Ship in a Bottle Hub

Year: 2056

Dew Birch Jewish Temple, approximately 20 miles from Site-17

"He inspired me to start sucking dick," sobbed Draven Kondraki in the front pew of the funeral service. His boyfriend reached out a hand and patted his leg comfortingly, nodding solemnly in response to the sentiment; he could confirm that the child of the deceased was an incredible bottom.

"He was so good at breathing," whimpered Alto Clef tearfully from beside them. The staffers around the widower nodded. Benjamin Kondraki had been good at breathing.

"Once, he punched me in the face for the last doughnut," cried the newly appointed Director Moose. "Jesus Christ, I'm gonna miss him so much."

"This is a Jewish service, Tilda," Director Bright whispered in her ear from the proceeding pew, as if to clarify. Dr. Rights elbowed him sharply in the ribs in response.

As the Rabbi finished the sermon and walked to the casket, the small group of assembled family and friends fell silent. Some final words were said- something about the power of love and god- and then called the pallbearers up to the altar, intending to carry the casket to the small cemetery outside. Solemnly, the attending began to close the lid-

CRUNCH

There was a brief moment of confusion among the occupants of the Temple at the sound- plastic and rough. The casket lid would not close. It was held aloft by an empty two liter pop bottle affixed to the penis of the diseased.

"The med team couldn't get it off!" wailed Draven.


55-year-old Foundation Director Benjamin Kondraki awoke from the very specific but not quite unlikely nightmare in a cold sweat, in his home in the present day, very much alive, with four hours to his shift. Fumbling for the switch, he turned on his lamp and yanked up his boxers to double check. All there remained of the incident was a bag of frozen peas to numb the soreness. He breathed a sigh of relief. The newly-purchased Tenga Egg pocket pussy on his nightstand lost it's balance and fell to the floor with a sad and lonely thud.

Accursed Texts (In order of publication)

Rules Of Dickgagement

  1. This is not lolfoundation, and the bottles involved are not anomalous; nor is it an anomalous phenomenon or anything along those lines. The purpose of bottledick is not to create humor (although that's a secondary thing), but in fact to point out something usually missed about Foundation characters: they are humans. Humans which can be dumbasses. Bottledick is a canon with a message about people at its core.
  2. Clef and Kondraki must be dating or have dated in the past. This is to piss off one (1) homophobe that is really, really angry about this canon existing (see History). It doesn't need to be super explicit, it's just a Thing.
  3. Kondraki must have gotten an Aquafina brand water bottle stuck on his penis. This is because Kondraki is a very smart man who is also an impulsive dumbass. His legacy is the core of this canon.

History of Bottledick

In the year of our lord and savior 2018, SCP Wiki user thefriendlyvandalthefriendlyvandal saw a funny post about a guy getting his dick stuck in a water bottle cross her Tumblr dashboard. She thought this was fucking hilarious and wrote a tale about it after a brief discussion in an SCP Shitposting discord server. The tale was called 'Second Date'.

All the Whos down in Whoville thought Bottledick was pretty funny, and did not take it seriously, because it was about a grown man getting his dick stuck in a water bottle. But far above Whoville, there was a person who did not think Bottledick was funny at all. They thought that several aspects of bottledick- most particularly the fact that it was about dicks, and the side aspect that it depicted two men dating- were destroying the SCP wiki singlehandedly. Bottledick anon- who's identity remains unknown to this day- had such a deep hatred for bottledick, in fact, that they sent anonymous hate mail to Vandal telling her that she was responsible for the destruction of the SCP Wiki and also to kill herself while she was at it. Vandal did not take this seriously, because it was a tale about a grown man getting his dick stuck in a water bottle.

A month passes. Suddenly, out of nowhere- when everyone had had a nice laugh over bottledick and moved on with their lives- bottledick anon came back in a rage, once again reiterating that Vandal was a worthless piece of shit that should kill herself for writing 1. Gay content and 2. Content with a man getting his dick stuck in a bottle. They also sent a message to DrClefDrClef asking how he could possibly allow such filth as gay people on the wiki.

DrClefDrClef did not like either of these things, and wrote a sequel to spite bottledick anon, 'Third Date'. Bottledick anon informed him exactly what he thought of that, too.

Then, in the next 24 hours, more people started to write for bottledick. The community came together as one to spite a singular anonymous individual. Four more tales were written, each by a different author. Those watching the madness unfold on Tumblr, Discord, and the Wiki happily contributed to an eventual phenomenon- telling people to kill themselves is dumb, homophobic people suck, and grown foundation administrators getting their dicks stuck in water bottles in acts of non-anomalous stupidity was fucking hilarious.

The legacy now lives on.