MrWrong's Staff Matters

Purging Notes: Parts to be changed or deleted will be strikethrough, with a statement addressing why in footnote.

Subject: Dr. King
Item Retrieved: One (1) plastic bag, containing 492 apple seeds
Item Lost: One (1) Rolex wristwatch, gold
Notes: This is the first test that has produced something the subject hasn't lost.

Subject: Sr. Researcher Grant

Note: Sr. Researcher Grant came in with the intention of testing continuously, and had on his person 60 standard pens.

Item Retrieved: One (1) set of keys to a 1988 Buick LeSabre
Item Lost: One (1) pen
Notes: I sold this car a long time ago. Damn.

Item Retrieved: One (1) medium size condom, in wrapper
Item Lost: One (1) pen
Notes: I think I lost this back in high school.

Item Retrieved: One (1) paperback copy of Fahrenheit 451
Item Lost: One (1) pen
Notes: I was just looking for this the other day!

Item Retrieved: One (1) pen, confirmed to be from a previous test
Item Lost: One (1) pen
Notes: Huh. Would you look at that.

Sr. Researcher Grant proceeded to test an additional 30 times, each time losing and gaining one standard ballpoint pen.

Subject: D-1144
Subject was instructed to think about a screwdriver he had lost while working as a mechanic for all tests.
Item Retrieved: One (1) passport for D-1144, dated 1996
Item Lost: One (1) pen

Item Retrieved: One (1) plastic bag, containing approximately four grams of cocaine
Item Lost: One (1) pen
Notes: Item confiscated immediately.

Item Retrieved: One (1) screwdriver, but not the one he was thinking of
Item Lost: One (1) pen
Notes: Additional tests showed no ability to guide what object is retrieved.

Subject: Agent Luminus
Note: Agent Luminus hypothesized that SCP-1162 becomes recursive when "fed" a large number of similar items, and had in his possession several small items from his locker.

Item Retrieved: One (1) pair of generic sunglasses, black
Item Lost: One (1) SCP Foundation ID badge
Notes: Agent Luminus has been given a replacement; however, after this test, "1162 ate it" will no longer be allowed as an excuse for losing your badge. Leave it outside the testing area.

Item Retrieved: One (1) 512mb stick of RAM
Item Lost: One (1) small salt shaker
Notes: Item donated to Site IT department for spares use.

Item Retrieved: A matched set of seven (7) matryoshka nesting dolls, nested
Item Lost: One (1) MasterCard debit card
Notes: "Well, it's a good thing I don't have to explain to the bank how I lost it."

Item Retrieved: One (1) KA-BAR Combat Knife, heavily rusted
Item Lost: At first glance, nothing; however, upon closer examination, Agent Luminus' sidearm was shown to be missing the firing pin.
Notes: "I'm gonna leave while I'm still ahead."

Subject: Researcher Veldi
Item Retrieved: A small plastic box containing various Lego pieces.
Item Lost: One (1) fishing license.
Notes: "Of course this happens right before a fishing trip."

Item Retrieved: One (1) Vizio brand television remote control.
Item Lost: One (1) iPhone

Subject: Sergeant Hendrix
Item Retrieved: One (1) 1989 train ticket to LA
Item Lost: Left Combat Boot
Notes: "Well I don't think I can refund this ticket for a new boot."

Item Retrieved: Left Combat Boot
Item Lost: Right Combat Boot
Notes: "Odd."

Item Retrieved: Right Combat Boot
Item Lost: Left Combat Boot
Notes: "Now its just [EXPLETIVE] with me."

Subject: K████ R█████████, age 7

Note: Subject has been born and raised in a compound of the recently disrupted ████████ ███ cult, where personal ownership of objects was not permitted.

Item Retrieved: One (1) deciduous tooth, canine
Item Lost: One (1) US quarter, 2002
Notes: Subject given amnesiacs and returned to civilian society.

Subject: Agent Richards

Note: Subject requested permission to attempt to retrieve a memory card lost during exploration of [REDACTED] Subject furnished with 10 identical memory cards to attempt to facilitate "similar loss and gain" pattern.

Item Retrieved: One (1) dental retainer
Item Lost: One (1) memory card
Notes: Mom never did let me forget losing that.

Item Retrieved: One (1) pack of cigarettes, waterlogged
Item Lost: One (1) memory card

Item Retrieved: One (1) memory card, damaged
Item Lost: One (1) memory card
Notes: ID tag confirmed it was the one lost in that snipe-hunt, looks like it was partially crushed. I'm not looking forward to explaining the loss of ███ bucks worth of equipment to get back some soggy smokes and a useless wreck.

Subject: D-5524
Note: D-5524 was carrying Keter class object SCP-████, in a passive state, to see if SCP-1162 could be considered as a containment option for troublesome small SCP objects.2
Item Retrieved: One (1) set of iHome capsule speakers, without cord
Item Lost: SCP-████
Notes: D-5524 was terminated immediately afterwards.

Subject: D-5566
Note: D-5566 was chosen because she had no knowledge of SCP-████ or the previous experiment. A full security complement was on hand, with sufficient tools to contain the object were it to re-appear.
Item Retrieved: SCP-████, in active state
Item Lost: Unknown
Notes: D-5566 was immediately killed by SCP-████ upon removing it from SCP-1162. No other fatalities were experienced; SCP-████ was returned to containment without incident. It appears that if used as a "disposal chute," the next item pulled out will be the last one deliberately put in. Due to the transitory nature of SCP-1162 if not used regularly, this poses an unacceptable risk of containment breach if used in this fashion. No further testing in this area will be allowed.

Subject: Agent White

Item Retrieved: One (1) well worn tube sock, clean, labeled "Hanes"
Item Lost: Contact lens, left eye
Notes: "Really? I'm wearing about four layers of cold weather gear and it takes my friggin' contact lens?"

Item Retrieved: One (1) pay scale warrant, as written out to Agent White, for level ██, prior to demotion on 04/01/████.
Item Lost: Contact lens, right eye
Notes: "Okay, now we're talkin'. If I can see this correctly, does this mean I'm getting my old pay rate back?"

Note: Agent White did not technically lose her previous pay rate. Human Resources agrees that Agent White voluntarily relinquished her previous pay rate through her documented sub-standard performance in the aforementioned reporting period. As one cannot "find" what one does not "lose", her pay rate will remain at its current lesser rate.

Item Retrieved: [REDACTED]
Item Lost: Undergarments
Notes: "No way is this mine! I'm married, what would I even need something like this for? Okay, stick a fork in me, I'm done. I mean… ahh, this is ridiculous."

Note: As a standard precaution, the facility psych department was consulted for possible follow-up considering the atypical nature of the [REDACTED].

Subject: Dr. Neiman
Note: Dr. Neiman conducted all tests while holding his office wastebasket, which was full at the time.

Item Retrieved: One (1) CD for the edutainment game "Dinosaur Hunter", without case
Item Lost: One (1) soda can
Notes: I remember this. I left it in the family computer when I was 11, and Mom took it out and put it in "an easily memorable place". Never saw it again.

Item Retrieved: One (1) pair of eyeglasses, matching Dr. Neiman's current prescription.
Item Lost: Unknown object from deep in the wastebasket
Notes: Lost these on a trip to Seattle last year. I'll keep them as spares.

Item Retrieved: One (1) 512 MB flash drive
Item Lost: One (1) crumpled-up document
Notes: From middle school. At least the experience taught me to keep backups.

Item Retrieved: One (1) paperback copy of Furies of Calderon
Item Lost: The wastebasket itself (remaining contents unaffected)
Notes: Oops. Didn't think of that.

Head Researcher Notes: This is the first time that SCP-1162 has taken an object too large to fit inside of it. Any further tests by this individual should be closely observed.

Subject: Dr. Hughman
Item Retrieved: One (1) 2GB Flash Drive with his name carved onto metal casing.
Item Lost: All body hair, internal and external.
Notes: Well, beats getting waxed I suppose.

Subject: Agent Luminus

Item Retrieved: One (1) copy of issue 1 of The X-Men (1963), in fair condition
Item Lost: Casio wrist-watch band, but not main watch body
Notes: This was in mint condition when it was stolen out of the back of my moving truck after I was reassigned the last time!

Item Retrieved: One (1) 10ml syringe, filled with a mixture of sodium pentathol, scopolamine, and [REDACTED]
Item Lost: Coffee cup, but not contents
Notes: Ow! Dammit. Well, I could have really used this back when I was actually interrogating that guy from the Church.

Item Retrieved: One (1) iPod nano, blue
Item Lost: One (1) iPod nano, blue, engraved
Notes: How am I going to explain to my girlfriend that I found my old iPod and lost the one she got me for my birthday?

Subject: Dr. Mathanach

Item Retrieved: One (1) small iron top
Item Lost: One (1) bowtie
Notes: Damn it, that was my last one.

Item Retrieved: One (1) silhouette target, multiple bullet holes
Item Lost: One (1) bowler hat
Notes: You've got to be kidding me, I've had that hat for years!

Note: Dr. Mathanach has requested that if anyone should retrieve his hat, that it is returned to him immediately.

Note: None of us are going to find your hat, Doctor. We can only retrieve things we've lost. —Dr. Neiman

Subject: Dr. Mijak

Item Retrieved: One (1) 20-franc bill
Item Lost: One (1) set of prescription glasses
Notes: Really? Francs? Who in the world still accepts these?

Item Retrieved: One (1) set of documents.
Item Lost: One (1) labcoat
Notes: W-wha-? No, no! Hold on, give me one more test! Gah, Gerald is going to kill me…

Note: Confiscated documents were revealed to be a rather… unfriendly document criticizing Sr. Researcher Gerald. Dr. Mijak confessed he wrote the document after a particularly difficult day of work, though he insists he never meant to show them to the Researcher.

Subject: Dr. Neiman

Item Retrieved: One (1) car tire chain
Item Lost: One (1) chewing gum wrapper
Notes: Gee, if only I had found this before I bought replacements.

Item Retrieved: One (1) box of stick butter, empty. Contents had apparently melted and leaked out.
Item Lost: One (1) dollar bill
Notes: Yeewww. This was unaccounted for after a grocery run last week. I'm going to find sun-melted butter all over my car trunk, aren't I…

Item Retrieved: One (1) card-wallet, including contents
Item Lost: Wad of assorted store receipts
Notes: Bingo!

Subject: Dr. Diamond
Note: Dr. Diamond has requested testing on whether or not SCP-1162 is sentient, specifically if it can respond to written messages. Also, he wishes to find out where exactly the lost items disappear to, and if there is a correlation regarding location of disappeared objects.

Item Retrieved: A large amount of fecal matter in a plastic bag.
Item Lost: One (1) folded-up piece of wide-ruled notebook paper with “How are you doing today” written on the inside in pencil.
Notes: I remember this! I was going to sell it to a science lab for DNA testing like, a year ago. Don’t look at me like that.

Item Retrieved: One (1) pair of tie-dyed socks, the size for a 7th grader.
Item Lost: One (1) iPod playing “For Your Love” by the Yardbirds on loop setting on full volume.
Notes: We could still hear the music after the device disappeared, although it did sound more distant. Investigation of the sound revealed the device stuck inside a wall on the floor directly under this one. Maybe SCP-1162 teleports all of the items lost below itself somewhere in the ground. This should be investigated.

Item Retrieved: One (1) purple round ball.
Item Lost: One (1) small metallic tracking device courtesy of the SCP electronics development team.
Notes: Device was recovered from an oil tanker in the middle of the Red Sea.
-Well, there goes that hypothesis.

Subject: Dr. M██████

Item Retrieved: Keys to Dr. M██████'s dormitory.
Item Lost: Standard Foundation ID Badge.

Item Retrieved: Standard Foundation ID Badge.
Item Lost: Replacement Foundation ID Badge.
Notes: *[EXPLETIVE]” Dr. M██████

Head Researcher Notes: We did warn you about the ID badges, Dr. M██████. I hope you like paperwork, because there's a lot of it in your future.

Subject: Dr. H███████

Item Retrieved: One (1) wooden sword replica
Item Lost: One (1) pencil
Notes: "Cool, I thought I lost this when I moved!" Dr. H███████

Item Retrieved: One (1) paper fan
Item Lost: Package of cookies
Notes: "Aww, I wanted to eat those for lunch today."

Item Retrieved: One (1) umbrella
Item Lost: One (1) 20 dollar bill
Notes: "I don't like this thing anymore, it's messing with me." Dr. H███████

Subject: Dr. D████
Item Retrieved: One (1) 50cm Foam Sword
Item Lost: One (1) 10 dollar bill
Notes: "I lost this when I was 12, but it's not worth anything near 10 dollars."

Item Retrieved: One (1) photo, burnt beyond recognition
Item Lost: One (1) pocket watch
Notes: "That was a family heirloom." Dr. D████

Subject: Dr. A████
Note: Dr. A████ was using SCP-1162 in an effort to find several important documents he had lost. He had, on his possession, 100 envelopes containing junk mail.3
Note: I didn't lose them! I just temporarily forgot where they were!

Item Retrieved: One (1) mathematics revision guide.
Item Lost: One (1) Piece of junk mail from a Payment Protection Insurance Refund Firm.
Notes: Lost this when I was 16. Thank god I didn't need it.

Item Retrieved: One (1) $20 Bill, soaking wet.
Item Lost: An unknown item in the pile.
Notes: Oh great, my wallet went through the wash, didn't it?

Item Retrieved: One (1) Wallet, soaking wet, but not contents.
Item Lost: One (1) Foundation Lab Coat.
Notes: Great, my labcoat's gone and my wallet DID go through the wash. [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]!!

Item Retrieved: One (1) set of Documents relating to [DATA EXPUNGED].
Item Lost: One (1) set of AA Batteries from a personal torch
Notes: Finally!

Head Researcher Notes: On closer inspection, it appeared that these were the first draft of the documents he was seeking, which he already had a copy of. The final draft that he was looking for never surfaced. SCP items are not to be used as an excuse for not making regular backups.

Subject: Dr. Alden
Note: Doctor Alden had five (5) standard #2 pencils on her person
Item Retrieved: Desiccated4 carcass of a tarantula spider
Item Lost: One (1) #2 pencil
Notes: [EXPLETIVE] Bristle escaped her cage a few months ago and I hadn't seen her since!

Subject: Dr. M██████
Item Retrieved: Replacement ID Card from previous test
Item Lost: Small binder full of important documents
Notes: "[EXPLETIVE]."-Dr. M██████

Subject: D-6141
Note: Subject was instructed to remove two items from SCP-1162 in two consecutive actions.
Item 1 Retrieved: One VHS tape in SP mode labeled "Home security 1987/05/02". Subject was noted to become ecstatic upon retrieval of item.
Item 1 Lost: One issued sock
Item 2 Retrieved: One half empty pack of Camel brand cigarettes
Item 2 Lost: One VHS tape in SP Mode labeled "Home security 1987/05/02"
Notes: Subject immediately attempted to thrust hand back into SCP-1162 upon realizing the first item retrieved had been lost again. Subject was restrained before this could be accomplished. Upon questioning, D-6141 stated "That was the video from the night she died, and the night I was arrested".

Subject: Dr. Opal
Item Retrieved: One (1) ███████ brand pornographic magazine
Item Lost: One (1) pair of socks
Notes: "Oh boy. I remember buying that when I was 13 and it got lost in the abyss of my bed." - Dr. Opal

Subject: Dr. ██████
Item Retrieved: One (1) abnormally long burrito
Item Lost: All hair on head, excepting a single strip down the middle
Notes: "I remember this from my 16th birthday. I had an obsession with burritos back then. I [EXPLETIVE] hate mohawks, though." - Dr. ██████ (All hair grew back at a normal rate)

Subject: Dr. Bell
Item Retrieved: One (1) brown teddy bear
Item Lost: Left sock
Notes: "I remember going absolutely berserk when I lost this at Summer Camp when I was 5. Could never find it…" - Dr. Bell