DrScaramouche

Graciously donated by Gamers Against Weed, via ad-hoc connection to treaty sources.

Of Interest: user-friendly, donation, communication, cost-saving

Safety Concerns: Item is in plain sight, and is easily accessible by public at large. Nevertheless, extrapolation of possible security breaches return a minimal-at-best risk of discovery of its anomalous properties.

Asset Summary:

Asset Summary: A report written by the Rev. Dr. Karl Tillich, Applied Theology Division:

gaw1.jpg

GAW-1

Nota bene: It is my understanding that my recent departure from the ███ Foundation led, directly, or indirectly, to my involvement in the handling of this donation. I state, for the record, that I did not compromise myself, the MCF, or our ongoing concerns in any way. - KMT

I was assigned to Donation GAW-1 (henceforth "GAW1", for purposes of clarity), on June 7th, 20██. It is my understanding that we were alerted to the existence of GAW by Foundation resources, pursuant to terms set forth in the 1995 Kigali Accord.1 I am uncertain as to how the Foundation was alerted to GAW1's existence before we were, especially given that we were its intended recipient. From what I have been told, the Foundation received a letter, apparently sent via GAW-1, asking the Foundation to alert us to GAW-1's presence.2 It is my opinion that the organization known as Gamers Against Weed is still in its infancy, and not yet entirely possessive of the capabilities required to reach the lofty goals to which it aspires.

I digress.

GAW-1 is a set of five standard USPS3 mailboxes, of regular size and issue. They are located near the corner of Colesville Road and Second Street in Silver Spring, Maryland, USA. The only obvious thing separating them from standard mailboxes, apart from their unneccessary quantity, is that they seem to have been ripped out of the ground, concrete slab and all, and placed in their current location.

A secondary obvious anomoly is that, if one were to try and move them, one will find them unperturbable. I note this as secondary, since most civilians people would not think to try and attempt such a feat. Otherwise, interacting with GAW-1 reveals no anomolous activity; mail properly addressed and affixed with the necessary postage will, in a timeframe analogous with standard mail transit, arrive at its destination, properly postmarked and carried in a way similar to mail deposited in any other official receptical.

… I'm sorry. I'm being told I've been too technical, and not, as would be preferred, brief. I apologize, and ask your understanding — at the Foundation, if we didn't document every breath to include the exact number of nosehairs disturbed by the same, we could easily find ourselves redacted. And I don't mean [[REDACTED]].

After being alerted to GAW-1's presence by the Foundation, I was dispatched with a team to ascertain precisely why this gift, with no other instructions, had been given to us. Visual inspection revealed nothing but that which was mentioned above, other than a poorly-affixed note, which I've included as Attachment GAW-1-Att(A) We began basic tests.

And by basic, I mean basic. We tried mailing letters. Letters from random addresses, to random addresses (that were nonetheless monitored in order to intercept said test letters). All letters were properly addressed, and properly affixed with the required postage. Local. International. Priority. You name it, we tried it.4

I had an idea. We tried mailing a letter, properly addressed, and with proper return address, through the leftmost mailbox (which I, out of habit, have named GAW-1-1), but with no postage. This turned out to be our answer.

The letter arrived, within the same amount of time as would be expected, at its destination. Proper postage was affixed, but was cancelled in Springfield, Massachusetts.

We attempted the same experiment, using the same addresses, with GAW-1-2 through GAW-1-5. The letters arrived, as expected, with proper postage, but having been postmarked from: West Haven, Connecticut; Cleveland, Ohio; Portland, Oregon; Las Vegas, Nevada; and Manchester, UK. The letters were otherwise exactly the same as sent.

Here, I relied on my training from the Foundation. I pray apologies from the Father, as I did not want to ruin a gift from Him, but rather, I needed to know exactly with what we were dealing. I had my crew try and destroy GAW-1-1 by brute force. Having achieved an acceptable level of demolition, herein defined as having rendered the specimen unusable, we encountered our first instance of GAW-1-A.

Almost instantaneously, a standard USPS mail truck (hereafter GAW-1-B) rounded the corner to the north, and sped to a quick stop in front of the GAW-1 instances. GAW-1-A disembarked. The subject was of average height, weight, build, skin color, and attractiveness.5 GAW-1-A proceeded to remove GAW-1-A by sheer physical force, deposit it within GAW-1-B, and replace it with a new instance of GAW-1-A. They then boarded GAW-1-B, which sped off south and out of sight. Further testing on the new GAW-1-A revealed it to operate exactly as the last instance operated.

Sidenote: I'm again being told that I'm being too verbose. I blame my training. God wasn't the only reason I wanted to leave that [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED]ing Foundation. Jesus.

I digress.

My task was, at least at that point, clear. Apprehend GAW-1-A, and find out precisely what was going on. I set my team in motion. We proceeded to lay in a trap, positioning personnel in strategic locations surrounding GAW-1-1. I then had a fellow brother take a tire iron to GAW-1-1. As expected, upon rendering GAW-1-1 inoperable, GAW-1-B sped around the corner from Cameron Street.

Pulling up to the curb, GAW-1-A disembarked. At this point, my team apprehended the subject, and brought them to a safehouse for questioning. The interview, conducted by myself, follows.

Interviewed: GAW-1-A (hereafter "GAW-1-A"). After protestations by the same, and inspection thereof, interviewee was allowed to keep a non-anomolous, empty, standard-issue USPS mail bag.

Interviewer: Rev. Dr. Paul M. Tillich (hereafter "TILLICH"

Prologue: Context pursuant to above. Interview not to be read without first being familiar with surrounding documentation.

TILLICH: Hello. My name is Dr. Tillich. I'd like to ask you a few questions.
GAW-1-A: Feel free to address me any way you like.

TILLICH: (pause) Let's start with the basics. Who are you?

GAW-1-A: (does not answer; smiles)

TILLICH: I ask again, who are you?

GAW-1-A: Let me ask you something. Why am I here? I'm only trying to help.

TILLICH: Help? How?
GAW-1-A: Isn't it obvious?
(At this point, GAW-1-A stands, straightens their back, and assumes what can be described as a 'heroic' pose.)

GAW-1-A: (continuing) Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night, stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds!
TILLICH: That's all well and good, but —
(At this point, GAW-1-A proceeds to leap onto the desk, and cover Dr. Tillich with their mailbag. Dr. Tillich disappears into the same. GAW-1-A then proceeds to pull said mail bag over their head, disappearing into the same. The mail bag collapses onto itself, and disappears moments before security officers enter through the interviewing room door.
Three days later, Dr. Tillich was returned to the safehouse, appearing just under the wall-mounted mail slot. Dr. Tillich does not remember anything of those three days, other than 'a faint scent of canvas.' GAW-1-A remained at large.

1995 Kigali Accord between Manna and the Foundation

Graduating from Ristumeikan University in Kyoto with a PhD in International Relations, Murakabe Shinkichi is a senior member of the Manna Charitable Foundation, having served as President of the Japanese branch for 23 years. He left his post to work in International PR, before being promoted to Coordinator in 2004. Aside from coordinating the efforts of the Foundation on a global scale, he has also helped conclude several key deals for the Foundation.

Maintenance and Operation:

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