones flying like inflated beach balls.

Icky picked up the green creature, where it coiled up on her hand. "Give it up for the marvelousssss, ssssspectuacular… Sssssssserpent!"

The snake turned and seemed to give her a dirty look for a second. One of its eyes flashed an emerald color, before it disappeared as a cloud of green smoke, to another round of cheers.

Icky and Lolly held hands, bowing deeply and springing back up. Icky tipped her hat, and turned as if to leave. "Alright, everyone, you've been a fantastic audience! But alas, all good— and disquieting— things must come to an end! It's time for us to bring this show to a close!"

There was a chorus of sad wails, and pulsing, sloshing noises as the aliens shook in their odd bubbles. Lolly played along, turning to Icky and giving her a tearful puppy-dog look.

"Aw, but Icky, don't we have time for just one other thing?"

Icky raised her hand, bringing instant silence. "Alright, I give in. I suppose we still have time for one more trick!"

On cue, a giant cylinder fell from above into the center of the Big Top, hiding Icky and Lolly from view. As it landed, there was a moment of confusion, as all the audience members could see were odd, distorted images of themselves. One or two aliens floated over to it, inspecting the odd monolith, which reflected their every move.

There was a sudden series of gasps as a new figure came into view, prowling around the perimeter of the monolith, twice as tall as any of the aliens. It was darkly colored, covered in strange orifices and glowing eyespots. It poked its head around the ground, as if taking in its surroundings for a moment, before suddenly turning and leaping into the stands!

Panic erupted as a dark, tripodal figure was seen running through the image, and escalated as two more appeared alongside it, sending aliens flying out of the Big Top in a panic as they felt something brush against their bubbles. The first dark creature roared triumphantly, before leaping into the monolith, shattering it into a thousand pieces.

Within a few moments, the aliens had almost all fled, leaving nothing in the Big Top, save for a few small, orange cats, purring contentedly in the center.

About a kilometer away from where the Circus had been mere moments ago, close to a river of dark purple liquid, Icky, Lolly, and a few crew members from the Nautilus and stagehands from the Circus were loading the last shipment of equipment back onto a small boat that would make its way back to the main ship. At the back of the boat, in the Captain's Chair, Nemo eagerly dug through a satchel filled with diamonds of every shape and size, a delighted expression on her face.

Lolly sat on top of a box as it was loaded up, giggling and shaking a small snowglobe styled after the alien race they had performed for. Quietly, she whispered to herself, "Best. Road Trip. Ever."

A small snake slithered up to the scene, before glowing a bright green color, and contorting in size and shape. In a matter of seconds, Munin stood where the snake had been. He glared at Icky silently, before spitting a tuft of rabbit hair out of his mouth.

Icky chuckled and slapped him on the back. "Thanks for being such a good sport. They really enjoyed it."

Munin huffed as he climbed aboard, a palpable tension in the air around him. From her perch on top of the box, Lolly smirked and called down to him.

"Don't be such a sour face. I'm pretty sure it was harder on Eugene than it was on you!"

« Freaks, Friends, and Friends| Dread & Circuses Hub | A Circus Come To Not »

Road Trip 1.1 Patch Notes:

Draft 2 of the ending!
Ayy lmaos no longer speak english, and there is mention of a universal one-way translation device built by MC&D to handwave how they can understand the Circus.

Performance attractions

Recursive's Tome of Eldritch Lore

Characters:

Captain Nemo

Age: Unknown, low hundreds. Despite this, her appearance is deceptively young.
Race: South Asian (born in India, much like her namesake.)
Abilities: Magic-based ocular implants, allowing her a variety of low-level magical abilities. On the Nautilus, they allow her to perceive and understand her surroundings, even when they are heading at top speed, allowing her to angle and steer the ship as required. Other abilities include 'aura' vision⁶.

Backstory: Born in India and deserted by her family, she became a crew member of a ship at an early age. After taking charge during an emergency and saving the lives of the crew after the then-Captain had deserted, she became the captain of that ship, which she subsequently dubbed the Maharani. After an ambiguous period of time, she discovered a Way into the Library, and used it for her own interpretation of 'good'. She acted as a Robin Hood-like pirate, robbing ships from the British Empire and redistributing the wealth to the poor in India.

Over time, she suffered from motive decay and began to spend less time in the Foundationverse, and more time in the Library. Under bad terms, she left her original crew to explore the Library, joining a moderate sect of the Serpent's Hand. After gaining quite the impressive knowledge of Ways and worlds, she was contacted by Herman Fuller, who struck a bargain with her. She would act as an agent for him, to travel to different worlds and collect exotic flora and fauna for him to use as attractions in his circus.

In return, Herman pulled a few strings, allowing her to steal a ship that was capable of traveling through the Not. A few members of the Serpent's Hand, as well as a band that she had accrued over time, joined her as the crew of the newly christened Nautilus. The Serpent's Hand has mixed feelings about her. The radicals among them consider her a traitor and an enemy, but most of the moderates have little or no enmity towards her.

Presence in the canon: The dealer mentioned in 3718. Makes an appearance in [Name TBD, working name 'Road Trip'].
Related Characters: Munin, Herman Fuller, Lord Blackwood.

Trivia: Once worked with Lord Blackwood in delivering supplies to the refugees of Kul-Manas. Had somewhat of a rocky relationship with Fuller towards the end of her contracts with him, mostly due to a certain environmental cat-astrophy.

Munin

Age: Unknown (Likely as old or slightly younger than Nemo)
Abilities: One magic-based ocular implant, allowing him to remain conscious while traveling through the Not. Also gives him other low-level magic abilities in the same vein as Nemo. Also practices a nonspecific school of Magic, and is well versed in the esoteric arts. Abilities falling under this category include shapeshifting into smaller creatures (Snakes and Ravens seem to be the most common), summoning to a certain degree (given the right materials, could create a magic circle used to commune with and speak to otherworldly entities), and other low-tier abilities. He is on no way as skilled as someone such as Iris Dark.
Name Meaning: Munin (out of universe) is named after one of the ravens of Odin, specifically the one whose name meant 'memory' or 'mind'. The duty of these ravens were to act as the eyes of Odin, and fly around the world gaining information to report back to him. This mirror's Munin's duty to Captain Nemo. As another connection to Odin, Munin only has one of his eyes, the other having been replaced with a magical implant.

Backstory: Was an agent of the Serpent's Hand for quite a long time, and fell under what many would consider to be the more extreme end, leading raids on the GOC, MC&D, and the SCP Foundation. However, as time went on, he became more reclusive in the Library, content to merely study the knowledge and magic he could find there. However, that doesn't pay bills, so he eventually found his way onto the Nautilus, as one of Nemo's new crew.

For Nemo, he acts as an ambassador to the members of the Library who hold her in an ill regard, as well as acting as her eyes and ears on the world while she and the rest of the crew are away on jobs.

Presence in the canon: [Name TBD, working name Road Trip]
Related Characters: Captain Nemo
Trivia: Presumably has a counterpart named 'Hugin'. The pair are actually plucked from another article that I wrote, Mr. Doggo. Was created to be more of a 'comically serious' type character, in comparison to other characters such as Victor or Iris.

Locations:

The Nautilus

Brewcraft

The Other World

Currently Unused Characters

These are just characters that I've had ideas for, and have little or no plans to use them at this point, just thought they'd be worth writing down in case I/someone else want to use them later.

Charlotte the Spider Woman!

Derrick and Darling, Daring Dueling Devils!

Note to Beta Readers: This tale is a direct sequel to Recursive's tale in the adjacent tab

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“Pius, how do keep getting us into these messes?” Eugene asked as he lurched over the side of the inflatable lifeboat, his face literally green from seasickness.

Though, it would perhaps be more accurate to call it motion sickness, as they weren’t floating upon an actual ocean. The body they were bobbing upon undulated up and down slowly and without rhythm, like a super-viscous fluid being frothed around in a bowl. The surface was a perfect mirror, but instead of the sky, it reflected an ever-shifting mosaic of scenes from every corner of Reality, stretching onwards without a horizon and seemingly to infinity. Though it looked fluid, if Eugene tried to cup it with his hand it would float into the air like smoke and sift through his fingers like sand. The strange sea was neither gaseous nor liquid nor solid, but rather a substance wholly alien to the known space-time continuum. As such, Eugene’s only perception of it was what optical illusions his brain would generate as it desperately tried to make sense of it.

“I hardly see how this was my fault,” Pius replied as he calmly read over the survival guide he had found among the lifeboat’s effects.

He glanced up briefly at the sky, which instead of a sun or moon or stars held a colossal, hyperdimensional tangle of multiverses, stretching from one end of the firmament to the other. Individual universes appeared primarily as midnight blue orbs stained with luminous webs, strung together like octopus eggs.

“If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even have the lifeboat and you’d be sinking all the way down to into the Abyss. Do you know why this place is called the Not, Eugene? Because it’s Not our world, Not our universe, Not our multiverse and Not even our omniverse. We are outside of Reality itself, and the only reason it’s even remotely comprehensible is because this is just the surface of the Not and we can still see our own Reality from here. Now, if you go deep enough down that you can’t see home anymore, then your mind will shatter just from the sheer nature of the Not itself. Those are some truly unfathomable fathoms, let me tell you. Literally indescribable, utterly inconceivable and unimaginable, not a single mote of stuff down there that wouldn’t drive you absolutely bonkers just trying to wrap your head around it.”

Eugene wretched, releasing a copious volume of glittery black Clown vomit out of his mouth and straight into the incomprehensible Not.

“Okay, well now there’s Clown vomit down there, and that I understand,” Pius conceded.

Eugene groaned as he flopped over on his back, his face still as green as a pickle.

“You’re the one who shapeshifted into a mouse and sent Bubblegum into a panic while we were in the Nautilus’s passenger hold,” Eugene reminded him.

“I thought she was passed out.”

“Well, why would you turn into a mouse in the first place?”

“It was cramped in there, so I turned into a tiny animal. It was a perfectly reasonable thing to do. It’s not my fault that a startled, hungover elephant accidentally knocked Danny over and his eternally enflamed head set the hold on fire. You were the one who screamed ‘abandon ship!’ and leapt out the porthole.”

“You didn’t have to follow me!”

“I didn’t, and neither did Bubblegum. If her head wasn’t stuck in the porthole, or she hadn’t been trumpeting like crazy, someone might have noticed we went overboard.”

“Well, like you said, at least you had this inflatable lifeboat on you. I’d probably be dead right now if it wasn’t for you.”

“Thank you.”

“What about the rest of the Circus? You don’t think they’re…”

“Unlikely. There was at least one extinguisher in the hold and the blaze hardly seemed out of control. The Nautilus is probably looking for us right now.”

“Fat lot of good that’ll do us. Space and Time are meaningless here. For all we know, they’ve given up the search, gone home, and our universe has already expired from heat death.

…

“Try calling Gary.”

“I doubt we’ll get a signal here.”

“Just try it.”

“Alright then.”

Pius reached into his pocket, pulled out a French-style rotary phone and dialled Gary’s eleven digit number.

Ring Ring

…

Ring Ring

“It’s ringing.”

“I can hear it.”

“Gary? Gary is that you?” the voice on the phone asked.

“What? No, I was calling for Gary. Who’s this?” Pius asked.

“This is Pius the Clown. Who’s this?”

“You’re not Pius, I’m Pius!” one of the Piuses objected.

“It sounds like you,” Eugene claimed.

“I do not!” the voice on the phone said.

“Pius, it’s just pattern screamers, hang up,” another voice that sounded like Eugene said.

“We’re not pattern screamers, you’re pattern screamers!” Pius screamed, in a very pattern like way, slamming the receiver down. “That’s why I like old phones; you can’t hang up angrily with a smartphone.”

“I think we should take stock of our supplies,” Eugene suggested.

“Good idea. We have one rotary aether phone that can only be used to call pattern screamers. We have this survival guide, How To Survive When Reality Doesn’t by Dr. Alto Clef.”

“Why is the cover just a crudely drawn bunny in a hat?”

“It’s memetic, or at least a meme. As for the essentials, we have 1,2,3,4… 23 pints of Clown Milk.”

…

“You just carry nearly two dozen pints of Milk around on you now? Are you trafficking the stuff?”

“Well we get lost a lot, plus since we started ultra-pasteurizing it we don’t need to worry about it spoiling.”

“Pasteurized Milk is a Fun-Lover conspiracy to weaken us! Raw Milk is natural! Raw Milk is healthier! Raw Milk is delicious! Raw Milk is…”

Eugene’s rant was suddenly interrupted by his cheeks ballooning with more vomit, which he promptly expectorated into the Not.

“Uggghhh. Not that I’ll be able to keep it down, but how are we set for food?”

“Let’s see. I’ve got a bag of Circus Peanuts, some Cotton Candy, a couple boxes of Animal Crackers, still got some of Saccharina’s Sweets but I was hoping to hold onto them.”

“You always were too sentimental.”

“There’s Kettle Corn, Corn Dogs, Dog biscuits, Purple Fluffernutter Sandwiches (Lolly’s favourite) and… an apple.”

“A caramel apple?”

“No, just an apple.”

“Gross.”

“Plus, I’m sure you still have the Bazooka, so that’s an infinite supply of cream pies right there.”

“Wait, that’s it! The Bazooka!”

“What about it?”

“We can use it as a rocket engine!”

…

“Huh?”

“It’s Thermodynamics! We set it to make pies with extra inertia, fire them out the back, and that will propel us forward!”

…

“That is the greatest idea you’ve ever had.”

Eugene forced himself to his feet in spite of his motion sickness and retrieved the enormous bazooka from his tiny pockets. Mounting it on his shoulder and taking care to keep it level so they didn’t go plunging down into the Not or flying up towards the Is, he fired off a coconut cream pie.

The pie erupted forward with so much force it sent Eugene, but not the boat, flying backwards. Thinking fast, Eugene immediately shapeshifted into a giant anthropomorphic parachute with the bazooka tied up in his safety harnesses. He was moving fast enough that he was able to catch enough air (or whatever was floating just above the Not) to lift him up by several dozen meters. As he gradually floated back down, he was able to manipulate his position by blowing until both he and the bazooka gently landed back inside the lifeboat.

…

“Guess we should have secured it to something, huh?”

After they had completed the inventory of everything in their pockets, Pius decided to try his luck at fishing with a rod he had found.

“And what exactly do you hope to catch? It’s not a real ocean, remember?” Eugene asked, busying himself with trying to create a pivoting holder for the bazooka out of unicycle and a few rolls of duck tape (not a typo, actual analogue tape rolls of numerous documentaries about ducks).

“Well, it’s the Not, so Not a fish,” Pius explained as he hooked the popped kettle corn kernel onto the fishing line. “Not a crab, Not a squid, Not a polyp, Not a sponge, Not a slug, Not an eel, Not a starfish, Not a jellyfish and Not a sea turtle. But at the same time, Not nothing.”

Casting his line, the popcorn kernel splashed into the Not with a good solid ‘splunk’. At the same time, a giant popcorn kernel suddenly appeared, dangling in front of them while held by only a hairsbreadth of thread.

“Ah…Eugene, do you see that?”

“I see it, Pius. Is that yours?”

“I’m not sure. Let me try something.”

Pius tentatively moved his line back and forth, only for the large kernel in front of him to mirror his movements.

“Eugene, can you see what it’s attached to?”

“No, the string just goes up for as far as I can see.”

Pius lifted his line out of the water, causing the giant kernel to disappear, only to reappear as soon as he let the lure drop below the surface again.

“I hope it’s not another pattern screamer. That last one was so rude, hanging up on us like that.”

…

“Wait, what?”

“Hey, bring it a bit closer. I want to try something,” Eugene ordered. Pius complied, manoeuvring his fishing line so that the giant kernel hung within reach of the boat. Eugene jumped and grabbed it, giving it a sharp pull. Just as expected, Pius felt a tug on his line.

“That is truly perplexing,” Pius said with a furrowed brow. “I wonder… hey Eugene, hold on tight!”

“What? Oh no, no, no, no!”

Eugene screamed as Pius reeled in his line, causing him to shoot into the sky and reappear bursting through the surface of the Not, dangling from the end of the lure.

“See Eugene, I told you I wouldn’t catch nothing!”

As Eugene huddled under a blanket and sipped Clown’s Milk in an attempt to calm himself after his brief Not exposure, Pius (who had made himself a tricorne hat out of an old newspaper, irrefutably making him the lifeboat captain) read aloud from Dr. Clef’s Survival Guide.

“Did you ever think about how weird the terms Humes and Kants are? Most scientific phenomena are named after the people who discovered them or Greek letters, but we named these things after Enlightenment Era philosophers as… what, a joke?

“Anyway, say you’re in a region with a low Hume level – or low Kant level, whatever, I never learned the damn system – you’ll know because a) the number on your Kant Counter will be low – I don’t know how low. Again, I never learned the system – and b) EVERYTHING WILL LOOK LIKE YOU'RE TRIPPING BALLS!

“Now, it’s possible you are tripping balls and reality is actually perfectly normal, so you’re going to want to do a little field sobriety test. First, stare at your hands. Keep staring at them. If your hands don’t look normal, then you’re tripping balls. Get yourself someplace safe – not a hospital – and enjoy. If they look normal, then that means you’re in a low Hume/Kant region and are probably fucked.

“I’ll be honest, getting yourself unfucked ain’t going to be easy. Talloran managed to do it though, so there’s some hope, right? Best advice I can give here is not to count on Scranton Reality Anchors. Hell, those things didn’t even help Scranton in the end, you know (You probably don’t know since this is all highly classified information)."

“Can you please just skip to something that might actually be helpful?” Eugene asked.

“I”ll try. Let’s see, next is a rant about how he thinks he might be in a nuthouse somewhere and all Reality is his delusion, making him God. Then he speculates on how Gears can be a robot and the Black Queen’s father at the same time, talks about some stuff from his Geo Sea days… yeah, I’m starting to think this isn’t an actual survival guide.”

“It’s probably not a good idea to take survival advice from a guy who would kill us if he had the chance in the first place. Where’d you get that book anyway?”

“I found it in a Bargain Bin at the Ikea that time we were there. The review on the back said it was must-read TV.”

…

“What?”

Ring Ring

“The phone’s ringing again Eugene.”

“I hear it.”

“Should I answer it?”

“No.”

…

Ring Ring

“I’m going to answer it.”

“Don’t.”

“Hello, this is Pius the Clown, whom may I say is calling?”

“I’m sorry, but the number you have dialled is imaginary,” an automated voiced replied.

“I didn’t dial anything, you called me.”

“Hang up, is either a pattern screamer or a telemarketer.”

“All of our operators are currently disembodied consciousnesses trapped in an eternal hell of their own existential despair. Please, stay on the line.”

The phone began playing a dramatic if melancholic instrumental track as hold music.

…

“Are you actually staying on the line?”

“They said ‘please’ Eugene.”

“Ugh.”

“All Creation is Abhorrent,” a deep, demonic voice said as it suddenly broke the melody of the hold music.

“Hello, who’s this?”

“All Reality is the Neverment. Even in Hallowed Darkness, The Memories of The Light Scorch the Mind. Consciousness Brings only Torment and The Memory of Torment. There is no Escape from The Unbearable Agony. Even for The Gods, Existence is Suffering. The Unthinking Beast is too Mindless to Comprehend The Futility of Hunger, and The Broken Machine Refuses to Accept the Futility of Toil. All Succumb to Entropy in Time, All Works turn to Dust. Only When The Last Soul is Snuffed out will Suffering be Nevermore.”

…

“I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.”

“Alright, that should do it,” Eugene said as he completed the final inspection of his creme pie jet engine rig.

“Hey Eugene, what do you think these big monoliths are?” Pius asked, cocking his head at the peculiar protrusion of gleaming stone rising out of the sea.

“It doesn’t matter. If this jet engine works, we’ll be able to travel the Not until we find a whirlpool back to our Reality, then we can find the Library, and then the Circus, and then forget all of this ever happened.”

…

“Do you think they’re just like some kind of iceberg or something?”

“Next time Icky wants to travel outside all known Reality, I’m taking a personal day.”

“This one’s getting awfully close.”

“I’m telling you, I’m going to have to get Tinkles to up my dose of Clown Impulse Suppressant after this.”

“The more I look, the more real it becomes.”

“This is not where I thought I’d be at this point in my life.”

“And yet, I cannot look away.”

“Being shuffled across the Not just so that I can crawl out of a snake’s ass.”

“It’s hypnotic.”

“Pius, are you even lis – Pius, no!”

Alas, Eugene’s intervention came too late. The Monolith had drawn existence from Pius’s mere observation of it, entrancing him and becoming more and more real the closer it got. As soon as it was in reach, Pius reached out to touch it. The act of feeling it was enough to make it fully real. Luminescent cracks formed in a grid-like pattern all along the Monolith’s exterior, causing it to break off into a million pieces and evaporate into smoke. In its place was an entity of some sort, composed entirely of radiant blacks and vacuous whites, of three-dimensional shapes that only made sense as two-dimensional drawings, of particles and forces which could only exist in the mind but drove mad any mind that beheld them.

…

“Oh, it’s an egg or cocoon or something. That’s neat,” Pius remarked.

The entity landed with a splash into the Not, generating a tsunami that sent the lifeboat spiralling away from it. Both Clowns screamed in terror and Eugene puked from a combination of terror and motion sickness, looking up in horror at the colossal entity before them. Their horror only increased when the entity seemed to take an interest in them, swimming towards them and opening a large orifice to engulf them.

“It’s going to eat us!” Pius screamed.

“The hell it is! Why fill up on Clowns when you can skip straight to dessert?” Eugene asked as he aimed the bazooka/jet engine at the approaching monstrosity. “Eat Lemon Meringue you son of a bitch!”

Eugene squeezed the trigger and held it, producing a volley of pies at a rate of 700 rounds per minute (he had illegally modified the bazooka to be fully automatic sometime back when he realized the key to a good a pie throwing sketch was overkill). The inertially modified pies propelled the little lifeboat forward at fantastic speeds as it rode up and down the massive bow wave the creature generated in its pursuit. Though many of the pies disappeared down its cavernous cavity, they did not slake its appetite. The entity needed a conscious observer to ensure its continued reality. If it vanished from sight, it would cease to be all together, but with a pair of observers incorporated into its being it would become self-sustaining, free to go where it would.

As the tiny lifeboat and colossal entity skidded along the surface of the Not, neither seemed to be gaining the upper hand. Eugene steered as evasively as the jerry-rigged pie thruster would allow, but the monster would not be shaken. As if sensing its preys growing sense of hopelessness, the entity widened its cavity, eager to devour them and become real.

This, however, proved a foolish decision, as a beam of emerald green light was fired into its gaping maw, triggering a catastrophic explosion and blowing the creature into rapidly dematerializing bits. The blast was so powerful that the lifeboat was sent flying through the air.

Eugene and Pius thought for sure that this time they would plunge into the Depths of the Not, but they instead landed in the Crow’s Nest of the Nautilus. The pair looked up to see Munin staring down at them stoically.

“Eugene,” he said, in as polite a tone as he could manage, but Eugene was sure he sensed the man’s anal sphincter tighten in memory of their recent performance.

“Well, this is awkward.”

“You morons!” Icky shouted as she crawled into the Crow’s Nest, right before throwing her arms around the two wayward Clowns in relief. “I really thought we might have lost you this time! You have to be more careful!”

“Sorry Icky,” the pair apologized, slightly out of synchronicity with each other.

“It was Pius’s fault,”

“You’re the one who jumped ship!”

“You’re the one who caused a fire, making jumping ship the rational choice!”

“Enough!” Icky ordered. “Next time we travel through the Not, I’m locking you two up in a crate.”

“How’d you find us anyway?”

“We detected a Monolith breaking on our scopes from 80 000 grimnauts away,” Munin replied. “It’s a rare and calamitous occurrence that Icky assured us could only have been caused by the two of you. Luckily, we’re well prepared for Schrodinger Krakens.”

“Come on you two. I want you below deck and well secured before Nemo makes the dive back home.”

“Sounds good to me. The sooner there’s dry land under my feet, the better,” Eugene said, slinging the bazooka over his shoulder.

“I hope you two realize how lucky you are,” Munin said severely.

"It wasn't luck, I broke open a Monolith."

“The surface of the Not is not only vast but an ever-changing kaleidoscope, with distance and location having little meaning," Munin continued. "Anything, or anyone, lost typically remains so until it sinks beneath the surface and the very concept of existence ceases to –“

His melodramatic monologue was interrupted by a cream pie to the face.

“Sorry. Hair trigger.”

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Footnotes

SCP Sandbox Wiki II

Sandbox Harder

The Things Lollipop Is Not Allowed To Do At The Circus Of The Disquieting

Enemies of Herman Fuller The Circus Of The Disquieting

Old Draft. Please Ignore.

Recursive's Tome of Eldritch Lore

Currently Unused Characters

Other interesting sites

SCP Foundation

The Special Ed Wiki

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