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Item #: SPC-001

Object Class: Double Spielberg

Shark Punching Contingencies: All SPC agents, both active and retired, are to be conscripted into combatting the effects of SPC-001. All punch-assisted superweapons, be they barely tested or burdened with massive collateral damage, are to called into service. This is not a drill people.

Description: SPC-001 is a sapient entity or entities capable of initiating and exerting control over all shark-related phenomena on Earth and in all regions of space observable thus far by modern scientific methods. SPC-001 is hostile, and is believed to be motivated by a desire to cause as much suffering to the Shark Punching Centre as possible. The methodology of SPC-001 in achieving this goal is the alteration of all shark-based anomalies to make shark-punching as difficult as possible.

Since the failure of SPC-2798 ("Project Selachian"), SPC-001 has been rapidly altering all selachian anomalies documented by the Centre. An incomplete list of the altered anomalies is below.

Addendum 001 - Post-Selachian Anomaly Documentation:

Affected Item Pre-Selachian Description Post-Selachian Description Are Sharks Being Punched?
SPC-087 An unending stairwell located at ████████ University, host to a Great White Shark. Shark is not considered threatening as it is unable to climb stairs. An unending escalator located at ████████ University, host to a Great White Shark. Y
SPC-108 An abandoned bunker system of Nazi German construction accessible through the mouth of a Basking Shark. An abandoned bunker system of Nazi German construction accessible through the mouth of a Basking Shark, filled to the brim with Nazi Sharks. Notice: The waiting list for punching SPC-108 is currently booked out for the next sixteen years. Y
SPC-426 I am a Great White Shark that causes all attempts to describe me to be in the first person. Studying me is difficult as any Centre members discussing me end up punching themselves in the face. You are a shark. You motherfucker. N
SPC-583 Anomalous video recording of an unknown performance of Sesame Street Live that causes viewers to perceive all film narratives as Jaws (1975). Anomalous video recording of an unknown performance of Sesame Street Live that causes viewers to perceive all film narratives as Jaws: The Revenge (1987). Y
SPC-662 A silver handbell that, when rung, summons a hammerhead shark. A silver handbell that, when rung, teleports the user to a shark-infested patch of ocean off the Cape of Good Hope. Y
SPC-993 Anomalous television program styled as a children's show titled "Bobble the Clown," featuring a shark dressed as a clown as the titular character, who encourages and advocates acts of violence and depravity. Fucking clown sharks man! How could they get any worse!? N
SPC-1247 A human male with an anomalous condition causing him to perceive all sharks, shark parts, and shark matter as American actor Shia LaBeouf. An anomalous condition affecting all SPC members causing them to perceive American actor Shia LaBeouf as a shark. No change in Punching Contingencies is necessary. Y
SPC-1543 An unassigned phone number that, when dialled, reaches a human subject in an unknown, parallel plane of existence inhabited by an unknown species of shark. An unassigned phone number that, when dialled, reaches the abandoned romantic partner of whatever SPC operative has called the number. The former loved one will tearfully beg the SPC operative to give up “this shark punching thing” and help raise their children. N
SPC-1875 An anachronistic automated chess playing machine, powered by a processor consisting of neural tissue from two bull sharks. SPC-1875 is capable of anomalous interference in local electronic networks, and has been known to transmit an image displaying high-level cognitohazardous effects. Non-formatted cell N
SPC-2002 A time-travelling vessel containing nearly 1000 fertilized embryos designed to save humanity from a future sterilization plague. SPC-2002 was shot down by the Centre after determining that it had no applications for shark punching. A time-travelling vessel containing the cure for cancer, seven lost David Bowie albums, and nearly 1000 fertilized shark embryos. Termination order pending. N
SPC-2269 An elderly woman inhabited by over 20,000 spider-shark hybrids. [endless screaming] N
SPC-3000 A 900-kilometre long shark with massive amnestic properties. Wait, what was I doing again? I don't remember.