shaggydredlocks junk stuff

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SCP-2621 WARNING: Replacement parts must be same model as original +58

Item #: SCP-2621

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: The majority of SCP-2621 components are contained at Site-27.

• SCP-2621-1 is to remain locked in sub-level 6, room B, across from the site incinerator.
• SCP-2621-2 is to be kept in a fireproofed containment chamber.
• SCP-2621-3 and -4 are stored in separate storage lockers in Wing B.
• SCP-2621-5 is kept in a cryogenic storage unit in the medical bay.

Full containment of SCP-2621-6 is not currently possible. Transmissions from the object are to be intercepted and catalogued.

Description: SCP-2621-1 through -6 are body parts that make up an anomalous humanoid entity. They are non-biological in nature, but appear convincingly human at first glance. The individual pieces are theorized to emulate the functions of a rocket when combined. SCP-2621-1 through -4, as well as -6, have not been observed to age or decay while in containment, while -5 has decayed at a natural rate.

• SCP-2621-1 (left arm): SCP-2621-1 possesses an opening where it would normally attach to the torso, the interior of which is lined with an unidentified metallic substance. SCP-2621-1 is capable of breaking down any material (henceforth, 'fuel') deposited into it; said material will vanish as it crosses the threshold and into the interior.
• SCP-2621-2 (right arm): SCP-2621-2 possesses no unique anomalous physical features. SCP-2621-2 will ignite when fuel is supplied to SCP-2621-1. Despite reaching temperatures exceeding 3,000°C, the item does not suffer damage. The other pieces of SCP-2621's body in containment, excluding -5, are similarly unaffected by the resulting heat.
• SCP-2621-3 (torso/pelvic region): SCP-2621-3 possesses an opening in the chest 0.25 meters in diameter. This opening leads to the interior of a rocket cockpit, scaled to fit within the cavity. Several doors along the perimeter of the cavity presumably lead to other areas within the entity. To date, none of these doors have been able to be opened, prohibiting further research. The entity's penis extends around the pelvis and into the anus, and is believed to act as a life support system, drawing nutrients and such from reserves located therein.
• SCP-2621-4 (left leg): SCP-2621-4 is made entirely of materials that mimic the outer plating and thermal protection of a rocket. The nature of SCP-2621-4's interior is unknown, as the opening to the thigh is sealed behind a miniature blast-door.
• SCP-2621-5 (right leg): A genetic match for Gregory Ward.¹ The item is in a state of moderate decomposition, and was previously affixed to the entity with duct tape.
• SCP-2621-6 (head): SCP-2621-6 remains in orbit, currently ~200,000 kilometers from Earth. SCP-2621-6 periodically produces transmissions believed to be distress signals to a point in the Orion system. Foundation linguists have been unable to translate these messages to date.

Recovery: SCP-2621 was discovered on ██/██/19██, in a strip mall in Las Vegas. According to witness testimony, the entity was dressed in tattered clothes including a long trench-coat, and walked with a noticeable limp. SCP-2621 was accosted by security personnel, who spotted it stowing away items in its coat. After a brief confrontation, SCP-2621 'exploded'. Its right arm ignited, burning the entity's clothing and damaging SCP-2621-5, while SCP-2621-6 was propelled through the roof of the building. The two officers were treated for minor burns, and the explosion was explained as a gas leak.

Addendum: During testing of the relationship between -1 and -2, a contact microphone was attached to the exterior of -1. This microphone recorded movement within the instance in the periods between each fueling. Similar disturbances have been recorded within each piece of SCP-2621 in containment, with the exception of -5. Due to the current inability to view the full interior of each instance, this is assumed to indicate the presence of a unique entity therein. Attempts at communication with said entities have met no response.

Footnotes

1. Originally slated to be a backup Lunar Module Pilot for Edwin "Buzz" E. Aldrin, Jr., prior to his sudden disappearance. A joint effort between the United States government and the Foundation has been largely successful in erasing this individual from public knowledge due to his connection to SCP-███.

2. Referring to the Argus-III Situational Awareness System, experimental paratech which grants parasensory awareness.

3. Elan-Vital Energy

4. This was the first half of Nanku's individualized memetic kill-phrase.

5. Constructed for use based upon plans recovered from a survivor of SCP-1730.

6. This does not seem to affect organisms weighing under 500g, at which point it will behave as standard webbing.

7. The longest activation event yet to be recorded lasted 47 hours.

8. Sub-Phase Inter-Dimensional Energy Resonator.

9. Regarding SCP-3███'s containment breach and testimony by POI-GOC/923.

10. Site Director-Dim. Site-712, Project POLYPHEMUS-Containment Engineer.

11. D-1023, D-857 and D-128.

12. Dr. Alene Janssens and Dr. Pavel Romanov.

13. Steven Wu-Cheng, Nicholas Caruso, Elaine Matteus, Yanirys Espinosa, Beatrice Sanders.

14. Though most Agents carry an audio device to record their logs, Caruso had been injured and rendered mute in a containment breach in 2███, and so carries a journal instead.

15. I swear to Christ if I find the douchebag that crossed this out, I'll hold open their jaw while Dr. Scantron Oldman shits down their throat! Reap what you sow!

16. Don't ask how this works, it's all a bunch of dumb throwaway bullshit that doesn't make any sense so I may as well hop on that bus. Like, after a certain point, who even gives a fucking shit anymore? It's drivel. But for those who don't need me to feed them inane nonsense, it just means we combined two 'story'-based anomalies.

17. A Twenty-Piece Bucket that Eats Itself?

18. Can we get any more quotations around this thing?

19. The present smoke tastefully censors their nudity.

SCP-3009 "A Foundation MTF in King Arthur's Court" +9

Item Number: SCP-3009

Object Class: Neutralized

Special Containment Procedures: Site-3009 has been established around SCP-3009. Should SCP-3009 reactivate, the full company-force of MTF Tau-5 (Samsara) is to be immediately deployed to contain the anomaly. Support elements are to form a defensive perimeter and halt the advancement of SCP-3009-A, while the Samsara squad is to enter and close the anomaly.

Description: SCP-3009 is a deep, linear fissure in ████████, Wales that manifested after a brief period of otherwise mundane seismic activity on 07/18/2017.

SCP-3009 produced several hundred humanoid entities (SCP-3009-A) per hour from the southern point of the fissure, beginning several hours after its initial manifestation. SCP-3009 grew to its current size during its active period, during a prolonged engagement between Foundation forces and SCP-3009-A.

SCP-3009-A were humanoids of of variable age and gender. They emerged from SCP-3009 either nude, or dressed in clothing consistent with serfs of the High Medieval Period. Their heads were engorged, and filled with an unidentifiable liquid that eliminated any matter it came into contact with. Furthermore, heads of the instances would easily rupture and explode, complicating physical containment measures and close-quarters combat.

The instances were belligerent and hostile, and neither cooperated nor communicated with one another. Notably, upon exiting SCP-3009, instances would invariably travel due north.

History: Initial containment was achieved shortly after SCP-3009's activation. A containment team was already present at the location, due to the fissure's appearance being consistent with the manifestation pattern of SCP-████. Twelve personnel were killed when SCP-3009-A first emerged. Containment Liaison Lucius ████ contacted nearby Site-657, which deployed its personal security detachment. MTF Nu-7 arrived several hours later, and led the defensive against SCP-3009-A.

After several weeks of engagement, it became clear that there was a pattern to SCP-3009-A's emergence, with a predictable fifteen-minute lull in activity every six hours. Ground troops engaging SCP-3009-A noticed that the first several waves of SCP-3009-A were identical in appearance after each lull.

It was decided by the Site Directors' Executive Committee of the Whole that neutralization would be attempted during a lull in activity.

RESTRICTED L4/Samsara EYES ONLY

+Enter Credentials

syncID:	SHughes
Password:	*********

- Access Granted. Welcome, Captain Hughes.

Neutralization log.

Members of MTF Tau-5 ("Samsara") entered SCP-3009 at 14:52 on 5/9/2018.

Exploration Team: MTF Tau-5 ("Samsara")

Overwatch: Captain Hughes

Team Members- Sergeant Irantu (Lead), Corporal Munru, Specialist Nanku, Specialist Onru

<Begin Log>

[Video feed begins with Samsara standing outside SCP-3009].

OW: Mic check, team.

SGT Irantu: It is functioning, yes.

CPL Munru: Check.

SPC Nanku: Check.

SPC Onru: Check.

OW: Alright, team. You need to get inside the fissure. Relay your findings back to base.

Munru: Exactly how long…until the dash A's return?

OW: You have just under ten minutes.

Irantu: That leaves little time for us to waste.

OW: Excellent. Break a leg out there, team!

Onru: Is that an…order?

OW: I—

Munru: I volunteer Nanku. All in favor?

Irantu: Focus, team! On my mark.

[The team jumps into fissure. Upon reaching the bottom, they travel for approximately 10 meters prior to vanishing. The troopers' feeds continue to transmit, though they aren't able to receive communications from command. ]

---

[POV from Munru's head-cam: The squad is standing within a wooded area, enclosed in an iridescent, translucent dome.]

Nanku: Well, that's odd.

Irantu: Strange. Looks… like a giant bubble.

Nanku: Do you think we can pop it?

Onru: Let's see.

[Onru approaches the dome, extends a hand and inserts her index finger.]

Onru: Nope. Tickles though.

[Onru withdraws her hand, which spurts a jet of blood. Her finger is absent.]

Onru: Oh. I… enjoyed that finger.

Munru: It appears as if we are stuck. Overwatch, do you copy?

Munru: Captain Hughes, do you read me?

Onru: Are we on our own?

Irantu: Seems so. At any rate, we need to get moving. We'll need to get closer to the source of the disruption if we're to—

[A loud moaning can be heard. An instance of SCP-3009-A is crawling on the ground towards the team. Its body below the waist is missing. Nanku fires upon it, killing the instance and causing a small portion of the terrain around it to be eliminated.]

Munru: I don't see any… more.

Onru: Uh. Problem.

[From Onru's cam: A magenta column of raw thaumic energy has appeared in the distance, visible over the treetops. A flash of light pulses from it, and rapidly expands to fill the area. Before the team can react, the light passes over the team. Visibility is momentarily reduced.]

Irantu: [Rubbing his eyes.] Everyone alright?

Onru: Look! I got… my finger back!

Nanku: Wow. You actually sounded pretty… happy. Try to smile, or grin next time. That's usually what happy… people do.

Onru: Oh, thanks! [Furrows her brow and grimaces] Like this?

Irantu: No. You need to move the corners of your mouth up more. It can be tricky, but-

Munru: Hey! What happened to the body?

[Munru approaches the spot where the SCP-3009-A instance was terminated. The item's remains are absent, and the ground is intact.]

Onru: Did everything reset?

Nanku: Ooo! A time-loop. That's a first.

Munru: Then they're not being generated.

Onru: That means we're in here with all of them, now.

[From Irantu's cam: Movement can be seen in the distance.]

Irantu: Weapons ready.

[Squad draws their firearms.

Dozens of SCP-3009-A rapidly close in. Samsara engages with surgical precision. Instances are incapable of coming within 40 meters of the team. After several minutes of combat, the approaching force increases in number, forming a dense crowd.]

Irantu: We aren't going to accomplish… anything like this. Get ready to move. We'll punch right up the middle.

Onru: Agreed. The remaining squads can handle… the leftovers as they emerge in baseline.

Irantu: No, you stay here. Destroy… as many as possible before they get Earth-side. The rest of you, on me.

[From Onru's cam: Irantu charges the instances, followed by Nanku and Munru. The team alternates between sprinting and firing upon the instances before disappearing from view in the woods. The remainder of Onru's feed consists of her engaging the encroaching instances.

Onru manages to dispatch over a hundred instances with her primary firearm, 57 with a service pistol, and several thousand upon deploying her 5.56mm rotary auto-canon. Due the destruction of most of her body to deploy said weapon, Onru is rendered immobile, and is overtaken upon the expenditure of available ammunition.]

[From Nanku's cam: Instances of SCP-3009-A seem to ignore the squad, and continue past them towards the point of entry; Onru can be heard engaging the instances in the distance.

The team heads deeper into the woods, where the numbers of SCP-3009-A begin to thin out. Munru fires upon an SCP-3009-A as it runs past SGT Irantu. Its head bursts, releasing fluid which eliminates the upper half of Irantu's body, and eats through several areas across Munru's face and chest.]

Munru: Oh, no.

Nanku: Accidents happen. The two of us are enough to handle this.

Munru: Not him. My warding implant…[He motions towards a hole in the center of his forehead, approximately 2 cm in diameter and deep enough to expose the bone. He digs his finger into the hole and feels around inside.] …it seems to have been compromised.

Nanku: Are you good to continue?

[Munru nods.

The pair continue north for several minutes and eventually come across a clearing. A motte-and-bailey style castle similar in design to those existing in the area around the turn of the 11th century can be seen in the distance. The immediate area surrounding the walls show absent portions consistent with SCP-3009-A discharge.

Munru: Do you feel that?

Nanku: Yea. My Argus Three² is picking up some heavy EVE³ emanating from within that castle. Type-Black; Locked.

Munru: Definitely a god. Or something like it, at least.

Nanku: You thinking what I'm thinking?

Munru: That would mean there was a mistake in our uploading.

Nanku: Not like that. I mean, I'm thinking we go in there and blow everything to hell.

Munru: Ah. Then, yes. Let us do exactly that.

[The pair make their way inside through a collapsed portion of wall. The houses and other structures within the bailey are consistent with those of the time period. Areas are eroded in a similar manner, suggesting a presence of SCP-3009-A within. No signs of life are present.]

Nanku: Looks like it's a straight-shot.

Munru: Halt! Turn away, children!

Nanku: What is the matter?

Munru: Not me… I didn't — [At this point, several voices can be heard emanating from Munru; speaking in unison with him.] This is our price. Our bondage.

[Nanku approaches Munru slowly.]

Nanku: You OK?

Munru: [Multiple voices. Munru's body language suggests panic; his hand can be seen trembling as he reaches for his sidearm.] Sixty-seven. A dead man walks on broken grass through the Hall of—⁴

[From Nanku's cam: Nanku lashes out at Munru. Her fist crashes through Munru's mouth and exits out the back of his head. She withdraws her hand, and Munru falls to the ground, dead. A surge of azure light rises from his corpse, and swiftly travels towards the castle keep. It passes through the wall and out of sight.]

Nanku: Oh… hell no. You're not getting out of this so… easily.

[Nanku crouches low towards the ground - the sound of her Ambulatory Peripatetic Enhancement can be heard to chime.

Nanku explodes forwards across the bailey, up the motte, and crashes trough the wall of the keep. The keep itself consists of a single large room sectioned off into several smaller rooms for the occupant.

She walks forward to where a dirty straw mat lay across the ground. Nanku brushes it aside with her foot, revealing a trap-door. Once opened, a shaft can be seen to extend down into the motte -terminating several meters into the Earth. There is a wooden ladder leading down, which Nanku ignores, and jumps down the shaft.

The chamber Nanku lands in is a small, narrow dungeon, lined with stone. There is a single path that runs opposite the ladder - at the end of which is a robed humanoid (SCP-3009-B). It is cast in silhouette against the iridescent column, and is hunched over, facing away from Nanku.]

Nanku: Are you a god?

[SCP-3009-B moves to stand. An ornate, wooden chest encased in chains can be seen lying on the ground behind it. The entity turns to face Nanku. As it speaks, several dozen vocalizations come from the entity, echoing its dialogue.]

SCP-3009-B: Your tongue. The distant future. You do not belong here.

[Nanku removes her left hand, priming the Heissan-Neuman Olympian-Class Ravager embedded in her arm. A distinctive, high-pitched whir is emitted by the weapon as it charges. Nanku aims it at the entities head.⁵ ]

Nanku: You have precisely… five seconds to answer my question before—

SCP-3009-B: We are called [SCP-3009-B emits a piercing screech, followed by a gurgle]. The closest analogue in your tongue is 'Many'. You may call us that if it suits you.

Nanku: I'm… fully dressed, thanks.

SCP-3009-B: [SCP-3009-B pauses for a moment, before continuing.] Your weapon will be ineffectual, regardless. There is but one threat to our kind, and indeed, existence itself. For you see, there is this grand and—

[Nanku fires upon the entity. A bright flash illuminates the area. The entity is alight with green fire. Hundreds of voices can be heard screaming in unison within the entity, whose remains writhe - scattered across the ground and walls of the chamber. Nanku looks down at the remains of her arm - most of the weapon had also been destroyed in the blast, and is leaking negatively-charged thaumatic fluid.

The remains of SCP-3009-B begin to seep towards one another. They collect on the floor of the chamber, begin to take on a humanoid shape, and stand. Nanku draws her pistol.]

SCP-3009-B: You cannot begin to comprehe—

[Nanku shoots it in the head point-blank. Chunks and particles of the entity splatter onto the wall behind it as it collapses. It begins to reform again, and slowly rises to stand.]

SCP-3009-B: The grand force of chaos, Apakht! You must—

[Nanku shoots it in the head again. The entity has trouble getting off the ground, and rises to a knee. Its body-language suggests pleading.]

SCP-3009-B: [The entity's tertiary voices no longer speak in unison, and discordantly stutter.] Y-y-y-y-y-ou must not kill Apak—

[Nanku sighs, and shoots the entity in the face again. It falls to the ground, and no longer seems capable of repairing the damage to its head.]

SCP-3009-B: This is merely—

[It is interrupted by another round from Nanku's pistol. It thrashes on the ground; its tertiary voices constantly repeat 'Decoy!' in a desperate manner.]

[Nanku fires upon the entity. After a brief period of consideration, she fires upon it a second time, pauses, then proceeds to empty the clip into its body. The entity neither moves nor speaks; it appears to be lifeless. Nanku approaches the body, and kicks it square in the chest.]

Nanku: This is cause for celebration.

[Nanku presses a depression on the flesh behind her ear and an audio file begins to play: 'Don't Stop Me Now' from the artist Queen. Nanku proceeds to set-up an Existential-Disruption Field Generator. The feed cuts out upon its activation.]

[[/=]]
[[/div]]

2856 "Motherhood" +29

Item #: SCP-2856

Object Class: Euclid

An instance of SCP-2856 in its enclosure.

Special Containment Procedures:

Instances of SCP-2856 are kept in a large terrarium in an isolated chamber in Area-12's arachnid wing. The feeding system has been fully automated, and should deposit 10g of live crickets on a weekly basis. Researchers are to observe standard protocol for the handling of biohazardous macroorganisms.

A specimen of Felis catus may be introduced into the terrarium should the total population of SCP-2856 fall below 5 instances, in order to facilitate reproduction. Instances of SCP-2856-A created through mishandling may either be euthanized or remanded for behavioral study at the discretion of the current Containment Liaison.

Personnel displaying any degree of arachnophilia are to be immediately detained and removed from the premises.

Description:

SCP-2856 are desert spiders of the species Stegodyphus lineatus that exude specialized pheromones which act as an aggregator to members of the kingdom Animalia. Regardless of the receiving organism's species, biochemistry, reproduction cycle and gender, it will invariably enter a state of extreme arousal. Affected organisms are naturally drawn to the source of these pheromones, and may become fixated on locating its source. This compulsion can be easily resisted by human subjects, and is completely reversible via removal and a brief quarantine. In non-sapient animals, this compulsion can be overridden by self-preservation instincts, should the organism encounter a threat to its safety.

Prolonged exposure to these pheromones can lead to a pronounced urge to physically interact with spiders and their silk. In humans, this is accompanied by an altered state of perception. Subjects viewing webs produced by any spider species perceive them as containing words and phrases deifying arachnids. These hallucinations are not considered cognitohazardous, though subjects at this stage may need to be restrained to prevent attempts to make contact with SCP-2856-1 or other arachnids. Non-human animals suffering a similar level of exposure will likewise display a full disregard for their safety, and attempt to physically interact with nearby arachnids.

SCP-2856-1 is the designation for silk produced by SCP-2856. This silk will be absorbed at the point of contact with living organic matter.⁶ This process somehow results in an egg clutch being sub-dermally implanted, which hatches instantaneously. The juvenile SCP-2856 will swarm the organism, converging in and around the oral cavity. The infected hosts are classified as SCP-2856-A.

SCP-2856-A instances begin producing an enzyme that breaks down both adipose and muscle tissue, resulting in a slurry. The combined substance enters the digestive tract, and is automatically regurgitated by the host. The juvenile SCP-2856 will gather here, feeding on the substance as it is produced. This process seems to mimic matriphagic behavior typical of spiders in the Eresidae (velvet spider) family; and can last for two to three weeks as the host atrophies, before the enzymes begin liquifying vital organs.

Hosts undergo a dramatic shift in behavior upon infection, becoming protective of the juvenile SCP-2856 instances and exhibiting maternal mannerisms. When multiple subjects or species are present, they have been observed 'nursing' manner, and may even 'nurse' . Even natural predator/prey relationships seem to dissolve, and non-sapient SCP-2856-A instances show no aversion to human hosts. Hosts otherwise seem indifferent to their predicament, however they will become distressed and despondent should the juvenile SCP-2856 be removed from their person.

SCP-2856 was discovered on 9/03/19██, following an investigation by the Israeli government into the reported disappearance of a Brazilian couple who had been visiting the country. Foundation agents embedded within the police force contacted nearby Site 26-C to assume control of the area once the anomalous nature of the situation was established.

Update:

After several weeks of study to determine the colony's nature,MTF Nu-13 ("Rasczak's Roughnecks") was tasked with capturing several live specimen of SCP-2856 for relocation to Site 26-C. The remaining instances and their hosts were eliminated, and MTF-Iota 11 proceeded to search for any information regarding the source of the phenomenon.

Within the cavern on the edge of the settlement, task force members came across what is believed to be the origin point of SCP-2856. Items of significance that were recovered from the scene include:

• The desiccated remains of two human hosts to SCP-2856. They were later identified as the missing Brazilian couple, Felix and Rosalyn Guerra.

• A pair of passports for the couple, with entry stamps indicating travel of several European and South American countries.

• A wooden idol of a feminine humanoid figure with accentuated breasts. Carbon dating places the carving of the object c.140.

• An ornate copper basin placed on the ground before the statuette, containing a partly decomposed sheep's uterus, as well as mandragora root and over ₪2,000 ILS. A specimen of Stegodyphus lineatus was found crushed beneath the basin.

[[footnoteblock]]

Watt the fu- (was in negatives)

Item #: SCP-JJJJ-J

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: Due to the immobile nature of SCP-JJJJ-J, and the lethality of its activation events, proper containment procedures have yet to be implemented. Proposals concerning its neutralization are to be submitted to Dr. Blattaria for review.

Description: SCP-JJJJ-J is a phenomenon wherein luminescent objects spontaneously manifest in the sky. SCP-JJJJ-J will appear as either a single distended orb or in pairs of parallel cylinders, and will maintain their presence for an indeterminable amount of time⁷. Instances will remain in a fixed position, both during and after activation events.

Physical inspection of SCP-JJJJ-J instances during intermittent periods has revealed them to be composed primarily of either transparent or opaque glass, with metallic filament visible within.

Exposure to SCP-JJJJ-J instantly results in intense feelings of fear and paranoia in all recorded cases. Antimemetic and/or cognitohazardous resistance confers no protection from this effect. Subjects exposed to an activation event will invariably attempt to hide in fear. Subjects will remain in this panicked state for the duration of an activation attempt, and will remain in an unexposed area. If a subject finds refuge in a location lacking the appropriate resources necessary for their survival, they will not attempt to find a more hospitable location.

Activation events are routinely accompanied by instances of SCP-JJJJ-J-1. SCP-JJJJ-J-1 are a collection of massive objects of varying size and weight, that target exposed subjects and terminate them via application of pressure in excess of 35,000 Newtons. To date, over a dozen distinct instances have been observed. See document SCP-JJJJ-J -1 log for more details.

Exploration Log SCP-XXXX-J:

[The following is the first recorded Foundation interaction with SCP-JJJJ. Agent M██ R████, Agent G███ R████, and Containment Specialist Dr. Blattaria are in attendance.]

<Begin Log>

Dr. Blattaria: Take a left up here, we should be coming up on the instance soon.

M██ R████: This is bullshit. We're going to get ourselves killed doing this. I swear this thing's gonna go off right when we're next to it, and we'll be done for.

G███ R████: Don't be such a sourpuss. Why, I'm honored to have been chosen to embark on such an important mission! And that I can do it side-by-side with my very own brother makes it all the more enjoyable!

M██ R████: Ugh. The Hell you always gotta be such a pest for, eh?

G███ R████: I'll take that as a compliment!

G███ R████: Oh, for the love of—

Dr. Blattaria: Quiet, you two! We're here.

G███ R████: Goodness!

Dr. Blattaria: I'm going to attempt to retrieve a sample. Please just…keep an eye out for anything suspicious.

M██ R████: Whatever, doc.

G███ R████: Can do!

[There is a period of silence for several minutes while Dr. Blattaria samples the instance, before it reportedly underwent an activation event. An instance of SCP-JJJJ-J-1 manifested beneath the team.]

M██ R████: Shit! Shit! Shit!

G███ R████: Run away!

[The team proceeds towards shelter, attempting to avoid the assault of SCP-JJJJ-J-1.]

Dr. Blattaria: The sample! I…I dropped it!

M██ R████: Fuck the sample! We need to move!

[The team manages to find an area outside SCP-JJJJ-J's effective range.]

Dr. Blattaria: We were so close to making a breakthrough. If only we were able to secure the sample. We have….wait, where's G███ R████? My God! She's still out there!

G███ R████: [Can be heard in the distance] …got it, you guys! Look! I've got it I—

[Dr. Blattaria reported that at this time, G███ R████ was terminated in the field by SCP-JJJJ-J-1.]

M██ R████: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

G███ R████ has since been post humorously awarded the Foundation Gold Star for her enduring dedication and ultimate sacrifice pursuing Foundation interests. After this incident M██ R████ entered a violent, self-destructive spiral, and began to self-medicate with alcohol and nicotine. Agent M██ R████ now refuses to answer to any name other than B██ R████.

2566 "Evermore" +17

Item #: SCP-2566

Object Class: Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2566 is to be kept in a Low-Value Item Locker. Access to SCP-2566 is restricted to research personnel L2 and above.

Description: SCP-2566 is the head of an Italian male in its mid-fifties. The object has been severed from the digastric muscles to a point between the 5th and 6th cervical vertebrae, and its eyelids and tongue have been surgically removed. Despite this, SCP-2566 is alive and animate. The object requires neither sustenance nor rest, and does not appear to undergo cellular senescence.

Due to the effects of both sensory deprivation and long-term isolation, SCP-2566 is cognitively impaired and unable to communicate.

Recovery: The building where SCP-2566 was found had been partially destroyed due to heavy flooding and high winds in the wake of Hurricane Sandy. SCP-2566 was originally contained in a wooden crate. Nails driven from the underside of the box kept the object in place, and an albumen print photograph of a prepubescent female was affixed directly across from its point of view. Several dozen newspaper clippings from 1878-1892 were layered around the interior of the box. [Addendum-RecDoc-2566]

An investigation into the property where SCP-2566 was recovered revealed that it had been abandoned for decades. The last known occupant was a 'Vincent Beaufort' (POI-273), who was reported as missing in 1893. Research into POI-273's history prior to obtaining citizenship in the United States remains inconclusive. Several universities throughout Switzerland and Germany had records of a Dr. Beaufort among their academic staff as a professor of various scientific disciplines throughout the 19th century; with the earliest known record being a tenure at the University of Basel circa 1801.

Addendum-RecDoc-2566:

Date: 6/17/1878
Publisher: Allegheny Weekly

Tragedy!
Horror!
A killer walks among us!

It is with a heavy heart that we turn our readerships attention to this assuredly sordid and ghastly tale—of a crime most foul perpetrated against the very future of our nation, the effects of which have stricken our community and left profound tragedy in its wake. On Wednesday night, authorities responding to reports of suspicious activity made a gruesome discovery in a local house owned by the late Abigail Wright. Officers McAllen and Winifred were greeted by the stench of death and decay upon entering the domicile, and discovered in the basement the aforementioned tenant. Slain and unceremoniously disposed of alongside the remains of at least three as of yet unidentifiable children.
Though the full details have yet to be released, a spokesman from within the precinct relayed to the press that the killer had slaughtered the occupant, and had been delegated her home for the apparent purpose of feeding on the nabbed babes. The mayor has established a curfew at seven o'clock, while authorities throughout the neighboring counties search for the fiend responsible for this abhorrent act.
Our prayers and condolences go out to the victims and their families, and we hope for the swift apprehension of the responsible individual. Those with any information pertaining to this crime may contact their local sheriffs office.

Date: 9/18/1892
Publication: Philadelphia Herald

"Allegheny Eater" trial conclusion:
Alberto Aquila to face execution.

A dark chapter in American history has finally come to a close. The previously renowned philanthropist, Alberto Aquila, who was discovered this past May attempting to dispose of his final victim, faces execution for his crimes against humanity.
His lawyers tried in vain to excuse his murders as the work of a diseased mind, as he attempted to justify his actions with the deranged belief that he could indefinitely prolong his life by consuming 'youthful flesh'.
The court however found the defendant to be competent enough to dismiss these claims, has found him guilty in all regards, and has sentenced him to death. cont pg 3

Date: 9/21/1892
Publication: Philadelphia Herald

The horror unleashed:
"Allegheny Eater" has an accomplice!

A manhunt is underway for convicted child-slayer Alberto Aquila, who escaped custody last night with the assistance of a masked individual. The masked man struck in the dead of night, cutting power to the temporary facility where Aquila was being held.
"I wasn't able to react in time." says officer Wilde, "Next thing I know, Carmichael is on the ground besides me, unconscious, and I have a gun in my face."
The man commanded him with a distinct Swiss accent, and forced to unlock the killer's cell, setting the murderer free and locking the officer in his place, in a twisted perversion of the social order. The masked man absconded with the felon and the duo made their departure, disappearing into the night. Wilde was released some time later, and officer Albert Carmichael was attended to for his injuries.
The assailant was described as of average height and build, and spoke with broken accent which was described to be of or Swiss origin or possibly hailing from the Germanies. The officer…cont pg 11

Exploration Log: DIM-3███-D (+27)

Foreword

Following the dissolution of Foundation/GOC Joint Task Force 2861-Omega "Ragna-blök", the dimension that held SCP-3███ (hereafter DIM-3███) remained accessible to Foundation personnel via Dimensional Site-712. The original SPIDER⁸ rift was opened aboard the sinking GOC Airship 'Legacy', by Eta-5 CO Sanders after the neutralization of SCP-3███.

Testimony provided by surviving members of MTF Eta-5 "Jäeger Bombers" indicated that an entity located somewhere within DIM-3███ had attempted to initiate an XK-Class Scenario.⁹ An exploration was proposed by Eta-5 Alpha CO Sanders, which was authorized by Jelani I████████¹⁰.

Four Class-R Aerial Drones (C-RAD-1-4) were deployed through the rift at Dimensional Site-712. Upon entry into DIM-3███, each was piloted in a different cardinal direction. Their cameras displayed an apparently endless ocean, covered in a thick layer of fog. Twelve hours after entry, C-RAD-3 came upon a large landmass (consisting of a mountainous taiga overlooking the coast) hidden by the mist. C-RAD-3 landed, and activated its installed SPIDER.

C-RAD-1,-2 and -4 continued their flight paths, continuously filming open ocean for several more hours; until their power supplies had expired. The SPIDER unit aboard the Legacy became submerged at this point and ceased function.

---

Exploration Log Day 1:

Date: 04/15/2███

Notes: The exploration team consisted of:

• Three D-Class personnel¹¹
• Two Level-2 Researchers¹²
• Five members of MTF Eta-5¹³

Upon entering DIM-3███, the rift was sealed from the Site-712 side, to prevent a possible breach of unknown entities into Foundation-owned extra-dimensional space. This rift was to be opened once every 48 hours to facilitate communication.

The team canvassed the area within a 3 sq. km. radius of the entry point, coming across a large boulder half-buried in the sand. A rope of indeterminable composition was tied to the slab, hypothesized to be the very same chain that SCP-3███ had been restrained with.

Dr. Romanov attempted to retrieve a sample of the luminescent, cerulean substance coating the frayed end of the chain, however the substance proved to be anomalously caustic and destroyed all equipment that came into contact with it.

Night fell instantly during their survey of the rock, prompting an early return. During the trek back to the Provisional Site, D-857 and D-128 claimed to hear melodic singing emanating from the woods. Agent Wu-Cheng corroborated their claims. Later that night, Agent Wu-Cheng abandoned his post on watch, absconding alongside said D-Class.

---

Exploration Log: Day 2

Date: 04/16/2███

Notes: A ring of standing stones, covered in runic inscriptions, was discovered 5 km. North of the entry point. Agent Matteus approached the stones to investigate the markings. She was subsequently shot by D-128; who had been lying in wait nearby, having somehow procured Agent Wu-Cheng's sidearm. Agent Matteus stumbled within the circle, and vanished. D-128 was terminated by the remaining squad members.

Minutes later, Agent Matteus reappeared outside the stone ring, claiming to have found traces of the same luminous substance from earlier. It was at this point CO Sanders returned to Dimensional Site-712 to submit a progress report. Agent Matteus had only received a glancing blow, and declined to return to Site-712 for medical attention.

---

Exploration Log: Day 3-6

Date: 04/17/2███

Notes: Sanders did not return when the rift was opened on 4/18 and 4/20.

A Search and rescue mission is currently underway, as of 4/21/2███ This mission has been cancelled, personnel have been recalled and further exploration has been suspended indefinitely. See Document: DIM-3███-A: Recovered information for more details.

DIM-3███-A: Recovered information (Requires Level 5 Clearance)

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Accessing File
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On 04/22/2███ the body of Agent Caruso was discovered via GPS tracker, having spontaneously appeared submerged in lake S███████ in ████████, Sweden. The following excerpts have been compiled from the remains of a waterlogged journal¹⁴ found on Agent Caruso's person.

4/16

[illegible] …few minutes to figure out that we needed blood to activate the thing. Just a few drops anywhere in the circle, and everything inside is transported. Matteus found more traces of that blue shit on the other side, so we know we're on the right track.

Once Sanders returned from 712 we made the jump.

Place we ended up in appears to exist in perpetual twilight. We came out at the base of this enormous friggin ash tree. Sanders decided we should [illegible], see if we can't find anymore of those stone circles. Yanirys stayed behind to guard the exit.

We started our trek heading counter-clockwise. A few hours in, and the forest gave way to a swamp and [illegible]…D-1023 found Wu's rifle half-buried in the muck. Still no sign of him or the missing D-Class though.

We decided to camp out here for now, Sanders figures that maybe Wu-Cheng is somewhere nearby, and he's gonna tear him a new one for deserting us. Michelle and Dr. Romanov keep bitching about the cold. The rest of the guys are huddled round the fire, bullshitting, as usual.

D-1023 keeps pestering me about my signing, says he's always wanted to learn. Maybe I'll teach him the alphabet. It's kind of pointless; teaching a dead dog new tricks, but I'm sure as hell not getting any sleep tonight.

[The rest of this page is water damaged and unreadable.]

4/17

I swear, they should've assigned Gulliver's Tourists to this shit, they're better suited to this dimension-hopping BS. Not to mention we haven't found a single LSA aside from that damn wolf, this isn't the type of mission fit for a Jäeger. If Sanders didn't have such a chubby for pleasing Director Ijanaru, I'd be [illegible] back at -712 wi…[illegible]…ber.

[illegible]…didn't think much of them at first, damn things would just stick their heads out of the water and watch us. Elaine saw one that she swore looked like Wu. I couldn't stop…[illegible]

She sloshed over to it, trying to coerce it out of the marsh.[illegible]…to save her. Romanov had her hand, trying to [illegible] for a few minutes before another one surfaced and grabbed him too.

We got the fuck outta dodge and kept to the path after that. If I never hear another violin again it'll be too soon.

We came across what we're guessing is one of roots of the tree. It stretched above the path, terminating somewhere deeper into the swamp. It's large enough to where we can safely camp atop it, I was finally able to break out Suzy. The root was strong enough for me to lock 'er down and keep guard. If I see another one of those heads again, I'm turning the fucker into paste.

[illegible]…shaking the tree, scurrying around. No one has been able to get a good look at it. I personally don't give a damn what it is, I just hope it doesn't notice us. We don't need the trouble after the day we just had.

[Section damaged and unreadable]

4/21

[illegible]…bsolutely fucking FUBAR! We completed our circuit this afternoon. [illegible]…was inaccessible. The whole area had been [illegible]. One of the standing stones was crushed, and we located another lying a few dozen meters away. We found what was left of Yanirys beneath it. She'd expended all of her ammo defending herself.

Matteus posited last night, before she died, that one of these circles should connect us directly to Earth. We're resting up for now, and we'll set off for the nearest circle in about an hour. Sure as hell hope this works.

4/22

This whole Goddamn expedition was a mistake! Sanders and [illegible]…deposited us [illegible] littoral cave system. We thought we'd made it out, that we'd wound up somewhere
[illegible]…brush up against my leg.

It wasn't until we got deeper in that we noticed them. Smell hit us as soon as we dropped down into the next area. Hundreds of them, maybe more [illegible] through the fucking bodies. Sanders never fucking saw it coming. I spotted it, as we were climbing back up. This thing, some kind of fucking giant [illegible]…snatched him right off the wall. [illegible]…me to go on without him.

[illegible]…, could still hear Sanders giving that thing Hell. Stubborn old fuck wouldn't go out without a fight.

I've made it back to the tree. There's still two more [illegible]…me at least a 50/50 chance, right?

You're Always on My Mind (+25)

Blackness. Emil was standing in a void. Unable to see. Unable to hear. He was holding something that began to move. Something wet.

He looked down to see himself holding a pulsating mass of organs. A tiny thing, in the approximate shape of a human. Intestine curled around the mass this way and that, clumped together and extended in places to give the impression of limbs. The brain was in the wrong spot, nestled against the stomach in the quivering lump's center. The heart, beating furiously, lay above a pair of milky white eyes that fixated upon him.

It started to shriek.

The shrill whine of his infant daughter pierced him. He watched as the mass writhed and contorted in his hands, smacking its lips and grasping at him with its pseudo-arms. Emil wanted to vomit. He wanted to run screaming mad, to never have to rest his eyes on something so horribly wrong. He wanted to just forget.

The crying grew in a horrible crescendo. Louder and louder. Losing any semblance of humanity and becoming a mechanical screech of an alarm clock.

03:30

Emil drug himself up, and silenced it. He sat in the silence of the bedroom for a moment, running shaky hands through his hair and letting out a pathetic whimper. Over his shoulder, he could see his wife, Julia. Her face was wrenched up in stress, a stream of tears rolling down her cheek. There was a time he'd wake her from her nightmares. A futile effort, he learned, as they came most nights regardless.

"It's just the stress," the doctor would tell them. "It isn't real, it's simply your mind's way of coping with what happened."

When they would try to explain how impossible it was for them to share precisely the same flawed memory of their stillborn child, the doctor would merely dismiss it. The mental image they shared of their daughter, according to the doctor, was merely a product of the young couple reciprocating and reaffirming each others delusion.

Had they brought it upon themselves?

Where did they go wrong? Hadn't they done everything right? Everyone around them had complimented their commitment. They took every class, read every volume, took the right vitamins; they had even cultured an immaculate environment for a natural birth at home. There were no holes, no flaws in their planning. Everything was perfect. They were supposed to be perfect.

He'd only woken up, and already Emil was a nervous wreck. Lifting himself up, he made his way towards the bathroom for his meds. The door to the empty bedroom adjacent to it lay open.

It hurt too much to look in there. He shut the door, choking up at the sound of the click.

Emil flipped the bathroom switch, squinting in the sudden glare. The pills lay next to the sink. Emil popped one of the little blue pills into his mouth and gagged from the bitter taste, and stared down the specter in the mirror.

He wasn't perfect though was he? There were so many little things he could have done better, right? It was all his fault. It had to be. The broken thing that clung to their mind's eye, penance. Conjured from their subconscious and layered over their recollection. The entire thing had been such a blur.

As much as they were urged by both friends and family, they wouldn't dare try for another. How could they expect to raise a child, when they couldn't pull themselves together?

Emil trudged back to the bedroom, the night terrors suddenly more appealing than his waking life. Upon crossing the threshold, he stopped dead in his tracks.

There was a stranger in his bedroom.

A wretch of a woman. Dirty, cracked nails traced circles on his wife's temple. Julia slept soundly though, and didn't stir. The intruder didn't seem to notice his presence. Emil slowly worked his way towards the corner of the room, making sure to keep his eyes on the crone. He reached out blindly, feeling for something, anything to defend themselves with.

He averted his eyes for just a second, spotting his old cricket bat.

Immediately, Emil had completely forgotten why he had been reaching for it in the first place. He grasped the bat, staring at it and turning it over in his hands. What had gotten him so worked up? Something seemed off. Before placing the bat in its place, Emil looked up and realized they had company.

A woman, youthful and lithe, was crossing the room towards him. The shredded clothing she wore revealed a peculiar horizontal scar across her stomach. There was a glow about it, a brilliant luminescent blue.

So powerful…

Her lips did not part to speak, the words instead arched seamlessly into his consciousness. A neutral, icy monotone that belied her femininity. She reached out towards him.

Emil was glued to the spot, unable to reply aside from an incoherent stammer. Her fingers brushed against his temple.

Thick, impermeable darkness. Back in the void. That weight in his arms. The screaming.

It wasn't just the child though. He heard his own voice, and that of his wife's. The darkness began to recede. Light and form penetrated the nothing that surrounded him. An odd feeling of déjà vu crept over Emil.

He was home. It was their big day, but Julia was screaming; incomprehensibly at first, but slowly, Emil could begin to make out her speech.

"…skin! Oh God! Where is her skin?"

A bright flash. He was fumbling with his phone, hyperventilating.

Another flash. Cradled with Julia and the little one. Trying to stay calm. She's still moving, so she's still alive. There's still hope. They just had to hold on long enough for the ambulance to arrive.

Another leap in time. There were paramedics accompanied by security guards. Most of them remained silent, save for one who was consoling his wife. They moved with diligence, stone-faced and efficient, unaffected by the gruesome scene. Everything was cleaned and disinfected.

They brought a tiny cot for the little one, and carried her out. The two of them had to stay behind for now, the woman who seemed to be in charge had said so. It was a delicate situation, she explained, it would all make sense soon.

The last thing he felt was a sharp pain in his neck.

Before Emil opened his eyes. He had fallen to the floor. The Woman in Rags offered her hand, and helped him to his feet. He noticed that her wound was absent. Eyeing him coolly, she spoke, "I felt it from the street. I could feel the scar." With this, she raised a finger, indicating her temple.

"You mean, we're not… I'm not—"

Delusional? No more than any other man.

The stranger turned away, slowly walking towards the far wall. Those men you saw, they couldn't heal it. They instead tried to bury it; and so untreated, it festered. She paused. If you'd like, I could remove it entirely. It is within my power to obscure her visage from your conscious. You won't have to look upon it.

He stole a glance at Julia, and looked back to the stranger.

She met his gaze, answering before he could ask. I opened her mind whilst she slept. I showed her Truth. We had our words, she made her choice.

The promise of blissful ignorance was tantalizing. Could it really be so simple? Could such a thing be neatly tucked away? Isn't this what he had prayed for? She was offering a chance to move on. An opportunity to finally be free.

Free from what, exactly? He had been given clarity, and context. The image of their daughter had not been supplanted by their guilt manifest, it was not some twisted memento superimposed over their reality. It had always been her. She had always been a real person, if only for a short while. Could he possibly consign her memory to oblivion?

"No. Thank you, but no."

At this, the stranger nodded, and passed through the wall, into the night, and out of his life.

Emil crossed the room and collapsed into bed, sick and dizzy from a swirl of emotion. To the surface, above the pain, above the sorrow, above the regret, rose relief, gratitude, love. It was a time that should be remembered, however fleeting. A life that should be cherished, however fragile. An existence that should be celebrated in all its beauty. This one last, little bit of her deserved to live on. In their hearts, in their memories.

In their dreams.

paddy proposal

FADE IN:

INT. SITE-19/MZL-1730 - DAY

In a darkened chamber within the depths of the former Site-19, DR LISLE NAISMITH is strapped to a chair before an antique television set which is the sole source of light — the room is cast in its dull-grey glow. We see DR. NAISMITH from the back. The television screen is monochrome, and is currently airing an old-timey commercial for a breakfast cereal: "Dr. Wondertainment's Choco-Wonder Explosion Marshmallow Bites". Animated children crunch down on the musical treat and smile widely.

CUT IN: Zoom shot of a multisegmented mechanical arm, it descends from a hidden hatch in the ceiling, holding within its claw an eye-dropper. It lowers before the face of DR. NAISMITH, whose eyelids can be seen to have been surgically removed. The claw deposits two drops into each of his eyes, and departs. The camera zooms out, allowing us to see the darkened room behind him, but keeps focused on Dr. NAISMITH's face.

A Big Band jazz tune plays on the television.

NARRATOR

(offscreen)
Hi there, boys and girls! The circus is in town, and Ol' Paddy is taking the day off to enjoy the sights! I wonder if our dear friend can stay out of trouble today, so let's join him!

Calliope music plays over the television, laughter and indistinct conversation can be heard. This is drowned out by a knock at the door. The television goes silent.

PADDY

(offscreen)

Are you fucking serious right now?!

(screaming)

What?!

The shot refocuses. Behind DR. NAISMITH, the chamber door opens with a slam. Light spills in from the hallway, silhouetting the figure of BOBBLE THE CLOWN.

BOBBLE

(in a singsong voice)

Nick nack, Paddy-whack, how the hell are you!

INTERCUT CONVERSATION

The television screen is shown. It hosts a blank, monochrome backdrop. PADDY THE PELICAN stands at the foreground, wings akimbo, infuriated.

PADDY

I'm livid is 'how the hell I am', clown! Do you have any idea how long it took me to make the episode you're interrupting? I had to write the script, scout a setting, construct the set, round up all my actors, teach them their lines, the works! This shit doesn't happen overnight you rainbow nightmare!

BOBBLE enters the room and approaches the chair holding DR. NAISMITH.

BOBBLE

He-he! Paddy, Paddy, Paddy, relax! Just a — heh!— moment of your time. I've got a favor to ask.

Paddy begins jumping up and down, and gesticulates wildly.

PADDY

A favor? A favor?! You're barging into my room, in the middle of my show, and think that I'm going to pull everything to a screeching halt just for you? Reap what you sow, shit-for-brains! Reap what you sow! I'm trying to entertain my audience and —

BOBBLE

Your audience? This man — ha HA! — right here?

Bobble withdraws a pistol. He holds it against the temple of DR NAISMITH.

BOBBLE

(continuing)

The one I delivered to you upon request, in my — hee hee — infinite generosity?

PADDY

No! Don't you dare!

BOBBLE pulls the trigger, eliciting the sound of a gunshot. PADDY shrieks. From within the gun comes a flag on a stick. "BANG!" is emblazoned across it.

PADDY wipes his brow.

PADDY

Whew!

BOBBLE waits a beat, then beats DR NAISMITH several times in the head with the butt of his pistol. He strikes him again and again, laughing maniacally all the while, until he breaks through DR NAISMITH's skull, exposing brain matter.

BOBBLE

Oopsie! The Bobble giveth, the Bobble — HA! — taketh away. Looks like your schedule is cleared.

BOBBLE points the gun upwards, in front of his lips, and blows. He twirls it on a forefinger and sticks it in his backpocket.

PADDY

(screaming)

You coulrophobia-inducing freak!!! Do you realize what you just did? I am going to fuck you! Fuck you! No remorse! Full thrust! Right in the eye! Reap what you sow, asshole! You think I don't know who you are under all that makeup? You think I don't know about you and the Jackson 5? I will spoon feed you your own entrails shitheel!

CUT IN

We're inside PADDY'S cartoon world, PADDY is still in the middle of his tirade.

PADDY

(continuing)

Reap what you sow! Reap what you sow! Reap what you —

A gloved hand comes from offscreen, tapping PADDY on the shoulder. PADDY turns to find BOBBLE, rendered in monochrome. He is standing with a wide-toothed grin in front of PADDY's house, which is aflame. The head of MAURRY THE MUSKRAT is impaled upon a spike in front of the house. It would have 'X's for eyes, if it weren't for the fact that it was still alive and screaming.

BOBBLE

Listen here, bird.

BOBBLE grows progressively larger as he speaks.

BOBBLE

(continuing)

I am bigger than you. Stronger than you. Better animated than you. I can fucking unmake you! I! Am! God!

PADDY cowers in BOBBLE's shadow.

BOBBLE

(offscreen, voice booming)

You do not threaten a God! You grovel! You wallow! You be thankful for each and every day your God allows you to live! Do! You! Understand?!

PADDY shivers vigorously on the ground, wings covering his head.

PADDY

Shit! Yes! Yes! I'm sorry! Yes!

INTERCUT CONVERSATION

BOBBLE is once again standing beside the chair holding DR. NAISMITH.

BOBBLE

(normal voice)

Ha-Ha! Splendid! Let's cut to the chase. Our way of life is in danger, Paddy my boy.

PADDY perks his head up, and comes to a stand.

PADDY

Danger? I thought you had everything under control? Did some prisoners escape? Are the Meatheads on to us?

BOBBLE wags his finger.

BOBBLE

Oh, no nothing like that. Earth is still… well, the whole plan's chugging on along the right course. What brings me here isn't an issue with the Mans; the threat to our continued operations comes from outside space and time, time, time, time, time.

PADDY stares, nonplussed at the theatrics and expectant.

BOBBLE frowns, and produces a sheaf of papers from his back pocket.

BOBBLE

Everything you need to know is in this packet.

BOBBLE extends his hand. It passes through the television screen, and PADDY takes the sheaf of papers.

PADDY studies the papers for a moment, rifling through them while muttering. He pauses midway through the open sheaf.

PADDY

The… Planet of Hands?

BOBBLE waves his arms in the air.

BOBBLE

That's right! They're aliens, Paddy! They're on their way here right now to take all our Mans, Paddy! They want to march up on our planet and steal our Mans right out from under us and ship them off to their torture planet in East Glorbofuck where they'll torment them for all eternity!

BOBBLE moves more animatedly as he continues.

BOBBLE

And we're not going to stand for this, Paddy! That's our schtick! If anyone is going to torture our Mans it's gonna be us, Paddy-whack! These are our Mans, Paddy! We're gonna stand our ground!

PADDY looks up from the sheaf, eyebrow raised.

PADDY

And just what do you think I'm supposed to do about all that?

BOBBLE leans in.

BOBBLE

You, my feathered friend, are going to write… A Zero-Zero-One Proposal!

BOBBLE enthusiastically jazz hands. PADDY stands with his wings on his hips, clearly not amused.

BOBBLE

Tee-El-Dee-Are, you're going to come up with a plan to stop the invaders, ho-ho! You're perfect for the job! I need someone with an All-Seeing Eye and a vicious streak that can conjure up a foolproof plan to send these pompous pricks a' packing! You fit the er — heh — 'bill' as it were.

PADDY crosses his arms.

PADDY

You're entrusting the fate of our world to a cartoon pelican?

BOBBLE stares wide-eyed for a moment, then keels over laughing. He points at PADDY and mocks him for several minutes. Each time his laughter begins to die down, PADDY attempts to speak, causing an extension of BOBBLE's laughing fit. This continues for an uncomfortably long time.

BOBBLE

Ah! Haha! That's a good one. I may be loony, Paddy, but I'm not an idiot. I have our good friend, Laughy Laugherson, working on a Proposal of his own.

PADDY throws the sheaf to the ground, and rolls up his sleeves.

PADDY

Laughy? Why, that two-bit eldritch hack couldn't entertain his way out of a paper bag! You think that sunnuvabitch can outdo me? I'll show ya! I'll show you what Paddy can do! Reap what you sow, cocksucker! Reap what you sow!

BOBBLE rocks back on his feet.

BOBBLE

Wonderful! I'll need to have it on my desk in the morning. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a 10:30 session planned out for Agent LaFerrier. I've collected every single iteration of them from across the big-wide multiverse so I can cut 'em all up and see if I can put them back together again! Oh, how I love jigsaw puzzles… emphasis on the 'saw'! Hee-hee!

BOBBLE turns on his heel, and walks towards the door.

BOBBLE

Toodle-oo!

CUT TO

BOBBLE is in the hallway; he closes the door to PADDY's suite behind him. He looks up, noticing the camera.

BOBBLE

Oh, hello there! Things are about to get started on Paddy's end. If you're looking for Laughy's Proposal, I'm afraid you're in the wrong place. Simply refresh this page to see what dastardly scheme Chucklefuck Number Two cooks up!

If you refresh and find yourself on the same page, then you're a terrible simpleton who can't get anything right and you should be ashamed of yourself!

This is Bobble signing off!

Bobble saunters down the hallway, whistling merry melodies.

FADE TO BLACK

Actual fucking science! I would go at length to explain to you the complexity of the forces involved herein, but my time would be wasted. Just appreciate the pretty colors and be thankful that people way smarter than you provide your ungrateful ass the luxury of a modern sedentary lifestyle.

Man Number: MZL-001

Object Class: Apollyoff

Man Zoo Specifications: MZL-001 is to be protected at all costs from Bunch of Fucks-997 "The Planet of Hands", as it is the sole source of our most valuable commodity: soft, exploitable Mans. To this end, the Department of Entertainment is to be afforded any and all personnel for the purposes of cross-testing and exposure. Further details can be found in later addenda, which took me hours to write, you impatient half-wits, so stay tuned.

Site-42, Site-5¹⁵, Site-17, and the Skyzone in Trenton, New Jersey have been commandeered for experimentation purposes. Pizza will be served.

Now We Explain the Things and Stuff: MZL-001 is the planet Earth. I really hope you don't need me to describe this any further. "Oh, Paddy! Please! I need several paragraphs of exposition detailing the planet I fucking live on!" My eye is twitching right now.

MZL-001 is currently the target of a hostile invasion from BoF-997, and as such, plans and preparations are being put in place to defend MZL-001 and her peoples (that we may murder them instead). PROJECT SYMBOLICNAME has been engineered by the esteemed and dashing Dr. P. Elican in order to deter the threat imposed by BoF-997. It consists of the utilization and combination of a multitude of anomalous persons, concepts, and artifacts which, taken altogether, form a VOLTRON of badass. The resulting entities are designated MZL-001-(Phonetic Designation), and comprise Paddy Force Fox Theta! ("Losers"). But first:

ADDENDUM THE RECKONING — JUST THROW SOME D-CLASS AT IT

A single member of BoF-997 was captured by Man Zoo League forces. Seems the alien was a "scout" of sorts, as BoF-997 isn't entirely sure which planet the human race inhabits. Since then, multiple termination attempts have been carried out against the entity known as 'Abdaicus', a massive, 10-foot tall humanoid. Murder attempts include blunt-force trauma, strangulation, execution via firing squad, burning, electrocution, freezing, and a nuclear blast. It is the findings of our research team that this fucker is Vigo the Carpathian on crack.

Multiple predictive and knowledge-based anomalies have been consulted in order to find a solution to this dilemma — each has failed in this task, citing 'Forbidden Knowledge' or some form of future-obscuring haze. Dr P. Elican, wise as he most certainly is, went as far as approaching the Puppy Machine.

The first request "something that will kill the alien I have tied up in my basement", caused the machine to chime, as that query had previously been submitted. The second request "something that can kill Abdaicus, goddamnit, you know what I meant" (alongside several furiously-scrawled "Reap what you sow"s) produced a successful result. The machine activated.

A single puppy was deposited into the game area. This was followed by the production of a common shrike, holding within its beak a sharpened twig. The shrike studied the puppy for a moment, inquisitively, prior to stabbing it in the jugular with its twig. I have no idea what the fuck that's supposed to mean, so I'm just going to start throwing Disposable-Class anomalies at it out of sheer frustration.

Disposable Class Designation	Test	Results
D-1370 - Pesterbot	D-1370 entered the testing chamber. It assaulted Abdaicus' big toe while talking all kinds of shit we knew it couldn't back up.	D-1370 crushed betwixt the entities thumb and forefinger. Its remains have been mounted and fitted with animatronics. It now sings "Uptown Funk" at passerby in a shrill voice… no one is sure if this is an improvement.
D-4357-J - P'rantortiz the Vile	D-4357-J attempted to use the burning intensity of pure Hellfire to smite Abdaicus, calling upon the full might of Hell's legions.	Abdaicus received a light tan from the experience, then proceeded to engage D-4357-J in conversation. D-4357-J, disarmed by his demeanor, unwittingly began to divulge sensitive information that could lead to Abdaicus' escape. D-4357-J terminated via blasting the Lord's Prayer over intercom. Reaped what he sew.
D-096 - Shyguy	D-096 placed in Abdaicus' chamber, and the paper sack removed from its head. Realizing its face had been sighted by Abdaicus, D-096 went on the offensive, violently assaulting and attempting to [DATA CENSORED] the alien. Physical assault had no effect. Once D-096 tired itself out, Abdaicus produced a mirror, and gave it to D-096. Abdaicus explained that D-096 is actually very beautiful on the inside, and that it should accept this.	D-096, upon exiting the chamber, is no longer found to be anomalous. Looking at its face (who would want to though? eergh!) produces no effect. Being essentially a normal Mans — albeit a very ugly and malnourished one — D-096 was terminated via gunshot and its body lumped into the dumpster behind Arby's.
D-2800 - "Cactusman"	Volunteered. Claimed to know in its heart of hearts that only they were capable of defeating the alien menace, and that all of their life had been leading to this moment. D-2800 entered the chamber nude, produced full-body spines, screamed an admittedly impressive battle cry, and rushed towards the alien menace.	D-2800 tripped and fell face-first onto the floor. He was found to be incapable of righting himself on account of lodging his spines in the linoleum. D-2800 repeatedly asked for assistance from researchers over the next several hours, but we were too busy making fun of him. Currently utilized by the alien as a loofa.
D-3589 - Armando	D-3589 removes his arms, casting discarded ones aside, until he grows replacement arms rivalling the size of the alien's. D-3589 then challenges Abdaicus to an arm-wrestling contest. While the alien was distracted, all of D-3589's detached arms animated. They began to interlock, with those composed of various metals composing a frame, and those composed of esoteric nuclear materials and plasmas filling its center. The arm-amalgamation came to form a massive laser cannon.	The cannon began to charge, rising into the air and pointing downwards at Abdaicus' head. Just as the laser fired, Abdaicus cocked his head to pick his ear. The full blast hit D-3589, who was incinerated. Follow-up investigation found D-3589's cause of death to be humerus.
D-049 - Dr. Plague Doctor	D-049 submitted a request to interact with the alien in order to determine if it was afflicted by "the pestilence" that it may cure it. This was allowed by the research team owing to the lethality of its touch. During D-049's initial examination, it became clear that his touch was incapable of killing Abdaicus, who was annoyed by the doctor's presence. The alien became enraged, and exclaimed his intentions to murder the good doctor. Everyone gathered around to watch. Cain made popcorn.	Before Abdaicus could turn D-049 into a red smear on the test chamber wall, A Birdfellow burst into the room, shrieking like a madman about "saving daddy" and brandishing his pointy doctor stick. It was with said doctor stick that Birdfellow penetrated the everloving fuck out of the alien's heretofore-impenetrable hide. Abdaicus bled out and micturated.

Closing Statement: Fuck me sideways. —Paddy

INTERLUDE - BOBBLE FUN TIME SPECTACULAR!

FADE IN

INT - OFFICE OF THE OVERBOBBLE - DAY

We open in what was once the office of the Director of Site 19. It's received a garrish, rainbow makeover, and all the walls and furniture are adorned with happy, animated faces. Two large covered birdcages sit atop the desk, framing the figure of DIRECTOR ZYN KIRYU who is gagged and bound to her seat. She struggles against her restraints. BOBBLE the Clown prances in from stage right.

BOBBLE

Oh, Zynieee! Iiiiiiit's feeding time! Ha-ha! Let's see what's on the menu today!

BOBBLE removes the cover from the birdcage on the right. Inside, a dozen butterflies with beautiful wing-patterns resembling a nebula flit about. BOBBLE opens the cage door, reaches inside, and roughly grabs a handful of the insects. With his free hand, he removes the gag from DIRECTOR ZYN's mouth and swiftly forces the handful of bugs inside when she gasps for breath. He then proceeds to stuff her gag back in.

BOBBLE

Mmmmm! So yummy! These Thought Messengers are the perfect — hoo-hoo! — brain-food! Got to keep the ol' noggin sharp, now!

DIRECTOR ZYN thrashes in her chair. The gag muffles her retching and screaming.

BOBBLE turns about and notices the camera. He goes wide-eyed.

BOBBLE

Oh! Well howdy-ho there, boys and girls!

BOYS AND GIRLS

(offscreen, in unison)
Howdy-ho, Bobble!

BOBBLE hops over the desk.

BOBBLE

To get you all caught up on things, Ol' Paddy is taking a break! He had a bit of a meltdown back there, so we're going to all hang out while we wait for that goofy bird to get his bearings!
Some good news though! Turns out that our affable mascot, Able, was able to capture that stinky-meaniehead alien with his Super Hug! Now, we've got the bugger down in our testin — er… I mean torture chamber! The sooner we figure out what makes the aliens tick, the sooner we can ruthlessly murder their whole species to a man! Pretty swell, right?

BOYS AND GIRLS

(offscreen, in unison)
Ab-so-lutely Bobble!

BOBBLE jumps up and down, clapping his hands excitedly. Behind him, DIRECTOR ZYN has fallen unconscious.

BOBBLE

Golly gee! I'm so glad you think so!

BOBBLE raises a finger.

BOBBLE

Now, in other news —

BOBBLE is cut off by the sound of klaxon alarms. The lights dim, and the room becomes cast in a strobing red light. BOBBLE feigns shock.

BOBBLE

Oop! Looks like the Man Zoo security alarms have been tripped!

BOBBLE grins widely, and points to the camera.

BOBBLE

And you all know what that means, right boys and girls?

BOYS AND GIRLS

(offscreen, in unison)
It's Doctor Kondraki!

BOBBLE squeals with joy.

BOBBLE

Thaaaat's right! Oh, you're so smart!
For all my New Friends in the audience, let me explain: Doctor Kondraki is one of the Mans we keep here at Man Zoo 1730, but unlike most Mans, who we keep under lock and key…

BOBBLE points a thumb over his shoulder at DIRECTOR ZYN.

BOBBLE

(continuing)
We allow 'Draki free roam of the facility!
You see, 'Draki is a wily one. He's somehow able to consistently thwart our security systems in fun and imaginative ways! This is super helpful, you see, because then our Director of False Sense of Security, Mr. Bear, can address these gaps in our defenses before they can be utilized by other Mans for escape and-slash-or sabotage!

The camera begins to slowly zoom out, such that the entire room can be seen. In the far corner of the room, we can see DR KONDRAKI sitting crouched behind a potted plant. It is nowheres near large enough to obscure him.

BOBBLE

Now, then.

BOBBLE pantomimes binoculars, and leans about surveying the room.

BOBBLE

Can you see Doctor Kondraki?
(pause)
Can you see Doctor Kondraki?
(pause)
Can you see Doctor Kondraki?

There is silence, and then…

BOYS AND GIRLS

(offscreen, in unison)
He's right there!

BOBBLE leaps in surprise. He turns to face DOCTOR KONDRAKI in the corner.

BOBBLE

He is! He is right there! Great job, boys and girls!
Come on out, 'Draki!

DOCTOR KONDRAKI stands, grumbling. He dusts himself off and approaches BOBBLE.

BOBBLE

So, what's it today, 'Draki? Which of our security systems did you exploit this time?

DOCTOR KONDRAKI

Like hell I'll answer you, you sunnuva bitch!

Bobble winks at the camera.

BOBBLE

Isn't he just a peach, kids?

BOBBLE pinches DR KONDRAKI''s cheek, who swats him away.

BOBBLE

Come, come, Doctor. Let's not keep our audience waiting!

DOCTOR KONDRAKI snarls. He prods BOBBLE's nose aggressively as he speaks, with each poke eliciting a loud squeak.

DOCTOR KONDRAKI

I'll reveal nothing! I've got your number now, Bobble! You're finished! You're done! Toast! 
Soon as I get out of here, I'll set plans in motion to bring this whole goddamn circus of yours tumbling down! Death to the Man Zoo! Death to the Overbobble!

BOBBLE smiles at the camera. He galivants about, twirling around DOCTOR KONDRAKI. BOBBLE tusses his hair.

BOBBLE

Oh, but you are going to tell me, friendo!

BOBBLE's twirling places him next to the desk, beside the still-covered birdcage. BOBBLE daintily pinches the covering.

BOBBLE

Otherwise, well — hee-hee! — once the Director here comes-to, I'll have to get her started on the main course!

BOBBLE pulls back the covering, revealing the cage's inhabitant: A miniature, nude Gilbert Gottfried sits within the cage. It grabs the flesh around its neck, pulling its face off to reveal that it has the head of a duck. It waves to the camera.

BOBBLE cocks his head.

BOBBLE

Wha— huh? Whoa. Heh-heh. Holy fuck, dude. That's not right. One sec.

BOBBLE produces an electrified rod from his trousers, and jabs at the entity within the cage. Instantly, the Gilbert Gottfried Thing explodes into a mass of zebra butterflies.

DOCTOR KONDRAKI goes pale.

DOCTOR KONDRAKI

No! No, you wouldn't!

BOBBLE puts his arm around the doctor.

BOBBLE

Of course I would, silly! It's hardly a hostage situation if I don't follow through now, is it?
But… erm… Looks like our Director here is still taking a nap, so I could just get us started off by tearing the wings off a few of your friends here, right? Ha ha!

DOCTOR KONDRAKI jumps forward, hugging the cage of Illusory Butterflies.

DOCTOR KONDRAKI

No! No. There will be… no need for that.

BOBBLE squees and produces a notepad and pen. He looks to DOCTOR KONDRAKI with an eyebrow raised.

DOCTOR KONDRAKI

Maintenance room, fourth floor. There's a loose bit of paneling that would allow one to get inside the walls and, from there, access the sixth floor's reactor room.
It would have been trivial to arm the Site's emergency warhead and send this cursed place to kingdom come.

A green light bathes the room. BOBBLE finishes his note-taking, and tucks his writing implements into a back pocket.

BOBBLE

That wasn't so hard now, was it? And wouldn't you know it, kids, we're just in time! Paddy is giving us the green light to wrap things up here!

DR. LIZARD trods in from stage left.

BOBBLE notices DR. LIZARD.

BOBBLE

And speaking of timely, here's DR. LIZARD, ready to take our human pal back to his room!

DOCTOR KONDRAKI grumbles, and falls to his hands and knees. DR. LIZARD straddles his back.

BOBBLE

Giddyup, Dr. Lizard!

DR. LIZARD snarls.

Dr. LIZARD

(translated via subtitles)
Hi-yo Silver, away!

DR. LIZARD slaps DOCTOR KONDRAKI on the ass, and the latter doctor begins slowly and painfully carrying the weight of the reptilian doctor. They exit stage left.

BOBBLE addresses the camera.

BOBBLE

Whelp, that's all we have for today, boys and girls! So long for now!

BOYS AND GIRLS

(offscreen, in unison)
So long, Bobble!

BOBBLE

Oh! And don't forget to murder your parents in their sleep! Remember: Bobble is the only one who truly loves you! Bye-bye!

BOBBLE waves as BOBBLE's THEME plays.

FADE TO BLACK

Add-on: PROJECT SYMBOLICNAME Components - PFFT! Losers:

• Senior Staff member Able + Chief Executive of Happiness, Larry =

MZL-001-Alpha: Able the Amorous Alpaca

- At the cost of countless lives and extensive property damage sustained over the course of a several-month long engagement, Able is successfully inserted into Larry the Loving Llama. There is literally no strategic element to this, it was just funny as fuck. No regrets. Seriously. You have got to hear that overbuff jackoff espousing his undying loyalty to fun times and maintaining kayfabe. He's our new mascot.

• Director of Cousins - Johnny + This adorable little squid we found sitting all alone in a tank. We can touch it right? I'm gonna touch it. =

MZL-001-Bravo: Cousin Squishy

- A strange and alluring entity which appears at family gatherings, business meetings, religious ceremonies, and Friday Night Magic. All who perceive him become convinced that he is a near and dear relative, and are compelled against all logic, reasoning, and social inhibitions to touch his squishiest regions. Kind of hard to invade a planet when you're busy feeling up an eldritch monstrosity, eh?

• Agent Purple - The Streamliner + Agent Orange - The Minotaur =

MZL-001-Charlie: Deus Ex Mock-u-ma

- Agent Purple pataphysically inserted into the narrative domain of Agent Orange through exploiting specialized pan-textual techniques¹⁶. The resulting narrative amalgamation is to be introduced anywhere BoF-997 attempts to trump the Man Zoo League's efforts in a meta sense. Agent Purple will be introduced into their stories to end them prematurely such that it can get to the good part: Agent Orange brutally beating them to death.

An unfortunate few will instead be subjected to Iteration F… which, thanks to Purple's Streamlining capabilities, consists of a single paragraph describing ejaculation and post-coitus cuddles.

• Dr Grinner - Orthodontist + The Colonel - Six Foot Man-Eating Chicken =¹⁷

MZL-001-Delta: SMILE-HEN

Right. So, I'll admit we didn't think this one through. I mean, I just wanted to make a gag about chicken having lips, but then everybody started turning to teeth, MZL-001-Delta started reproducing all over the place — and I mean ALL over the place… We uhh, well, they have Australia now. It's pretty fucked up, even by our standards. With any luck, that's where the invaders will land first, and maybe those problems will sort each other out.

• Director of Religious Studies - """God"""¹⁸ + This ugly statue we keep in the lobby =

MZL-001-Echo: Smother Teresa

- A humanoid of indeterminable race covered in Krylon-brand spray paint and wearing flowing white robes. Looks to be generally inoffensive, but when no one is looking, will attempt to suffocate anyone in its immediate vicinity with the application of a Jesus body pillow. Likely Probably full of sin.

Fecal matter and blood can be found with frightening regularity in places where MZL-001-Echo frequents. She insists the source of these fluids is unknown.

DLC Pack 1: The Battle for Earth

EXT - CITYSCAPE - DAY

Establishing shot of the city, shot from on-high.

NARRARATOR

Previously, on Anom-All Z!

A bright pillar of light rapidly extends from the heavens, loudly crashing down off in the distance. The Earth quakes. The pillar is luminescent and massive, much taller than the highest skyscrapers.

EXT - CITY STREETS - DAY

The pavement where the pillar struck is cracked. Chunks of ground jut up in uneven chunks. Wrecked vehicles litter the area. CITIZENS are in a panic: some hide behind wrecked vehicles, others shout into their phone, some are fleeing.

The pillar parts in the middle, each half swings open. Smoke billows out. Darkness can be seen within.

Two figures emerge from within the darkness. Each is massive, easily a storey in height, and stark nude¹⁹. To the left, a woman: LAYANNA. She is lean and olive-skinned. Her hair is a vibrant purple that zigs and zags diagonally upwards. Beside her, on the right, is GIRHAM. He is a bulky, pasty man. He's bald, but sports a thick, bushy brown beard that drops to his rippling six-pack. Both entities conveniently speak English.

LAYANNA

It would seem that we have found our planet of runaways, Brother!

GIRHAM bellows a mighty laugh.

GIRHAM

[to LAYANNA]

It would seem so, dear Sister!

GIRHAM raises his hands, palms facing outwards.

GIHAM

(shouting)

Greetings! Set aside your earthly woes, little runts, for we are your Masters! Behind me is a portal, beyond which is your true home! If only you fall to your knees and beg our forgiveness, we will take you there!

LAYANNA beckons towards the pillar.

LAYANNA

We will return you to your rightful place! Blissful, eternal suffering to provide paradise for the elite! Isn't that lovely?

A soda can comes from offscreen, striking GIRHAM beside the head. He doesn't flinch.

CITIZEN

(offscreen)

Screw you, asshole!

GIRHAM looks to LAYANNA.

GIRHAM

And here I thought we weren't going to have a chance to have any fun!

LAYANNA

Come, let us make waste to this foolish little thing our runaways have built.

INTERCUT ACTION

LAYANNA's hands sparkle with golden electricity, she thrusts her hands forward, and a hot ray of energy shoots out.

Fleeing CITIZENS, cars, parking meters and signposts are vaporized in the light.

GIRHAM holds out a hand. A massive sword manifests from the aether. He grips the hilt and swings.

Several CITIZENS are cut in twain by the strike.

CUT TO:

EXT CITYSCAPE - DAY

Return to the opening shot. GIRHAM and LAYANNA can be heard laughing, CITIZENS are screaming. Periodic quakes rock the landscape. Explosions can be seen. Buildings crumble around the pillar.

CUT TO:

EXT - CITY STREETS

A WOMAN is clutching her BABY. She's on the ground behind an upturned truck, hiding in the shadows. She is whimpering. Crunching metal is heard, and shade gives way to light. The WOMAN looks up in horror.

GIRHAM stands, sword in one hand, truck in the other. He casually tosses the truck over his shoulder. GIRHAM laughs menacingly. The WOMAN screams.

CUT TO:

EXT CITYSCAPE - DAY

NARRARATOR

Alien invaders! What will become of humanity?! Will our heroes put a stop to their reign of terror? Find out, on today's episode of Anom-All Z!

CREDIT SEQUENCE

私の心、私の愛：燃える山 (My Heart, My Love: A Burning Mountain) - by Inoama and the Industrials plays over frenetic, fast-paced scenes of our anomaly protagonists clashing against the bad guys. During slow portions of the song, our heroes are portrayed staring pensively into the sunset, or sitting beside a flowing river.

END CREDIT SEQUENCE

FADE IN

We open up where the preview left off. GIRHAM stands over the defenseless WOMAN cowering and holding her BABY.

He takes a knee.

GIRHAM

Now, now, little one. Don't fret.

GIRHAM extends his free hand.

GIRHAM

You and your child have the opportunity to embark on a noble and selfless task. Your torment is crucial to maintaining our utopia! Please. Come with me. Allow yourself to become part of the Grand Design. I do not wish this babe to die in vain.

The WOMAN recoils, clutching her BABY tighter.

WOMAN

No! Get away from me, you psycho!

GIRHAM sighs. He stands.

GIRHAM

Very well. Then, you must die.

GIRHAM grips his blade in both hands. He raises the blade over his head. The WOMAN screams. GIRHAM grunts and brings the blade down forcibly.

Everything goes black. A white streak of light slices across the screen, accompanied by the sound of clashing blades.

GIRHAM's sword has been halted against another blade. This new sword is a claymore. It sports a large vacant spot where the middle of the blade would be -- the tip of the weapon floats of its own accord. Through this gap in the blade, we can see that its wielder is none other than BOBBLE the Clown. He's sporting his usual attire, but his hat is absent. His hair is spiky, neon orange, and highly stylized against the forces of gravity. BOBBLE looks up at GIRHAM with contempt.

A sick guitar-riff sounds off.

BOBBLE

Not on my watch!

BOBBLE looks over his shoulder and addresses the WOMAN.

BOBBLE

What are you waiting for?! Get out of here! Run!

The WOMAN nods, and runs down a sidestreet and out of sight.

BOBBLE pushes his blade against GIRHAM's, forcing the alien backwards. GIRHAM stumbles, recomposes himself, and laughs.

GIRHAM

Sister, come hither! Come witness this silly little man that thinks it can stand against the all-powerful on its lonesome!

LAYLANNA descends from the sky, landing beside GIRHAM.

BOBBLE stands staring towards the ground.

BOBBLE

'Lonesome', huh? You think I came out here by myself?

BOBBLE looks up at the pair. His eyes are full of fiery determination.

BOBBLE

No! I've brought my friends with me!

Indistinct shouting and whooping is heard. In the streets land our heroes: Mobile Task Force PFFT! - ("Losers"). As each is shown on-screen, the picture freeze-frames, displaying their name, title, and MTF designation.

MTF-ALPHA — ABLE THE AMOROUS ALPACA touches ground first. He spins on a heel, and wags his long neck about, shouting gleefully. He's caught mid-spin for his freeze-frame.

MTF ALPHA

I Wuv You!

Next up, MTF BRAVO — COUSIN SQUISHY. He's a heavyset, translucent blue humanoid with long, flowing anime-hair. He shouts an odd, indecipherable and wet-sounding phrase, and flexes for the freeze-frame.

MTF BRAVO

(translated in subtitles)

Get ready for defeat!

MTF CHARLIE — "DEUS EX" lands next. Her features are obscured beneath form-fitting white spandex and matching helmet. She does a kawaii gesture for her freeze-frame.

MTF CHARLIE

Let's get on with it already!

MTF DELTA — SMILE-HEN lands next. The giant, tooth-covered chicken-man sports six dots emblazoned on its forehead. It giggles in a shrill, girly voice. It poses with its proto-wings spread-eagle.

MTF DELTA

Ca-Caw!

MTF ECHO — SMOTHER TERESA lands last. She jumps up and down, and hugs her Jesus body pillow tight for their freeze-frame.

MTF ECHO

Jesus loves you! This I know!

The five enter battle-stances.

MTF PFFT! Losers

(in unison)

Man Zoo League Super Force Go!

GIRHAM and LAYANNA look on in utter confusion. LAYANNA's brow furrows.

LAYANNA

What is the meaning of this? Exactly who are you lot?

BOBBLE chuckles to himself, eyes on the ground.

BOBBLE

I'm glad you asked.

BOBBLE snaps his fingers. ICKY the Clown manifests beside him, grinning. The pair take on a complex series of dramatic poses as they recite their motto:

BOBBLE

Get ready for gruesome!

ICKY

A kooky twosome!

BOBBLE

To protect the world from defenestration!

ICKY

To keep the Mans in our machinations!

BOBBLE

To save our world from alien fucks!

ICKY

To… uhh.. To catalogue all anomalous ducks?

ICKY

Icky!

BOBBLE

Bobble!

ICKY

Man Zoo League, yes we're in the right!

BOBBLE

Surrender, bitch! We ain't got all night!

JOSIE THE HALF-CAT

Josie! That's Right!

GIRHAM and LAYANNA are dumbfounded.

BOBBLE turns to ICKY.

BOBBLE

What the hell was that? You hesitated on your line!

ICKY

My line? I was told this was supposed to be a kid's show, and you've got me rhyming with swear-words!

BOBBLE and ICKY shout at each other, their bickering becomes an indiscernible bunch of noise.

LAYANNA and GIRHAM exchange a look, and the pair attack: LAYANNA shoots a ray of energy, GIRHAM strikes with his blade.

ICKY is hit by LAYANNA's blast. She careens off, crashing into a building off in the distance. BOBBLE is hit by GIRHAM's sword, sending him backwards with enough force to dig a trench in the asphalt.

Reaction shot of MTF PFFT! — The five gasp in surprise.

ABLE THE AMOROUS ALPACA

Oh Noes! Boss Man is down!

DEUS EX

Then it's up to us, team!

DEUX EX, COUSIN SQUISHY, SMILE-HEN, and TERESA rush forward to engage their foes. All four shout battle-cries.

ABLE THE AMOROUS ALPACA stays back. His costume tenses up. He becomes surrounded by flowing energy and light.

ABLE THE AMOROUS ALPACA

(rising in pitch and intensity)

HHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!

DEUX EX and COUSIN SQUISHY engage with LAYANNA. DEUX EX is a flurry of rapid hand and leg movements, each strike being parried impossibly-fast. LAYANNA constantly dodges COUSIN SQUISHY as he thrusts his bulk towards her in an attempt to make physical contact. Somebody should really call the cops on that guy.

SMILE-HEN and TERESA square off against GIRHAM. SMILE-HEN's many mouths attempt to bite GIRHAM, but consistently meet blade. TERESA wields her Jesus body-pillow as a makeshift blunt weapon. It surprisingly holds up when encountering GIRHAM's sword.

Dialogue between the six consist mainly of grunts, heaves, and "Ha!'s.

Able is still on his lonesome. The energy surrounding him becomes more intense. The ground quakes beneath his feet.

ABLE THE AMOROUS ALPACA

(rising in pitch and intensity)

HHHHHHUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!

LAYANNA sidesteps a pelvic thrust from COUSIN SQUISHY, and punishes the opening with a powerful ray of energy, burning him beyond recognition. He falls.

GIRHAM ducks beneath a swipe of TERESA's body pillow. He brings his sword up, quite literally disarming the hero.

The sky grows dark over ABLE THE AMOROUS ALPACA.

ABLE THE AMOROUS ALPACA

(again, rising in pitch and intensity)

HHHHHHUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!

LAYANNA blocks a jab from DEUX EX, turns, and delivers a swift roundhouse, knocking her back.

SMILE-HEN extends its neck to bite GIRHAM, and is met with a powerful uppercut.

SMILE-HEN and DEUX EX crash-land next to each other. They shakily climb to their feet.

SMILE-HEN

Caw!

DEUS EX

I know! They're much too powerful for us!

GIRHAM and LAYANNA stand side-by-side, smiling evilly.

SMILE-HEN cocks its head.

SMILE-HEN

Caw-caw?

DEUS EX throws her hands in the air.

DEUS EX

I can't use my powers here! My Streamline Stand is useless against the powers of exposition, and we're written into an anime! It's 90% exposition and powering-up sequences! Speaking of…

The two look at each other, then back towards ABLE THE AMOROUS ALPACA.

The light surrounding him has peaked in luminosity and sparkles with violent energy. Bits of earth float in his general vicinity. His screaming is over 9000 decibels.

ABLE THE AMOROUS ALPACA

(rising in pitch and intensity)

HHHHHHUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!

GIRHAM approaches slowly, sword resting against his shoulder.

GIRHAM

Face it, runts! You're finished! There is nothing you can do to trounce us! We have power beyond imagination! You are nothing before us!

Close-up shot of DEUS EX's helmet, though we can't see her eyes due to the glint of the sun, her mouth is visible through her visor.

DEUS EX

We still have one ace up our sleeve. Able! Now's your chance!

ABLE finishes powering up, and explodes forward. He utterly destroys the surrounding area simply through the act of leaping towards his foes.

ABLE THE AMOROUS ALPACA

HHHUUUU!!!!

HHHUUUUGS!!!!!

ABLE collides with GIRHAM, and embraces him lovingly.

DEUX EX facepalms.

SMILE HEN facepalms.

Somewhere off in a pile of rubble, BOBBLE facepalms.

PADDY

(offscreen)

What the shit?!

What was that? What was that?

That's it! Cut! This whole thing is a goddamn sham! Goddamnit!

I want all of you in my office, pronto! Oh-ho-ho, you're really gonna get it! Reap what you sow! Reap what you sow! Reap what you motherfucking sow!

CUT TO BLACK

Shaggy

Item Number: SCP-@

Object Class: Thaumiel

Special Containment Procedures: Per O5 mandate, SCP-@ is to remain under constant surveillance, though direct intervention in his personal affairs is strictly prohibited. No further attempts are to be made to either aquire or transfer SCP-@-Alpha from his possession.

O5-1 maintains a direct line of contact to SCP-@, should his services be required to protect Foundation interests.

Description: SCP-@ is American actor Matthew Lyn Lillard. SCP-@ is currently affected by an anomalous strain of forma lupidviridae, colloquially known as the Werewolf Virus (henceforth SCP-@-Alpha). Like non-anomalous werewolves, SCP-@ possesses strength, speed, and reflexes beyond the human norm; SCP-@'s transformed state is that of an Afghan Hound.

SCP-@-Alpha grants its host an anomalously heightened sense of understanding regarding its surroundings and any events which relate to it, regardless of how inconsequential or tangential they may be. This level of intuition and inference effectively gives SCP-@ contextual omniscience; he has been proven capable of using SCP-@-Alpha in order to:

Dodge gunfire from multiple fully-automatic weapons by accurately predicting precisely where each projectile would be
Foil numerous covert assassination attempts by the Global Occult Coalition by identifying operatives and means of termination before they could be implemented
Fend off an assault from the full military force of Mobile Task Force Alpha-9 ("Andromeda's Box"), as well as besting SCP+076-2 in unarmed combat
Following multiple failed containment attempts, the decision was made to engage SCP-@ peacefully. During interviews, the subject spoke candidly about SCP-@-Alpha, which he refers to as his "Ultra Instinct". It was learned that his lycanthropy was not a result of a curse, or transmission from a non-anomalous carrier of the disease, but rather, that he gained SCP-@-Alpha upon taking on the role of Norville "Shaggy" Rodgers in the 2002 film 'Scooby-Doo'.

It was thus postulated by the acting Containment Liaison that SCP-@-Alpha is irrevocably tied to said fictional character, and that it could conceivably be transmitted to another individual — preferably, a loyal Foundation asset — by assuming that character's role in a theatrical production.

A script was subsequently written and performed by site staff, however, the agent playing the part of Norville Rodgers bodily exploded upon attempting his first spoken line. Several attempts were made to fulfill the role, each ending in the death of the involved actor.

The project was scrapped, with the script being routed through the Entertainment Division and reworked into 'Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed' in order to recoup monetary losses suffered during transfer attempts. SCP-@ reprised his role to no ill effect.

It is currently unclear as to why SCP-@ alone seems capable of containing the power of SCP-@-Alpha.