And at this point I question what is wrong with me

rating: 0+x



Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures:SCP-CABBAGE-J is kept within a temperature controlled locker at Site-77.
The keys to this locker are available on written request from the Site Director for strict research purposes only.

Description:SCP-CABBAGE-J is a white cabbage of the Brassica Oleracea family. It is exactly 5kg in weight, with a diameter of 406.4mm, and is green in colour.
SCP-CABBAGE-J shows no signs of decay nor rot despite it's age.
It is otherwise unremarkable in appearance outside that of a typical cabbage.

Anomalous effects of SCP-CABBAGE-J manifest when a male humanoid subject who is in a state of natural arousal picks up SCP-CABBAGE-J.
A hole will appear within SCP-CABBAGE-J equal to the depth and circumference of the subject's fully erect penis, allowing for penetration of SCP-CABBAGE-J by the subjects sexual organs.
Upon engaging in coitus with SCP-CABBAGE-J, through use of this hole, both SCP-CABBAGE-J, and the subject, will vanish from sight, re-appearing once the subject has reached orgasm or disengages with SCP-CABBAGE-J.
Aftercare is at the discretion of the subject.

Subjects who have enacted this procedure have noted no differences in the world around them once they vanish from view and are able to walk around and interact with other objects as one would expect under normal circumstances. However any deviation from the interaction required by SCP-CABBAGE-J to maintain this state, regardless of how slight, will render the effect inert. And everyone will know what they did.

Testing has proved this phenomenon only works when subject is physically aroused ,or can maintain arousal, by SCP-CABBAGE-J, possesses a natural attraction to root vegetables or is Welsh born.
Through currently undiscovered means SCP-CABBAGE-J is able to detect if a subject is unwilling and/or being forced to perform on SCP-CABBAGE-J or if the substance Sildenafil is being used to generate a simulated reaction.

Testing log below:

Interviewer 1: Alright for the record D████ now has SCP-CABBAGE-J in-front of them. They have been given a number of tasks to attempt while [pause and sigh] performing and I am relatively confident that the footage of this test shall be buried deep within the foundations archives. Deep, deep down.
Interviewer 2: D████ are you ready to proceed?
D████: Um…
Interviewer 1: D████ You were informed of what we expected you to do and you agreed, are you now uncomfortable with this?
D████: Oh no, it's not that, it's a very lovely cabbage but, you know, I tend to work up to cabbage see, have you got anything like an eggplant or something?
Interviewer 2: [Speaking quietly] Are we honestly going to have to get this guy a fluffer vegetable.
Interviewer 1: Alright, test halted until we can [sigh] find something to arouse the subject.

[Interview resumes twenty minutes later]

Interviewer 1: Subject D████ is now [sigh] enjoying a butternut squash and is ready to proceed.
D████: Alright, let me just get [EXPLETIVE DELETED].
Interviewer 2: Oh God! He's actually doing it.
D████: This is…oh my…what is…this is not…oh…OH…ARHH..AHHHHHH [EXPLETIVE DELETED]
Interviewer 1: Subject D████ has now vanished from view.

Interview resumed twelve minutes and eight seconds later

Interviewer 1: Subject has now re-appeared. D████ are able to explain what happened?
D████: Oh I uhh….I've never [heavy breathing] I'm sorry you never told me it would be so….my, my, can we do this every day?
Interviewer 2: This is not where I expected my career to end up.
Interviewer 1: Subject did not complete any tasks given, I am now suspending test and returning D████ to his containment cell.
D████: Can I keep the cabbage?
Interviewer 1: Absolutely not!

[Interview suspended]

Acquirement History
SCP-CABBAGE-J came into the possession of the foundation after it was mailed directly to Dr █████ ████████ at Site-██ in a small FedEx box with a note attached.
Security originally believed SCP-CABBAGE-J to be a joke and due to a clerical error it was discarded and forgotten about for █ years in closet off the mail room at Site-██.
All staff involved in this error have since been ████████████.

SCP-CABBAGE-J was only re-discovered and classified after incident CABBAGE-01.

Addendum 1: Incident CABBAGE-01

Addendum 2: Note attached to SCP-CABBAGE-J upon arrival at Site-██

rating: 0+x
Item #: RPC-011 Level 3/011
Classification: Alpha Classified


Panoramic view of RPC-011's location


Item #: RPC-011

Object Class: Alpha

Containment Protocols: The creation of an Authority controlled tourist attraction, operating under the name "Clanyard Bay Phantom Piper Cave", has been deemed necessary as part of RPC-011's ongoing containment protocols due to its presence in local folklore and mythology.

Efforts to discourage disruptive forces such as tourists, conspiracy hunters, and G.O.I's, are described in the induction package, page four, Distraction Protocols, and include examples such as random placement of industry standard containment doors, staff who refuse to answer (or act suspiciously when asked) certain questions, and warnings to visiting members of the public not to enter specific caverns or touch certain objects.

The actual location of RPC-011 is to be registered and secured under Cover Protocol Zeta-3: Asbestos Dump, with Authority presence under the guise of a clean-up style operation.
The entrance to RPC-011 should be sealed when not in use for testing and regular checks are to be made on RPC-011's perimeter.
Lethal force is authorized to prevent entry if necessary. However all Armed personnel should not present themselves as armed in order to deter suspicion1.
Any instances of RPC-011-1 are to be documented by staff on site, before being transferred to Site-9 for further study.

Description: RPC-011 is a cave network in the Inchnadamph region of Northern Scotland. It has a single entrance, two large interior chambers, one of which features a small pool, and around 5.1km of narrow passageways ending approximately 600m underground.

Anomalous properties are only observed when a person, or persons, enters RPC-011 and states clearly in the Scottish Gaelic language "Tha mi a’ miannachadh"2 followed by any other word or phrase in any language.
Persons affected by RPC-011 will become easily confused and disorientated, quickly losing sight of anyone else, and appearing to vanish from the perspective of any observers. Subject will then find themselves in a tunnel section of RPC-011, not accessible through normal means, with poor visibility.
This tunnel is approximately 1.3m wide and is suspected to be infinite in length. RPC-011's secondary effect will take place while subject is within this chamber.

A subject can return to the entrance of RPC-011 by turning around and walking three paces. Testing has shown this to occur regardless of how far into RPC-011 the subject has progressed.

At some point, during the subjects duration within this tunnel section, the affected subject will acquire an object, known as RPC-011-1. Testing has shown this can occur in a range of different ways including finding an RPC-011-1 instance in a pocket or attached to an item of clothing, or to finding it within RPC-011 positioned in such a way that subject would walk into it. In several cases testing subjects have emerged from RPC-011 carrying an RPC-011-1 instance in their hands but, when questioned, were unable to remember picking it up.

A list of RPC-011-1 instances are detailed below:

Document 0011-1: A partial list of RPC-011-1 instances to date.

All subjects were equipped with a two-way radio headset and a flashlight. On entering none knew of RPC:-████'s anomalous properties

Designation Subject Statement Instance Description
0011-1-1 D-9821 Was unaware of RPC-011 Subject was chosen as a control. Subject wandered around RPC-011's interior for several hours. After nothing happened subject was ordered to return
0011-1-2 D-1211 A good meal Subject found a flyer for a local restaurant in their pocket after exiting RPC-011
0011-1-3 D-9972 A job Subject exited RPC-011 holding a pay cheque from The Authority. Further investigation revealed subject had been hired several weeks prior as a cleaner for Site-9 but an administrative glitch had accidentally registered them as D-class
0011-1-4 D-2718 A good drink Subject exited RPC-011 drenched in water
0011-1-5 D-2341 To leave RPC-011 Subject immediately re-appeared at the exit of RPC-011
0011-1-6 D-2213 see [my] daughter again Subject found a photo of his daughter in their back pocket upon exiting RPC-011
0011-1-7 D-4522 Unlimited Wishes Subject began screaming over supplied headset that they were unable to leave RPC-011. Subject became increasingly anxious and began running in both directions screaming the trigger phrase with additional statements until subject became blocked in by numerous objects which had materialized around them. Subject was advised to repeat trigger phrase and ask to leave RPC-011. Subject did so but claimed to be now under attack, subject was asked to clarify, subject began to scream and dropped headset. The distant sounds of someone running and the clatter of various objects were heard for several minutes until communication ceased.
0011-1-8 D-3678 The ability to fly Subject was ejected from the exit of RPC-011 at a velocity of approximately 340m/s. After visually tracking subject for several minutes MST Gamma-6 "Yer Da does Avon" were deployed to retrieve remains of D-3678. Subject was found just outside the Norwegian city of Stavanger approximately 643km away.
0011-1-9 D-0961 A hot chick Subject exited RPC-011 holding a box of spicy chicken wings which were promptly █████ by subject and assisting personnel.
0011-1-10 D-8121 Unlimited wealth Subject became crushed under, what is presumed to be, an unlimited amount of GBP coins of varying values.
0011-1-11 D-2111 A priceless object Subject was instructed to ask for a "Priceless Object" but instead asked for a "RPC master keycard and a gun". Subject charged from the exit of RPC-011 and attempted to attack several researchers with what appeared to be a Nerf Gun. Subject was terminated by on-site security. Later search revealed subject to have a credit "Master Card" in his back pocket.
0011-1-12 Dr Amos Information on your creation, workings and intent Subject returned with a large book which on closer inspection was revealed to be a biography on the life of Dr Amos that included a highly detailed description of his conception, birth and the numerous revenge schemes he harboured against his old Headmaster, his second wife, his third wife, his current wife and ██████ ████████ █ ████-██. Dr Amos described the book as a "Damn good read"

Addendum: Discovery Logs

RPC-011 was discovered during a routine investigation of local myths and legends. A man in Edinburgh who ran a Poltergeist & Conspiracy theory blog claimed to have found the "real wishing cave" claiming he had wished for better hair and promptly revealing his pre-maturing baldness had been cured.
Agents became curious and decided to follow subject as he promised to livestream the location of the cave and his second wish.
Agents were able to isolate subjects phone and prevent broadcast. Containment team arrived at RPC-011 20 minutes later found no sign of subject but reported a statue of likeness identical to subject with the words "to be a stronger, more stable man" embedded onto the plinth.

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