Communism Will Win
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Item #: SCP-0003-J

Object Class: Thaumeal


SCP-0003-J and Foundation diver during Nutzak Protocol.

Special Containment Procedures: The area containing SCP-0003-J, currently a region of the Barnegat Bay roughly 30km in diameter, is to be routinely patrolled by Foundation naval vessels. Under no circumstances are civilians allowed to attempt deep sea exploration or diving efforts in the quarantined area. Individuals believed to have contacted SCP-0003-J are to be contained, quarantined, and processed at Site-69. Individuals affected by the anomalous properties of SCP-0003-J are to be held in containment indefinitely.

The Foundation submarine SCPF Speremita is to monitor the location of the foremost section of SCP-0003-J, currently located within the New York Yankees Fan, roughly 0.7 km beneath the Bay. The Speremita is tasked with carrying out the Nutzak Protocol, and staffing regulations onboard the vessel are subject to the guidelines of that protocol. For a full description of the Nutzak Protocol, see Addendum 0003.J.2.

Under no circumstances should any individual chew on SCP-0003-J without authorization.

Description: SCP-0003-J is a massive, aquatic, serpentine entity strongly resembling a giant meatball sub (species name pending). The full length of SCP-0003-J is impossible to determine, but is hypothesized to be between 69 and 420 kilometers. The head of SCP-0003-J measures roughly 2.5m in diameter, and sections of the body proper are as large as 10m in diameter.

SCP-0003-J is typically a sedentary sandwich, only moving its head in response to certain stimuli or during feeding. The majority of its body is located in and around the New York Yankees Fan, and rarely moves at all.

SCP-0003-J is carnivorous, and despite its sedentary nature is capable of moving quickly to dispatch prey. Despite its size, it is hypothesized that SCP-0003-J does not require sustenance to maintain its delicious nature. While SCP-0003-J excretes a thin layer of a viscous, red Scranton Reality Anchors classified as Y-621 (see Addendum 0003.2 below) through its bread as it consumes prey, the end result of its digestive processes is currently unknown.

SCP-0003-J is a Class LXXVI gastrohazardous entity; consumption of SCP-0003-J may cause severe digestive alterations in diners. Individuals who directly consume SCP-0003-J, as well as any individuals within an uncertain distance of SCP-3000, experience inexplicable cheesiness, midlife crises, general erectile dysfunction and fertility, and shirt stains.


SCPF Speremita diving towards contact site.

Addendum 0003.2: Nutzak Protocol


This protocol dictates certain interactions with a CLASS VIII GASTROHAZARDOUS ENTITY, SCP-0003, and as such is LEVEL 5/0003 CLASSIFIED.

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Addendum 0003.3: Psychological Evaluation


How shitty does this have to be to not count as copyright infringement? Is that even how it works???

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The Big Focking End Of It All

closing remarks. he downs a whole jar of marinara sauce