Wilhelm Klink

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: Scp-xxxx Is to be registered as M60-UCD1, a satellite of Messier 60 in public records as part of a standard disinformation campaign and observed by a Foundation radio telescope. A male operator is to monitor the signal for communication events. When a communication event is in occurs, high orbit jammers will disrupt the signal and redirect it towards the observatory. The operator when contacted, will respond as "the man of the house" and is to decline all offers presented after expressing satisfaction with current services.

Description: SCP-XXXX is the source of periodic, high intensity radio transmissions directed towards households in The United States and Canada. The transmission carries solicitations for various home services with an enthusiastic sales pitch speaking of the superiority and lower prices of provided services.

Upon engaging in a service contract with the source, a nondescript worker requests entry from outside any available entrance of the target building to engage in providing any necessary equipment required. The worker will persist in its request until admitted. At the end of installation, the worker will exit and vanish upon leaving view of any persons or recording devices. At the end of the month, the contract holder will have funds deducted from his bank account despite never supplying billing information.

Services only act as advertised or negotiated with XXXX, (Television services only provide channels specifically mentioned by XXXX or are requested by the recipient during negotiations.) and will continue to function as such despite attempts to deprive service, ( Jamming communications across all frequencies, disconnecting utility lines, ordering services for a vehicle in motion)

List of services or goods offered by SCP-XXXX:

  • Intergalactic long distance home and mobile phone
  • Home and mobile extranet service
  • High efficiency liquid transport vessels
  • Pre-owned inter-planetary shuttles
  • Hypoallergenic sexual aphrodisiacs
  • Mail order siblings
  • Land and mineral rights to an unidentified star cluster

Foreword: First Recorded Transmission from SCP-XXXX

<Begin Log, May 23, 2002>

Operator: Hello, who is this?

SCP-XXXX: Hello good sir! How are you today?
O: Good, I suppose.
XXXX: Good! Good..Now Are you satisfied with your current Di-dimensional subspace service? Did you know you may be eligible for as much as a 13% reduction in your semi-pazural payment?

O: Gee, that much?
XXXX You're darn sure that much, I mean, were practically giving this service away! I should report you to the authorities because you're getting away with some kind of robbery here if I do say so myself!
O: Well If I may ask…
XXXX: You sure may!
O: Yeah, Uh….What does your service offer besides a price reduction? I mean I..
XXXX: Not only do you get all your favorite shows like, "Quasar or die", "Begin the Process of Upgrading my Starship" and the hit gameshow, "Name that Biped", but also we recently negotiated an exclusive deal with the Imperial Intergalactic Society for exclusive access to their series of documentaries on expunging heresy in the Malagan Traverse on demand! You would have to be crazy to miss out on the holy carnage!
O: Well when you put it like that..
XXXX: I know! It's a steal! Do you want to take my wallet too while you are at it to sir? What package can I put you down for?
O: Well, I will have to think this over for a bit before I accept.
XXXX: Don't worry, we will give you a call again here soon. We know where to find you… Also! Be sure to tell your friends about all the savings to be had if they switch! Have a pleasant solar cycle!

<End Log,>

Closing Statement: SCP-XXXX began a communication event again approximately 23 hours and 56 minutes later and persisted until answered.