UnpluggedCokeMachine
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Item #: SCP-LOLNO

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures:

SCP-LOLNO is to be stored in a secure medical suite with access granted to level three staff or higher without escort. Medical suite is to be located no closer than 50 meters from any electronic devices or electromagnets. No items associated with the “Profession of Arms” (Specifically weaponry designed, manufactured, or implemented after January 1, 1989. More broadly, anything that could be considered useful to SCP-LOLNO in analyzing and neutralizing SCP-LOLNO’s occupant.) are allowed within the medical suite without level 4 authorization. Standard medical care for comatose patients to be provided for those connected to SCP-LOLNO. No mechanical care is deemed necessary for SCP-LOLNO, as a self-repair function repairs any extant damage.

Recovery:

SCP-LOLNO was recovered from a former Soviet testing facility in ██████. A team of urban explorers stumbled across a hatch hidden in one of the former Soviet satellite nation’s many unpopulated rural areas. The exact details regarding SCP-LOLNO-3 becoming interfaced with SCP-LOLNO are unavailable, as detailed in incident report SCP-LOLNO-IR-A.

Description:

SCP-LOLNO is a specialized gurney, seamlessly connected to a four nanometer thick, three meter tall by three meter wide display screen. Also attached to the gurney via an incompletely understood neurocranial interface is currently SCP-LOLNO-9, a comatose 35-year old Caucasian male. Specifically, SCP-LOLNO-9 is attached via six-centimeter tubes extending from a large, indestructible, opaque box under the “head” of the gurney, each tube terminating in ceramic/plastic composite needles. Each needle has been cleanly inserted through SCP-LOLNO-9’s neurocranium; one each into the ethmoid, frontal, occipital, and sphenoid bones, and two into each of the parietal and temporal bones.

Displayed upon the screen is an ongoing combat scenario featuring whoever is currently occupying SCP-LOLNO. The combat scenario is, from what can be determined to be the point of view of SCP-LOLNO’s occupant, an adaptive firefight where weaponry is limited to what would have existed in the late 20th century. [Footnote 1: According to our liaison on Mobile Task Force Psi-4: “Exterminateurs Sans Frontiers”, all weapons the subject uses experience reduced and increasingly degrading efficiency with prolonged use. Enemy combatants experience no such effects.]

The current engagement has lasted over 43,000 hours, real world. No part of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is covered by SCP-LOLNO-9 inside the environment. A “kill count” has been tallied in the upper right hand corner of the screen, and a selectable menu (in Russian) has broken down the tally into type and amount for further analysis. Due to the nature of SCP-LOLNO’s anti-electronics field a request to perform exploratory intracranial surgery to determine the interface of SCP-LOLNO with SCP-LOLNO-9 has been forwarded to the ethics committee, results pending.

Without appropriate daily care for a comatose patient, the current occupant of SCP-LOLNO will experience decreased efficiency within the mental experience they are undergoing. With such daily care, atrophy and degradation still occurs but at a slower rate than otherwise experienced. Current testing has shown the only viable means of killing SCP-LOLNO’s occupant is by elective suicide or being killed within the environment. Listed below are the causes of death of the known previous occupants of SCP-LOLNO, in chronological order:

SCP-LOLNO-1, Caucasian Male, approximate age at time of death 18-22: Unknown due to poor record keeping of prior curators.

SCP-LOLNO-2, Caucasian Male, approximate age at time of death 40-50: Unknown due to poor record keeping of prior curators.

SCP-LOLNO-3, Caucasian Female, approximate age at time of death 32-33: SCP-LOLNO-3 was overwhelmed by hostile forces inside environment. [Footnote 2: This instance is what brought SCP-LOLNO to the Foundations attention, despite medical intervention, systemic atrophy had set in and prevented full recovery. Hostile forces overwhelmed SCP-LOLNO-3 due to decreased response time inside environment.]

SCP-LOLNO-4, Nigerian Male, 38: Self-termination within environment.

SCP-LOLNO-5, Laotian Male, 27: Overwhelmed by hostile forces inside environment.

SCP-LOLNO-6, Arabic Female, 42: Environment abruptly ceased hostile actions. SCP-LOLNO-6 actively explored environment, seeming to expect further hostile actions. This provided us with our first in-depth understanding of the environment within SCP-LOLNO. Unexpected and unexplained brain death followed two real world months of exploration.

SCP-LOLNO-7, Mexican-American Male, 22: Anomalous death caused by sudden inclusion of MTF-Psi-4 liaison in tactical environment. This coincided with proximity of MTF member to view screen. MTF-Psi-4 liaison had standard Foundation issue sidearm on person.

SCP-LOLNO-8: Formerly MTF-Psi-4 Liaison, self-termination. [Footnote 3: This precipitated the addition of rules preventing any items considered essential to the “Profession of Arms”, barring further testing being authorized by the Foundation’s Ethics Committee.]

SCP-LOLNO-9, Caucasian Male, 28: Ongoing.