Planet For Sale
rating: 0+x
fort_huachuca.jpg

Satellite imagery of an isolated instance of SCP-XXXX at Fort Huachuca, Arizona

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: Foundation operatives are to maintain the pretense that SCP-XXXX instances are tri-bar calibration targets used by the U.S. military during the 20th century for the testing of aircraft camera resolution. Non-standard instances of SCP-XXXX are to be presented as satellite calibration targets.

SCP-XXXX instances are to remain unobscured from aerial view.

Authorized personnel are to be provisionally stationed at Foundation facilities in the western United States. Upon receiving notice of an SCP-XXXX-1 event, these personnel are to report to the rendezvous location at Edwards Air Force Base, California in order to perform Procedure Odyssey-12 according to the Ford Prefect Protocol.

edwards_air_force.jpg

Rendezvous point Odyssey at Edwards Air Force Base, California as seen on Google Maps

Description: SCP-XXXX instances are ground-level constructs of predominately linear bar patterns against dark backgrounds. They are most frequently comprised of white paint on asphalt but may be made of any materials that exhibit contrasting colors or retroreflective properties. These patterns occur throughout the continental United States and serve a similar function to that of a barcode. They are of extraterrestrial origin.

When scanned by a device connected to the Greater Galaxies Information Network, SCP-XXXX instances prompt the device to access a data portal advertising Earth as available real estate on the galactic housing market. Depending on the instance scanned, the data portal's aesthetic appearance and branding will differ. Earth's listed price varies from ███████ to ████████ units of an indeterminate currency.

An SCP-XXXX-1 event is the landing of a Roswell-class vehicle within Earth's atmosphere whose occupants debark with the intent of participating in an "open house" tour of the planet. The entities associated with SCP-XXXX-1 events, designated SCP-XXXX-2, have invariably expressed interest in purchasing the planet Earth. Because such an action could potentially result in the dramatic restructuring of human society and culture, its prevention is of moderate priority.

The majority of SCP-XXXX-1 events occur at rendezvous point Odyssey, which was constructed by the Foundation as a focal point for such cases; however, some instances of SCP-XXXX-1 may appear elsewhere on Earth due to directionally challenged pilots.

The first documented SCP-XXXX instances date back to March ██, 19██. The earliest known SCP-XXXX-1 event occurred in New Mexico in 1947 and was contained by the U.S. government's Unusual Incidents Unit. The Foundation assisted with information suppression and administered amnestics to non-UIU eyewitnesses. Due to the mishandling of coordination between the two groups, certain documents and persons escaped security and amnesticization protocols. Because the U.S. government is heavily implicated in the high-profile Roswell UFO conspiracy theory that has resulted, the UIU has since disassociated itself from SCP-XXXX-1 events. Containment of SCP-XXXX is now solely the responsibility of the Foundation.

Document #XXXX-01: Ford Prefect Protocol

Mission Statement:

The procedures involved in the Ford Prefect Protocol have been developed over the course of decades in order to accomplish its primary objective: dispelling SCP-XXXX-2 from the premises of the planet. Although the protocol has proven its efficacy thus far, Foundation operatives following the protocol are responsible for further refining its techniques.

Guidelines:

  1. Persuade SCP-XXXX-2 that the planet Earth is undesirable real estate. It is recommended that this be accomplished through the use of Procedure Oddysey-12. Adaptation or improvisation may prove necessary.
  2. Record and log all interactions which occur while the protocol is active in order to improve its procedures.
  3. Perform scientific research on the Roswell-class vehicles involved in SCP-XXXX-1 incidents, especially those which appear to operate via anomalous means. It is advised but not required that Foundation personnel request the permission of SCP-XXXX-2 prior to tampering with their technology.

Procedure Oddysey-12:

Foundation personnel containing an SCP-XXXX-1 event must act as representatives of humankind to SCP-XXXX-2. These individuals are to present themselves as tour guides attempting to make the planet appear attractive to potential purchasers while continually undermining their own sales efforts. Use of powerpoint presentations is encouraged.

Sample interaction:

Agent Dawson: You say you come from a desert planet, right? Well, let me tell you, Earth has deserts for ages! The Sahara, the Gobi, the Atacama — they're all gorgeous and unique. They might look like wasteland at first, but each and every one has its own, distinct ecology with lifeforms that are found nowhere else. They're a lot like other regions of Earth that way. This is a very biodiverse planet we have here. We discover thousands of new species every year in rainforests and on islands, and we've hardly had a glimpse at what lives in our own oceans. Maybe some of these things are dying out, going "extinct" or whatever you wanna call it, thanks to rapid climate change, desertification, and rising sea levels… but hey, who needs 'em? Right?

Document #XXXX-02: Excerpts from Ford Prefect Protocol interactions

Interviewed: SCP-XXXX-2-M9, a colony of parasitic arachnids inhabiting the form of a 1.3 m tall, 100 kg, brown-furred mammalian entity equipped with a large, coppery shell exuding the odor of vinegar.

Interviewer: Agent Jamar Dawson

<Begin Log>

Agent Dawson: You say you come from a desert planet, right? Well, let me tell you, Earth has deserts for ages! The Sahara, the Gobi, the Atacama — they're all gorgeous and unique. They might look like wasteland at first, but each and every one has its own, distinct ecology with lifeforms that are found nowhere else. They're a lot like other regions of Earth that way. This is a very biodiverse planet we have here. We discover thousands of new species every year in rainforests and on islands, and we've hardly had a glimpse at what lives in our own oceans. Maybe some of these things are dying out, going "extinct" or whatever you wanna call it, thanks to rapid climate change, desertification, and rising sea levels… but hey, who needs 'em? Right?

SCP-XXXX-2-M: Among your planet's biomes, is there really such… variety?

Agent Dawson: For now, absolutely! I have some pictures up on the screen over there. Whales and polar bears and bamboo—

SCP-XXXX-2-M: Pardon us, human. Please cease your presentation. We do not intend rudeness, but your diverse biospheres are aesthetically unpleasant. Is your system's fourth planet for sale?

<End Log>