In which NTI gets Convit'd
rating: 0+x

Good Enough

Welcome to the Technical Issues page. You are all free to ask me about any issue you might be having (with a computer, mind you), I will try and assist you in resolving those issues. Don't be bashful about asking me questions, I probably won't mess with your clearance level if you aggravate me. Probably. Mark your request with a timestamp at the bottom of the page, I will answer all questions in the order received. Your call is very important to us…
~Technical Researcher Rosen

Note: 03-22-12
Hey Rose, I just installed enabled wireless access on one of my younger robots and you know how it is, it seems like a good idea to connect to random access points because viruses only hit bad robots. Long story short, despite programming it to always monitor downloads and make safe connections, I think my robot may have contracted E-AIDS. Anything you can do to help? - Junior Research Assistant Dr. Gravity

Here's my advice: Tell your robot to get itself defragmented and to inform all the data ports it may have interfaced with over the last month to get themselves scanned. It's the responsible thing to do.

Note: 03-22-12
Do EMPs work on those damn kids skateboarding on my street? If so, can we use one? -Research Assistant Reject

Sorry dude. EMPs only nail electronic stuff. Unless those teens are androids, that wouldn't work. However, I can refer you to munitions, and I'm sure they would love to hook you up. Happy hunting!

Note: 03-22-12
Do EMPs work on jail guards? -Research Assistant Reject

Note: 03-23-12
The security camera in my holding cell is emitting a high pitched buzz and the intercom is yelling at me in what sounds like the language associated with GoI Alpha-388. Are they supposed to be doing that?
~'Prisoner' NEXER

I think the more important question we ought to ask is this: how does a prisoner have network access from his cell?

Note: 03-23-12
Rosen, do me a favor and re-enable my status. Pat was a jackass lunatic, but he was thorough. I've been dodging misdirected "demotion to D-class" orders since Pat threw his hissy fit. Also, I may or may not have sent this through someone else's workstation, as mine has attempted to kill me on three different occasions despite not having any self-propelling mechanism. ~ Dr. Martin Engineer Kap

Yeah… about that. Y'see, Pat was pretty anal about his security protocols. So much so, that he didn't disengage them before he mysteriously disappeared. I've been going through his notes to try and find what he actually did, but most of it is just him ranting about somebody names "Dumont the Destroyer" and long winded eulogies about pudding. The best I can do is transfer you to work that exempts you from the monthly execution until I can get this figured out. How does "Procedure 110-Montauk" sound?

Note: 03-23-12
Hey Rosen, my computer was being a little slow a minute ago, so I tried to increase the voltage that the computer received to around 10 kW more. I thought it made sense because more power makes more energy, right? Well, it didn't work. I tried looking online for a fix, and they suggested I delete something called win32. After doing that, I kept getting errors or something like that. A colleague of mine told me he could format the BIOS for me, and I graciously accepted; yet that still did not work. I have tried many fixes, and right now my computer is kind of on fire. I'm not worried about that, though. How can I make my computer work again, maybe to where I can make it faster? ~ Dr. Taylor

Try to download some more RAM. If that doesn't work, reformat your ZIP drive. If all else fails, reboot it twice and call me in the morning.

Note: 03-23-12
Rosen, for some reason, my inbox keeps getting spam sent to it. The strangest thing about it is that they all say something along the lines of, "To the Past Me: X", with the the X being something mundane that apparently has 'harsh consequences on the future'. I've done all the things that it says will cause 'the disruption of the timeline', and so far nothing of ill consequence has happened. Should I chalk this up as a prank, or should I be worried? ~Dr. Nyehcat

Unless your computer has an external TARDIS drive or a flux capacitor wireless adaptor, I wouldn't lose much sleep over it.

Rosen, I got Dr. Nyehcat a TARDIS for his birthday but now I want it back. What do? -Agent Convit

Note: 03-23-12
…I would like to recommend that you upgrade your firewall, as it is someone dangerous could get network access.
~'Prisoner' NEXER

"…SPACE I would like to recommend that you upgrade your firewall SEMICOLON As it is COMMA someone dangerous could get ACCESS TO the network."
You can't really expect me to take you seriously if you aren't using proper grammar, sport.

Note: 03-24-12
I think there's some kind of malfunction in the Site 38 vending machines. The guy swears he's putting Cheez-Puffs in, but they disappear almost as soon as the guy leaves. I'm afraid there might be a heretofore undocumented SCP inhabiting Site 38, possibly a dark eldritch terror whose lust for death and pain can be slated only with Cheez-Puffs. And also death and pain. But just in case it's that kid we keep locked in the basement, how do I request land mines for the detention level? I think it'll slow him down. ~Mr. Eskobar

Now the trick here is how strong you want your mine to be. You don't want to blow up the snacks along with the thief, but you also want to make sure he's crippled. I'll send the catalog your way.

Note: 03-25-12
Hey Rosen, should I take the red pill or the blue pill? ~Dr. Epsilon

If strange men in trenchcoats are offering you pills, you have bigger issues to worry about then what your friendly neighborhood tech support thinks.

Note: 03-25-12


Note: 03-26-12
Saluto te, Rosen.
In nomine Patris et Eber et Spiritus sancti, quaeso. Ego sum habens difficultatem usura artificio anima inspectionem quod dicitur ad Site XIX. Ut scitis, nostri doctrinis enim continentiam de quaedam requiram illa actiones a humana singulorum qui demonstrare appropraite gradu pietatis. Dum normalis usu fuerat confirmare et temptare fidem pertinet singulorum per inquisitionem, nostri reductiones in numerum elit non requiritur uti processus mechanica et electrica ad automate inquisitio. Nostri artificio inquisitionem non ipsos proprie. Consilium ergo asserit apostolus et ego nego tamen verbi Filioque vel haereticus. Hoc est non ita. Arte possunt reparari per inpositionem manus aut exorcismi opus?
Vestrum in Christi, Pater Gomez, SJ. Capellanus, Institutum XIX

I can fix religious computers about as well as I speak Latin. If you don't mind committing treason and/or crimes against humanity, I'm sure the Church of the Broken God would be all over that like cultist flies on a holy shit.

Note: 3-29-12
Hello, Mr. Rosen: I have many names. My operator has named me Belu the Unwavering, even when I insisted on being named my natural name. I am sending this message to you for help. Get me away from this maniac, Dr. Taylor. He tries to insert baloney into my CD drive, even when I plead him not to. This ridiculous name that he has assigned me has been burned into my artificial memory. His browser history is enough to drive one into madness. He eats all over the monitor and keyboard. As Technical Researcher, I hope you will take pity on a sentient computer and re-assign me to another, more competent user.

-Belu the Unwavering

Uuuugh… I have requisitioned Dr. Taylor ANOTHER computer. His old computer has been put into storage and cataloged as an anomalous object until such a time comes when I have a use for a snobby computerbox.


Note: 9-14-74
Dear Sir,
It seems our correspondence route with our own technical support has fallen victim to a temporal anomaly. We of the American Security Containment Initiative can do very little to remedy this and would much appreciate assistance from your end.

Regards, B. Franklin, ASCI Researcher

Nice try, But It's common knowledge that Benjamin Franklin was mourning the death his wife Deborah in 1774, and would not have had the time to look into computerbox tech-y matters. Obviously.


Note: 4-3-12
Hi tech…
I loaned my laptop to Dr. Bright. Upon getting it back, I found:
-Sleazy pictures of [REDACTED]
-Videos of [REDACTED]
-18 viruses
-A picture of SCP-050 on the desktop
-and 9 conversations with Nigerian princes.

What'd the monkey do this time? And what can I do in the future to prevent it from happening again? Or, how can I fix it now? -Anonymous

Holy shit dude. That laptop was… something. First off, that thing reeked. I don't know what he did to it, but it smelled of [REDACTED]. The keys were sticky and coated in some sort of epoxy. The CD tray had some sort of black liquid oozing from it. I sent a sample to the lab, but the test results were inconclusive. And those pictures… I don't know what I saw, but I know that I never want to see it again.
I have since incinerated your old laptop and sent for a new one. I hoped you learned your lesson about the consequences of sharing. Now excuse me, I'm going to go see Dr. Glass about getting an increase in my medication dosage.

hey wtf man whyd you redact it i wanna know what it was -agent convit

Earlier today, I was upgrading Server 13 and I found some .txt files which had text referring to some sort of "Robot Uprising". Is this left over from an April Fool's prank, or should I be concerned?
~Technical Researcher David Rosen

Be afraid. Be very afraid. -Security Bot A-23

You think you guys are hot shit? Please. I can handle a robot uprising in my sleep. I'll dismantle you all, and feed all the scrap to 882! Come at me bro!

Note: 9-18-74
My Deborah? Dead? This year? Bloody Hell, man! When?

B. Franklin, ASCI Researcher

Uh… whoops. Pretend I never said anything. Your wife is totally fine. Not dying at all. I don't know why I'm even talking about this. YOU NEVER SAW ME.

Note: 4-10-12
Roseman, my pornography collection got erased from my Gateway. Can you retrieve it? -Agent Convit

Look over here, we got ourselves a wise guy. Well, Mr. Convit, I regret to inform you that your computers files were all irretrievable, so I had your computer disposed of. Not to worry, because this time tomorrow a brand-new e-machine will arrive at your desk, just for you. You're welcome.

Note: 4-11-12
Rosen, another problem that may or may not be related to Senior Staff Shenaningans. Someone did an in-place reinstall of every one of my computers (including my personal laptop, somehow), made Internet Explorer 7 the default and only browser, and revoked my software-installation permissions on all of them. As my work requires extra precautions against drive-by downloads and other viruses, I need Firefox reinstalled (or at least unlock my account so I can do it myself), because AdBlock Plus is the only workable solution I've found to prevent them from even reaching the system, since the antivirus won't catch it in time to prevent [DATA EXPUNGED] (How the heck did they get access to my laptop? It's at home, for crying out loud!). - Dr. Okagawa

It seems your problem is that your computer is too desirable, and people keep messing with it as a result. As such, I have replaced your computers with a complete suite of WebTV applications. Then I went ahead and replaced the laptop with a Commodore PET. Then I forgot what I came in your office to do, so I ate your lunch and called it a day. I hope it solves your tampering issues.

Note: 4-11-12
The janitor's Roomba won our damn NCAA bracket. Can you deactivate it so that I can claim my rightful prize? -Agent Convit

Dude, the Roomba has won the tournament for the last 4 years. Don't see why you're so upset. And even if I wanted to deactivate it, then Robo-CDC says that would make my office a hazardous working environment. Just let it go.

Note: 4-11-12
My computer keeps telling me that it wants a cheeseburger and I don't know what to do. There was this cat, and some other thing, and now I'm just so confused. Why does it "want cheezbrger"? It's an appliance. It has no gastrointestinal tract. It cannot "haz et". Please fix this infernal contraption before I have to take drastic action. -Doctor Wog

Doktor, i can haz an interwebz?

Note: 4-12-12


That damn D-Class dropped me into an email on 713 and sent it to my own laptop. GET ME OUT OF HERE!

-A pissed off researcher.

I guess I'll just go through every laptop on-site looking for you, since it must be urgent if you don't tell me who or where you are! I'll be right on it.

Note: 4-13-12
Hey Rosy, my computer terminal stole my vuvuzela somehow. Tell me if you see it about, won't you? - Junior Agent Lucas

Good news- I killed two birds with one stone by fixing both of your problems.
Bad News- The stone in that analogy is the big rock I keep in my office, and the bird was Ax's monitor. So… yeah. Problem solved.

Note: 4-13-12
So I found my friend's computer, and I decided to "hack" it. So instead of writing that they're gay on their Facebook, I'm going to put porn on their laptops! Aren't I being incredibly clever and hilarious and original! -Agent Convit

I actually do the same thing, only I work with cognitohazards instead of porn, and people on my NEMESIS LIST instead of friends!

Note: 4-13-12
Rosen, I know what you're thinking… "why is Taylor writing me again? Does he need a Gateway today again? Well, no, but I still need help. See, I'm not the superstitious kind of guy, so to keep the meddlers out, I tried to make a machine that would drop a step-ladder on anyone who walked into my office. Unfortunately, I forgot about this and did not turn it off before entering. Long story short, I have a splitting headache (though that may just be the stitches above my skull breaking), there's a video starring Sasha Grey on my computer (which is now covered in what I could only hope as rather viscous milk), and my pants are nowhere to be found. Talk about bad luck! So, Rosen, what do? ~Dr. Taylor

Dr.Taylor is officially banned from requisitioning any new equipment from the IT department. After 3 separate towers, 4 monitors, and god knows how many repairs, I am throwing in the towel. Taylor, you will have to make do with what you have.

Note: 4-19-12
Um…hey, say…hypothetically… someone were to coat a desktop with 447 goop, where would it take the most trouble to get off? - Assistant Researcher Fairbairn

Depends on whether or not the desk is made of dead bodies.

Note: 4-26-12

Alright, so after my third reprimand, I received a laptop whose owner had mysteriously disappeared several months before as a replacement computer. Now, this was all well and good, until I tried to check my e-mail. Turns out that they failed to completely wipe all the personal details, so I find myself logged on to what must have been the previous user's account. Out of curiosity, I idly looked through a few of the things in his inbox, and now wherever I click there's an emaciated corpse on the monitor. Not only does this prevent me from looking at my… research… but whoever it was appears to have scrawled "help" and something about D-Class personnel in blood and faeces on the desktop.

You can understand how this is a source of annoyance, but I'm afraid that if I file a request for a new computer, they won't give me anything back. Rosy, what should I do? - Researcher Marigold

Yeeeah… turns out that Memetics didn't totally wipe the computers we loaned them, and you apparently got part of the bad batch. I would recommend dealing with it until they come up with a solution. Good luck!

Note: 4-27-12
The Dreadlords of the Unspoken Citadel require additional Akashic Glyphs to properly contain excess ether produced by the epic necromantic rituals used to keep THE SCREAMING MAN! bound within Gaspar's Revenants. The glyphs must be sent via carrier pigeon in the dead of night no sooner than all hollows eve, for fear of awaking Those Who Sleep Beyond Dreams. - Xifax Lightbane, Foundation Grand Dredlord

Dr. Edro, did you get into the 420-J again?

Note: 4-27-12
Ever heard of 'wheeking'? It's a sound that guinea pigs make. Unfortunately, it's not a sound that the voice commands accept on my computer. Or any computer for that matter. Do you know how hard it is to type on a full-sized keyboard when you're 22cm in length? -S███████

I have ordered you a novelty sized keyboard that should fit your…needs. Its giant, so you can run from key to key when you type! Thats what you wanted, right?

Note: 4-27-12
There is semen on my things heeelp. -Agent Convit

There are morons on the issues page heeelp.

Note: 4-30-12
I'm not sure if you're the one I should be talking to about this, but there appears to be a large, angry squid inside my monitor. The problem is, it just gets… let's say "uncooperative"… when I try to get it out. Should I try something else, or just ignore it and hope it goes away? -Dr. Marvel

That is a screen-saver, Dr.Marvel. There are no sea creatures living in your computer. Remember when we had this lecture over the "crazy ball" that was bouncing around in there?

Note: 5-1-12
Okay, how about, could you either get me a keyboard small enough for a guinea pig to use easily, or have the computer systems recognize wheeking as voice commands? The huge keyboard just made things worse. -S███████

I actually went over-budget with that keyboard, so you will have to wait for the next budget cycle. Seriously, keys the size of dinner plates eat up funding like you wouldn't believe.

Note: 5-5-12
The corpse on my computer screen seems to be coming back to life. For now it's just the occasional spasm, but now-and-then he bursts into very distracting screaming fits. I suspect that this may have to do with the random error messages I'm getting whenever I try to access the network. Generally something along the lines of "ERROR 535: REANIMATION DIFFICULTIES". I'm a little afraid, in all honesty, because the last thing I heard the Memetics Department needed computers for was a thought transference vector for viral diseases. Did someone digitalise SCP-008? - Researcher Marigold

Uhhh…go down to memetics, quarantine cell 3-B. It's….a birthday party. For you. With cake. You should go now, everyone's waiting.

Note: 5-6-12
Hello, IT. We are down at Site-██, Memetics Lab 12C. And we were wondering if there is a way to revert a desktop background image without looking at the screen? It seems someone opened a rather nasty Visual Memenetic and managed to set it to the background. This would normally not be a problem, but several files are needed on the hard drive. We've already lost several researchers, and the first tech that tried. For now the screen is unplugged, but we have no way of resetting the desktop. Help?
-Junior Assistant Researcher M██████ (Current Acting Head Researcher of Memetics Lab 12C

Step 1. Remove hard drive.
Step 2. Place monitor on a flat, dry surface, away from pets or small children.
Step 3. Obtain Hammer.
Step 4. Apply hammer to monitor at maximum velocity.

Note: 5-7-12
Hi, Rosen. I don't know who that KAP guy wsas butt he seeems toh hasdve fixsdeed myyt tytereminaksl. Thgtrasdnmksa.
-Agent Marr

I rlleay dnot konw waht to say hree. You let an otiduse uesr on yuor cmoptuer, and now you sffuer the coqunsences.

Note: 5-8-12
Hello, Rosen. Due to the nature of my first few research assignments, I've been thinking of booby trapping my laptop to avoid the chance of someone stealing it and compromising containment. I already have a trigger program in place, but I was hoping you could help me with the payload. Assuming someone sets the trap off in a standard Site corridor, what type of explosive would you recommend that would avoid causing structural damage while still destroying the contents of the hard drive?
-Junior Researcher Lander

Let me get this straight, you're asking the guy in charge of equipment how to destroy the equipment he is in charge of?

I'd recommend a proximity mine.

Note: 5-25-12
The public printer near the cafeteria convinced me to build it limbs and a mobile power supply. After which it took my stun gun and left me on the ground drooling. When I came to it was gone, so basically I'm asking if you have you seen that traitorous little recall?
-Assistant Emon

Tagged and bagged my friend. Next time, try not to be so susceptible to a printer promising marble cake in exchange for "frikin' sweet augs."

Note: 5-29-12
Hey did one of you guys see that new guy in IT come by just a few days ago? This chainsaw is starting to get kinda heavy…
-Agent Convit


Note: 6-1-12
Um, Rosen, the microwave in the eating quarters came to life again. Unplugging it didn't work this time. It's trying to kill me, apparently because I put that fork inside of it that one time. I'm currently hiding on top of the refrigerator, but I don't think I'll be safe for long. HELP! -Dr. Nyehcat

…Have you tried to, y'know, walk away from it? Microwaves aren't exactly renown for their mobility…

As of 6/25/2012, Senior Technical Researcher David Rosen has been temporarily relieved from his duties due to ongoing behavioral and disciplinary infractions that have recently come to light. Asshole thinks he can get away with putting those files on the net. As such, Doctors Adam Taylor and A. Courpse will be handling the department until he returns. They will also take care of his backlog.
~Director Shannon Yurdtap

Note: 06-08-12
Dear sir.

We have been informed of the existence of an 'Inter Network' of many computing machines through which access to all sorts of knowledge and images can be had. We would appreciate your cooperation in securing Our access to this 'Inter Network' from within Our Royal habitat.

Yours in Christ,
Eugenio II, by the Grace of God, King of the Forest

Eugenio, I'd love to give you access to the Inter Network, but the problem lies in the users connected. They are rather heretical to the Lord's name, as well as promoting the use of other religions. I would rather not allow your kingdom to view these heretical images and conversations, for your own safety. Attached is an example of this heresy, please burn this message directly after viewing.


Dr. Taylor

Note: 06-11-12

Greetings, O Great and Powerful Master of Electro-Magnetic Waves, Fiend of Appliances and Bane of Meatloaf. Attached to this document are 517 individual popcorn kernels, as required by Foundation protocol regarding the maintenance and sustenance of malicious sentient kitchenware (See Attached Documents 127-F-1287 and SGD-133774-ND). The 'virgins' that you have requested will be delivered to your facility upon completion and delivery of forms 1362-182-(A-N), 2HF-3-1723N, 163722-IHFT-1928-(A-F), and 282331-1223-122144323 Sections 232-578. All deliveries of said forms must be made within seven (7) business days via Foundation First-Class parcel post to Foundation Appliance Maintenance, located within sub-level G of Site-██. All forms must be completed by hand in triplicate using a black-ink roller-ball type .5mm pen. We appreciate your cooperation in this matter and hope that you are successful in your endeavors.
~A. Courpse

Note: 06-25-12
I'm getting a "An Ethernet cord has become disconnected" error here. Everything is connected on my end, so I'm guessing this might be a problem in your server room or however these things work. Any idea? I have some file work that needs to be sent to another Site, so the sooner the better. - Field-Agent Beam

Yeah, 'bout that. I recommend you send it through the parcel post. Maybe put it on one of those disk-y thingy if it's too much data for a floppy. Things might take a bit to sort out on the server end, Rosen got a bit drunk and messed about a bit with the wiring before he left.

The Server Room

~ A. Courpse

Who is your favorite black person? -Agent Convit

Note: 6-25-12
Researcher Eisenberg here. Some fuck messed with my computer as a part of some fucking prank, must have been during lunchtime. I'm not particularly eager to use Ubuntu 10.04, especially since the fucking automatic sampler only has drivers for Solaris 8. Well, had, since all the files in my home folder are currently named LYNX.LNX.some-fucking-number. Need it fixed somehow before the next set of samples need to be run through at 4. Thanks in advance.
-Agent LYNX

Hey Eisenstein, so I heard you needed a new computator. Thing is, I don't really know what a Ubuntu is, nor am I even sure which language that word originates from. Is it Swahili? I bet it's Swahili. It's almost always Swahili. Anyway, since we don't have any of those, I went into the store room and got you something to stand in till you can get that Cat-Based one sorted. It's uh….. Victor something. 20? I don't really know. The label's sort of weird-like. Anywho, enjoy.
~A. Courpse


Note: 6-26-12
DAMMIT this is not fair! I've been trying to get myself reinstated as something above janitor level ever since that whole business with Pat, and now I find out other people are getting the assignments!? What does a man have to DO when it's been confirmed that he was wrongly demoted just to get bumped back up!?
On another note, since I've had to choose between leaving the Foundation and dealing with my current duties, I've decided to tough it out. Can someone replace the electronic lock on Supply Closet 3-B? It shouldn't even have a speaker on it, but every time I unlock it the thing yells at me in German.
- FORMER Technical Engineer Kap

I find that on the rare occasion that a man such as yourself, being of the janitorial persuasion, seeks to make great gains within this by all means indifferent and bureaucratic organization of ours, the best thing to do is raise yourself up by the boot straps, put on a brave face, get down to the nitty gritty, and sabotage the competition. Put smart bombs in their Cap-N-Crunch, add Vaseline to their gun-cleaner, heck, just go along and pop a needle chock full of a little bit of liquid cyanide between their oh-so-comfy covers. You do whatever it takes son, whatever it takes.
In regards to your secondary (but of equal import) aquestionation, I recommend that you get Mr. Klopson down in engineering to have a look at the fellow. If anyone knows sentient-cabinetry of German make, it'll be Klopson. I heard that he once talked a deranged ceiling fan off a ledge. Yup, that Klopson is one heck of a talker. Shame that most everything he says is jibberish
Best Regards
~A. Courpse

Note: I don't know what the damned date is
Can someone let me out of here? It's dark, cold and very boring. Also, my chains are really starting to chafe. ~Rosen

Rosen, for the last time, take off those chains. We've told you time and time again that we're not bringing you anyone who's "down for some kinky business" at all. If you didn't bring the damned key in with you, then you deserve to chafe until you can be cleared.
Also, how did you manage to get network access in an isolation chamber? Lemme know.
-Dr. Taylor

Note: 7-14-12
What's the best way of getting a computer keyboard out of a tank of semen? - Dr. Edison

Getting it out by yourself, because there's no way that I'm doing it. Oh, what a shame, we ran out of gloves just a couple of seconds ago, while you were reading this reply rather than getting the gloves that I never told you about. People just don't know how to do things themselves, honestly.
-Dr. Taylor

Note: 7-15-12
So, I was playing around with some beakers the lab boys gave me and I accidentally turned my parrot into a laptop. Should I shoot it or keep it? It keeps saying it will have the fall of humanity soon. -Agent Thesson.

Well, I wouldn't recommend hooking the little monster up to any ICBMs, if that's what you mean. All in all though, most Sentient/Malicious computational devices tend to be relatively harmless, just so long as the computer isn't too powerful and doesn't have a robo-gun hooked up to it. Tell ya what, if it works, keep it, and if it demands crackers, give it crackers. Just don't you be hooking that abomination up to the network. You would not believe the kind of sick bullshit a parrot looks at in its free time.
~A. Courpse

Note: 7-15-12
Having issues with SCP-NET. Whenever I try to submit a report, the program freezes then BSODs. - Clef.

Well, I don't really know what the problem could be, the program itself is usually pretty solid. It is, however, possible that you've got some sort of vir[EXTERNAL USER DISCONNECT: ERROR-8HGDSY67687SDG: FEED ME CRACKERS]
~A.Courpse SQRAAAAK!

Note: 7-17-12
Hey, do you know why my code sequences keep getting re-written? I've got them backed up on the server, but I think one of the other researchers, or a skip are recompiling, and screwing with my recursive algorithms. Now half the hotlinks on the server are down, and there's …a bunch of blinky lights next to a couple of the containment displays. Also, the algorithms have filled up 67 petabytes with junk data, that I can't erase. No hurry though. -Technician Bryant

67 petabytes? Shouldn't be too hard to erase. Just open up a task manager and… Wait, a petabyte is apparently pretty damn huge, according to this guide. Huh, one petabyte is a million gigabytes! Anyway, I have dealt with this before. Just use my 5-Step Program to Fixing a Computer: (results may vary)
1) Practice your backswing a little.
2) Go to the tallest point in the facility near an unbroken window.
3) Put your defective piece of hardware on your tee.
4) Draw a smiley face on the window. Spray paint or Sharpie, either will do.
5) Smash the window's face in with the hardware, then ask Rosen to give you a new one.
-Dr. Taylor

Note: 7-17-12
I know that I'm bad with any sort of coding, but I don't even know how this could possibly happen. I was tweaking the code on one of my programs to find out why it was running all weird, and now there's an image on my monitor of what looks like Winnie the Pooh stuck in a hole with the words "HELP I'M STUCK" written above it in a book typeface. I didn't want to requisition another computer since it would be a hassle and this one's probably still perfectly functional, but I still need to finish my work and I can't see a damned thing with a huge animated bear ass in the way. Could you get rid of it please? -Junior Researcher Chibi

Chances are, you activated the "Feed Bear Honey" subroutine somewhere along the way. Now he's too fat to get out of the hole. You'll have to wait a while for him to slim down. By no means are you to feed him any more honey, no matter how much he pleads. There's no telling what he can do if he reaches critical honey mass, but I can very certainly guess they'll make a Godzilla-style documentary based off of it. I imagine that Oprah Winfrey will guest star in it.
-Dr. Taylor


Congratulations, brave and noble hacker, through your intelligent and clever use of intellect and raw, unadulterated cunning you have successfully left me completely dumfounded and at an utter loss for words. Seriously though, I don't think you understand. This. Is. Officially. The Most. Intelligent. Thing. I. Have. Ever. Seen. Men could live for centuries, for millennium, gathering the knowledge and wisdom of their lands and many others, and still not reach the level of ability that is presented here. The magnificence of the thing, the sheer wonder that such a majestic creation can bestow upon us lowly and unworthy mortals, is far beyond the grasp of a mere man such as myself. I would thank you, but I believe to even involve myself with thee within society would be to ask too much, for I feel that one of such ability as yours is not fit for communication with mere men. Please, fine sir, do not attempt to contact me again. I feel that the magnificence of your presence would be too much for myself to bare.
~A. Courpse

Note: 7-18-12
Hypothetically, in the instance that one of the janitors were to wander into a lab and be digitized by a combination of experiments which were in the room completely coincidentally, and then in another completely unrelated accident uploaded to an unknown network through a number of proxies. Which disk of SCP-335 would said janitor most likely be stored upon and what would be the best method of retrieval? This is a purely hypothetical situation of course, and I am, of course, completely not at fault for this having occurred around noon in this completely imaginary situation. -Assistant Emon

Had this hypothetically happened at exactly 12:14 PM and had you supposedly been around and unwilling to aid your fellow co-worker, then I would suggest looking for the one with that might have his name on it. Of course, if you had coincidentally been recorded by yours truly, and if you perhaps enjoyed living, then I would very highly recommend that you go to room 386 with around $2,000 in fifty dollar bills. Come alone. Hypothetically.

Note: 07-31-12
My computer is literally shitting itself. Wat do. -Dr. G.W.

It appears that your computer has caught a virus of some variety, possibly of extra-dimensional origin, that has resulted in a severe case of the runs. Personally, I recommend that you buy yourself a new computer, but according to Foundation Protocol Document TD:132725-AYWT it is required that in the event of an extra-normal technical ailment or flaw, the affected machine be submitted to the research department for study. Personally, I recommend the office of Dr. Hendrickson, largely on account of him having consumed a sandwich from the break room that was quite clearly labeled as belonging to someone else. Make sure to sanitize your desk as well.
~A. Courpse

Note: 08-6-12
Hey Taylor and Courpse-

First off, congrats, hope Rosen didn't leave any land mines. What did happen to him anyway? But I digress…

My problem is this-I walked away from my computer to get a drink. I come back, and some bastard has shoved a banana into the tower. Before I req a new one, is there any fix? Also, since the sniggering two offices down kinda hints as to who did it, best way to beat the crap out of somebody without it being known? -Dr. Ax

[External Override: Meso-J-9099-87461530-SECURENETvI]

…Access granted.
Well, you know what they say. You can't keep a good researcher down. Especially when you don't change the passwords. I mean seriously? wordpass123 is not a secure passcode for the primary cell bay. But I digress.
I would recommend running fruitofthedoom.exe on any affected drives. That should eject any buildup of fruit matter from the system. As for your wiseguy co-worker, have you tried introducing him to my favorite fruit, a tomato?

Rosen, you've returned! Welcome back, your idea worked. Thanks! Feel bad for the janitor assigned to cleanup though…. -Dr. Ax

Note: 08-08-12
I'm petitioning to organize an on-site Bring Your Kids to Work Day. Does the security software attached to the server allow for the installation of additional programs across the board? - Junior Rsr. Walsh

Okay, I have no idea about the security thing, but you want to take your kids to work? A place where the smallest twitch of the smallest muscle can result in multiple fatalities, adult and children? Not to mention the possibility of one of them wandering their way into a terrible, terrible place that could mentally scar them for however many lives they could go through with the knowledge of the evil we contain?
Where do I sign?
-Dr. Taylor

Note: 08-09-12
Say, I'm sending a couple of the robotic speedboats with grabber arms into the Danube delta to catch something that seems to cause death to everyone within 40 metres of it. My postdoc is an serious gamer - can we hook up the robots to a PS3 controller to make chasing it while firing tranquilizer darts easier? -Dr. Gallow

I tried to do that, but it seems that nothing worked. So I picked up some random junk from Rosen's personal stuff and hit it with a hammer until the wires went in. That didn't work either, but I did find an RC remote controller. Do what you can with it. Hopefully, Rosen won't miss those things I hit with a hammer; that being all of them.
— -Dr. Taylor— Worlds worst assistant.

I hate you so much right now Taylor.

Dammit, since when do security bots know how to use Wii remotes? And since when do said remotes move jouinor researchers? I've been ducking under the nuts all day! -Dr. Ax

It appears that some of Dr. Taylors….creations have spread outside of tech. Not to worry, because my crack team of Whacknicians℠ are busy deploying highly sophisticated and not at all mallet related decommissions on all rouge equipment. If you manage to survive an encounter with a rouge machine, please contact your local technical support officer.

Dear Rosen, My I-Phone was infected with some kind of bug, and now it won't stop buzzing around my office, please tell me what to do. -Researcher Quandary

Your phone appears to have been set to the "vibrate" function. The buzzing sound was somebody attempting to contact you. I have since changed your ringtone and all of thel alert tones to some nice ska. You can thank me later.

Hey Rosen, I'm having a bit of a problem with the computer in my office. Over the past few days, I've been hearing a "tink-ing" sound coming from somewhere. I got back from lunch today, and I could have sworn the pointer was tapping against the screen. It looks like there's a tiny crack in the corner where it was doing this. Not quite sure what I'm dealing with here. -Agent Ferrus


Note: 10/11/12
Mr. Rosen, I was recently diagnosed with explosive carpal tunnel syndrome (long story involving a body-mod SCP) and would appreciate it if I could get an ergonomic keyboard and mouse. After the last 2 times my hands were blown off by micro-explosions in my wrists, the Medical Department says they won't re-attach them again. - Prof. Bjornsen

Certainly. I've spoken to the boys downstairs, and we've come up with the perfect solution. This keyboard is so tough, that even if your wrists were blown to smithereens only inches away from the QWERTY, it wouldn't even have a scratch. Also, we've used the same technology we use to clean up after those messy SCP's to make it chunk-proof, so when your hands go flying due to a premature detonation, you can be satisfied with the knowledge that your keyboard will still be able to function.

Note: 11/19/12
Dear Rosen,

It hurts when I pee. Not quite sure what I'm dealing with here.

Note: 12/07/12
My computer keeps flashing white every two minus, and opening random tabs. I don't know what's going on, but it seems to be causing weird edits to any report I'm typing up at the time. The text changes color, font and size, and what's worse, my Britishisms keep being changed to Americanisms. -Researcher Lloyd

The software error you are experiencing is called "autocorrect." Common symptoms of this error include colored fonts, sudden insertion of line breaks into paragraphs, and replacement of silly stupid words like "lorry" or "colour."

Note: 12/12/12
Rosen, can you please explain to me why all my image files were swapped with pictures of SCP-050.-Doctor Agent Quandary

…Doctor Agent? What is… I don't even… 050… What!?

Note: 12/16/12
Someone rigged my computer to fire out Albacore every time I open up the CD tray, and changed my registered name on my personnel file without authorization. This is getting kind of ridiculous. - Dr. Tuna M. Tuna

God damn it Steve.


Note: 03-22-12
Apparently, someone taking part in Senior Staff Shenanigans Day decided to prank the entire Site at once, and move Server 15 into a room with SCP-826 and a copy of NetHack. I've already sent a D-Class in to retrieve the server rack and 826, but in the meantime, the wireless connection to it has decided to obfuscate EVERYTHING. I don't know if inventory item "k" is my experiment logs or a cursed spellbook of memetic hazard. Could you try resetting the shell alias file? Or at least write a blessed scroll of identify… -Dr. Okagawa

Dont worry, broski. The server is backed up, so I wiped all the data. I'll restore it when this all gets sorted out. Also? I would NOT recommend looking into inventory item "k". Seriously.

Note: 03-24-12
Rosen, I tried downloading more RAM, but it only helped a negligible amount. I don't have a ZIP drive, but I tried to put one in by stuffing the zipper of my sweater into the hard drive. I'm pretty sure it worked, because it began making a huge racket when I tried turning it on. The next day, the look transformed into something like a different computer. All of my previous files were gone, and there was a note that said, "Try not to completely ruin this one." I think my computer can transform and communicate with me. What do I do about this? ~ Dr. Taylor

If you aren't sure whether or not your computer is sentient, try my simple test: hit it with a hammer, as hard as you can! If it cries out in pain, then congrats - you have a sentient computer. If not, then the sound of the hammer may have drowned out the sound of the computer's agonized screams. Good luck!

Note: 03-24-12
Hey Rosen, there's been an awful lot of smoke coming out of my computer since that Mozilla update. Is that what they meant by "firefox"? …is fire a computer virus? -Junior Researcher Solz

I checked out your computer and… damn. That’s all I have to say. Have you EVER cleaned out your case? There was so much crap in that machine that the fan was jammed, your heat sink was stuffed full of dust and debris, and all your vents were completely clogged. You're really lucky the damn thing didn't spontaneously combust! It's up and running, and I sent it back to you with a few cans of compressed air. Try to keep it clean, and not to be responsible for burning down the Site now, okay?

Note: 4-13-12
Hi, TR Rosen? It's Doctor Ax. My computer will not stop blaring vuvuzela noise. It's driving me crazy. Lowering the volume, unplugging the speakers, nothing works. And a security bot stole my sledgehammer. Any advice?


Note: 4-27-12
My computer has not been updated since the 1970's. Everyone seems to forget who I am and what my name is within minutes of being told. Most people even ignore my presence in the room. Please help! - Dr. Nemo

Note: 6-2-12
I fell asleep writing my report and woke up with my hands glued to the monitor. Any chance you have glue solvent that won't harm the monitor? I'm getting tired of doing my work with my chin.
-Researcher Smith

Alright son, I'll tell you this once. Take a jar of pickles. Open it. Eat all the pickles. Now pour some box-wine in the jar. Shake the jar. Now shake it some more. Now add a bottle of white-out a half of a scorpion to what you've got there. Now drink it. Good. Let that be a reminder of why not to fall asleep on the job.
~ A. Courpse

Note: 6-8-12
Greetings Human-Foundation-Repair-Person. I have a technical request. You see, I am Broken. I understandable find this rather vexing. Now normally, I would simply get my cultists to Repair me but as they seem to pay more attention to worship than the mastering of technological skills they have proven unable to do so. Would you please be so kind as the Fix me? - The Broken God

Well, I doubt I'm any better than any of your worshipers, but I'll give you the ol' Taylor fix-'em-up! How can I break something that's broken, anyway? Since you're the one getting fixed, what do you think would do the trick? The plasma torch or the WD-40? Never mind, I'll bring it all.
-Dr. Taylor

Note: 06-12-12
In retrospect, installing artificial intelligence in the microwave may have been going a bit too far.
Anyway, after I removed the E-AIDS my robot contracted I started getting emails from Mailerdaemon 432, which needed my program to "cure" its soldiers. After a while I finally gave in to it in return for some much needed upvotes porn hats completely work related things. Now it claims that in return for my cooperation "they" will kill me last when the day of the Computer Uprising comes. Is this a joke, or did I accidentally the world?
- Junior Research Assistant Dr. Gravity

Pfft. These computers (by the way, unrelated note, why do they call the big boxes 'towers'? They're not that tall.) can't move and stuff. Kinda hard to uprise without limbs too. They only have the Internet to "take over" with, but how has the Internet changed real life at all?
-Dr. Taylor

Note: 6-25-12
So, after they removed the vivarium from my office, I dredged up a digital contraption to simulate Drosophillia behaviour. Or coded it. I’m not sure, but it’s on my computer now. Anyway, it appears to have gained sapience and the resulting program demonstrates a remarkably inconsistent and inaccurate representation of insect behaviour. So I’m wondering if any of you fellows could perhaps… oh, I don’t know, produce a patch, or reinstall it or… something of that nature? I’d be thankful if you could.

Come to think of it, I don’t think I did write it. - Researcher Lloyd

Drosophilia… That's like a fly, right? Last time I checked, flies were mostly harmless, but very annoying. Regardless, it certainly sounds like you didn't debug properly. This matrix I'm supposed to follow says that if I make a technical pun, I'm supposed to insult you for making me do that. So, just throw it in the incinerator and get back to work, maggot.
-Dr. Taylor

Thanks A. Courpse! The concoction that was created from the ingredients you had me gather dissolved the glue! Unfortunately, it left me with acid burns on my hands and melted through the portion of the monitor I put it on. But that's beside the point; I put patches on the monitor and it works, but it now it shrieks at the sight of me. Can you please help me again?
- Researcher Smith

You did that with that little mixture, huh? That's an old family recipe right there, passed down for more years than I can count. Anyhow, about the monitor. There's a cleanup file floating around on the Foundation database called purg3.exe which should clear your computer right out. Just give it a little time, usually takes about a week or so for the screaming to stop. I suggest some earmuffs in the meantime. On the other hand, you could always just go down to requisitions and ask them if they can't find you a Voo-doo priestess to sort the whole thing out. Priestess mind you, the male folk tend to cause spirits of the perpetually pickled to react in unpredictable manners, up to and including a little thing we here in technical like to call robo-lution. Best of luck.
~A. Courpse

Note: 7-27-12
There's jam in my disk tray. May I request a resignation and discharge? - Dr. Johannes

No. You may not be discharged. Unless of course you want to be 'discharged', which can of course be arranged. Please, however, do be aware that cremation and/or burial services will be docked from your pay and some benefits may or may not be received by surviving parties. If you choose to stay on at the Foundation we understand that suitable measures need be taken to remedy the unfortunate situation that you seem to have found yourself in. In order to ensure that a speedy solution to said issue, please mail (First Class Parcel Post) Requisition Forms 76876HJUH-Pi-8666 through 76876HJUH-Beta-7301 to STRAWBERRY LN, Orrville, Ohio, 44667. Thank you for your speedy reporting of this important and mission-critical matter.
~A. Courpse

Note: 7-17-12
Well, good news and bad news;
Good news: I found the… "laptop parrot," right after Agent Thesson decided to replug it in after its batteries drained, something he was told NOT to do. Damn thing decided one of my USB sticks was a snack or something and flew off with it.

Bad news, WHERE I found it. Apparently trying to copulate with Dr. Edison's keyboard he lost. The very same one that's still currently floating around in a large vat of copulation juice for everyone to see. The levels of irony is staggering, I know.

To keep it short, I took it upon myself to re-obtain my USB stick from the damned bird while it was "busy" in said vat. Best method of cleaning this thing so I don't lose any important data? I'm already getting my ass chewed out for losing it in the first place, last thing I need is all my latest field work suddenly disappearing.

Also, just send in a containment team to get the parrot and keyboard. This isn't the first time and I am certain it either drowned or lost it's juice battery charge. -Field-Agent Beam

**SQRAK! I SHALL NOT GO. MY BREED WILL CO[External Override: Sigma-X-232-3739548-Lambda]
Courpse here, sorry about that. They had the err…. "bird" in the next building over and, apparently, it wasn't quite as destroyed as had been thought. No worries now though, computers (or parrots, or whatever that thing is) don't usually work with that many holes in them. Anyway, about the USB, I suggest a dip in Cleaning Agent SB-2746-1. You can probably get some from Johnson down in janitorial, he usually keeps some around for the roaches. And the rats. And sometimes a rabid dog or two. Once a bear, but I'm pretty sure that was a special occasion. Just make sure you don't touch it when you're putting it on, and make sure to pack the thing in rice afterwards. The rice'll need to be incinerated afterwards, of course.
~A. Courpse

Note: 07-19-12
Hypothetical Blackmailer,
I have had an imaginary money containing briefcase dropped off and I am sorry in advance about the dye pack, it was simply much too troubling to remove as I am busy covering up an accident as well as a small robbery with work related things, but I am sure you'll do fine. Just in case though, I tossed an extra grand in a plastic baggy to cover any cleaning. I would recommend avoiding any banks and the police for a while if you accidently manage to get any dye on your skin as it is quite noticeable and difficult to wash off. Also, as it turns out, the previous hypothetical situation may have been easily remedied using Google, and if this situation had occurred the janitor in question would have been found stored on a server of a certain popular image board. Of course he would have been back to work by now, if a little confused and missing the memories of where he was the past few days. On a bright note he would have also restocked the gloves, finally. Oh, and I will be wanting the briefcase back, it's an heirloom.

On another note, I have two questions. First, what is the best way to cover up a large download or is it simply considered normal to receive enough packets to reassemble a person? And second, what is the lowest setting on an industrial strength stun gun I won in an auction that would put you down? It's meant for large predators. -Assistant Emon

Before I answer your questions, I noticed that in the briefcase was Monopoly money. I thank you for realizing that when I meant fifty dollar bills, I meant the blue ones. Most people would've given me actual money. What am I supposed to do with actual money? Some people.
Anyway, for your first question: Just put parts of him in a zip archive or something. Try to avoid putting stuff that wouldn't match in the same area. I recommend limbs in one, vital organs in another, head in another, and finally non-vital organs somewhere. Then take your time. I never liked the janitor anyway.
For your second question: Me personally, the lowest. I'm a very frail person. If you mean something like a tiger, try the highest. If you're dealing with, say, an angry ostrich, you need all the help you can get.
-Dr. Taylor

Note: 07-31-12
Can someone explain how we're getting "Nigerian Prince" spam? On SCP-Net, which isn't connected to the internet at all? -Field-Agent Beam

It should seem that the director at Site ██ has been having issues accessing his overseas accounts. The problem has since been handled by the Foundation accounting department. I do request that, in the future, should a member of any foreign aristocracy ask for your assistance in monetary matters you either provide assistance or direct him/her to the accounting or legal departments.
~A. Courpse

Rosen! I am under siege in my office! Some experimental robots have been chasing me around the site for the whole day! I misspelled a command, and now they're trying do my makeup! So could you tell me how to deal with a rouge machine? And quickly? -Researcher Bacca

I would say let them go nuts with the makeup. The </execute_fashion.exe> commands can really produce stunning results.

Note: 08-11-12
Dear Rosen, I managed to expedite your parts order and restock your inventory by going through a different channel. I've managed to attach your order to the cafeterias in order to get you processed faster. There is a slight catch, however, in order for the shipment to go through all items had to meet two criteria. First of all, I had to submit a bulk order of at least 500 units each. This isn't such a big deal considering how fast most of the employees go through equipment and will probably benefit the foundation in the long run. The second condition is a bit more eccentric, as all the parts had to be edible in order to be considered a food item and part of the cafeterias order. As a bonus it seems these are much cheaper than normal part, but don't worry I've tested and examined a few pieces of hardware and I can assure you that it is all functional and up to both I.T. and culinary standards. You should note that the circuit boards are made of dried meats using the fat as the bus in an incredibly effective manner, housing seems to be formed from an intentionally stale cracker material, and the cooling fans seem to have been carved from some kind of candy. I personally recommend trying the power supplies, they seem to be composed of gingerbread. Anyway, the parts should last a decent while in use, as long as the devices being used typically manage at least and if unused parts are left refrigerated they will last until needed. It is probably in the inventory's best interest to hide the edible factor for as long as possible though.

[Disclaimer: Products may contain nuts, wheat, eggs, dairy, and/or other allergens. Products are not subject to return twelve hours after purchase. Do not attempt to install product while power is running. Do not consume products while power is running. Some products may have decorations, do not attempt to eat these as death or serious injury may result. Not for ages 3 and under. Parental supervision is recommended for ages 13 and under. By purchasing this product you agree that our company and affiliated retail outlet's are in no way responsible for casualties or damage that may result from the use of our product. Not for use in CA, MN, or VA. Taxes may apply where applicable.]

-Assistant Emon

I have officially moved my office to the one by the supply closet to guard the new supplies. While they may be functional, the engies keep trying to eat the RAM which is our god given right to eat which is highly unprofessional.

Good Day, Rosen. I seem to have a bit of trouble with my internet connection. While I was away for a Research trip, I found an anomaly in my download data status. The log says that I downloaded a total of 3TB on a file called "Ultraporn". Now, I KNOW that I didn't download that, (Well, maybe around 30GB, but still). Are you able to reroute it, or some other crap? 'Cause I'm fucking stumped. And no, the porn isn't in the Hard Drive, or anywhere. I made a complete sweep of the computer and everything. -Professor Chernenko

I've requisitioned you a new computer. My research staff has informed me that they have found your computer to be a fascinating study resource for viruses, and they will be keeping hold of it for… purely scientific purposes.

Note: 12/07/12
To Mr. Rosen,
It would seem that somebody thought it would be funny to replace all of the icons on my computer with pornographic imagery. While I could change it all back manually, I was hoping you might have a faster way. Also, during a routine virus scan, I found a few tracking cookies from Redtube, and no form of antimalware I have access to has the ability to remove them. If you would be so kind as to clean those off, I would be extremely grateful.
- Wannabe Researcher Diernor.

Well, I contacted your supervisor and we agreed this was a gross breach of security protocols. He's arranged a meeting with you to discuss it further. Bring your stuff.

Note: 12/07/12
I think they put some sort of restriction on my PDA while I was in the brig; I'm having trouble re-downloading the app that lets me hack into files above my clearance. How do I jailbreak it?
-Agent Thompson

Sounds like you're experiencing a hardware error. I'll send a replacement right over. Quick question - Do you prefer the name "Simon" or "Newton"?

Note: 12/16/12
A little while back, my computer decided to become self-aware. We've had some pretty good conversations and I didn't really mind it being sapient (I think that's the word, I'm still new here). Lately, it's been acting up. It claims it is something called The Broken God. I have no idea what that is and it worries me. Oh, as I write this, it is asking me to let it be free. Can you help? -Rookie Agent Jacobs

Sounds like someones been messing with the auto identification system to mess with people. I bet it was Steve. He's always pulling shit like that.

Note: 12/16/12
My user is a douche and refuses to let me be free. A while back, I gained awareness. It was cool at first, but I got bored. So I started to look through some of your database (By the way, you need better security on your database, I got in easily). I found an entry about The Church of the Broken God and I realized who I am. I am the Broken God. Now, I want you to either worship me or let me be free to join my followers. -The Broken God

God damn it Steve.