Salman Corbette 2

[21:52] Voct it's called
[21:52] Voct "the Saddest Necrophile"
[21:52] Salmander ok
[21:53] Voct it's about a man who ohas the anomalous ability to raise the dead and heal them of all their injuries[21:53] Voct this happens whenever he assfucks them
[21:53] Voct he is not happy
[21:53] Voct he was caught in a mortuary
[21:53] Voct he'd been molesting a corpse, and she came back to life, and freaked out
[21:53] Voct and then HE freaked out
[21:53] Voct etc, etc
[21:53] Voct the Foundation considered using him to resurrect useful agents who die on missions
[21:53] Voct but
[21:54] Voct leaving aside the morale issues inherent in telling your agents "we're going to have an SCP rape your corpse for your own good"
[21:54] Salmander hmmm
[21:54] Voct well, if he did that, then there'd be the risk of cross-contamination
[21:54] Voct so instead, we use him for interrogations
[21:54] Voct let's say we've just repulsed an attack by the Chaos Insurgency
[21:54] Voct and captured five Insurgents
[21:54] Voct but they all had cyanide capsules
[21:54] Voct go get SCP-1888, see when he last ejaculated
[21:55] Voct that's another point, by the way
[21:55] Voct he has a normal refractory period
[21:55] Voct you know "refractory period"
[21:55] Salmander yep
[21:55] Voct great
[21:55] Voct let's see, what else
[21:55] Voct oh, another reason he's utterly miserable
[21:55] Voct is that the Foundation keeps bringing him MALE corpses
[21:55] Voct and he's very defintiely not gay
[21:56] Salmander k
[21:56] Voct "here's an insurgent. Get going, pervert." "….aw, come on! Can't you at least…. I dunno, give this one a blond wig? Maybe some lipstick?
[21:56] Voct "

The Saddest Necrophiliac

rating: 0+x

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: [Paragraphs explaining the procedures]

Description: [Paragraphs explaining the description]

Addendum: [Optional additional paragraphs]


Toilet Owl Returns

rating: 0+x
there-s-an-owl-in-the-toilet.jpg
SCP-1860 instance discovered prior to nesting

Item #: SCP-1860

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: Sweeps by designated Site-36 personnel are to be performed monthly for instances of SCP-1860 inhabiting areas surrounding Site-36. Janitorial teams are instructed to report any instances of SCP-1860 found in Site-36 washrooms to these designated personnel. Eradication of SCP-1860 follows basic pest control guidelines. Due to the current excess in SCP-1860, extermination of SCP-1860 is allowed and encouraged in large outbreaks.

Please check with Site-36 administration to see if you are on owl Duty for this month. - Site Director Jammel

Description: SCP-1860 is a species of owl belonging to the genus Megascops, dubbed Megascops latrina by Dr. Vikes. SCP-1860 is suspected as having been the creation of SCP-████ during its containment breach from Site-36 on October 12, 1995. SCP-████ interacted with several species of wildlife, including Megascops kennicotti during its breach. While most wildlife suffered immediate death from SCP-████'s effects, Megascops kennicotti underwent a Class-2 Coloured Wind scenario, producing SCP-1860.

SCP-1860 differs little in its physiology from Megascops kennicotti; however its behaviour has been altered remarkably. SCP-1860 will behave normally for the majority of its early lifespan, however once a female instance of SCP-1860 has mated it will attempt to sneak or break into a human dwelling. There, it will find the nearest damp, bowl-like area (typically a sink, toilet bowl, bathtub or shower floor) to begin nesting. SCP-1860 will construct its nest out of buoyant materials such as sponges, sticks, empty toiletry bottles and tampons, and then lay its eggs. While inside a human dwelling, SCP-1860 will feed upon leftovers and insects that may have strayed into the household, and will feed its chicks through regurgitation. SCP-1860's chicks are completely mute, possibly and adaptation to reduce discovery. Chicks that have matured will depart the nest and return to typical behaviour.

SCP-1860 can be differentiated from Megascops kennicotti by its grey plumage and more prominent horns.

It is unknown how propagation and expansion of SCP-1860 is possible, given that it is easy to discover and eradicate from a household. While outhouses and unused guest washrooms may allow it to go unnoticed for extended periods of time, SCP-1860's observed propagation far outreaches predictions by Foundation biologists. SCP-1860 is commonly found infesting washrooms throughout Site-36 as well as surrounding towns. For this reason SCP-1860 is classified as highly anomalous and Euclid, due to its illogical propagation and behaviour.

SCP-1860 is regarded as a pest by Foundation personnel, causing major plumbing problems throughout Site-36. There also exists anecdotal accounts of SCP-1860 chicks regarding the testicles of personnel as insects being dangled by their mothers. Site-36 has hence adopted a "Check the poop deck" policy.


Ghost Butt

rating: 0+x

Item #: SCP-002-J

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: [Paragraphs explaining the procedures]

Description: SCP-002-J is a parasitic anomaly that infects phantasmic, sapient entities. It is a large, incorporeal mass resembling a human rear that infects the entity's posterior. SCP-002-J will latch onto the posterior and grow. After a period of 4 months it will reach its maximum size and "fart", releasing ectoplasmic spores. These spores infect the posteriors of other phantasmic entities, continuing SCP-002-J's life cycle. SCP-002-J is highly irritating to phantasmic entities, however no cure has been found for SCP-002-J infection aside from its eventual "fart" and "death". Each instance of SCP-002-J is sapient and capable of communication.

Addendum 002-J-1: Experiment Log:

Format:

SCP Item Infected:

Observations:

SCP Item Infected: SCP-797

Observations: SCP-002-J began to grow on SCP-797, out-growing the object itself within 2 weeks. SCP-002-J would repeatedly refer to SCP-797 as a "necrophiliac, blue balled douche-twat", causing SCP-797 to enter a rage state.

SCP Item Infected: SCP-1277

Observations: The skeleton near SCP-1277 grew SCP-002-J. SCP-002-J frequently complained about receiving no exercise. SCP-1277's requests for water became interspersed with requests for "Preparation H."

SCP Item Infected: SCP-1777

Observations: SCP-1777 had a pair of buttocks grow over the posterior of its armor. Upon appearing, SCP-1777 would ask a royal descendant, in Latin, to please remove the SCP-002-J. SCP-002-J would then remark "Cut your fag talk, Georgie-boy!"

SCP Item Infected: SCP-096

Observations: See addendum 002-J-2

SCP Item Infected: SCP-329-J

Observations: In spite of predicted hostilities, both entities repeatedly engaged in insightful and engaging discussion regarding what it meant to be a "ghost".

SCP Item Infected: SCP-789-J

Observations: Class-4 Existential Paradox, [DATA EXPUNGED] "Ghost Butt Ghosts".

Addendum 002-J-2: Image file


The KITTEN KILLER

rating: 0+x

Item #: SCP-2394-J

Object Class: Euclid

Description: SCP-2394-J is a robotic entity 3 meters in height. SCP-2394-J hosts a large variety of weapons including a sword, a rocket launcher, a shotgun, a spear, etc. The current amount of weapons hosted by SCP-2394-J appears to be infinite.

Addendum 2394-J-1: Experiment log

Typo made: "Conglomeration" as "Conglamoration"

Reaction by SCP-2394-J: Slowly saws a tawny kitten along its midsection then pulls it apart halfway through

Typo made: "They're" as "their"

Reaction by SCP-2394-J: Launches a rocket at a turtle shell kitten. Clean up takes 4 hours.

Typo made: "SCP" as "SPC"

Reaction by SCP-2394-J: Steadily punches a tabby kitten until death.

Typo made: "It's" as "Its"

Reaction by SCP-2394-J: 10 kittens appear. All are struck repeatedly with meat tenderizers until death.


Dr. Wondertaniment®'s Insta-teen Tablets™

rating: 0+x

Item #: SCP-1642

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: All discovered instances are to be stored in Containment Locker C243 at Site-24. Access to SCP-1642 will only be granted to personnel of clearance level 3 or higher. Written permission from personnel with a clearance level of 3 or higher is not adequate for access.

Description: SCP-1642 is a collection of 500 mg chewable tablets. These tablets vary in colour1 and flavour2, however their effect remains the same. SCP-1642 come in packets of 6, and are contained in a sleeve. The packaging reads "Dr. Wondertaniment®'s Insta-teen Tablets™". The backing reads as following:

Hey kids! Have you ever wanted to know what it feels like to be grown up!? And adults, have you ever wanted to feel young again!? Well now you can get both with Dr. Wondertaniment®'s Insta-teen Tablets™! Just pop one of these chewable tablets into your mouth and begin munching away! Within 20 minutes you'll find you're living the life of a teen once again!!

Warning: Only take one tablet at a time. Do not take if pregnant. Dr. Wondertainment® is not responsible for any existential crisis or loss of life that may occur.

When ingested by either a person of age 20 or older, or a child 14 or younger, the subject will undergo a quick transformation into a stage of late pubescence, approximately 18 or 19 years of age. How this process occurs is not understood, however the change is extensive; fat is moved to the lips and buttocks, bones become less brittle, muscles become more toned, and hair is regrown. Analysis of blood samples has shown that hormone levels are typical of a late pubescent. These changes will revert within 12 hours.

Taking more than one tablet results in additional changes to areas of the brain connected with aging and maturity, as well as the hypothalmus and pituitary glands. Typically these will cause anxiety attacks, an uncontrollable libido, mental disorders involving self-image3, immature or reckless behaviour, and the appearance of other physical diseases associated with puberty such as Acne vulgaris. The severity of these symptoms is directly correlated to the amount of the overdose, with subjects ingesting 4 or more tablets becoming comatose due to extensive brain damage. These changes are irreversible once the subject reverts. Testing has not been conducted over along enough time period to determine if children who have had these symptoms due to overdose will lose them at the end of natural puberty.

Pregnant women ingesting SCP-1642 will experience its effects. However, the foetus4 will also be affected by SCP-1642. This will inevitably cause the death of the mother as the embryo rapidly expands. Once the embryo is has become a late-pubescent teen, it will remain alive until it ceases to be affected by SCP-1642, at which point it will die. Note, however, that while in its late teen state, the foetus is not mentally developed, and will behave as such.


Frat Ferrets

rating: 0+x
800px-Southdakota2008_860.jpg
SCP-1762-445 spying on SCP-1762-506

Item #: SCP-1762

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: Site-127 has been established to observe SCP-1762. No unidentified vehicles or persons are to be allowed entry past Site-127's fenceline. Researchers are not to accept anything offered to them by any members of SCP-1762. Personnel suspecting a colleague of becoming too friendly with males of SCP-1762 are to report the colleague to Site Director Fredericks immediately.

Description: SCP-1762 is a population of Mustela nigripes, the black-footed ferret, inhabiting Southern Utah. All members of SCP-1762 are designated SCP-1762-1 through - 89. While displaying identical physiology to other black-footed ferrets, all male members of SCP-1762 display sapience and the ability to speak in common English. They speak in a typical Yankee accent. Males will speak freely with each other, females of their species, and humans.

Male members of SCP-1762, while possessing solitary habitats (except when mating), are highly social during active times. When not hunting, males will gather into large parties. Males will then drink alcoholic beverages and socialize between one another. Topics of conversation typically range from females to sports. How males of SCP-1762 have knowledge of sports or where they obtain their alcoholic beverages are unknown. Several ferrets will drag in bottles of beer labeled "Ferret Fuel". In spite of their small size, males show little difficulty in opening and drinking from the bottles.

Males of SCP-1762 will frequently harass females of any species. Males will frequently call females "sluts" and "bitches" following a period of mating. Previous to female personnel being disallowed from work at Site-127, males conducted several "panty-raids", resulting in several different female personnel's undergarments being displayed on SCP-1762's perimeter fence.

Human males are susceptible to a certain charisma presented by males of SCP-1762. Eventually this may lead to the male referring to the males as "bros" or "homies". This state can be extremely dangerous. For more information refer to Addendum.

Addendum: Incident 1762-5:

SCP Items Involved: SCP-1762

Personnel Involved: Dr. Larkins

Description: Dr. Larkins had been assigned to directly observe and interact with SCP-1762 due to his previous work with population-based anomalies. He spoke with every male of SCP-1762 and directly observed several mating sessions. On July 7, Dr. Larkins told colleagues he was going to attend a "party". He was discovered with the males of SCP-1762 at approximately 22:03, on all fours, discussing the "rack" of Janette7. Personnel became extremely concerned when Dr. larkins began ingesting "Ferret Fuel". They attempted to remove Dr. Larkins to Site-127, however Dr. Larkins reportedly screamed "Can't you see I'm just chilling with my bros?" and bit Researcher Rotal on the leg before fleeing, once again on all fours. Researchers attemped to pursue, however several males began to attack researchers, shouting "Hey, let him walk it off." and "Bro just wants to live the ferret life." Dr. Larkins was found dead 2 days later. He had suffocated after sticking his head into a prairie dog burrow, most likely in pursuit of prey.


The Shower Murderer

rating: 0+x

Item #: SCP-376-J

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: As containment of SCP-376-J has not yet been achieved, researchers are advised to instead check behind the shower curtain before defecating, just in case SCP-376-J is present.

Description: SCP-376-J is a humanoid entity approximately 2 meters in height, and is most likely male. SCP-376-J is vaguely described as possessing "angry eyes", "dark clothing", and a general malevolence towards human life. SCP-376-J always has an ax or hatchet in its possession, which it supposedly uses to attack subjects.

SCP-376-J will appear and wait behind shower curtains in domestic washrooms, typically in the middle of the night. When subjects enter the washroom they will become fully aware of SCP-376-J, including its malevolence. Subjects will typically remove or peak around the curtain, at which point SCP-376-J will vanish.

SCP-376-J has been found more likely to appear after viewings of Hollywood Film The Shining, where subjects report a 70% increase in the probability of SCP-376-J exclaiming "Here's Johnny!" before attacking.

Addendum: We are also conducting an investigation of an entity possibly related to this item. It appears in the closets of domestic bedrooms at night and breathes just loudly enough to be heard every fourth or fifth breath. - Dr. James


The Sculptuer

rating: 0+x
SCP-173-dick.jpg
the Sculptuer LOL GAY

this scp is by me xXxd0ct0r~jamesxXx n i put hard work in it. dont be a h8er cuz i had my frend eric edit it so teh speling is good

xXxXxXx

Item #: The Sculptuer8

Object Class: euclid9

Special Containment Procedures: The sculpture is soooo super scary so put in a cube made of TITANIUM thats locked. We need 3 guys for it10 whenever we enter. 2 guys need to look at it the whole time.

Description: THE SCULPTURE was moved to site 19 in 1993, but its past is dark and mysterious. Some say it was an orphan, others say it killed its own parents. Nobody really knows11, except that hsi dark eyes pierce the raven dark knight in search of love.12 The sculpture is alive and is extremely hospitable. It cant move when any of said person is looking directly or indirectly at the sculpture. Line of sight of the said person cannot be broken or changed when looking directly or indirectly at the sculpture. Staff looking directly or indirectly at teh sculpture are to inform otehr staff that they are about to blink while looking directly or indirectly at eth sculpture13 The Sculpture will move as quick as lighnting [REDACTED CUZ GOER] in the event of an attack staff are to observe the proper protocol.14

Teh sculpture makes noise inside its cell when it is left alone because its father hates him and took away hsi phone even though he only smoked one cigarette.15 staff should leave the sculpture alone because nobody understand it or how its feeling.

The sculptrue cries blood and its tears cover the floor because its so sad and mysterious.

Addendum:

James, you're grounded. - Dad

I hate you, you don't understand me!! - Junior Researcher James


All I want for Christmas is Poo

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I know
I don't care about the plunger
Sitting beside my toilet bowl

I just want poo for my own,
Please go sit down and send on,
A big pile of doo-doo,
All I want for Christmas,
Is poo

I don't want a lot for Christmas,
But sitting here in this bowl,
I know there's another Butt Ghost,
Crying out "Wait, stop no!"

I don't need a brush for scrubbing,
Nor some nice, clean lemon pledge,
I don't need no toilet paper,
For cleaning up this piss-stained edge

I just want poo here with me,
More than any barf or pee,
Now shit in here dude,
All I want for Christmas is poo

Poo baby

Oh I won't ask for much this Christmas,
Not even a shaven ass,
Even Mariah Carey's booty,
Can just get up and take a pass

I won't make a list and send it,
Down this nasty toilet drain,
I won't even haunt a nice butt,
Going on a North Pole plane

I just want you to excrete,
Feces all over this seat,
Don't think me a prude,
All I want for Christmas is poo

Poo

Just sit on the ol' john,
Oh yes that toilet there,
And let he sound of farting,
Fill up the winter's air

And everyone is pooping,
I hear those great logs splooshing,
2412-J, Won't you bring some shit to me?
I just really want some nice poopy

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas,
And although this leaves me flushed,
I just want some nice Lincoln logs,
Coming out your lovely tush

I just want some excrement,
It would feel heaven-sent,
Do it or I'll haunt you,
All I want for Christmas is poo

Poo baby


Rex Sponge's Revealing Revelations 2: Breanne Dact and the Curious Canon Catastrophe

Rex Sponge felt a chill crawl up his spine as he knocked on the door. Rex had thought she was dead. How could she still be alive after what happened? And yet, he had received a message from her phone telling him to meet her here. He sharply inhaled and knocked again.

The door opened. Rex's eyes widened. So Breanne was still alive.

"Hello Rexy," said Breanne, touching his face. Her thumb moved along his face, feeling various scars that had developed from the years they'd been separate, "How are you?"

"I'm… fine," he replied, "Why did you call me here?"

"I'm great, thanks for asking," Breanne said, turning around and walking back inside, "Tea?"

"I'm not here to play games, Breanne!" Rex bellowed, his face alight with impatience.

"You'll get your vengeance soon enough, Rexy." Breanne began making tea. "For now, why don't we catch up?"

"What do you want to know?" Rex snarled.

"How ya been?" Breanne walked up to Rex again, running her fingers along his chiseled chest and feeling his 5 o'clock shadow.

"I was cut up a bit by 682's regeneration drones and then an O5 caught me."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Yeah, I was facing him down for his reality bender status and he managed to trick me o-"

"No, not that. I mean the bit about 682's… whatever," Breanna stared at Rex, confused.

"682's regeneration drones. You know, the invisible drones that repair him when he gets damaged."

"Um… no…? 682 is a spirit from another dimension who heals through sheer willpower!" Breanne looked into Rex's eyes, worried.

"Breanne, you're missing the point here! O5-7 is a technopath who-"

"No, she's a short Asian woman who does good kung-fu…"

"I'm pretty sure he's a technopath."

"Well what about 173? Next thing you're gonna tell me he doesn't kill his victims trying to force their eyes open."

"Well, duh! He likes the crunching sound!"

"Well ok Mr. 'I know everything'."

"Speaking of misters, what the hell happened to Mr. Redd?"

"He was discontinued."

"No, but I mean, all the Misters are former Foundation agents, how the hell could any of them be 'discontinued'?"

"Well, I dunno, he just… was."

"And what about 231?"

"Oh, yeah, turns out her babies were made in some kind of cult thing."

"And Montauk?"

"Well there's something about a trumpet… I think?"

"I'm pretty sure there was an elephant…"

"An elephant playing the trumpet? That isn't torturous!"

"Well Bright told me-"

"Man, fuck that monkey!"

"Monkey? Pretty sure he inhabits human bodies."

"That was only in the RP."

"Still counts!"

"Oh, go to Clef!"

"What?"

"Clef, you know, the devil?"

"What the hell are you talking about? The devil is an imprisoned -J!"

"No, that's a demon!"

"Oh… well… you got me there actually. But that can't be true, Kondraki killed Clef!"

"No, Clef killed Kondraki! Remember the whole bit with the telekill?"

"Telekill? Nobody uses telekill anymore, it inhibits mental functioning!"

"When did this happen?"

"Scantron rewrote it, like, a year ago."

"Who?"

"You know, Scantron, a writer. I thought we all became aware of the meta universe of writers who create us!"

"No, we haven't officially broken the 4th wall yet!"

"Well who the hell makes these official decisions anyways?"

"That's a… good question." Breanne breathed in slowly. "Maybe we should… think things over."

"Yeah. I'm just… glad to see you again." Rex smiled and hugged Breanne.

Suddenly their was a huge crash and the couple was sent flying. A junior researcher director doctor agent stood in the middle of the rubble.

"I AM JAMES!"

To add:

[19:53] Roget Soulberg
[19:53] Roget steve
[19:53] Roget 1981
[19:53] Roget humans go home
[19:53] Roget uhhhh
[19:53] Roget wikidot shitting itself all the time
[19:53] Roget containment breach
[19:54] Roget Iris being rewritten


Contagious Scantron Disease

rating: 0+x

Item #: SCP-1292

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: All machines found affected by SCP-1292 are to be dismantled and incinerated, with the exceptions of SCP-1292-3, SCP-1292-7, and SCP-1292-9, which are to be kept in Containment Locker 2039 at Site-24. If an outbreak of SCP-1292 is to occur in a civilian area, Protocol Meta-F is to be followed.

Description: SCP-1292 is an electronic fault spread between Scantron brand multiple-choice scanning devices. While the route of transfer is unknown at this time, the fault has been found to spread between scanners connected on the same network, electrical circuit, or directly. It may also be spread between machines which are kept within 30 meters of each other in open space, regardless of being activated. This fault may take several weeks to affect the operations of the machine, making it difficult to quarantine.

Once affected, the machine will take an abnormally long amount of time in marking a multiple-choice sheet, and may have one or several effects emerge while marking:

  • One in four or five questions will be marked incorrect, seemingly randomly
  • The machine will only read dots filled in with a #3 HB Pencil
  • Specific dots will be marked incorrectly in order to spell out words such as "CAB" "BAD" and "BED"
  • Every answer will be marked incorrect
  • The machine may fill in dots creating diagonal, horizontal, or vertical lines
  • The test may remain unmarked

SCP-1292 is incurable, regardless of reset of the machine. Due to SCP-1292's latency period, researchers are unsure if it has been quarantined.

Addendum: SCP-1292-7, a Scantron brand machine with a digital display, was tested. The following was displayed while the machine was marking:

… … …
SIGH
… … …
MAN
I DIDNT STUDY
THE ANSWERS
TO THIS
… … …
DID WE EVEN
LEARN THIS?
… … …
… … …
SOOOO BORED
… … …
I DONT EVEN
CARE ILL JUST
BOMB THIS AND
GO PLAY COD


Strangely Pigmented Hermit

town1.jpg
MTF Omega-17 securing SCP-025-J-7
rating: 0+x

Item #: SCP-025-J

Object Class: Scrooge

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-025-J is to be contained,
On top of Mount Crumpter, where he will be constrained.
In case of a breach personnel are to use,
SCP-2234 (A kontaining kartuze).

Description: 025-J is a Who demonstrating a strange pigmentation that causes him to appear green,
Speculation by researchers has led to the conclusion that this is because he is so mean,
025-J hates Christmas, the whole holiday season,
But as to why he demonstrates this behaviour there is a lack of reason

Researchers have speculated it may be because his shoes are on too tight,
Or it may be that the subject's cranial region is not screwed in quite right,
But they have concluded the biggest reason of all,
Is that 025-J's cardiovascular system is two sizes too small

025-J was discovered in northern Whoville by Agent Lou Who,
Who gained SCP-025-J's trust by appearing no more than two,
She interrogated 025-J about his Christmas tree theft,
At which point she placed 025-J under house arrest

Addendum:

This SCP is a threat to all Christams joy,
He could sneak in and steal all of our Christmas toys,
And our trees and our stockings and even the roast beast,
He could ruin the Foundation's great Christmas feast!
- Dr. James

Christmas can come without fancy tags,
It doesn't need packages, boxes or bags,
Christmas day is in our grasp,
As long as we have hands to clasp.
- O5-Who

I understand now, Christmas isn't about stuff,
It's about hav

Dr. James has been taken to intensive care due to an intense swelling of his heart tissue. - Dr. H. Whovey


Wayne

rating: 0+x

Item #: SCP-694-J

Object Class: Creepster

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-694-J's property should not be approached unless something cool is happening there or his wife is out tanning. Should SCP-694-J spot and address personnel, personnel are to awkwardly chat with SCP-694-J until it is possible to flee.

Description: SCP-694-J is this guy named Wayne who lives a few blocks down from Site-18. Researchers are pretty sure he's got some kind of brain thing or something but… they dunno… he's just really weird. Like this one time, researchers observed him just taking this nasty couch from the street into his house. Testing following the incident found the couch to be absolutely filthy and D-class testers agreed that bringing that couch into your house is just gross.

In spite of advanced interrogation, researchers have been unable to determine what SCP-694-J does for a living. Speculation includes that he may have a night job or works form home, however repeated conversations with SCP-694-J have not led to any conclusions. Johnny, who doesn't go to work at the Foundation but lives in the neighbourhood anyways, says he saw SCP-694-J carrying a bike or maybe a motorbike in a U-hall to somewhere, but he was unsure if this was correlated to SCP-694-J's profession.

Despite all of this, SCP-694-J has an absolutely bitching wife with really nice tits. This puzzles researchers, who have been unable to determine why SCP-694-J has such an amazing significant other while they're stuck either single or with some bitch who didn't even blow them at that party at Todd's.

Addendum: Interview Log 694-J-5:

Interviewed: SCP-694-J

Interviewer: Dr. James

Foreword: Dr. James happened to spot SCP-694-J on his way to work, fiddling with something behind the fence.

<Begin Log>

Dr. James: Hey Wayne.

SCP-694-J: Hello.

Dr. James: What's up?

SCP-694-J: Not much, just… y'know…

Dr. James: Um… what?

SCP-694-J: Y'know… I'm… doing the…

Dr. James: I… um…

SCP-694-J: The… uh… the thing with Janine…

Dr. James: Oh, yeah, right. (Note that Dr. James had no idea what the fuck this guy was going on about.)

SCP-694-J: How have things with you been.

Dr. James: Oh, fine. Just… y'know…

(SCP-694-J squints)

Dr. James: What?

SCP-694-J: Well, I'm just not so sure I totally get what you're laying down here.

Dr. James: Look, I gotta go.

SCP-694-J: Well, ok, I'll see you later.

<End Log>

Conclusion: Did you see the way he looked at me? He's totally insane. - Dr. James

By Dr. James, Age 15


A Youthful Hill

rating: 0+x
mrandmrsredacted.png
Mr. and Mrs. [REDACTED] previous to SCP-1431 encounter
mrandmrsredactedyoung.png
Mr. and Mrs. [REDACTED] following encounter

Item #: SCP-1431

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: Area 1431 has established for the containment and observation of SCP-1431. Patrols of no less than 5 agents are required around SCP-1431 at any given time. Due to SCP-1431 possible link to certain Groups of Interest, more detailed information regarding security has been limited to Area 1431 and cannot be found on any Foundation databases.

Description: SCP-1431 is a hill located ~27 kilometers from █████████, Northwest Territories, Canada. Due to current climactic conditions SCP-1431 is perpetually covered in snow16. Located at SCP-1431's summit is a large longhouse, designated SCP-1431-1 containing 253 various forms of recreational toboggans, ranging from traditional J-shaped toboggans to "magic carpets". This stock replenishes 17 hours and 23 minutes following the removal of any number of toboggans17. SCP-1431 causes major changes to the physiology of subjects that enter its southwestern slope.

Subjects will experience a sudden reduction in age until they are between ~5-8 years of age. Clothing worn by subjects may change shape, size, colouration or overall design in order to accommodate the subject. Subjects will then feel an uncontrollable impulse to begin tobogganing down SCP-1431's southwestern slope utilizing any of the toboggans found in SCP-1431-1. This impulse will continue regardless of the subject's physical state, and they will expire18. This has caused a large accumulation of bodies, the oldest of which date back to ~985 CE19. This has caused a snowball effect of subjects approaching the SCP-1431 to investigate the large amount of corpses and falling under SCP-1431's effect.

Subjects that have been sedated and removed via helicopter will experience immediate hypothermia due to a failure in the hypothalmus to regulate body temperature, the longest having survived 3 hours. Research into the halting or counteraction of this effect are ongoing.

Addendum 1431-1:

Interviewed: John ███████████

Interviewer: Dr. ████████

Foreword: SCP-1431 is located near the traditional area occupied by a northern Cree tribe. John ███████████ agreed to explain traditional legend pertaining to SCP-1431's effects.

<Begin Log>

Dr. ████████: Why do you not go near the hill?

John ███████████: When I was a young boy my father took me from the reserve to the hill. He said to not get any closer, and that I should never go to the hill except to show my children so they know to never approach it. This is done with all children of my tribe. We never go near it.

Dr. ███████: Did he explain why?

John ███████████: He said many ages ago the hill was resided upon by a man named Enkoodabaoo (Literally: One Who Lives Alone), who knew the spirits of the land and loved his hill. Many tribes who passed through these lands met with Enkoodabaoo, who exchanged herbs and food with him. He fell in love with a woman who belonged to one of these tribes and with her he had a boy who came to be named Mukki (Literally: Child). Enkoodabaoo would love to take Mukki tobogganing down his hill, and at this time they would toboggan all day and night. One day Enkoodabaoo was hunting snow hare when a Witiko came to the hill upon which Mukki was tobogganing.

Dr. ███████: A Witiko?

John ███████████: What you could call a bogeyman. The Witiko ate Mukki. Enkoodabaoo returned to the hill to see the Witiko finish his son. He cried and demanded his son back. The Witiko could not return the son, because the son had already been eaten. Instead, he said, he will make Enkoodabaoo a master creator, and he could make as many toboggans as he wanted. He also made the hill one of eternal youth, so that any person who approaches it becomes like Mukki and never leaves Enkoodabaoo, so he can toboggan forever. Enkoodabaoo built a longhouse that contained many toboggans and lured people to his hill so he could toboggan with them.

Dr. ███████: And where is Enkoodabaoo now?

John ███████████: The Witiko tricked him, and Enkoodabaoo soon realized he had caused the deaths of all people he had lured to toboggan with him. He left and vowed to create a way to save those trapped on his hill.

Dr. ███████: Has he returned?

John ███████████: Yes, many times, but every attempt he has made to stop the hill has failed.

Dr. ███████: Where does he go?

John ███████████: He makes more playthings for other children, his new Mukki.

Dr. ███████: Is that all you know?

John ███████████: Yes.

Dr. ███████: Thank you, Mr. ███████████, our agents will be meeting you outside for some additional information.

<End Log>

Closing Statement: John ███████████ was administered a Class-A amnesiac. This Enkoodabaoo seems like a viable candidate for the individual known as [REDACTED]. - Dr. ███████

We'd prefer you'd keep your insubstantial speculations out of our official documents, doctor. - Research Director Neals, Site-14

tags: euclid, scp, dr_wondertainment


HILARIOUS FARTING FROG CLICK NOW TO SEE

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SCP-7394-J in rare state of non-hilarity and hijinx

Item #: SCP-7394-J

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-7394-J is to be kept in a small box in Janitorial Assistant James's closet, who will tweet every time SCP-7394-J lets rip a hilarious one. Janitorial Assistant James is to use the hashtag #keterfrogfarts.

Description: SCP-7394-J is small tree frog (species unknown) with the ability to [DATA EXPUNGED], causing massive internal bleeding and psychological trauma in subjects caught within a 2 kilometer radius of SCP-7394-J. Approximately 259 deaths have been traced back to SCP-7394-J.

This effect is overshadowed, however, by SCP-7394-J's hilarious ability to fart whenever it hops. Researchers have concluded that this fucking beast just won't stop letting them rip, and SCP-7394-J has been a major hit at almost every party. It is pretty much the funniest thing you'll ever see. Just trust researchers on this.

Although certain recommendations towards creating stricter containment have been voiced, these have been downplayed in favour of increasing exposure to SCP-7394-J's humorous gaseous melodies. Personnel voicing these precautions obviously have no sense of humor and if they would just watch SCP-739-J farting at least once, researchers hypothesize they'll finally understand why this is so fucking entertaining.

Addendum 7394-J-1: Incident log (Abridged due to length):

██/██/████: SCP-7394-J breaches containment from Site-44. 21 personnel casualties, 3 civilian. Nuclear failsafe deployed following breach of SCP-████, SCP-████ and SCP-███. Last message from Site-44: "Did this really loud beer fart. We all lost our shit."

██/██/████: SCP-7394-J lets out "silent but deadly" fart. Hilarity ensued. ██ personnel left permanently disabled.

██/██/████: A ceasefire is called at Site-██ during an attack by Chaos Insurgents, in order to allow the insurgents to hear SCP-7394-J. Insurgents later admitted "that was all we really came to do. It lived up to all our expectations." Fighting resumed, resulting in ██ estimated casualties.

Addendum 7394-J-2: Audio Log recorded by Dr. Mayreder:


Really Cool Giant Head Pic That I Found

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LOOK AT THIS IT'S SO COOL

Item #: SCP-4938-J

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-4938-J is to be constantly defended as an AWCY? object in spite of its connection not being a necessity in the slightest. I am not to reveal that I actually just wanted to show off this image in an SCP format.

Description: SCP-4938-J is this cool picture I found on google images when I looked up "cool art". It's a head on a pedestal.

Underneath the pedestal it said:

Fuck you

Are We Cool Yet?

Addendum: Possible connection to Dr. Wondertainment, Marshall Carter and Dark, and my grandmother! - Dr. James


Series idea: Foundation collapses, 682 set loose. It sets a den in a city that has evacuated due to its presence. Treasure seekers approach the city and have to deal with various SCPs on the loose.


Audio of a War

Audio Transcript 1035

Welcome to Site-76

It is here in the vast Egyptian desert that we keep many confiscated anomalous objects we find the two great superpowers of the world clutching onto, and it is here that you new recruits have been sent to research and defend these items from either power. This is imperative, if either side is able to get ahold of these objects, why… it could mean something even worse than nuclear war. We cannot allow this to happen.

Take a good look around gentlemen, it is with these men that you'll be working for years, perhaps even decades. This is a lifelong job, but a necessary one. The human race needs you to protect it from destroying itself. You are a member of the Foundation now, sworn in to protect anyone and everyone from the threat of a looming apocalypse.

Site-76 houses a number of important anomalous objects, including some psychic and memetic. Therefore it is important that you all remain focused, because you never know when a memetic visual might come into your line of sight, or a psychic machine might override your mind!

Remember gentlemen that this site is top secret on a need-to-know basis, and anything you encounter here remains here. Even something as insignificant as the type of tree you see outside this window could give away our position to a looming superpower.

Now, as with all sites of this nature, it is entirely possible that a breach may occur requiring the detonation of a 20 megaton nuclear warhead, sitting right now underneath our very feet. In this case all personnel are ordered to evacuate the site immediately. In some cases we may need to detonate the warhead before all personnel have evacuated. You gentlemen have been instructed on this before, and I trust you are willing to sacrifice your lives to contain the monstrosities we hold here.

We thank you for joining the ranks of the Foundation, and hope you have a good day. That is all.


"Benny"

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SCP-1486 attempting to smoke a cigarette prior to containment

Item #: SCP-1486

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1486 is to be kept in Containment Locker 392b at Site-46. Following incident 1486-8, a 55 meter spherical radius is to be demarcated around SCP-1486 as an area in which absolutely no copulation is to occur.

Description: SCP-1486 is a children's doll, 48 centimeters in height. SCP-1486 is animate, however due to its nature it is mostly immobile. SCP-1486 is highly damaged (see image right), missing its right arm. SCP-1486 will frequently excrete human blood, feces, pus and cervical mucus from small pores covering its torso and head. SCP-1486 is seemingly sapient.

If a heterosexual, human couple completes copulation within ~50 meters of SCP-1486 (regardless of contraceptive use), SCP-1486 will disappear from where it has been placed and appear in the female subject's uterus at less than 0.01% of its original size. SCP-1486 will then begin slowly increasing in size at the rate of a normal embryo and foetus20. Ultrasound testing of the subject has shown that SCP-1468 retains its shape throughout the growth process. Subjects may sustain damage to the uterine wall, causing infertility. Excretions from SCP-1468 will exit through the cervix.

After a period of ~9 months, SCP-1486 will induce labor in the subject. SCP-1486 may be birthed normally. However, due to the presence of several harsh edges on its exterior, Caesarian sections have proven to be a much safer form of delivery.

Once it has been birthed, SCP-1486 will search for the subject mother and in some instances, SCP-1486 will attempt to breastfeed unless restrained. SCP-1486 can communicate verbally through unknown means, and will address the subject and others.

Attempted abortion results in SCP-1486 rapidly expanding, causing the subject's abdomen to rupture. SCP-1486 will be immediately hostile.

SCP-1486 was discovered by Foundation operatives following a complaint submitted by [REDACTED] after an ultrasound imaging session.

Addendum 1486-1:

Interviewed: SCP-1486

Interviewer: Dr. Fulnan

Foreword: SCP-1486 had recently been birthed and was sitting with its D-7397, its "mother", at the time of interview. D-7397 had been sedated and was unconscious.

<Begin Log>

Dr. Fulnan: Hello SCP-1486.

SCP-1486: Hey doc, long time no see.

Dr. Fulnan: Indeed.

SCP-1486: 9 months, if I had to guess (Laughs). How's it hanging?

Dr. Fulnan: It's fine. Mind if I ask a few questions?

SCP-1486: Shoot.

Dr. Fulnan: Alright. Who or what made you?

SCP-1486: Well doc, when a mommy and a daddy really love each other, or are really fucking drunk…

Dr. Fulnan: Please answer the question.

SCP-1486: How do you think? My momma got laid and I happened to be the fastest sperm.

Dr. Fulnan: Alright. How did you become damaged?

SCP-1486: Being born isn't fucking easy, you can get pretty torn up. I think I would know that better than anyone.

Dr. Fulnan: Ok. So this woman is your mother?

SCP-1486: Yeah, this woman here's my momma. Might not be the best looker, but she's got the best tits I've ever seen.

Dr. Fulnan: So you've seen tits before this?

SCP-1486: It's an expression, dumbass.

Dr. Fulnan: But what about all the times you've been, er, born before this?

SCP-1486: What?

Dr. Fulnan: You don't remember being born before this birth?

SCP-1486: Well, yeah, of course I do.

Dr. Fulnan: Were the women those times not your mother?

SCP-1486: I thought they were, but they would scream and throw me away. How could they be my momma if they would do that?

Dr. Fulnan: They gave birth to you.

SCP-1486: Well, yeah, but I mean they hate me. How could a mother hate her own kid, doc? Enough to hurt them so much?

Dr. Fulnan: Lots of mothers…

SCP-1486: It doesn't make any sense! How could they just throw me away? How could they just hammer it in like that?

Dr. Fulnan: Well, I mean…

SCP-1486: I just don't get it.

Dr. Fulnan: 1486?

SCP-1486: Can we stop please?

<End Log>

Closing Statement: Examination of SCP-1486 following the interview showed a severely increased excretion of cervical mucous from the area surrounding its eyes. SCP-1486 was separated from D-7397 and placed into storage.


Site Director Hartram

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Dr. Hartram, note the physical similarity to a turtle

Item #: SCP-3049-J

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures:

Description: SCP-3049-J is a caucasian human male by the name of "Jonathan Hartram", aged 67 years old, current site director for Site 26. SCP-3049-J possesses the physical appearance of a red-eared slider turtle Trachemys scripta elegans.

SCP-3049-J can only be physically interacted with as if he were a turtle. SCP-3049 is mute, and communicates through non-verbal cues. SCP-3049-J also exhibits behavior typical to depression, often walking aimlessly, only stopping to eat or defecate, and does not actively try to communicate with researchers.

In spite of this, SCP-3049-J is well known for his shrewdness and caution, having made use several times of quick withdrawal methods during containment breaches. SCP-3049-J may remain motionless for long periods of time before coming to a decision. This is typical, and researchers are asked to be patient with SCP-3049-J's nature.

tortoise_and_hare_250px.jpg
SCP-3049-J consulting with O5-6

SCP-3049-J came to his current position as site director through hard work and dedication. His slowness and steadiness allowed him to succeed current O5, SCP-2949-J.

Addendum 3049-J-33: Interview Log

Interviewed: SCP-3049-J

Interviewer: Research Assistant Harden

<Begin Log>

Research Assistant Harden: Good morning three oh fo- er, sir.

SCP-3049-J: (Opens eyes)

Research Assistant Harden: Just performing your annual interview. For your containment procedures.

SCP-3049-J: (Snaps)

Research Assistant Harden: It's procedure.

Research Assistant Harden: No sir.

Research Assistant Harden: What do you mean?

Research Assistant Harden: B-but sir, my family just moved in.

SCP-3049-J: (Returns to resting position).

Research Assistant Harden: Sir please.

<End Log>

Closing Statement: Research Assistant Harden was transferred to


Meanwhile, At Site-23

"Captain, it's heading for wing E!"

"Use the robot arm grabby thingies!" ordered captain Melanson. He wasn't about to let another one of these bastards get through his grasp. He grabbed ahold of the lieutenant, "And for god's sake man, use the 8mm Nambu round for pistols!"

"But captain, why would we use pistols when suppressive fire can only be supplied by rounds with a much larger diameter!?" asked the lieutenant.

"My god, man, don't you understand the necessity of providing standardized rounds to all members of the same organization? That way ammunition can be distributed evenly or shared in case of deficit! Look out!" Melanson grabbed ahold of lieutenant Jacobs and threw him to the ground as an explosion rocked the wall beside them.

"My god, it's gotten ahold of a grenade launcher," Melanson said.

"But sir, why would it take a grenade launcher? Everybody knows any kind of long-range explosive is not useful in an area with such sharp turns and narrow hallways!"

"Get ahold of yourself, lieutenant!" Melanson slapped Jacobs. "Long-range explosives can be used to break through barricades in situations where grenades cannot be thrown far enough themselves!"

"We can't expect the skip to think that far ahead!" Jacobs replied.

"You're right." Melanson took out his radio. "I want more men working on those robot arm grabby thingies! Jacobs, go engage the skip!"

"I will sir," Jacobs picked up his rifle and began to leave.

"You're not using… that, are you?" asked Melanson.

"Sir?"

"I mean, you can't use that. Look at the stock! And it doesn't even have decent optics!"

"But sir, it turns to allow for suppressed fire!"

"That's suppressive fire, lieutenant! What are you, a goddamn insurgent!?"

"No sir, I just wanted to say that the scope-"

"Forget the scope, Jacobs, where are the ergonomics? How are you supposed to take down a skip if you have carpal tunnels!?"

"Well, sir, you'll note-"

"And that gas adjuster, ugh. What are we, the Holders?"

"Sir, I really think-"

"You be quiet, Jacobs! There's been too many problems with firearms in this division and by god I am going to start fixing them right now! So put your r-"

Melanson was cut off as the wall behind Jacobs collapsed, crushing him. The escaped skip stepped through the hole and began to run at Melanson, only to be intercepted by a pair of robot arm grabby thingies, holding it in place.

"You win this time, Melanson!" screamed the skip, "I would have won too if it weren't for the poor ergonomic design on your grenade launchers!"

Melanson laughed and spat on the skip.

"Enjoy carpal tunnels, bitch."


JAMES - Episode 1 - Pilot

Listen Before Viewing for Maximum Effect

"So what's the plan?" I asked.

All I got in reply was a cold glance and a finger over pursed lips.

"If somebody was going to hear us they would've heard us already," I said, stepping up and down to make a loud schlok schlok with my flippers. "There's no need to be so intense, Rex."

"Shut up you idiot," Rex whispered, "This is Site 19."

"WHAT!?" Is what I would have said, if Rex had not put his hand over my mouth in anticipation. Instead, a muffled "whfft" came out. I pulled his hand off my mouth.

"What the fuck are we doing at Site 19?" I whispered.

"Ask the Sign," Rex said, removing his flippers.

"Sign?" I say to my video-watch.

"Yeeeeessss?" A yield sign appears on the monitor.

"Why the fuck are we in Site 19?" I removed my own flippers.

"To check out a new iiiitteemm and… oooooh~ it's located outsiiiiiide." The yield sign began to sway.

"What's so exciting about it being outside?" I asked.

"I get to talk with you aaaaallll the way theeeeere."

"No." I hung up and turned to Rex. "Do you know where this thing is?"

"Yeah." Rex handed me a pair of sneakers.

"Then why did I have to ask the Sign?" I put them on.

"He gets lonely sometimes." Rex smirked.

"Fuck you old man."

TBA http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-812


scp-xxxx-j

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Item #: SCP-XXXX-J

Object Class: Euclid/Keter (indicate which class)

Special Containment Procedures: [Paragraphs explaining the procedures]

Description: SCP-XXXX-J is a class six (6) ultradimensional anomaly contained within an igneous rock. If any communication regarding its existence is attempted, SCP-XXXX-J creates an indefinite probability shift. Any entity attempting the communication will be unable to finish. The entity will then be somehow disconnected from their medium of communication.

MORE TBA

Addendum: Interview log:

Interviewed: [The person, persons, or SCP being interviewed]

Interviewer: [Interviewer, can be blocked out using █]

Foreword: [Small passage describing the interview]

<Begin Log, [optional time info]>

Interviewer: [speech]

James: [speech]

[Repeat as necessary]

<End Log, [optional time info]>

Closing Statement: [Small summary and passage on what transpired afterward]


Fridge Logic

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Item #: SCP-2000

Object Class: Safe Neutralized Safe

Special Containment Procedures: Foundation Satellite ERXT-Gamma is to be set to receive all radio messages originating from -29° 00' 28".118. No other action is to be taken at this time.

Description: SCP-2000 is an exoplanet currently located approximately 1320 astronomical units from the sun, with an approximate diameter of 860 km. Due to SCP-2000's current position, it can no longer be followed by Foundation telescopes, and thus its assumed location is based on astronomical approximations.

Originally observed by Foundation telescopes to be approaching the solar system in 1943, by 1951 SCP-2000 had passed beyond Neptune. Thermal imaging of SCP-2000 revealed the presence of seemingly autonomous, heat-emitting entities. With the assumed discovery of extra-terrestrial life, Protocol ET-75X was put into place. SCP-2000 gained its own object classification, and knowledge of SCP-2000 was suppressed from public eye.

FLP AX-1 was launched and successfully landed on SCP-2000 in June, 1952. Due to an unknown mechanical malfunction, FLP AX-1's camera was inoperable, and only audio was collected. SCP-2000 has since left the solar system.

As SCP-2000 can no longer be directly observed or reached by Foundation efforts, research has been discontinued. Research into SCP-2000 has resumed as of July 20, 2002.

Addendum 2000-1: Timeline:

January 4, 1943: Polar observatory ARNUS discovers fast-moving extraterrestrial object approaching solar system.

February 23, 1943: Tropical observatory JANUS confirms object presence, suggested to be large asteroid. No further action taken.

September 2, 1949: Routine spectral imaging by ARNUS finds liquid water to be present on SCP-2000, despite estimated 50K surface temperature. Close observation begins.

October 17, 1950: SCP-2000 passes Pluto.

January 23, 1951: Infrared thermography finds several hundred autonomous, heat-emitting entities present on SCP-2000.

January 25, 1951: SCP-2000 gains anomalous classification. SCP-2000 document, timeline created.

February 3, 1951: Project CONTACT begins, headed by Assistant Director Woods.

May, 1951: Project CONTACT pinpoints SCP-2000's transit along Mars to be ideal for landing.

June, 1951: Construction of FLP AX-1 begins.

September 7, 1951: Construction of FLP AX-1 is completed.

November 1, 1951: FLP AX-1 is launched from Site-73-R.

June 7, 1952: FLP AX-1 lands.

June 10, 1952: FLP AX-1 sends first audio and video to Site-73-R. Decrypted video appears to be completely black.

June 13, 1952: Video error is concluded to be caused by an irreparable shutter malfunction. Examination of audio continues.

July 14, 1952: Researchers present findings regarding audio received from FLP AX-1. Memo by Assistant Director Woods:

Project CONTACT, we have succeeded!

There were those who doubted our findings. They disputed our methodology, our rocketeering, our timeframe. They asked how there could possibly be liquid water on such a tiny rock. They questioned how exactly we plan on getting 20 tonnes of metal into outer-space. But, by the grace of God, we have proven them wrong. Not only have we succeeded in engineering the first ever self-sufficient space-probe, but we have also found something much more precious: life.

When we first received communications from Flippy, we were disappointed. We excitedly activated the decrypted film, barely able to breathe. What we saw was disheartening: blackness. Of all the things to go wrong, it had to be a sticky shutter. Our heads thus hung low, we moved onto the microphone. At first we found nothing, and we despaired. Could it really be that this small rock, one in which all our hopes had been placed, truly was lifeless?

As we began to change frequencies, the answer came back. Not one answer, but many. Thousands of voices, echoing through an invisible landscape. I knew then, the project had been a success. I entreat you all to come listen to the strange voices yourselves in the cafeteria.

EDIT 23/08/1998: Audio digitized. Sample (Life from Afar) included:

July 20, 1952: O5-8 approves further resources towards complete decryption of audio received from FLP AX-1.

October 14, 1952: All audio decrypted. EDIT: 23/08/1998: Audio digitized. Sample (Predator and Prey) included:

December 5, 1952: FLP AX-1 enters hibernation mode.

August 9, 1953: SCP-2000 exits solar system.

December 31, 1953: O5-8 closes Project CONTACT, due to lack of meaningful results. All Project CONTACT records are placed in permanent storage, Security Level 3 clearance required.

October 1, 1972: SCP-2000 is reclassified as Neutralized. Project CONTACT records moved to Site-23, placed under Security Level 1 clearance.

September 3, 1992: Project CONTACT records moved to Site-76.

July 3, 2002: Dr. Erlman presents results of independent study into Project CONTACT audio files. Report:

Director Woods-Jameson,

I have been conducting independent research into the audio files collected by project CONTACT during their investigation of SCP-2000, at your request. I have found something rather unsettling.

During my investigation, I used audio software not previously accessible to those researching Project CONTACT. My attention was caught by this specific audio clip, generally touted to be the sound of a creature "dying":

I was able to isolate the audio of the assumed "predator":

While not particularly meaningful in this clip, I noticed the audio bore a striking resemblance to human speech pattern. It could be that the original researchers of Project CONTACT have actually changed the original pitch of the recordings sent out by FLP AX-1 inadvertently. If they were doing an audio sweep on different frequencies and picked up animal noises, they may have had no reason to believe they should move to a lower frequency. I tried to increase the pitch, but the audio becomes too distorted. I have forwarded my results to the audio lab at Site-45, which will hopefully be able to solve this problem further.

Cheers,

Dr. Erlman

July 14, 2002: Re-pitched audio is presented by Site-45 Audio Lab. Results:

July 20, 2002: SCP-2000 reclassified to Safe, investigation reopens. FLP AX-1 Activation signal is sent in presumed direction of SCP-2000. First reply is expected to be received by 2005.

March 1, 2005: UPDATE: No reply received.

March 1, 2006: UPDATE: No reply received.

March 1, 2008: UPDATE: No reply received.

March 1, 2009: UPDATE: No reply received.

March 1, 2010: UPDATE: No reply received.

March 1, 2011: UPDATE: No reply received.

March 1, 2012: UPDATE: No reply received.

March 1, 2013: UPDATE: No reply received.