rating: 0+x

Pun Croc, the Punk Rock Pun Crock
Item #: SCP-1974-J

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1974-J is to be contained in a soundproof concrete chamber with steel doors capable of holding in a large common crocodile (Crocodylus niloticus.) At least three guards, each of whom must either have no sense of humor or be completely deaf, should be posted outside the containment chamber at all times with enough weaponry to easily kill a large common crocodile. SCP-1974-J should be tracked via the implanted GPS tracker at all times.

Description: SCP-1974-J is, during inactive states, a Hamilton Beach Crock-Pot cooker. At least once every month, SCP-1974-J enters an active state, and transforms into a large common crocodile, wearing a mohawk wig, sunglasses, and spiky leather wristbands on all four legs.

During either state, SCP-1974-J is an active auditory cognitohazard, shouting terrible puns at high volume. Any sentient being capable of recognizing and understanding humor will experience some form of harm from hearing SCP-1974-J, usually self inflicted (banging own head on wall, attempting to puncture own ear drums, committing suicide) or by losing control of certain bodily functions (groaning until lungs are empty, then groaning some more.)

SCP-1974-J often breaches containment during active states, through means that are not currently fully understood by the Foundation. In this event, applying force sufficient enough to "kill" SCP-1974-J will cause it to revert to its original form, and remain silent for approximately 30 minutes. SCP-1974-J is safe to handle during this period, and must be placed back into containment as soon as possible.

Containment Breach Logs:

Researcher: Oh god, how did it get out? The door was locked!

SCP-1974-J: I had the keter my cell!
-various sounds, including loud thumps, groaning, and a single gunshot-

Security Guard: Let's go, you mangy handbag.

SCP-1974-J: I can barely contain my enthusiasm!
-sound of guard shoving his knife into his ear-

Janitor: Help! I think it's going to eat me!

SCP-1974-J: I prefer to eat feet, or dogs, for their heeling properties.
-sound of janitor beating himself about the head with his own mop handle-

-sound of pistol being fired, shots ricocheting off of nearby walls-
Researcher: Stay away stay away stay away leave me alone

SCP-1974-J: You know, euclid actually try aiming that thing.
-horrified silence, followed by a single gunshot and a thump-

Containment Team Leader: Maybe we could stick SCP-963 to it!

SCP-1974-J: Hey, that's a pretty bright idea!
At this point, all the members of the containment team left the site, and drank themselves to death in the nearest liquor store.

Research Logs:
All tests take place in a soundproof room with D-Class personnel and a computer running a speech-to-text program, for documentation.

D-80085: What am I supposed to do with this crock-pot?

SCP-1974-J: Nice shoes, pal! My favorite shoes are crocs!
-repeated thumps, each one sounding more wet than the last-

D-0803: Subject was fully restrained for this test You promise this thing won't turn into the crocodile while I'm in here?
SCP-1974-J: No guarantees. I try to keep myself active.
Autopsy revealed that D-0803 groaned until his lungs collapsed, then died of suffocation.

Recordings indicate that no person was present during this log, but that the logging computer was turned on.
SCP-1974-J: Hey! You!
-sound of whirring, then sparks, then a small explosion-

Item #: SCP-1294

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: Instances of SCP-1294 are to be contained in situ at their respective Scouting camps and organizations. If a host site for an instance of SCP-1294 is to be shut down, the instance is to be moved via 1937-era transportation means, by a team of outdoors-oriented Foundation personnel in full 1937 or earlier Boy Scouts of America regalia to the nearest Boy Scouts of America camp or Council office willing to take it. To prevent activation of an instance of SCP-1294, the full Scout Oath, Motto, and Code must be recited by at least one person within eyesight of the object at least once a month. Additionally, defacement or damage of an instance must be avoided, as detailed below.

Description: SCP-1294 is any of approximately 40 (total number cast is unknown) lifesize bronze statues cast from a 1937 mold of the famous Dr. R. McKenzie statue, "The Boy Scout." The mold in question was destroyed around 1988; statues cast from other, identical molds have so far displayed no abnormal properties.
SCP-1294 instances are generally docile, and easy to contain. Their activation is prevented by a monthly recitation of the full Scout Oath, Motto, and Code by at least one person in full Boy Scouts of America uniform within eyesight of the statue; strangely, this can be fulfilled by any version of each, rather than only those extant in 1937. Their activation is triggered by the following:

  • Failure to recite the full Scout Oath, Motto, and Code at least once monthly (Instances contained at camps that only run during certain months of the year only require this during the open season)
  • Being approached by someone or something with the intent of destroying, damaging, or defacing the instance
  • Being moved by a means of transportation not constructed during or before 1937
  • Being moved by anyone not in full 1937 or earlier Boy Scouts of America uniform
  • An unknown trigger; see Addendum 1294-01 for details

Activation of an instance of SCP-1294 leads to an immediate change to the entirety of the area within 500 yards of the instance, including all objects and personnel within the area. Men and boys within the area will become convinced of the following: that they are a Scout or Scout leader, that the year is 1937, and that they are close personal friends with a Scout by the name of Asa Hooven (the model for the original statue.) Women and girls within the area of effect will become convinced that they don't belong there, and attempt to leave.
All man-made objects within the area will change into 1937 versions of themselves, with the exception of weaponry or tools directed at the instance, and any object that does not have a 1937 analogue. These items will vanish, and return after the instance is returned to a passive state.
Any person or object that leaves the area of effect will return to its original state over the course of 24 hours, and no memories of the time remain. No long-term effects have been noted.
The instance of SCP-1294 may be returned to a passive state by a full recitation of the Scout Oath, Motto, and Code within eyesight of the object; as most affected people have been Boy Scouts and Scout leaders, and act as though they are Boy Scouts in 1937, most containment breaches have shut down on their own.
Addendum 1294-01: On April 12, 199█, at approximately noon, all instances of SCP-1294 activated simultaneously, and their area of effect grew at the rate of 5 yards per hour until the containment protocol was initiated at all locations at least once. The final area of effect around each instance was a circle approximately 2600 yards in diameter; the reason for the delay in de-activation was a previously unknown instance, now contained at ███████ █████, MN. This is the only time in which more than one instance was activated at once. Any personnel with current or previous Scouting ties may be called upon to enact containment procedure in the event of another severe breach such as this.

A late night chat transcript

(12:05:32 PM) The topic for #cattroubles is: Got troubles with your cat? Get help here!
(12:06:01 PM) luminus: So, we all here?
(12:06:03 PM) carl214: Yep
(12:06:06 PM) GunRUs: I'm here
(12:06:17 PM) FMAfanCO: checking in
(12:06:20 PM) luminus: Okay, so since we're not sure whether discussing possible new instances of 1019 on the official chatrooms counts as "documenting," we'll meet in whatever room has the lowest user count. What seems promising?
(12:06:21 PM) carl214: That thing in peru turned out to have started while the last instance was still running, so another team can take care of it
(12:06:22 PM) GunsRUs: There's a bottle of anomalous lavender perfume but I heard it killed someone
(12:06:28 PM) luminus: Document it and see what happens. If it's one of ours, then 1019 is changing for the worse, if not it isn't our problem.
(12:06:29 PM) FMAfanCO: I haven't found anything new, but why do we have to use our private usernames?
(12:06:55 PM) luminus: Because we're not sure yet whether the ones the F issued to us count as documenting things
(12:06:57 PM) carl214: out of all the unlisted teams I've ever been on this is the weirdest
(12:07:03 PM) FMAfanCO: yeah
(12:07:17 PM) carl214: seriously, I'm only on this team because that thing with the radio playing that warhols song happened in my office
(12:07:18 PM) FMAfanCO: seriously?
(12:07:24 PM) carl214: and screw you guys for making me listen to it all day to "check for variations"
(12:07:48 PM) carl214: it's not even a good song
(12:07:49 PM) luminus: Stay on topic. Bitching is for the bar, after work.
(12:08:04 PM) FancyFeast10: wtf r u guys talking about
(12:08:13 PM) FancyFeast10: i need help with my cat
(12:08:19 PM) luminus: Oh, sorry. Yeah, we're all cat experts, just having a little off topic fun. What's happening?
(12:08:52 PM) FancyFeast10: u guys won't laugh rite
(12:08:59 PM) FMAfanCO: No. We promise.
(12:08:59 PM) FancyFeast10: my cat can walk on walls and the ceiling
(12:09:26 PM) carl214: seriously?
(12:09:33 PM) FancyFeast10: yeah
(12:09:48 PM) FancyFeast10: been going on for about three days now
(12:10:09 PM) FancyFeast10: not all bad tho at least he smells like limes instead of refried ass like usual
(12:10:30 PM) luminus logged out
(12:10:33 PM) carl214 logged out
(12:10:36 PM) FMAfanCO: Stay right where you are, okay bro?
(12:10:46 PM) FMAfanCO logged out
(12:38:00 PM) FancyFeast10 lost connection
(12:38:12 PM) GunsRUs logged out