Joke(?) SCP

Item Number: SCP ###
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: Any outbreak of SCP ### are to be surrounded by 4 speakers of any size at an audible volume, which will play whatever music at least three (3) members of the local containment team can agree is "decent". To prevent public panic, promotional material for the internet podcast "Fistshark Marketing" will be placed around each SCP #### site, and hosts Jim Sterling and Conrad Zimmerman were convinced by undercover Foundation personnel to incorporate a segment which matches a description of ### in their podcast.

Description: SCP ### is a highly invasive species that has yet to be fully identified, due to it's unique properties. It has the appearance of hair, but when introduced to an environment it will mimic any nearby structures or biological creature, moving outwards at an average rate of three hundred (300) ft per hour. Noted examples of this have been a tree which reached heights of seven (7) feet, a fully grown and matured cow, and [REDACTED] blocks in downtown Los Angeles, which was the initial outbreak site. It is unknown what happens to organic material within the effect radius of SCP ###, as the only currently known destruction method is specialized napalm bombing.

Each outbreak has been rapidly contained without incident due to the simplicity of containment, however destruction tests have been severely hindered due to it's other anomalous property. SCP ### emits a scent which is instantly nauseating at low concentrations ([REDACTED] PPM, or within about 5 feet per foot of the object) and is capable of rendering an individual in a full Class Four (4) HAZANOMAT (Hazardous Anomalous Material Handling) Suit unconscious at high concentrations ([REDACTED] PPM, or about 1 foot per foot of the object).

Unconfirmed reports during the initial outbreak also indicate that SCP-### may have minor power to influence the human mind. Local blogger Jacob [REDACTED] was reporting on the initial outbreak in a rented civilian helicopter when ###'s primary, low-concentration anomalous effect began. However, it's anomalous high-concentration failed to take effect on Jacob and his pilot, despite proximity to SCP ###. However, in the final moments of recorded video (Found in File ###-24, 5:24) an unidentified male, presumably the pilot, begins screaming incoherently, and the helicopter swerves sharply downwards. A black box, recovered during initial containment procedures, indicates the helicopter suffered no mechanical failures, thus suggesting both mild mind-suggestion abilities and a weight higher than that of the common atmosphere at sea level.

+ Incident Log ###-1

Initial Outbreak: SCP ### came to the attention of Foundation personnel when a listening station in [REDACTED] CA intercepted local police radio traffic going to the CDC, reporting a highly invasive "mold" taking over common roads and climbing building at an unnaturally rapid pace. The outgoing communication was relayed to the CDC, and embedded resources allowed Foundation control of the situation. A Foundation radius was rapidly constructed around the two (2) block initial outbreak zone, with the surrounded 10 blocks evacuated by Foundation security teams, and containment procedures began at 1428 hours. However, SCP ### was resistant to all known common and anomalous containment efforts, and containment teams were forced to widen the radius to three (3) blocks after twenty (20) hours of containment efforts, and initial containment teams were lost when additional instances of SCP ### grew out of drainage grates behind them, quickly rendering all units unconscious. The radius was extended to four (4) blocks after this incident, and containment units were authorized to use destruction methods that could cause collateral damage to undamaged city property. At 1134, 22 hours after initial containment efforts, the effectiveness of napalm was discovered as containment units armed with flamethrowers arrived in a last-ditch effort before the O-5 council began discussing final options. News of the destruction was successfully suppressed after a combination of Class-K amnesiacs disperced throughout the city, Foundation cyber-warfare teams managing to collect and destroy all associated media in concurrence with containment procedures, and focused effort by Foundation agents embedded in media across the West Coast.

Note from Dr. Keith, containment review: While containment agents in the field performed admirably, this is a clear case of why it is important to try every containment method on file before going to a nuclear option. Had units on site tried music before napalm, despite it not appearing to be a viable option, Foundation resources wouldn't have had to work so hard to contain the story of a few blocks of LA being firebombed. The lead containment agent on site has been reprimanded, and all other units with command have been given a written reminder.

+DISCLAIMER

This came from a goof on the internet podcast Fistshark Marketing, by Jim Sterling and Conrad Zimmerman. I'm not nearly creative enough to think this up, I just thought it would be an interesting addition to the Foundation archives.