Spider_Jaws

Dave was a little pissed off, to say the least.

Why was he pissed off, you ask? Well, there were many things that led him to this moment of being a little- scratch that, royally- pissed off, but you could say it all technically started three months ago.

But a few months before that, Dave had been living with a friend of his after falling behind on his rent. Quickly though, his friend realized that Dave had fallen behind on his rent and lost his job for a reason. His friend forced him to order a table from IKEA and build it himself, as a sort of motivation exercise and an excuse to get five fucking minutes of alone time.

Personally, Dave thought this was utterly pointless. But he wouldn’t argue and drove to this IKEA off the highway. There was just one issue Dave realized almost as soon as he walked in: whatever he was in, it certainly wasn't an IKEA.

Dave had many ideas for what he should call what he wandered into that day, but the one with the least amount of swears was “godforsaken hellscape of fucking nightmares.” Because, as it turns out, Dave had stumbled into what appeared to be an IKEA, but infinitely so. He walked for two days without finding an exit, followed by three months of still not finding an exit.

It was lucky for Dave that he managed to find the people of Aisle 630. Dave wasn’t the only schmuck to be lost in the store; others had been more proactive, establishing small communities. Dave had joined the first one that found him and continued to go on supply runs during the “day”- dragged kicking and screaming- and stay behind the walls during the “night.”

The reason for this was the aforementioned “fucking nightmares”. They were known as the Staff: giant, disproportionately humanoid abominations with blank faces and tiny approximations of IKEA uniforms. They’d be adorable if they weren’t bloodthirsty at night.

Things were peaceful, but Dave was not happy with being stuck in IKEA. So he finally took the initiative and embarked on a fruitless search for the exit every day to the annoyance of those he was supposed to be helping. He couldn't go far, because he always had to return to Aisle 630 before dark. So, he made a decision- he was leaving Aisle 630 to find the exit, intent on never returning. While this wasn’t advisable, his decision was respected. They equipped him with ample supplies and a so-called “katana” made from a table leg, and watched as Dave left Aisle 630, intent on never returning.

Problem with Dave, though, was that he wasn’t very good at… things. He’d managed to train fairly well to defend against the Staff, but navigation… eh. For example, he’d passed by Aisle 630. Twice. They made sure to say hello, though.

That had been a week ago. Now, Dave had no idea where he was and was starting to go a little stir crazy from the isolation.

He’d said all of this and added, “but I don’t think I’ve gone too crazy. I, at least, found someone to talk to, right, Guy?”

The Staff member, Guy- according to Dave- did not respond and continued to wander aimlessly. Dave continued to follow it aimlessly, because these guys had to know something about this place, right?

Dave continued, “you know what I really miss, Guy? I miss variety in my food. Don’t get me wrong, I love Swedish meatballs- like, a lot more than I thought I would- but there was this pizza place around the corner of my friend’s house that I kind of miss eating at, you know? I’d go there once a week and just pig out on a box, you know?”

Guy didn’t respond.

“Speaking of night, you wouldn’t happen to know what time it is, would you? I forgot to keep track, so I could make a fort.”

At that, the fluorescent lighting shut, plunging both figures in darkness and signaling “night.” Dave froze as Guy did, hoping they could do this all night. Unfortunately for Dave, Guy began to turn around, ever slowly.

“Now, look, Guy, I know you’re thinking you should kill me, but come on! We’ve had so many experiences together! You told me your secrets, I told you mine, we laughed, we cried! You’re not going to throw that away, right?”

Guy responded, “the store is now closed. Please exit the building,” then lunged at Dave.

Dave collapsed to the floor, some combination of fear and strategy. As Guy moved toward him, Dave gripped his so-called katana and stabbed him in the chest. Then the head. He kicked Guy’s legs out from under him, managing to get one last strike in Guy’s head before it dropped dead. Dave stood over Guy’s corpse, so-called katana in hand and a feeling of pride in him. He walked from the corpse, around the corner of the aisle, and straight into the middle of a group of Staff.

Dave’s pride quickly vanished as he let out a scream that can only be described as “dying animal meets schoolgirl.” Dave backtracked and ran like hell, the Staff quickly gaining.

Those pizza nights Dave mentioned? Those were coming back to bite him in the ass. But Dave was also resourceful, managing not to get immediately killed as the seven Staff continued their pursuit. Dave couldn’t keep it up though and quickly began to tire.

Luck, however, was on his side tonight. Over the… horizon? In an IKEA? Okay, over the horizon loomed a large barrier with lights flowing over the top. Dave bolted toward it, slamming against the wall. With that noise, two figures leaned over the wall to get a look at him.

Dave, in his dying-animal-meets-schoolgirl voice, yelled, “ohmygodohmygodfuckfuckfuckidon’twantodieidon’twanttodiepleaseletmeinletmeinletmein!”

One of the figures quickly pointed to his left, then pulled his buddy in that direction. Dave ran in that direction to a makeshift gate almost as large as the wall. It pushed open as the two figures- Dave could see they were a man and a woman- ran from the inside, grabbed Dave, and pulled him in, landing on the floor.

The gates were quickly shut by two more people, just before the Staff slammed against it and clawed. The figures proceeded to stab at the Staff through the holes in the gate.

Dave noticed the four figures all had on a sort of uniform with a symbol he didn’t quite understand. As he lifted himself from the floor, he took a better look at the phrase on one of the guards' chests. He hadn't paid much attention in language classes, but it seemed familiar.

The guard asked, "Why are you staring at my tits?"

Dave opened his mouth, hoping for a good explanation to present itself, when another voice spoke, "I think he was looking at the word."

The guard stiffened in an almost respectful manner. He turned from the guard to the source of the voice: a woman a decade or two older than Dave, he guessed. She wore a similar uniform to the guards, but without the symbol. The other guards stiffened in a similarly respectful manner.

“You must be what caused the commotion," she said. "Please, come with me." She turned and began walking. Dave hesitated for a moment, but ultimately decided to follow. Looking around, he could see that the wall extended into the horizon, with stairs leading to the tops of rolling shelves, presumably for the guards to stand Dave could see dozens of makeshift houses and… buildings? They certainly appeared to be, with people walking in and out of them without a care in the world.

Dave had lingered behind as he admired the architecture, but eventually managed to catch up to the woman. He asked, “what is this place?”

She simply answered, “Welcome to the Warehouse.”

Dave was led through the bustling… he wanted to say city, but he wasn’t sure if it was at that scale yet. Still, it was close. Reminded him of New York the one time he went, minus the homeless man pissing on his sandwich. It wasn't a great trip.

The buildings, upon closer inspection, seemed to be shelves pressed together with wooden planks nailed around them and, on a few occasions, sheets draped over them. He watched a small girl, no more than five, walk along the "road" separating buildings. Many people did, but Dave was concentrated on the young girl and her mother at peace. It was so foreign compared to his life at Aisle 630, with constant vigilance to a Staff attack.

She led Dave to a large house and stepped inside. “House” was a bit of a loose term, seeing as how it appeared to be mostly metal shelves put together with curtains and cloths draped over it. Despite this haphazard building, the woman walked in without a care. After some hesitation, Dave sprinted inside after her. She stopped outside of a room with two chairs and motioned for him to take a seat. Dave did so as the woman sat opposite him with a clipboard, paper, and pen.

“Could I have your name, please?” she asked. He'd already figured she was Indian, but the accent sealed it. Neat. Dave didn’t really process the question, still focusing on his surroundings.

“What is this place?” Dave asked.

“I told you, the Warehouse,” she answered.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t explain anything. And why are you asking for my name?”

The woman paused for a moment. “The Warehouse is, as far as we can tell, the largest settlement in IKEA, since we took over most of the Warehouse area. Our last census put us at 1,086 people permanently living here. We’re also the most advanced, having made some architectural advances as you can see.” She stomped on the floor for demonstration.

Dave nodded. “And you want my name because…?”

“Well, whenever we meet new people, we like to record them. We’ve surveyed at last count 10,000 people from nearly as many universes. It helps to-”

“Wait, universes?”

She paused again, trying to find her words. “The IKEA you and I are in doesn’t just capture people from one universe, but multiple. It seems as though multiverse theory is correct. You know what that is, right?”

“…yeah.”

She wrote this down. “I’m trying to figure out if you’re from one of the recorded universes or if there’s a new one we need to account for.”

“Why are you doing this?”

She shrugged. “Well, we’ll be here for lord knows how long, and some people have already had kids here! Kids who have lived here their entire lives! They deserve a history!”

“Would that make you the leader?”

She shrugged. “I’m a democratically elected official, which would make this City Hall. Everyone still calls me Queen Ginerva. That’s my name- Ginny, for short.”

“Oh, like Harry Potter?”

She wrote this down. “You wouldn’t believe how many universes have that series. How many books were there in your main series?”

Dave shrugged. “Well, seven. But there was also technically an eighth one everyone hates.”

Dave’s interview lasted for a good hour, during which time Dave was determined to live in Universe-777. Once the interview was over, Ginny led Dave out of City Hall and in front of it to the streets. Dave looked around and took in the sights.

Ginny turned to him, her face bright. “So, should we find you housing?”

Dave didn't respond immediately. He wanted to stay, badly. He could live just fine here, without a care. But he'd left Aisle 630 for a reason.

He shook his head. "No, I'm heading back out there."

Ginny’s face shifted to one of concern. “Are you sure? We’ve had teams disappear out there, not to mention you were nearly killed.”

"Ginny, when I was in the real world, then here, all I've ever done is kick back, let other people handle my problems," Dave said. "I just want to do something that's… worthwhile. Take the initiative, find the door, get home."

Ginny was silent for a moment. "Okay," she said. "We'll at least give you somewhere to stay for the night, then you can be on your way."

Dave slept well that night, in the morning, more supplies. Despite Ginny’s disagreement, Dave walked through the gates of Warehouse, intent on finding his way home.

It had been a few hours since Dave had left the Warehouse, yet he was still going over everything that had happened.

Alternate realities? Different timelines? Pocket dimensions? A good eighth Harry Potter book? It was all so surreal to think about. He was so deep in thought he almost didn’t notice the horde of Staff walking down the intersecting aisle.

When he did, he realized it was a huge horde of Staff. He couldn’t even count how many there were; his guess put them somewhere in the eighties. Dave tightened his grip on his so-called katana and slowly backed away to another intersecting aisle. His breath was held, even if there wasn’t really a point. Still, that large a herd?

“Hey.”

Dave let out a quick shriek somewhere between a five-year-old receiving her first Barbie and feedback loop on a speaker. He turned quickly after to a group of six individuals staring him down and holding in laughter to varying degrees of success.

The man who had said “hi” in the first place was the most successful and spoke first, “Who are you?”

“Uh… Dave.”

The man extended his hand, so Dave shook it. “Charlie.”

“Nice to meet you, Charlie,” Dave jerked his thumb over his shoulder, “what the fuck is that?”

“Kind of obvious, don’t you think?” Charlie asked.

“Well, yeah, but-” Dave looked back toward the horde- “I’ve never seen them in such a large group.”

Charlie shrugged. “We don’t know either. They’ve been harassing our outpost for days. Then yesterday, it collapsed, and we've been hiding since. We even set a fire,” Charlie pointed at a group member in the back, holding a bowl with fire in it.

“Were you cold?” Dave asked.

Charlie shook his head. “Diana wanted to prove she could do it. Plus, we were trying to do a sort of smoke signal, but we don’t even know which way the Warehouse is.”

Dave’s eyes flashed. “The Warehouse?”

“Yeah, it’s our community,” Charlie said. “It’s one of the largest-”

“One of the largest settlements in the IKEA,” Dave finished. “I just came from there.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I can show you the way back!” I think.

The group’s faces lit up. Charlie spoke, “lead the way.”

Dave poked his head around the corner. The Staff had disappeared. He turned the corner back the way he came, Charlie’s group following. Then the lights snapped shut.

What, you didn’t think this was going to be easy, did you?

Those looks of relief quickly turned to horror. They looked to Dave for guidance.

Heh.

Dave looked behind them to make sure the Staff weren’t returning. So far, they hadn’t realized they were there. Dave waved them forward, letting them go ahead so he could keep an eye on the back, even if the dark made that a hard feat.

They marched through the dark in quiet, not daring to speak a word. Eyes moved from left to right, trying to peer through the dark. Dave felt the edge of his so-called katana. Its edges were dull, yet the tip was good enough to stab through the Staff. Lucky for him he hadn’t had to use it on a human.

Unlucky for Dave, a few meters behind them he heard a voice that made his blood run cold. “The store is now closed, please exit the building.”

Dave turned back to see a group of at least ten Staff quickly gaining. Behind those stood the rest of the horde, but for the moment they weren’t intent on giving chase.

Stealth seemed out of the picture. “RUN!” Dave shoved the man in front of him. The rest of the group took off ahead of the Staff.

Dave kept looking over his shoulder, but each time he did seemed to attract another Staff member. They were running out of time and options; the Warehouse was too far to reach, and there were no settlements nearby.

On either side of the aisle lined wooden shelves. He got ahead of the group and directed them to the other side of the shelves. The Staff ran past, but Dave knew they’d quickly find them.

“Help me push this shelf over!” Dave shouted. Despite not knowing his plan, they didn't argue, putting their masses against the shelf. After a long effort, the shelf collapsed, crushing a dozen or so Staff. “Diana! The bowl!”

Diana handed the bowl to David. He backed the group up, then dropped it on the wooden shelf. The fire spread from shelf to shelf and Staff to Staff.

“Good job! Now everything’s on fire!” Charlie shouted.

“Just follow me!” Dave shouted. It’s not like they had many other options. Dave led them back down the main aisle, continuing their sprint. He looked back to the fire. Quickly, it had jumped to several of the other shelves, but this didn't seem to bother the Staff climbing through the burning wreckage. That is, until they themselves melted. Before long, Dave and the group were far enough away that the fire was only a distant blip in the horizon.

Jim and Maria looked over the horizon. Back on their worlds, they were both soldiers who had long left the war. Now, they stood atop a tall wall in an IKEA, wearing uniforms signifying their allegiance to the Warehouse.

It was an adjustment.

The lights flicked on. Their shift was now over. Jim was already removing his uniform- a body plate covering plain clothes- when Maria nudged him and pointed to the horizon. He followed where she pointed to a small group- had to be half a dozen or so- marching toward the Warehouse.

"Who are they?" Jim asked.

"That's Charlie!" Maria shouted. "His group left days ago!" Maria yelled down to the gate guardians to expect company.

Dave, Charlie, and the others settle in okay; Ginny was very happy to have them home. Dave spent another day at the Warehouse, but the next day decided to leave yet again. Ginny showed him out, trying to get him to stay.

“I really don’t think you should be going.”

“But I’m going to.”

“I know you will. And I know I can’t force you to stay. But I’m asking you to think about the dangers before you go out on your own.”

Dave paused for his words. “If I hadn’t been there, they might have died. I mean, they almost did since I set the place on fire, but their chances were better. So, I don’t know, I just feel like I should be there.”

“You’re going out to save people?” Ginny asked.

Dave paused. "Whatever happens, I guess."

Ginny sighed. “Alright, then. Just know that our gates will always be open to you.”

"Thank you, Ginny," he said. He began walking to the gates, but stopped. "One more question."

"What is it?" she asked.

"That symbol the guards wear," he said. "What does it mean?"

"Oh, it's a Hindi word I said when this place was first built," she said. "Phonetically, it's pronounced, 'goddam.' The guards took it as 'god damn this place.'"

Dave laughed. He waved goodbye, then stepped out of the Warehouse and into the unknown.