GerrymanderBassist

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Item Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: In order to prevent the occurrence of an anomalous event, The Foundation is to have several agents embedded in the organization of the every Buffalo area sports team, agents within the NFL and NHL, as well as agents involved in the political systems of Erie, Niagara, Cattaraugus, Genesee, Wyoming, Orleans, Chautauqua, and Allegheny counties. All social media posts from residents of these counties are to be monitored for signs of an impending Makowski-Griffin event or Masiello-Brown event.

Description: SCP-XXXX is an anomalous phenomenon known to affect fans of the Buffalo Bills and Buffalo Sabres. It is theorized to effect fans of other Buffalo area sports teams, though research is inconclusive.

Fans of these teams are found to become increasingly fanatical about the Buffalo area as well as its sports teams, culture, cuisine, and history when the teams perform well. Increases in fanaticism also correlate to a gradual increase in muscle mass, resistance to cold temperatures, resistance to amnesiacs, and a greatly increased alcohol tolerance. The process of this transformation follows a direct correlation to the performance of the Buffalo Bills and Buffalo Sabres during their respective seasons. This is a contagious memetic hazard, with those displaying high levels of fanaticism spreading the memetic hazard to friends, relatives, and associates.

SCP-XXXX’s danger lies in a hypothetical Makowski-Griffin event or Masiello-Brown event occurring, causing a AK-class dominance shift scenario.

A Makowski-Griffin event would occur if the Buffalo Bills were to win the Superbowl or if the Buffalo Sabres were to win the Stanley Cup. The resultant change would cause a major cultural shift in global culture, with the entire global population considering itself a part of a “Buffalo suburb” within 48 hours of the victory.

A Masiello-Brown event would occur if either team ceased to exist. This would result in the entire Buffalo region becoming increasingly fanatical and enraged, ultimately leading to the creation of a militia capable of conquering the cities of Boston, Toronto, Ottawa, New York City, and Miami. After the capture of these cities, it is theorized that Buffalo fans will depose the governments of the United States and Canada. After taking control of these nations, pro-Buffalo propaganda will be broadcast worldwide and Buffalonian culture enforced by military action. Calculations estimate that the event would lead to the same global infection rate as a Makowski-Griffin event in less than two months.

Since simply moving the teams to another city would trigger a Masiello-Brown event, containment has been focused on preventing a Makowski-Griffin event. Containment has been complicated by the involvement of the Chaos Insurgency, who have been attempting to aid the Bills and Sabres to their respective victories, presumably in hopes to trigger a Makowski-Griffin event.

Below is an incomplete list of attempts by the Foundation to prevent a Makowski-Griffin event from occurring, often involving interference from several known members of the Chaos Insurgency. For a complete list, please contact Senior Researcher _.

Incident-1991-47: Norwood Wide right

Incident-1999-42: 1999 Dallas Goal

Incident-2000-22: Forward Lateral

Incident-2006-17: Loss to the Carolina Hurricanes

Incident-2011-1: Terry Pegula buys Sabres

Incident-2014-14: Terry Pegula buys Bills

Incident-2018-17: Josh Allen injury and Nathan Peterman

Addendum: On 11/17/2018, the Foundation received this letter of resignation from Foundation agent _ __, who was assigned to lead the SCP-XXXX containment efforts.

Ah screw it. You had to know this was coming eventually. It happened to every other lead agent out here for the past four decades.

I'm done.

I'm not going to run for mayor or buy the team or join the organization like the last few leads you lost, but I am going to tell you the same hard truths.

A Makowski-Griffin event is inevitable. No matter how hard you try. No matter how many referees you pay off. No matter how many bad players you sneak into a team. No matter how much you help out their rivals. Someday, the Bills AND the Sabres are going to win.

And they deserve to.

For years I was able to hate on them. Cheer for other teams. Our successful infiltration of the Carolina Hurricanes made me a pretty big fan. But you know what Carolina is full of? Buffalo expats. They held the best tailgates ever, cheered their team win or lose, and hyped up the city better than anyone ever could. They hadn't lived their in decades and they were still so in love with Buffalo. During that time I became a big fan of Jeff Skinner. No one ever would have guessed he was secretly a Chaos Insurgency plant. Put in our ranks so that we trusted him to tank if he were ever traded him to Buffalo, then to go on and give his best season ever the second he joins them. He was always friendly, easy to work with, and goddammit he was talented. And he still is, just now we have to treat him as an enemy.

It was his first skills competition as a Sabres. Someone called in a potential latent anomaly at the arena and I showed up to contain it. False alarm. What I did see was that figure skater like spin into a goal. Jeff Skinner. That was the exact moment I knew it was too late. Memetic hazard acquired. I was a Sabres fan.

A first I was terrified. Within a week I was fine with it, and I was a finding it in my heart to become a Bills fan too. Besides that, and a stronger than average desire for wings and a beer, I was no different than my previous self. I loved my family, liked my friends, no real changes in my personalities or hobbies. The fandom wasn't controlling my life, it was just something riding on with it. Another source of joy for me to share with friends, family, and even total strangers. Then I started meeting the fans and I was sold. One night at Tully's and I suddenly felt more at home then I have any time during my 20 years with the Foundation.

God knows the fans deserve it. Sure it may be anomalous and potentially dangerous, but is a Makowski-Griffin really worthy of being called an AK-class scenario? And even if it is, is it worth the Foundation routinely crushing the hopes and dreams of two of the greatest sports fanbases in the world?

Your sanitized list of attempts to undermine Buffalo is missing some important entries. Like how you actively polluted the area. Love Canal, 18 Mile Creek, Tonawanda Coke. You'd take away anything positive for the region. If a band from Buffalo found success, you'd break them up. Make them move. Leave the talentless members behind to form a new, awful band like Six Feet Under. Actors would move away and never come back. You took away jobs, stuck the whole region into the rustbelt. You even send giant snowstorms in like clockwork. You even stuck us with Chris Collins.

Why?

Because you know what this is really about: pride.

SCP-XXXX is pride in Western New York. And the Bills winning or the Sabres winning are just two possible tipping points in a battle you are certain to lose. Even the people who move here later in life pick up that pride, and those who move away never lose it. You thought all the previous lead agents cracked because they were Buffalo natives, but the truth is the positive energy is way too contagious.

The City of Good Neighbors. That is a name that I found to be true when I was stationed here. Always welcome to a stranger’s tailgate party. Always willing to help you shovel your sidewalk. Always willing to offer suggestions to visiting out of towners of where to eat and what to see.

It won me over. I know that it is an anomaly, but I am still myself, it merely added on something more. A connection to the people around me. A community. Humanity was probably routinely infected with memetic hazards before the days of the Foundation, what is one more? One more that actually brings the world closer to harmony? Letting them win peacefully unites the word into a common dream. I have no doubt that while the world may exhaust its supply of blue cheese, there will be world peace when a Makowski-Griffin event happens. At some point I had to realize I'm working for the bad guys.

Imagine a world full of Buffalonians. You could go into any restaurant in the world and order really good wings. Served with bleu cheese and not ranch. Going to a sandwich shop and ordering a beef on weck or a stinger sub. You can't even find a proper stinger recipe online! Imagine getting a fresh one anywhere. Everyone driving around in a Chevrolet or a Jeep, blasting 97 Rock. Everyone drinking a Rusty Chain and playing in a volleyball league over the summer. Lake Effect ice cream in every freezer. Dingus day celebrations, people making a pilgrimage for the annual World’s Largest Disco and UBcon, really good pizza, lines out the door of people coming to see the Albright-Knox, the Naval Park, and the Theodore Roosevelt Inaugural site, Jim's Steakout and Mighty Taco as international chains, hell maybe we can get Burrito Bay, Mark's, La Nova, and Chef's to be international too… goddammit why is all the really good food from Buffalo. And the skyline is beautiful with those old art deco buildings like City Hall. And we have Niagara Falls, the locks in Lockport, Canalside, why wouldn't you want to be a Buffalo fan?

And the Bills… and the Sabres they're going to be everyone's team. The more the merrier. We're going to have people on every continent jumping through flaming tables. Wearing Jim Kelly jerseys and remembering the Frank Reich comeback together. Sign me up.

You cannot contain SCP-XXXX. We are going to win. Sure Josh Allen is a member of the Chaos Insurgency, but his throwing arm really is just that amazing and that's bringing us to a Super Bowl and Jack Eichel is bringing us to a Stanley Cup.

I convinced the rest of the containment team on the ground here in Buffalo. We've all been won over. See you from the other side of this, hopefully hoisting up a trophy and making the world a better place in the process.

Go Bills. Go Sabres. Go Bisons. Go Bandits. Go Bulls. Let's go Buffalo. Fuck Tom Brady, fuck the Pats, and fuck the Foundation. My loyalty is to the best damn city in the world, if that means working with the Chaos Insurgency, then that's exactly what I'll do.

Trust the process,
_ ___

Addendum: After receiving the above letter, the Foundation lost contact with all employees tasked in the containment of SCP-XXXX.