Penis jokes, they just fly over my head


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Item#: SCP-xxxx

Object class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-xxxx is to be kept in a standard humanoid containment cell, measuring 5 (five) cubic meters, secured by a biometric lock only accessible to Level-2 personnel. An additional 5-meter Safe Zone around the cell is to be kept free of unauthorized personnel.

SCP-xxxx is allowed a standard television set with basic network channels. No D-class or Foundation personnel with criminal records are allowed access to the containment cell, the 5 meter safe zone around the cell, or within 5 (five) meters from the organism without pre-authorization.

SCP-xxxx is to be fed 3 (three) meals daily, comprising of various animals with severe bacterial infections. Honey, sugar or orange juice is to be used as a reward for good behavior and in emergency events.

Description: SCP-xxxx is a sapient, 1.5-meter tall neutrophil granulocyte from the polymorphonuclear cell family1. SCP-xxxx weighs 56 kg and is capable of surviving outside of human physiological systems. While the organism does not seem to have any sensory organs, it verbally communicates in the English language using a South African dialect. The organism insists on being called "Phillip" or "Phil". SCP-xxxx claims it has all senses typical to human beings and gains sustenance by absorbing bacteria from live mammalians. Unlike normal neutrophillia, SCP-xxxx does not go through apoptosis (cell death). SCP-xxxx has vague memories of its creation and is aware of its anomalous nature.

When in a relaxed state, SCP-xxxx remains in a malleable, oblate spheroidical shape, achieving mobility by rolling on surfaces. SCP-xxxx is generally cheerful and enjoys the company of Foundation personnel. The organism has limited control of its physical shape and can change form to assist in tasks. SCP-xxxx claims to find this mildly uncomfortable, preferring its basic shape.

Whenever a human who has been involved in activities involving the act of murder, enters a 5 (five) meter radius of its body, SCP-xxxx becomes highly aggressive and will attempt to make physical contact with this person. It is unknown how SCP-xxxx determines if a human has fulfilled these parameters. Current research into how SCP-xxxx targets individuals, indicates that its personal opinions influence its choices.

In this state, SCP-xxxx takes on the typical physical traits of active neutrophillia when attacking bacterial cells. The organism produces aggressive vocalizations, takes on irregular shaping and uses aggressive tendril movement. It should also be noted that the organisms typical personality is replaced by a more vicious and primal demeanor. SCP-xxxx becomes much more mobile in this state and has the anomalous ability to phase through solid objects to reach its target. This effect is similar to how ordinary neutrophil granulocytes use proteolytic enzymes to dissolve intercellular connections.

In its enraged state SCP-xxxx, will attempt to absorb the human it has targeted into its body. SCP-XXXX will then rapidly dissolve the victim over a period of 4 (four) hours, leaving the victim conscious during this process. This process is similar to phagocytosis, albeit on a much more powerful scale, and is noted to be excruciating for the victim.

SCP-xxxx can be calmed from its enraged state by drawing its attention to any foods containing large amounts of simple sugars, and offering it to the organism. These foods act like a narcotic to SCP-xxxx but do not provide sustenance. Interestingly, SCP-xxxx is hesitant consuming these foods while in its docile state, claiming it feels guilt for being rewarded unreasonably.

Foundation resources have been allocated to find the persons involved in SCP-xxxx's creation. Current investigations are inconclusive.