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The Chronicles of Mr. Madison Hatter

Chapter 1: The Tea Party Surprise
I hate tomatoes.

Squishy, indecisive, nasty little things. They never seemed to have the good manners to decide whether they should be a fruit or vegetable. And they always seemed to have the bad habit of being thrown at comedians. I once tried to raise some right, and teach them the proper respect to stay put. But their rudeness was in their nature, as one day the very ones I raised to live their lives as unthrown gentlemen just up and decided to throw themselves.

Was that the sound of sirens I heard?

Phooey! I smashed the teacup in my fist for the fourth time tonight. The men with the guns and incredibly poor sense of fashion had arrived again. Do you ever think they would get the good sense to leave me alone and let me have my tea party?

That is, unless… they wanted to join.

“Excuse me, Ms. Wanseh Van Fried. It appears we have guests.” I said, placing down the shards of my teacup on to the tablecloth, which glomped them up eagerly. Ms. Van Fried, ever the gentlewoman, gave me a kiss on the cheek and offered me my hat before I could even push in my chair, which she also did for me, once I blinked in surprise. Oh, the kind soul, she was!

I gently placed the hat upon my head to look dapper. And, of course, I gave it a little tip, to look even more dapper, creating at least a 178% increase in dapperness. That should win the fellows outside over. They’ll know good fashion when they see it, looking upon my dapper form with awe, and then looking at their own clothing with disgust. Why, they didn’t even have good hats!

I closed the door behind me and slimily slithered to the front door, working at the fizzwhistles on the lock with a loud bang as my fingers broke the sound barrier. Such a pesky little thing. It should go.

And then it went. Good riddance.

After making it past the idjits and the cerfligits and the nokkins, and after a hearty hello from Wonoe VI from the hole in the wall, the door was considerate and opened to greet the guests with me! Ahh, yes, after they saw me in all my glory, they would surely want to join my tea party!

The guests didn’t want to join my tea party. Instead, they shined bright lights in my face from helicopters high in the sky, and pointed guns at me from below. Why, they even aimed their laser pointers at my hat! The audacity!

“MADISON HATTER, THIS IS CAPTAIN BEAUREGARD OF MOBILE TASK FORCE EPSILON-11. RETURN ALL SCPS TO CONTAINMENT AND SURRENDER THE PREMISES NOW, OR WE WILL USE LETHAL FORCE,” shouted an amplified voice from the helicopter. Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. It was the fox men again, being vulpor as usual. They were by far the worst of them all, with the worst sense of fashion and absolutely no manners. One moment you could be having a fine cup of tea, and the next they would rudely barge in and ruin your day! They never even tried to look nice!

“First of all, they are gentlemen and gentlewomen, all with gentlemanly and gentlewomanly names! Second of all, tell your leader, and I think both you and I know his name, that Ms. Wanseh Van Fried never loved him anyway. He was never dapper enough for her!”

Through the megaphone I could hear the fox mens’ obvious surprise and shock. After all, they would never expect such brave remarks from a gentleman such as I. “ERR… T-THE OPINIONS OF OBJECTS THAT REPRESENT A DANGER TO HUMANITY DO NOT MATTER IN THIS SITUATION… NOW I ASK THAT YOU SURRENDER THE PREMISES BEFORE WE OPEN FIRE.” he called back, his anger obviously seething over. Oh my, the Foundation and his henchmen always took the poor souls for granted, didn’t they? The injustice of it all was all it took…

“IT DOES, TOO!” I said, tipping my hat at less of an angle to display my impotent fury. Everyone gasped in surprise at the display of disgust. They had never known me to be anything besides dapper. I silently scolded my hat for such a break in routine. The hat began to break down in tears, pouring out all the stresses and pressure in life of being the hat of such a dapper person. I consoled it, reassuring that we all make mistakes sometimes. Well, except for me. We hugged, kissed and made love, settling into a post-coitus embrace before finally reuniting hat to head, standing together to face evil as one.

“W-WHAT JUST… HAPPENED… OKAY… MR. HATTER, WE’RE GOING TO OPEN FIRE SOON IF YOU DON’T DO AS WE SAY NOW. YOUR OPINION DOESN’T MATTER IN THIS.” Beauregard yelled back after some time, most likely after he recovered from shedding tears at the loving acts between a man and his hat.





“WELL, I WON’T BE MOVING FROM THIS SPOT!” I crossed my arms and stuck my tongue out for good measure. Unfortunately my tongue melted, so I had to freeze it first. Wait, did I just freeze the men with guns, too? Phooey! They could have joined my tea party! Such a pity.

A sigh of obvious frustration could be heard from the megaphone. I snickered in delight. Beauregard must be red as a rude tomato, finally realizing the futility of what he was doing. It was no use. I was too dapper to be swayed.

Turns out he wasn’t. “T-TEAM ALPHA DOWN! TEAM BRAVO, OPEN FIRE!” he said in what I believed to be his rage. In an exasperated sigh, I realized that this man had no manner at all! It was up to me to teach them to him! But how?

Mr. Lightbulb had an idea.


After a brief moment of hesitation, Beauregard said “INDEED, YOU ARE RIGHT. CEASEFIRE, FELLOW GUNMEN.” adjusting his now much-more-fashionable clothing. The other guards simply watched in awe of Beauregard’s sudden dapperness, and I couldn’t help but beam with pride and wipe away a tear. They grow up so fast…

No one bothered to tell me the facility was slowly being filled with pasta until Ms. Van Fried tapped me on the shoulder. I left the stove on again, didn’t I? This was not good at all. Out the upper windows came linguini, fettuccini, tortellini, macaroni, ravioli, mostaccioli, anchellini, dischi, cannelloni, fusilli, rigatoni, conchiglioni, tufoli, ziti, even spaghetti! Goddamn spaghetti!

Beauregard ran to my side from the helicopter as it began to fall into the plothole. “Oh god we’re gonna die! Sweet and merciful Mr. Hatter, help us!” the poor man cried.

“Now, now,” I reassured his frightfully frightened soul, tying it into a bow instead of a knot, “I, Super Hatterman, will save the day with justice!”

I was about to call my noble steed when I found the tablecloth gnawing on the frozen gunmen. Hey! Bad boy! Those are friends, not food! Now sit! Stay! Now let me ride on your back valiantly into the sea of goddamn pasta!

I was able to stop the tablecloth midair, just before we hit the pasta. While he stood his air, I began to sing the sacred song.

“Pizza, pasta, put it in a box!
Deliver it to my house, and put it on my cock,
my cock, my cock, my cock,
my cock, my cock, my COCK!
Cheesy on my peeny and
some sauce-a on my balls!”

The pasta stopped, and looked up at me in wonder. Clearly, they heard the words of the sacred song and presumed I could only be their god. After the pasta helped me down to the ground, Ms. Van Fried kissed me on the cheek once again.

"Oh, Mr. Hatter, you saved us!" Shouted Beauregard in delight. The table cloth oozed to my side and licked me on the other cheek. D'aww shucks, you guys are embarrassing me in front of our brand new friend!

I was just about to resume the tea party when a dart hit my neck.

I fell to the ground and everything went all fizzaticky, save for one face, looking down upon my almost-slumbering-but-not-quite-yet handsome body.

It was the music man. Being treblesome as usual, I see.

“Thanks for providing a diversion, Beauregard,” he said, a rude smirk appearing on his face.

“D-Doctor Clef? What are you doing here? I-I thought Team Charlie was supposed to… Wait, w-where’s Team Charlie?” Beauregard said in some kind of fizzatick shock.

“The pasta got ‘em. Now snap out of it, we need to find out what to do with this one.” Clef looked up from my now-closer-to-slumbering-but-still-slightly-conscious handsome body to Beauregard, who was now hovering over me as well. His fashionable outfit was gone… and his face wasn’t anything dapper.

My head went blank, and my vision went black.


SCP Drafts

SCP-XXXX "Lil' Drillbit Hermits"

rating: 0+x

Instance of SCP-XXXX-A prior to containment. Photo taken by Agent Shawn Miller

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX-A-1 through SCP-XXXX-A-25 are to be kept in standard sized hermit crab aquariums, with no more than five instances per aquarium. All aquariums are to be checked once every 24 hours for breaches in aquarium integrity. Should any breaches be found, the population of SCP-XXXX-A present inside the aquarium are to be transferred to a backup aquarium, located adjacent to the original aquarium, and assessed. If any instance is missing, it is to be located and terminated as soon as possible. If any instance of SCP-XXXX-A is found with its drill turned on, regardless of having breached containment, it is to be terminated immediately.

Should breeding between two instances of SCP-XXXX-A occur, the female participant is to be moved to a designated "incubation" aquarium, where the resulting eggs are to be monitored closely. The female instance should only be transferred back to its original containment once it exhibits no further signs of producing eggs.

As of 5/14/20██, due to technical issues from overpopulation, should breeding between two instances of SCP-XXXX-A occur, both participants and all eggs are to be terminated immediately.

As of 7/23/20██ (see Incident XXXX-2), the remaining instances of SCP-XXXX-A (designated SCP-XXXX-A-1 and SCP-XXXX-A-2) are to be kept in separate standard hermit crab aquarium. The switch on each instance's drill is to be glued to its respective module, and permanently left on the "OFF" setting. Each switch is to be checked once every 24 hours for signs of deterioration of the present glue. If deterioration is found, the glue is to be replaced. Physical contact between SCP-XXXX-A-1 and SCP-XXXX-A-2 is to be prevented at all costs, although visual contact is deemed safe, and interference with this is unnecessary.

Otherwise, all information on the care and feeding of SCP-XXXX-A-1 through SCP-XXXX-25 can be found within the contents of SCP-XXXX-B, transcripts of which are stored in the offices of all Foundation staff involved in the containment of SCP-XXXX-A.

Under no circumstances is SCP-XXXX-A to be exposed to diamond.

Description: Instances of SCP-XXXX-A are hermit crabs (Dardanus calidus). Unlike non-anomalous hermit crabs, an instance of SCP-XXXX-A possesses a fully functional drill module and bit on its abdomen, as opposed to a shell. On the side of its module, a switch with two settings can be found, respectively labeled "ON" and "OFF" on each side. Autopsy (see Testing Log XXXX-A-b) concludes SCP-XXXX-A does not contain the elongated abdomen of normal hermit crabs, and is fused with its respective "drill." Otherwise, SCP-XXXX-A exhibits behavior identical to that of non-anomalous hermit crabs.

The anomalous properties of SCP-XXXX-A occur when its drill is activated, via the switch found on its "shell." When activated, SCP-XXXX-A's drill will begin to function like that of a normal drill, and can pierce all known materials (see Testing Log XXXX-A-a). This appears to have no effect on SCP-XXXX-A's behavior. Some instances of SCP-XXXX-A have the ability to activate their drills using their front claws. If activation using this method is prevented, SCP-XXXX-A expresses mild discomfort and agitation.

SCP-XXXX-B is a handwritten letter found with SCP-XXXX-A upon containment. The anomalous properties of SCP-XXXX-B manifest whenever an instance of SCP-XXXX-A is killed, or when a signifigant change in the care or containment of SCP-XXXX-A is made. When these conditions are met, one "PS" is added below SCP-XXXX-B's contents, or below a previous "PS." The messages within each "PS" vary, ranging from satisfied to agitated. If the current paper in which SCP-XXXX-B is written on is fully filled with these messages, a new paper will anonymously appear under SCP-XXXX-B, comprised of the same materials as the original SCP-XXXX-B, with the new "PS" written on it (see XXXX-B Event Log).

Incident Log XXXX-1: On 4/21/20██, at ██:██, prior to testing procedures, D-3276 asked observing personnel if SCP-XXXX-A is suspected to drill through anything. Upon being answered with “yes” D-3276 proceed to drill through the door of the testing chamber, resulting in a containment breach lasting approximately 30 minutes, before D-3276 was terminated and containment of SCP-XXXX-A was successfully reestablished.

Incident Log XXXX-2: On 7/22/20██, at ██:██, during the regularly scheduled feeding time of SCP-XXXX-A, all instances suddenly became extremely hostile, and attacked the attending Foundation personnel, temporarily incapacitating them. Then, the instances appeared to suddenly wear what observers of the event described as "soldier helmets," bearing "flags" in their claws, producing vocalization patterns similar to "battle cries." The instances proceeded to activate their drills, drilling through the walls of their containment in synchronization, which caused a containment breach lasting five hours, until members of Foundation security personnel were able to successfully terminate all instances of SCP-XXXX-A, save for one male and one female, which were successfully recontained. Upon recontainment, the instances of SCP-XXXX-A stopped all hostility towards Foundation personnel.

Incident Log XXXX-3: On 7/23/20██, at ██:██, a figure described by witnesses to be visually similar in appearance to a humanoid crab wielding a ██████ appeared next to SCP-XXXX-B and proceeded to [DATA EXPUNGED]. Recontainment was established ██ hours later. The figure initiating the [DATA EXPUNGED] was not found.

Addendum A: Five instances of SCP-XXXX-A and SCP-XXXX-B were found at the front entrance to Site-19 on April 20th, 20██, at ██:██. No security personnel recalled sighting any unauthorized personnel in that location during the time leading up to SCP-XXXX containment.

Addendum B: As of 7/23/20██, by order of the O5 Council, the testing of SCP-XXXX-A and all updates to the Special Containment Procedures of SCP-XXXX-A is suspended until further notice. -O5-█