WarpZone's SCP Sandbox

Spitting Distance and Velocity
aka
Clef and Kondraki vs SCP-4040

An S&C Plastics Tall Tall Tale!

rating: 0+x

The bright red corvette blasted down the mountain trail, the roar of its heavily modified engine followed closely by the monstrous cacophony of more than half a dozen snarling crocodiles moving at over 240 miles per hour.

"IT'S GAINING ON US," Kondraki shouted, jumping on the brake and the gas at the same time while spinning the wheel. The car power-slid around a hairpin turn, gravel and skree from the road tumbling down the sheer cliff face.

"GET DOWN!" Clef shouted, spinning towards the driver's seat and firing the octuple-barreled shotgun at point blank range.

"WHAT?" Kondraki yelled back, cupping one hand around his ear after ducking under the shotgun blast.

The white-hot sodium pellets ripped through the air, narrowly missing a single drop of sweat that released from Kondraki's head. It's not that the combination of sodium and water would be explosive, so much, it's more that the water would be too busy being on fire to explode.

The Croctotpus, on the other hand, wasn't so lucky. Clef saw the whole thing playing out in slow motion. As one scaly, green tentacle reached in through the driver's side window and opened its massive jaws to swallow Kondraki whole, the soft metal fragments tore through the dripping wet maw of the creature, donating electrons like Bill Gates on December 31st.

The Crocotpus's remaining seven arms bellowed in reptilian agony as the massive creature toppled backwards off of the vehicle, the flaming crocodile head that had tried to take a bite out of Kondraki letting out one final shriek of rage as the chain reaction reached its bone marrow, and the crocodile skeleton of that entire tentacle was momentarily visible through its flesh, glowing white hot in the center of the red and black conflagration. Then the Croctotpus's bulbous, round head struck the pavement… and seemed to bounce. Its giant, beady eyes watched their car go with a knowing alien intellect, even as it rolled end-over-end in a fleshy, uncontrolled tumble. The surviving seven tentacles roared and gnashed their toothy maws as the monster's body disappeared around the rapidly receding bend.

And it was at this moment that Clef suddenly saw the fatal flaw in his plan.

"Octopusses don't have bones," he gasped in horrified realization as the sports car careened off a cliff.

"OCTOPUSSES DON'T HAVE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOONES!!!"

"OCTOPI!"

The sports car exploded in midair just as Clef and Kondraki leapt away from it in opposite directions.


"I can't believe you let him get away," Clef grunted as he rapidly hacked a path through the forest with his 1000 degree nanoblade chainsaw-katana.

"Me!? I was the wheels on this operation! YOU were the ordinance! You had one job; to pacify the target! Now SCP-88888888 is still out there, and it's all because YOU decided to use the wrong kind of ammunition!"

"Oh yeah!?" Clef stopped hacking away at the brush, licked his fingers, and used them to extinguish his blade. "Well if that's the way you feel about it, maybe we should split up!"

"W-what!?" Kondraki's face registered shock, but then his features quickly hardened into a frown. "All right then, yeah! Maybe we should!"

"Five minutes," came Clef's retort. "You won't last five minutes in the field without me."

"Pffft. Five minutes? You think this will take that long? I'll find that bastard, WITHOUT your help, and have it Contained within three minutes!"

Clef's jaw briefly clenched, but then his expression quickly morphed into a smirk. "Care to make that a bet?"

Kondraki gritted his teeth, but then turned it into a grin. "You're on! Last one to the Croctopus has to spring for gas on the ride home!"

Kondraki held out his hand and Clef shook it, both of them squeezing hard enough that it would have probably kick-started nuclear fusion, if they weren't so damned cool.

"Deal."

"Deal."

"Good."

"Good!"

"Great!"

"Excellent!"

"Fantastic!"

"Phenomenal!"

"FINE!!" they both shouted simultaneously, turning their backs on each other.

Then they stood in silence for a good thirty seconds.

"Where the hell are we?" Celf asked, looking around at the rapidly darkening forest.

"I dunno. You were supposed to have the map," came Kondraki's reply.


Kondraki trudged through the forest. "That stupid Clef. I'll show him! When I find that Croctopus, I'm gonna make Clef buy gas for the most fuel-inefficient vehicle I can find, steal or build from locally-scavenged parts. And this is Ford Country!"

Suddenly, something in the air changed. Kondraki's eyes were drawn ahead of him, towards a gap in the trees. And beneath it, a gap in the ground. And beneath that, a gap in something more… fundamental.

As Kondraki slowly approached these nested holes in reality, he calmly drew his pistol, and fired a bullet directly into the rocky ground. It ricochetted off a stone, striking the bottom of the assault rifle strapped to his leg, and knocking it up into the air, at which point Kondraki caught it in his other hand.

Kondraki fired his pistol again, and the second round struck the assault rifle's safety catch, flicking it from the "UNSAFE" to the "VERY UNSAFE" position.

But as Kondraki walked up to the edge of the pit, and stared down into the unreal darkness, he began to sense that something was amiss. "Clef? Is that you?" he asked hesitantly. He could almost hear what sounded like the ghost of a voice, whispering silently from the inky black void of space beneath his feet… Kondraki took one final step up onto the ledge…

…and snapped the shutter on SCP-515-ARC.

Then he screamed the manliest scream theoretically possible as his eyes registered the sight before him.

His last thought before it grabbed him was "We're in Sloth Spit!? I fucking HATE that place!"


Slowly, achingly slowly, the wretched, furry thing reached out towards Kondraki.

Its face…
all wrong…
fingers…
too long…

it loped…
…killed hope…

and
its
dread
forehead
sloped

Kondraki screamed and emptied both clips, save for one bullet from the pistol, which he used to reload the assault rifle.

And the sloth crept forward, inching along millimeters at a time, its eyes watching knowingly, as it effortlessly dodged between the fast-moving bullets.

Discarding the spent pistol, Kondraki flicked the safety on the assault rifle to "DOWNRIGHT SUICIDAL," and rapidly unloaded red-hot death with both hands at the impossibly slow beast.

But as the rounds flew, the Sloth grew even… slower… and simply backed… away… from the bullets, as they sped towards him. At this rate, they would never catch him.

There was a high-pitched, electronic whine as the capacitors on SCP-515-ARC finished fully charging, and Kondraki let loose its mighty flash into the creature's face.

And the Sloth… just… smiled.. and grew even slower… and turned its wretchedly slothy face towards the light…

.
.
.
s
l
o
w
e
r
.
.
.

…and Kondraki wept a single manly tear, as he realized that not even light was fast enough to touch a creature this slow.

"I should never have split up with Clef," he realized aloud. "For as much shit as we give each other, we're the perfect team!"

And then its horrible weird sloth fingernails began to close in on Kondraki… and its horrible little sloth lips slowly parted… and a long slothlike tongue began to sloth around in its slothy sloth…

"CLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFF!" Kondraki wailed.

"KONDRAKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

The first explosion shattered the Sloth's claws, and the second one sliced through its tongue. Kondraki looked up and nearly wept at the sight of Dr. Alto Clef, riding the Croctopus on a saddle, a huge mechanical Crocodile arm replacing the one Clef had destroyed earlier.

"Clef! You came back for me!"

"Dumbass, of course I did!"

"But how did you manage to hit the Sloth!?"

"Zero-Point Limpet Mines! Absolutely 100% objectively stationary!"

"Of course! But how did you find me!?"

"I didn't. When I heard you scream, I just walked away from all the places where you weren't."

"I get it! But how did you realize that we were in Sloth's Pit?"

"Oh, that's easy. I found the map. It was in my back pocket the whole time."

"God DAMMIT, Clef—" but Kondraki's retort was cut off my the roar of the giant Sloth. As its severed tongue burned away, the Sloth began breathing fire from the smoldering, severed stump. The Cyber-Croctopus had proven a loyal steed, but its brute strength was no match for the Sloth's incredible slowness and flaming spit.

The Sloth lazily caressed the Cyber-Croctopus's face, an achingly slow love-tap that seemed to take millennia… and struck with such incredible slowness that the Cyber-Croctopus appeared to explode away from all observers at double the speed of light.

And as the Sloth turned its attention to Kondraki and Clef, its inky black eyes stared into nonexistence, infinity pools of blackness seeping from between the folds of its eyelids… surrounding them… Containing them!

"So… any idea how we get out of here?" Kondraki asked nervously as the infinite black closed in all around them and the temperature slowly began to rise…

"Let me answer that question with another question," Clef replied slyly.

"Who's gonna provide the gas?"

Kondraki grinned mischievously as he realized where Clef was going with this.

"…PULL MY FINGER!!" they both shouted in triumphant unison!


In the forest around Sloth's Pit, there was nothing…

And then there was Nothing…

And then, all of a sudden, there was REALLY SOMETHING!

The two doctors exploded into existence on a rocket powered by their own farts, Clef hooting and hollering as Kondraki held on for dear life.

"THINK ANYONE WILL BELIEVE OUR STORY!?" Clef shouted above the roar of the afterburners, which… now that I think about it, were probably just holes in his underwear.

Kondraki snapped the shutter on SCP-515-ARC one last time, capturing the pit, the mutilated corpse of the sloth, the smear of black-body radiation that had formerly the Croctopus, a fortuitous glimpse of Jackson Sloth standing on the roof of his house, the surrounding treeline, and the ghostly, floating ontological concept of the current coordinates of the center of the mouth of the pit, relative to the Earth GPS, Site-19, the galactic center, all beautifully framed using the Rule of Thirds and with just enough moonlight to serve as a Fill Light, neatly counterbalancing the light cast from the firey explosion.

"It's not my best work," Kondraki muttered, "but it'll do until I can clean it up in post."

"Besides," he added, as they arced off towards the horizon, "a story doesn't have to be true to be believable." And on that distant horizon, the first rays of sunlight began to dawn on a new day.

"It just has to be entertaining!"